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Original poster

How do you compromise on baby names?

138 replies

BraveLilBear · 09/07/2013 13:25

Hello - I'm looking for some un-hormonally fuelled perspective please!

We're still undecided on my/our first child's name (DP has 11yo son already), and at 38 weeks plus twinges, time is running out. My DP has set his heart on a particular name for a boy. It's old English and means 'intelligent', but is more commonly known as a surname, or a place name in the USA and in the north of England.

It doesn't feel right to me at all, and given that DP is also refusing to let baby have my surname as an additional middle name (tho has conceded to let it have one of my family first names as a middle name), it just doesn't feel right to me at all - I imagined going to the doctors and having my child's name called and it would feel like it wasn't my child.

The name is ok, but I think it sounds a bit daft and is too 'big' a name to hang on a newborn who has to get through primary and secondary school intact. If it wanted to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor etc it would sound great, but I worry it'll have a negative experience in childhood that would stop it wanting to achieve IYSWIM.

Thing is, DP is exceptionally stubborn and is also very selfish. I can't use the name here because he'll be able to ID me.

Every alternative I suggest, he hates, or at least says he does.

It's getting to the point now that I'm dreading my child being a boy - because I don't want the fight that will be inevitable.

I absolutely love the name we have in mind for a girl - now he's saying he'll only 'let me' name her that if I agree to the boy's name he likes.

Help?!

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 09/07/2013 18:46

Baby names isn't something you can compromise on.

It is something where both of you have to have a veto.

If he is saying that he has a veto and you don't then this is a big red flag for him being a controlling partner.

EachAndEveryHighway · 09/07/2013 19:09

Somebody who retorts that you can 'pack your bags' when his behaviour is challenged in any way doesn't sound like someone who is intending to marry you at some point. That sounds like a false promise to keep you hanging.

And why should you pack your bags not him? Do you rent or own? Do you jointly own or is the house in his name?

If you're not able to go back to work after the baby's born because of childcare costs, you be very reliant upon him .... and he could well abuse that.

He is determined to retain all control - even over things which he shouldn't have control over like the baby's name(s). I really would urge you at this stage to be assertive and challenge his control, so as to discern whether he will 'come good' or not as you are hoping.

If, worse case scenario, he doesn't pull his socks up and treat you as an equal, I suggest doing what other posters have suggested and look into the benefits you might be eligible for, as well as gauge if your mother could help. I know all this must make for very distressing reading, but knowledge and preparation are your friends.

I too wish you all the best.

QueenofallIsee · 09/07/2013 19:45

Honey, your opinion is as valid as his and more so when you consider that you have to do the tough bit! This shouldn't be a fight, you find names you both like and enjoy the process of finding them. His issues with his Ex are NOT an excuse for behaving as though your opinion is less important than his. Stand firm or you will be ridden roughshod over this and other important decisions relating to the baby!

Chottie · 09/07/2013 20:43

I have a DD in her 30s. If she was in your position I would be seriously worried......

GettingStrong · 09/07/2013 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thegreylady · 09/07/2013 21:13

please someone pm me the name-the only one I can find meaning intelligent is Hugh and that's not a W name.Sorry to be trivial op.

Ezio · 09/07/2013 21:16

I pm'd ya Lady.

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 21:17

I'm glad now I was forced to compromise. The names I liked when I was pregnant were too try-hard unusual.

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 21:19

SORRY

having read the thread, I want to say that nobody should bulldoze over you. x

Flossbert · 09/07/2013 21:20

You don't compromise. You find a name you both like.

Squitten · 09/07/2013 21:25

On the names issue, me and DH have been going back and forth over names for DC3. He initially wanted to stick with the one we had originally picked out for DS2 if he had been a girl (which is what we are having) but I'm not totally in love with it anymore and have been trawling about and suggesting all sorts of other names, all of which he dislikes. Until the other night we hit on a new one that we both really like and I think we'll be going with that. Compromise is absolutely possible.

It sounds, however, like baby names are the least of your worries here. Your DP doesn't sounds very nice at ALL.

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 21:28

Give the baby your sur name.

This is what I regretted the most when I finally came to my senses and left a man who was very controlling.

I must once have thought that I should make do with a 51% relationship, but NOW I realise that if a man isn't as decent, good humoured and good company as my female friends are then I'm just not going to bother, why would I.

Good luck to you and your baby. I can't figure out what the name is, but don't be bullied into this, by a man who isn't your husband thank God.

Wuldric · 09/07/2013 21:28

I got to choose both :)

I graciously allowed DH to choose DD's middle name.

My thinking was, I'm the one swelling up like a balloon, I'm the one that's got to pop. So there must be an upside for me

steppemum · 09/07/2013 21:30

we had a simple system

either of us could veto any name on the list for any reason, so because we didn't like it, because it was the name of a horrid child I taught etc.

then with the names left we looked at them talked about them etc until we found one we both liked.

I don't believe I had the right to name OUR child, and nor did dh. It had to be a joint decision.

Dh has a family name which every oldest son has had for 7 generations. If our dc was a boy, logically he should have that name, but dh was very very clear that we would only use it if we thought it was the right name and he checked and double checked that I liked it too.
Fortunately it is one of my favourite names.
We couldn't agree on a girls name at all. Good job dc was a boy!

frissonpink · 09/07/2013 21:33

:( I think you have bigger issues that finding a name.

Wuldric · 09/07/2013 21:34

Now you've reminded me, the other thing I did which was really quite sneaky was to tearfully propose an utterly ridiculous name that I knew DH would hate and loathe, and insist that this name and ONLY THIS NAME would work.

After a tiring week during which DH wore himself out with exhaustion arguing that Orlando was absurd, he was really quite happy with my compromise name.

I know that's manipulative and I don't normally do manipulative. I was pregnant, okay?

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 21:40

Somebody clever cleverer than I am pm me the name!?

Jenijena · 09/07/2013 21:42

When the baby comes out, it will get a tag 'baby yoursurname'. This will also be its name in the red book, and hospital records. This happened to me last year, though I was happy with my baby having my hisband's surname (and mine as a middle name).

Go register the birth yourself (my hospital had a registry office on site, worth checking for).

Good luck.

But I'm very, very sorry you think 51% is good enough. You and your child deserve to be happier than that.

MysteriousHamster · 09/07/2013 21:43

He doesn't think you're his equal. Ask him - ask him if you are equal to him? Because if so, why does he get to dictate where your surname goes just because of his issues?

Whatever you do, do not give in. You will always resent the W name. You don't want to think of that resentment when you think of your child.

mypussyiscalledCaramel · 09/07/2013 21:48

When I was expecting ds2 I was not married to my now xh. He said to me one day, our son will be called Nicholas, I said ok as long as you don't mind me calling him Nick. Then he wanted his dads first name as his middle name. I said no way, we compromised and ds's middle name is his dads.

From the moment Ds2 was born he has been called Nick by me. When he was old enough to tell me his name was Nicholas, I said yes, but I shall call you Nick.

The only people who call him Nicholas are his teachers, until he puts them right.

My x was a control freak, although I didn't see it then, he upped the anti after Ds2 was born, then once we got married he thought he had got me completely.

The straw that broke the camels back was when he walloped ds2 (2 at the time) so hard, for doing something trivial, and leaving a hand print on his leg.

51% is not enough Sad

EachAndEveryHighway · 09/07/2013 21:54

No, 51% certainly isn't good. Somebody in the last few days posted something really articulate, profound and insightful on another thread about this ... I'll have a look for it.

BerkshireMum · 09/07/2013 21:57

I'm too stupid too tired to work it out, can someone please PM me the name? Thanks

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 22:18

I'll pm you now

Whatwouldyousay · 09/07/2013 22:23

Can someone please PM me the name too - I can't find anything other than Hugh.

Zynnia · 09/07/2013 22:27

will do

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