How do you compromise on baby names?

[BraveLilBear]

Hello - I'm looking for some un-hormonally fuelled perspective please!

We're still undecided on my/our first child's name (DP has 11yo son already), and at 38 weeks plus twinges, time is running out. My DP has set his heart on a particular name for a boy. It's old English and means 'intelligent', but is more commonly known as a surname, or a place name in the USA and in the north of England.

It doesn't feel right to me at all, and given that DP is also refusing to let baby have my surname as an additional middle name (tho has conceded to let it have one of my family first names as a middle name), it just doesn't feel right to me at all - I imagined going to the doctors and having my child's name called and it would feel like it wasn't my child.

The name is ok, but I think it sounds a bit daft and is too 'big' a name to hang on a newborn who has to get through primary and secondary school intact. If it wanted to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor etc it would sound great, but I worry it'll have a negative experience in childhood that would stop it wanting to achieve IYSWIM.

Thing is, DP is exceptionally stubborn and is also very selfish. I can't use the name here because he'll be able to ID me.

Every alternative I suggest, he hates, or at least says he does.

It's getting to the point now that I'm dreading my child being a boy - because I don't want the fight that will be inevitable.

I absolutely love the name we have in mind for a girl - now he's saying he'll only 'let me' name her that if I agree to the boy's name he likes.

Help?!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Maybe have a little read of this.

Honestly this would be funny if it wasn't so bloody tragic. "My partner, who has no legal right to decide the name of my baby, won't let me decide the name of the baby."

HE'S the one with no bargaining chips. Except his temper that is. But you're too big a girl to put up with being bullied like that. He's a puffed up ego on legs and lke the Wizard of Oz you just need to see through him and stop pandering to him. You're feeling so vulnerable now, and he's winning because of that. May I ask, why are you with someone you would describe as "selfish"?

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Sorry, link fail!

[Mumsyblouse]

I moved 250 miles to my mum's a week before giving birth, it's fine, you are allowed to do this and can even change your mind about where you want to give birth during labour! It was not complicated at all, and I was incredibly glad to have my mum there, plus I went to a less busy part of the country where I was very well looked after.

If this is all that is stopping you, please don't let it.

[MysteriousHamster]

He's bonkers. He thinks he can pressure you into his name choice (and his surname) at the same time as refusing to commit to being with you.

Does he think you are so vulnerable that you have no choice but to agree to everything?

And/or does he think you won't stand up to him?

I know this is so so so hard but do not make any permanent decisions like a baby name, under the direction of a man who does not appear to love you.

[tightfortime]

His timing sucks and maybe says it all but at least you now know to give your child your surname and any other damn name you want.

Call your mum pet...no man is worth 51% or a maybe. Baby or not.

[katehastried]

I got through labour with an abusive man and I felt like you did - that our relationship would get me through it.

Actually it became all about HIM: he was tired, he was stressed, he was quite angry at me because it was taking so long, rubbing his face in his hands and sighing. He was so tired that as soon as the baby was born he was off back home to sleep, leaving me crying in the ward.

You can do this.

[Earthworms]

Listen to gettingstrong

She is one of the bravest, most courageous mn'ers you will meet. (Good to see you back Gs. I was a lurker - willing you on whilst the Wise Ones helped you through)

[Somethingtothinkabout]

Hi Brave, hope you are doing O.k It's understandable if thinking about leaving and making a plan feels like such a daunting task when you have so much to do over the next few weeks, but the longer you leave it the harder it gets, please trust that.

You'll be able to do it, believe that. There is all the support there for you if/when you set yourself free. And so many lovely ladies here, some of whom have been right where you are, can give you advice and help, whether you go now or feel like you can't yet.

Definitely no to the W name though, and at the very least make sure your surname is the middle name, but preferably the actual surname.