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Original poster

Questions re: STIs

41 replies

IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 12:21

This should probably be in General Health but I guess people on this board have more experience of testing Sad

I have had reason to google STIs and something is confusing me. I was specifically after symptoms and noticed that several may not give you any symptoms at all. So how do you know you have one without getting tested? For example, if you do not know you're married to a lying cheating bastard, why would you go and get tested?

If an STi goes undetected for sometime, will it eventually give you symptoms? If not, does it matter it's not treated?

I have been pregnant a few times - would I have been tested for STIs during any of the anti-natal checks? If so, would they have told me if any tested positive?

If I go and get tested now, and something shows up, would they know how long I had had it for? This question and the one before is because my Ex cheated on me - but it was 20 years ago when "nice" girls didn't need to worry about this sort of thing (oh god, how I wish I'd had MN back then!) so it never crossed my mind to get checked.

If I go to the local GUM clinic, do I have to give my real name or is it all anonymous? (someone we know works in local NHS and could check our records - not that I think she would but the ability is there)

Last one is for DH and may explain the above Sad Could he get an STI from a blowjob?

OP posts:
ccsays · 09/07/2013 12:28

I'm no sure about getting an STI with a blowjob but he could certainly give one. Chlamydia (sp?) can have no symptoms and many women only find out they have it when they go to conceive (chlamydia can seriously affect a women's fertility). You wouldn't have been given STI checks at such with ante natal tests, but you likely been tested for HIV and hepatitis. I'm sure you could get tested at anonymously at a GUM clinic if you requested it. And no there is no way of knowing how long it would have been since you contracted an STI. If you have any worries I would strongly advise you to get tested.

ccsays · 09/07/2013 12:28

Apologies for numerous typos.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 12:29

I think herpes can be transmitted orally. An infection without symptoms doesn't mean it's benign.

CashmereHoodlum · 09/07/2013 12:43

You do not have to give your real name, as the GUM records are not AFAIK connected to your normal medical records. You could memorise a false name and false date of birth.

Yes, it is possible to catch an infection via oral sex

You may have been tested for HIV, hepatitis and syphilis during pregnancy, but you would not have been screened for all STIs.

It is perfectly fine to go along and ask to be tested if you have no symptoms and if you suspect you may have been exposed by a cheating partner then do go along. The staff will be very understanding of your situation.

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 12:48

It's good practice, whether in a committed relationship or not, to have regular GUM checks.

Your questions?

So how do you know you have one without getting tested? You don't. Many infections are symptomless.

If an STi goes undetected for sometime, will it eventually give you symptoms? No, not necessarily. See above. However if undetected it can lead to all sorts of conditions, from infertility through to life-limiting and life endangering.

If not, does it matter it's not treated? Question answered above. Some conditions will clear up with general antibiotics used for other conditions, but some won't. It's impossible to treat some with anti-bs (genital warts, herpes, hiv, hpv)

I have been pregnant a few times - would I have been tested for STIs during any of the anti-natal checks? If so, would they have told me if any tested positive? No, you wouldn't have been tested for all STIs unless you told your care-givers about the risks you've potentially been exposed to. If however anything had been found as a result of routine bloods and swabs, you would have been informed because of the risk to you and your unborn child.

If I go and get tested now, and something shows up, would they know how long I had had it for? For some conditions, yes (e.g first incidence of genital warts) for others, no.

You can give a pseudonym at the GUM clinic, but confidentiality is absolutely assured.

Unbarriered oral sex is linked to a range of infections and more serious conditions. A condom or dam can lessen the risk.

Go and get yourself checked. Please.

dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2013 12:52

There are some that don't have symptoms for a long time that eventually pop up. I'm not sure how likely it is that you wouldn't have symptoms for 20 years though.

I was only tested for HIV while pregnant. I think it varies by location, what they test for.

I'm not sure what to make of your last line. Do you mean that your DH had oral sex with someone else? If so, I'm really sorry, what a shit. Yes, you can absolutely catch STIs from oral sex.

Generally I don't think you can tell when you caught an STI. But if the two possibilities are that you caught something 20 years ago OR you caught something very recently, then I think with at least some STIs you could guess which is more likely to be the case.

AuntieStella · 09/07/2013 12:59

Testing for syphillis is universal in PG by NHS. It is likely you'll be offered an HIV test too, and chlamydia testing is more frequent. But none of the others will be tested for.

You can't tell how long you have carried an infection.

Original poster
IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 13:06

Thanks for all your answers so far. Unfortunately you didn't reassure me so it looks like I'll have to go. Sad

Unless he goes, and I can guarantee that I see his actual results, I'm assuming if he is clear then so am I?

He actually seems gutted that I'll have to go through with this, so he has offered to get tested so I don't have to.

He gives blood. I know he can't if he has had sex with a "sex worker" but what if he only got a blowjob? (no condom Sad)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 13:08

OP, has your husband had a blow job off someone else, got symptoms and is trying to blame you for this?

Original poster
IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 13:14

Imperial - no. In amongst other things, he confessed to going to a prostitute for a BJ. I asked if he had to use a condom and he said no.

I have verified that it was only a BJ - he kindly left her feedback, I recognised a variation of his username on her ratings page, finding his password was simple enough - I asked and logged in immediately so he couldn't delete anything. Luckily all bookings are online and it was just the one. In his email to her it said that he had never paid for it before so "please be gentle with me" [sick pity emoticon] so I don't believe he had gone to anyone else before this. Of course, he could of used a different site afterwards - but he is a simple man, as many are, so the username and password for this site worked on others too Sad but at least they showed no activity other than looking.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2013 13:14

You both need to get tested. I cannot urge you strongly enough, both of you need to go.

He should not give blood unless he has been tested.

From the CDC:

Like all sexual activity, oral sex carries some risk of HIV transmission when one partner is known to be infected with HIV, when either partner?s HIV status is not known, and/or when one partner is not monogamous or injects drugs. Even though the risk of transmitting HIV through oral sex is much lower than that of anal or vaginal sex, numerous studies have demonstrated that oral sex can result in the transmission of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

In addition to HIV, other STDs can be transmitted through oral sex with an infected partner. Examples of these STDs include herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, genital warts (HPV), intestinal parasites (amebiasis), and hepatitis A.

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 13:14

Go yourself.

Your health is your own responsibility. Don't entrust it to others, especially those who have a motive to lie to you and others.

dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2013 13:16

x-post

I'm so sorry. Please go get tested for everything. You cannot trust this man and you need to take care of your own health.

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 13:18

It's up to him whether he goes or not. I hope he does to save other people from getting infected by his activities, but that's his decision.

You need to go for yourself though.

You're not staying with a man who uses prostitutes and pays for unprotected sex with them are you?

Original poster
IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 13:27

Francesca - if it was just one BJ, then I might. He does have other things weighing in his favour, so I am considering staying. We're at the disclosure stage. Until I KNOW and can VERIFY everything, then I'm not making any decisions.

This morning he told me enough that I could check the above site and others. I have the login to his "private" email. He insists it was just the once. He loves BJs (like all men), but I have a jaw problem and find it painful. After 5 years of no BJs, and whilst staying away from home, he decided to pay for it as it would be a "business deal" and, "after all, a BJ is not cheating."

He knows otherwise now!

His email and the info on his profiles prove that what he has told me is true. It also shows the last time he logged in, which was several months ago. So I am starting to believe him.

OP posts:
CashmereHoodlum · 09/07/2013 13:28

You need to go yourself, even if he goes and has clear results. You can't place your health in the hands of a man who is a cheat and a liar and who uses sex workers. He has put you in danger - he doesn't care a jot about your health. Go and get tested yourself. Make it a routine thing like going to the dentist. Do explain when you go that your husband has had unprotected sexual contact with prostitutes.

He should not give blood for at least a year after having sexual contact with a sex worker but tbh, this is unlikely to be a one-off.

He sounds awful, OP, and there is plenty of advice I could be giving you, but right now I sense that you don't want to go for the tests and would prefer to rely on him having clear results. This is not the way to go. Going for the tests yourself will give you confidence in the results. If you rely on him to be honest with you, you are literally putting your life in his hands.

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 14:29

Of course he knew using prostitutes was cheating. Would he believe you if you paid a male escort to go down on you and you explained that you didn't think it was cheating but merely a business transaction? Would you think of yourself paying for sex as just a business deal and not cheating?

You're only looking at online activity here, based on one user name. You don't know whether he's been using street workers or responding to adverts where he only has to call a number. He won't tell you either.

Please go and get yourself checked and stop making excuses for why men pay women to give them oral sex. I doubt you'd make the same excuses for women in committed relationships, or that you'd insist that all women love cunnilingus and that it's okay for them to buy it if their partners won't do it.

Please don't think I'm unsympathetic to what this wretched man has done to you. I am. But it makes me so angry to see women making excuses for men who buy sex.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 14:43

OP, did the woman specify no condom would have to be worn? She is really putting herself at risk if so. I know that's not your concern, but I looked at one of those sites recently after a thread on here and I couldn't find anyone who said she would do that without a condom. (I think it was Adult Works that I looked at.)

CatFishBait · 09/07/2013 14:52

You don't need to tell clinic staff that your partner has had unprotected sexual contact with prostitutes Confused

An STI caught from a sex worker, will be the same as as one caught from anyone else!

Original poster
IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 14:53

Adult Works is the site he used. Yes, she said she would do "bareback" as it appears to be known.

That was my first response.

On her profile page she states she will do Bareback, and Oral Without at her discretion as she likes her health Hmm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 14:56

CatFish I had to go to be tested (thanks, ex) and was told they wouldn't test for HIV as it was so unlikely I'd got it. Sounds mad, really. If I'd mentioned he'd been with a prostitute I think they would have tested me for it.

CashmereHoodlum · 09/07/2013 14:56

Imperial, if you look at the-invisible-men.tumblr.com , most of the quotes, (from punternet) mention OWO which stands for oral sex without a condom. I don't think it is at all uncommon, sadly.

CashmereHoodlum · 09/07/2013 15:05

I wasn't suggesting that prostitutes carried different strains of STI from non-prostitutes. Having unprotected sex with a prostitute is a high risk activity for both parties, and it is important that the clinic staff are aware so that they carry out all of the tests.

dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2013 15:27

I don't understand. If he really just had a spontaneous decision to get a blow job once, away on business, why does he have multiple profiles on various websites? Surely he would just need one? Or could just call a service?

It's not like he was all drunk and some woman was all over him and he gave in and had oral sex. Not that that would be okay either! What I mean is, he made a pretty clinical and non-spontaneous decision to make an effort to do this. He knew it was cheating and he didn't care. He also engaged in a highly risky activity that could have infected you with a potentially fatal disease. This was no small mistake, I'm sure he's minimizing it but that doesn't mean you need to.

ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 15:28

It must have been incredibly painful to read the exchange, especially the feedback.

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