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Original poster

AIBU - aka am I stringing these men along?

49 replies

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 09:45

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. On many levels it's lovely, but I don't see a long-term relationship there. I would say we're "dating" but he has started to try and formalise things a bit more.

Only problem is I met someone else a couple of weeks ago and have been on a couple of dates with him. I haven't slept with him. It's too soon to make any kind of call about where it would go, but potentially it could go further IYSWIM. He knows about the first man.

Am I being a cad trying to carry on seeing the second man? If he wasn't in the picture I'd be perfectly happy to carry on seeing the first man. I don't want to end it with him just on the second man's account, but maybe that is trying to have my cake and eat it. Friends tell me this is all acceptable and if I were a man I wouldn't feel guilty but I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm getting into a mess. Confused

OP posts:
Ezio · 09/07/2013 09:47

Have you discussed and agreed to exclusivity yet?

pictish · 09/07/2013 09:49

No - you have not committed to anyone, so your options are open and the field is yours to play.

However, my advice would be to end things with bloke 1 - simply because you already know he's not for you. Why string him along any longer?

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 09:49

No. I was clinging on to that but then there were a couple of incidents that made it obvious that it was exclusive for him. Although I could argue that until that's explicitly agreed I cannot assume that and he certainly shouldn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 09:51

Pictish that is a very valid point of view, but I guess it depends on whether you think short term relationships are a waste of time? If the second guy was not in the picture I'd be very happy to have a summer romance with number 1. But I suppose the stringing along occurs if he doesn't know that's all it is.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/07/2013 09:52

Exactly. he's more keen than you, so I doubt he's going to be happy to be your summer fling, while you date other people.

melbie · 09/07/2013 09:52

I think it is a bit unfair on the first man- he is clearly keen and possibly assumes you are exclusive. I would if I had been dating for a couple of months... If you are not sure by now he is probably not right for you

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 09:53

'if I were a man I wouldn't feel guilty'... is no excuse to be cavalier with someone else's feelings. Nothing wrong with playing the field but you have to treat others with respect at all times. That means being honest when it's not working

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 09:58

But on some levels it is working. We have a lovely time together, I just know I'm not going to want marriage and babies with him and I'm at an age where that is looming. Does not wanting something long-term mean I have to rule out anything now? Maybe that's not fair on him either, he might think a summer is preferable to nothing?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 09/07/2013 10:04

If I were dating a man who behaved like you, OP, I'd think he was a complete twat and would dump him immediately I found out what he was up to.

pictish · 09/07/2013 10:08

Oh come on now...he may think a summer is preferable to nothing??
Are you that much of a prize that he'll be prepared to be Mr You'll Do For Now, just so he can take away memories of that one glorious summer?

He's a person! If he's showing signs of getting attached, and you know you're not - leave him be!

Don't be so hard hearted as to keep him on for entertainment purposes ffs!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 10:09

What isn't fair is that it sounds like boyfriend #1 thinks you're exclusive and is trying to make things more serious. If you told him about boyfriend #2 and he was OK with it then fine... he's got all the information and you can keep having a lovely summer. If the reason you're not telling him is because you know it would upset him and it would be over then you're just being selfish and dishonest. Those aren't good qualities in a person....

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 10:12

OK all fair and hard hitting points. My friends have been far too loyal in telling me it's all OK.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 10:15

I don't think 'loyal' is the adjective I'd use. Amoral, irresponsible, immature, jealous ....

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 10:21

Do I dare ask the kindest way to tell him? Given that I seem to be amoral, immature and incapable of treating people decently if left to my own devices?

OP posts:
pictish · 09/07/2013 10:25

Friends are often in the habit of supporting us, no matter what. Which of course is lovely.
It's not always the best advice though, because our friends sometimes don't see things objectively.

For them to advise you to keep him simmering for the summer, only to be shelved later on, means that they don't view him as a person with feelings either, but rather a facility for you. Nice for you - shit for him though.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 10:26

You ask him how he would feel if you were dating other men. There's no 'kind' way to tell someone this kind of thing.

QueenofallIsee · 09/07/2013 10:28

Tell him the truth love - you don't see a long term relationship developing and make sure he knows that he is a lovely chap. PS you are not amoral or immature, this dating shizzle is confusing!

pictish · 09/07/2013 10:29

Tell him the truth! Say you have thoroughly enjoyed his company, but you know it's not going to develop into anything more serious, as you are not feeling it.
He'll be hurt and upset of course, but he'll get over it a damn sight quicker than if you silently put him on a temporary contract, that runs out in September!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/07/2013 10:32

I meant that the friends were amoral, immature and all the rest.... 'anything goes'. Not acting out of loyalty at all.

blueshoes · 09/07/2013 10:41

As man 1 seems to be getting serious, you should tell him you just want to continue to keep things light and enjoy things for the moment without getting into exclusivity. I would be deeply uncomfortable stringing him along knowing that your and his expectations are moving further and further apart.

I operate on the principle that it is fine to have casual relationships so long as all parties know the score and no one gets hurt or misled.

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 10:42

The problem is I went into this deciding it was short term as that's what I wanted, so maybe I am just refusing to let something develop. But then if I was really feeling it I wouldn't be seeing this other guy would I? Confused #1 is not my normal type at all, which is partly what's putting me off, but maybe what's making the bits that work, work IYSWIM. #2 is my type, but arguably my normal type may not be working for me. But I also have a habit of getting stuck in relationships that aren't right because I'm not good at ending things without A Big Reason, which is another reason to be honest.

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/07/2013 10:46

It's early days.

Maybe you need to finish off with both.

Or tell man 1 that you are still just dating, that you are seeing someone else and let him decide if he wants to keep seeing you.

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 10:53

The only reason to end it now with the second is if I had a massive change of heart and decided to let myself see what happened with number 1. And I think I'd only do that out of a guilty conscience and wish to avoid awkward conversations.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 09/07/2013 10:59

Well then, just tell both you are dating around and not ready for a serious relationship yet, particularly with man 1 since he sounds close to wanting to broach the subject. That keeps the door open but not pull the wool over either's eyes.

As for someone not being your type, give it a chance. The one who makes your heart throb and sets your loins on fire is not always the one to go the distance. The fact that man 1 is keen(er) is like having the wind on your back. It sets the tone for the rest of the relationship (if it develops. I would give man 1 the benefit of the doubt for longer, if he decides to hang around.

Original poster
DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 11:06

He does set my loins on fire, that's why I haven't been able to pull away. My "normal" is to go for intellectual connection over sexual (although that has to be there too). Reversing that is what's new this time.

But clearly the current situation cannot go on. I am getting the message loud and clear that I am misleading him.

OP posts:
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