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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Questions re: STIs

41 replies

IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 12:21

This should probably be in General Health but I guess people on this board have more experience of testing

I have had reason to google STIs and something is confusing me. I was specifically after symptoms and noticed that several may not give you any symptoms at all. So how do you know you have one without getting tested? For example, if you do not know you're married to a lying cheating bastard, why would you go and get tested?

If an STi goes undetected for sometime, will it eventually give you symptoms? If not, does it matter it's not treated?

I have been pregnant a few times - would I have been tested for STIs during any of the anti-natal checks? If so, would they have told me if any tested positive?

If I go and get tested now, and something shows up, would they know how long I had had it for? This question and the one before is because my Ex cheated on me - but it was 20 years ago when "nice" girls didn't need to worry about this sort of thing (oh god, how I wish I'd had MN back then!) so it never crossed my mind to get checked.

If I go to the local GUM clinic, do I have to give my real name or is it all anonymous? (someone we know works in local NHS and could check our records - not that I think she would but the ability is there)

Last one is for DH and may explain the above Could he get an STI from a blowjob?

OP posts:

Crinkle77 · 09/07/2013 15:30

An STI does not care if you are 'nice' or not. My friend was with her boyfriend for anumber of months before he told her he had warts.

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 16:58

Dreaming: Sorry I haven't explained it well. He wanted a blow job, that was it. A well meaning friend told him about Fuck Buddy and similar sites so he signed up for one, he then cancelled this as he realised that he just wanted a blow job and anyone answering him would want their needs met too and, in his mind, that would be cheating.

He thought, if he paid for it, it would just be a business deal, he wouldn't have sex with her, so it wasn't cheating, but he could just have a no strings blow job.

He now appreciates that this is cheating.

He is very very apologetic and knows that he is a long way from even knowing if I'm going to throw him out or not. He is also paying for it on a much more personal level - the guilt made his performance deteriorate and as I can pinpoint when this happened, and it ties in with the dates I found out today, I can be reasonably confident that this was an isolated case. I fully believe he would be too terrified to go again.

I know some of you are wondering why I appear to be staying with him, I've had some pretty nasty things happen to me in the past, compared to that, this is a minor blip in my life. Whilst I have lost my trust in him re other women, he is the first person in my life that I truly trust never to hurt me, or allow me to be hurt, physically.

OP posts:

siezethenight · 09/07/2013 18:11

Why you are staying with him is your business, you didn't ask if you should stay or LTB...
Go to the GUM clinic. They are not nice places to go to, no. But the waiting room will be the hardest bit of it. All that furtive eye contact avoidance!
The staff are great and not judgmental and can offer up lot of information and advice that's up to the minute and accurate. You can be tested for absolutely everything there and you do not have to give your name in, put a false name on the form they give you to fill in, false address, the lot - just remember your false name when they call you
Just go. Or call them - they sometimes will be able to offer you an appointment time depending on how busy they are - its worth the call.

Don't spend any more time wondering if you should go or if you can face it - just do it. You'll feel better for going, your mind will be at ease and when its done? Its done. Hopefully all will be okay and then you can concentrate on all the other issues surrounding this matter.
Good luck

GiveItYourBestShot · 09/07/2013 18:11

OP - my GP sent me for a full STI screen when I had my coil out. I think on the grounds that if I was to start having unprotected sex (ex wanted to ttc) then I should know that I was "clean." This included HIV. So there are positive reasons to go and get a check and I hope no-one would judge you, just as I hope no-one judged me.

siezethenight · 09/07/2013 18:22

Nobody will judge you in the GUM clinic - everybody is there for the same reason and absolutely nobody wants to talk - at all - ever - in the waiting room They have heads in books and mags and are pretending they are not there. I went twice, the first time I saw this and could have died inside. Had to go, ex cheated. Then he cheated again so the next time I went I felt seasoned! I was happy and smiley and chatty - it freaked all the other people in waiting room out!
I then LTB.
The nurses at GUM clinic were the friendliest bunch really. Even when I passed out after having blood taken

siezethenight · 09/07/2013 18:22

Clearly I meant there not gin - although....

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 19:56

Stick to Gin, I think I might be needing some

I plucked up the courage and rang them. Lovely as you say. Booked it for Thursday. She then asked if I needed directions, - on the NHS website it said it was in our local town BUT it's not! I have to go to the one in the main hospital which is 40 mins away! Not normally an issue, but I'm a full time carer. I could get out for about an hour, but I cannot get away for the 2-3 hours needed to get to the appointment I guess I could always ask MiL to babysit for me whilst I go get checked .

It looks like I'll have to go to the drop in session which is only held fortnightly and she's warned me it's at least an hours wait

Or DH can ask his Mum and tell her why.

OP posts:

CashmereHoodlum · 09/07/2013 20:19

I think you should take the appointment and get him to arrange care. The drop-in session is likely to involve a very lengthy wait and you don't want to wait hours, have to leave, and then wait another fortnight for the next one. I'm so pleased you have taken the first step. Well done!

KareninsGirl · 09/07/2013 20:38

To answer your original question, herpes can be transmitted by oral sex (genital or oral herpes, depending on which strain the person has). Guy can only get tested for herpes if you are suffering symptoms so if this is the case do act straight away.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

KareninsGirl · 09/07/2013 20:39

You, not guy.

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 20:41

Why can't your husband take time off and relieve you of your caring responsibilities?

FrancescaBell · 09/07/2013 20:43

What did you mean too that a well meaning friend told him about Fuck Buddy and similar sites ?

He's been discussing his plans to cheat with his friends has he? Your sex life too?

Original poster

IUsedtobeMe · 09/07/2013 20:44

It would be difficult for DH to take time off, can't explain without too much identifying info. If I asked though, he would even though it could cost him his job.

OP posts:

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 09/07/2013 21:11

Call sitters uk and make sure that he pays for them to babysit.

Although I wonder what sort of employer sacks staff for taking time off when their partner needs medical assistance.

JulietteMontague · 09/07/2013 21:23

I would call and ask if it's ok to take your DC. There are usually some parents with DC there in the clinic. Some clinics have male and female only areas too. It is only blood tests and a swab which you do yourself. If you want a full screen for 'everything' including Hepatitis C they will ask why you think you may need the full range it so best tell them the truth. They have heard it all, really and nice girls do get tested as it is the only way to be sure you are protected

dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2013 23:12

I really am sorry you are dealing with all this OP.

I'm just struck by two things you have said. First, that he now understands what he did was cheating. How could he possibly have not understood this before? I know it may seem kinder to believe that he just didn't understand what he was doing, but I think this lets him off the hook far too much.

Second, you say "he is the first person in my life that I truly trust never to hurt me, or allow me to be hurt, physically."

I'm really sorry to be blunt, but until you get tested, you don't know if this is true or not. It sounds like he purposefully sought a prostitute who would not insist on a condom. That means he took the risk of giving you HIV, which could kill you, or syphilis, which could make you insane, or any number of other diseases which could make you infertile. He may not be as bad as other partners you have had in the past, but that doesn't make him a good man either.

But one thing at a time, go get tested and make sure you're okay.

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