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Original poster

to go out when my dh's family visit?

62 replies

goldwrapped · 09/07/2013 22:17

To cut along story short, I really can't be doing with my dh's family. They're all really hard work for a variety of reasons - there were (legal) intermarriages which didn't work so they all fell out; Aspergers is rife; they're all basically not people I'd choose to spend time with.
At our wedding last year his family barely spoke to me and were rude to my family. We'd arranged the whole day around dh's brother flying over for it but in the end he didn't come. Didn't even send a card ....
Three years ago said bil and sil came to stay with us for a few days, to spend time with his kids who still live in the uk. Dh arranged for lots of his family to join them all here. I would come home from work and the house was completely trashed, not a clean cup or plate anywhere, remnants of food fights up the walls, all our food eaten, filthy toilets, dirty clothes on the floor .... We went out to eat at our expense (we're heavily in debt, they're loaded) They left to spend 2 weeks in 5* luxury in the Maldives. Sil didn't lift a finger the whole time she was here and I haven't heard for either of them since.
And now dh is arranging another get together for them, here, in 3 weeks time. Bil and sil have asked to be booked in to a local hotel (maximum £100/night, bil stated), leaving his 3 dysfunctional kids staying with us. Dh has invited another 20 or so of his family here to eat/stay.
So am I being unreasonable to not want to be here? I can understand him wanting to see his family, I'm not suggesting he shouldn't invite them, but I don't feel able to be polite to them after all that has happened ... Much better that I go elsewhere for the weekend so he can enjoy them? He says I'm being rude, but I think it's preferable to what I'm likely to day to them if I stay put ....

OP posts:
bettycocker · 10/07/2013 05:02

I can sympathise totally with you wanting to go out when the ILs come to stay. It's horrible when you're made to feel uncomfortable in yout own home.

Last time I saw MIL she was completely vile to me. I've asked a friend if I can go and visit her for the weekend next time MIL comes to stay. DP won't like it, but he'll have to suck it up.

Longdistance · 10/07/2013 05:39

Yes, the problem lies with your dh.

He didn't consult you on these people staying at your house. There is the problem. He needs to undo this.

Hissy · 10/07/2013 07:19

Where are these godawful people from? Who on earth behaves like this?

Tell H to email details of the local hotels for ALL of them, no DC to stay with you.

Or..

You will go elsewhere and he HIRES a cleaning company to sort it all out before you get back.

And yes, BIL can pay for that too as it's HIS kids that wrecked your house.

Personally i'd put my foot down and say no, and if it took ME calling BIL to tell him so, and why, i'd do it.

Moxiegirl · 10/07/2013 07:26

Yanbu to go out, yabu for the aspergers comment.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/07/2013 07:30

So who cleaned up the house last time after your feral guests left?

I've a feeling it wasn't your husband.

Original poster
goldwrapped · 10/07/2013 07:45

I'm really really sorry if I've offended anyone with the as thing it wasn't my intention .... #searches for edit button - is there one? My first OP - I should've taken more care .... Thank you for your support and suggestions.

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 10/07/2013 07:59

They sound awful and I think have lost their right to be treated nicely as visiting guests based on how they abused your hospitality in the past, so I would do exactly what you want to do - normal etiquette wouldn't apply and no way would I be guilt-tripped..

Your Dh can piss off too if he's not willing to reign it in and why isn't he consulting you in any of these decisions involving the house you BOTH live in. They sound like a bloody nightmare, the lot of them. (Can't really be mad at the computer thing though, would be mad at their parent who didn't stop them)

SybilRamkin · 10/07/2013 08:12

Shock I can't believe your BIL and SIL have the bare-faced cheek to ask to leave their kids at your house for free babysitting while they swan off to a bloody hotel leaving you with the mess! Cheeky feckers! Tell them to piss off pronto, and your DH and can jolly well go with them!

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2013 08:24

As usual with almost all IL threads, the problem is not the ILs it's the DH. My FIL is difficult, I suspect a personality disorder, but DH tries to mitigate some of the worst behaviours. I know he has my back.

Letting your BIL book a hotel and have his DC stay at yours... DH should have laughed in his face.

ENormaSnob · 10/07/2013 08:26

I wouldnt be going anywhere because they wouldnt be coming in the first place.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 10/07/2013 08:31

Yes definitely, disappear. DH will have only agreed to having the DCs because you are down as chief bottle washer, cook and babysitter.

Book yourself into the same hotel as BIL and SIL and watch their faces drop at breakfast time when they realise that your DH has sole charge of their "precious" children.

No don't do that, but do get yourself off. That's bloody ridiculous that BIL/SIL think that you'll look after their 3 kids for 3 nights, oh and you know who will end up paying for the hotel don't you as your credit card will be on the booking? I expect they will have a ball with room service and champagne from the mini bar. You could offer to "help" to find their accommodation and check trip advisor for the place with the worst reviews then book them in there.

Get yourself a cheap premier inn or travel lodge and stay there - bring your DC if you have any. Do you have DC ? What is your DH like when not around his family?

mummytime · 10/07/2013 09:14

Do bring this up at counselling. But I would also start to investigate your rights and how to get out.

Sorry but your "D"H is showing you no respect whatsoever. He can't just invite people to your shared home without consulting you. Its not even as if its an emergency (I can imagine my DH offering someone a place to crash if their house flooded etc., and consulting me afterwards).

Original poster
goldwrapped · 10/07/2013 09:32

The whole thing is bonkers, writing it down has helped clarify things in my mind. To clarify, the 3 'kids' (they are now 19, 22 and 24 but due to their issues only one of them can be counted as an adult) are from bil's 1st marriage - the new sil has very little to do with them at all as they live on the other side of the world. They fly in every 3 years to spend 'quality' time with them.
I can understand DH wanting to bring his family together & how he wants my support with it, particularly as he lives with my 3 kids full time & helps support us all financially and emotionally.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 10/07/2013 10:21

Well if they say a max of £100 per night for a hotel, then I would get them to book two cheaper rooms

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 10/07/2013 11:11

Your DH is definitely the issue here OP Sad

kotinka · 10/07/2013 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mabelface · 10/07/2013 11:24

I would just be repeatedly stating that there is no way on earth that they're coming to your house.

LJL69 · 10/07/2013 11:33

The very thought of this is making me itch. I would want to get away too, but would be worried about what I came home to. I will bet money on you being the one that will be expected to do the donkey work here while DH swans about being the life and soul. Sod that. Get away and ensure you have a full cleaning squad ready to come in before you get back. God, I have sweaty palms at their previous treatment of your home

diddl · 10/07/2013 11:37

BIL sounds like a user.

Where do the three "kids" live-can't the meet up happen at one of their places?

Your husband sounds horrible.

marfisa · 10/07/2013 11:47

OP, if I were you I would ask MN to move this thread to Relationships, because people there can give very helpful relationship advice, and it does seem that your DH's attitude is at the heart of this issue.

Looking after adults with special needs should not be something your DH agrees to without talking this through with you and getting your full consent. Why shouldn't the parent be looking after their own children instead of fobbing it off on you?

And when you say that your DH has invited 20 family members round, what does that mean? Is it a one-off event or an open invitation lasting for days?

If he doesn't agree to a reasonable compromise, where, say, you have the whole family round for one day but you DO NOT have 20+ people crashing your home indefinitely and you DO NOT have the adults with special needs lodging in your home, then yes, I would absolutely go away on my own for the time period and leave your DH to it!

123oap · 10/07/2013 13:41

You might want to read my post recently about my MIL visit - it's a nightmare when she comes, and I feel for you. You're not a hotel, you're not a maid - so good that they are going to a hotel. If you really don't want to see them at your house, what about seeing them somewhere neutral - like for a quick coffee or meal. It might be easier that way. However, I fully understand your desire to not be around. Can't you stay with a friend or something?

diddl · 10/07/2013 13:58

Is the husband trying to "prove" something by doing this and probably getting into (more?) debt in the process?

Damnautocorrect · 10/07/2013 14:09

Are there no h

Damnautocorrect · 10/07/2013 14:10

Arghhhhhh
Are there no holiday cottages locally the whole family could stay at?
Obviously make sure you don't know the owners!

Original poster
goldwrapped · 10/07/2013 19:43

So a temporary truce has been called. I think DH is hoping that a discussion about this with the counsellor will validate his opinions ... We'll see. He's very good at arguing his corner, I'd rather just agree with him to keep the peace. I've taken on board all your comments & hope it all goes ok. An very grateful!
I looked in to moving this to the Relationships forum but couldn't see how to do it! Thank you all xxx

OP posts: