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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU - aka am I stringing these men along?

49 replies

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 09:45

I've been dating a man for a couple of months. On many levels it's lovely, but I don't see a long-term relationship there. I would say we're "dating" but he has started to try and formalise things a bit more.

Only problem is I met someone else a couple of weeks ago and have been on a couple of dates with him. I haven't slept with him. It's too soon to make any kind of call about where it would go, but potentially it could go further IYSWIM. He knows about the first man.

Am I being a cad trying to carry on seeing the second man? If he wasn't in the picture I'd be perfectly happy to carry on seeing the first man. I don't want to end it with him just on the second man's account, but maybe that is trying to have my cake and eat it. Friends tell me this is all acceptable and if I were a man I wouldn't feel guilty but I'm just not sure. I feel like I'm getting into a mess.

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 09/07/2013 11:11

You seem to like the other persona lot more than you are letting on.

2nd guy is happy to see you knowing you are seeing another person.
Is he seeing someone else?

I have a strange feeling in a couple of months the boot will be on the other foot with number 2.

Original poster

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 11:21

No number 2 definitely isn't seeing anyone else. I wouldn't say he's happy about it, thinks I ought to just end it with number 1. That feels like a leap of faith to me though.

OP posts:

pictish · 09/07/2013 12:27

So you propose to keep bloke 1 as back up do you?
Hmmm....

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 09/07/2013 12:33

If I had been 'dating' for a couple of months then I would assume exclusivity without it being explicitly stated.

After a few months you are not 'dating', you are 'going out' and at that stage if you want to see other people then that is what needs stating.

That is the way that relationships work in this country; we are not in America. If you think otherwise then you are kidding yourself.

On the Internet though it is almost impossible for us to advise which you should choose. Of all the dilemmas on the Relationships board this is a nice one to be in. Enjoy it.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/07/2013 12:34

If you were being honest with them, then I would say that you weren't doing anything wrong.

Where you are wrong is that you are not being honest. That's unfair to them. You wouldn't like someone you were seeing to not be honest with you, I'm sure.

FrankChicken · 09/07/2013 12:35

You sound like you need to get the fuck over yourself.

Original poster

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 09/07/2013 13:17

Frank I don't think anything is at the get the fuck over yourself point, but it's coming through loud and clear and constructively from other posters that honesty is required.

OP posts:

FrankChicken · 09/07/2013 13:54

Apologies, Daniel, for not being constructive, but do folk really need to ask if this is ok? Really?

CuChullain · 09/07/2013 14:02

Its all about managing expectations, the first man is keen and by the sounds of things wants to forge a meaningful long term relationship, you are clearly not on the same page as him as you continue to date other men or at the very least receptive to other offers. If you are not serious about the first bloke, let him go now, especially if he is beginning to invest in you emotionally, you will be doing him a favour in the long run even if it means bitter disappointment in the short term. Personally I think you are being unreasonable, while you don?t owe the first man a long term relationship it is a shitty and selfish thing to string him along knowing he is developing feelings that you are not going to reciprocate. If you want to play the field, go ahead, but don?t hurt people on the process just because you want an insurance policy.

Teeb · 09/07/2013 14:02

Are you having sex with both of them? I would say if you are, and both of them aren't fully aware of the situation then you are blatantly cheating on man one.

MissStrawberry · 09/07/2013 14:15

A leap of faith?

OP, why are you scared of being alone?

How would you feel if either, or both, men were seeing other people? You don't actually know they aren't of course.

blueshoes · 09/07/2013 14:29

Frankchicken, for you, the point is not about being constructive. You should first work on a way of expressing yourself clearly without your foul language letting you down badly.

FrankChicken · 09/07/2013 14:36

Sorry, blueshoes. I didn't realise the 'fuck' word was so badly thought of on here. Fuckityfuckfuckfuck. As you were :)

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/07/2013 14:37

Have to say, you're not coming over terribly well, OP. Especially with the implication (as pictish put it) of keeping a man hanging around as a back-up in case the other doesn't pan out. You sound like someone in their late-teens or early-20s but I suspect you're not.

FrankChicken · 09/07/2013 14:37

And surely it's fowl language?

blueshoes · 09/07/2013 14:42

The point which you are spectacularly missing, FrankChicken, is the OP took nothing from your first post other than your bad language. You did not get your message across in any shape or form. That is sad.

I am patiently explaining this to you because I assume you are 15.

FrankChicken · 09/07/2013 14:44

Assume all you like, BS :)

Original poster

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 10/07/2013 09:37

Thanks for the responses.

I'm not scared of being alone. I'm more scared of being in a relationship which is possibly why I've been deliberately screwing it up. Anyway, the situation cannot go on and is making me feel like a hoe bag, so I'm going to have some kind of semi-honest conversation with the first man. I've realised I like him more than I thought, which is now frustrating man 2. Obviously.

And fully aware that I'm not coming across well!!

OP posts:

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 10/07/2013 09:45

"Semi-honest"???????

Original poster

DanielCleaverwouldntcare · 10/07/2013 09:47

As in he needs to know that I'm not planning a wedding in my head and we need to decide if we can be on the same page, he doesn't need to know every detail of of everything else.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2013 09:53

I don't like the sound of man 2. Well he goes out with women who are already seeing someone for a start and tries to get them to break up. OP careful what you wish for. You just wrote that you like man 1 more than you thought. I have a feeling you might regret this one. Dunno...just something in my water.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 10/07/2013 10:43

Loving - Man 2 goes out with women who are already seeing someone for a start. So does Man 1, he just doesn't know it. And Woman 1 (the OP) started seeing Man 2 when she was seeing Man 1, so what's the difference?

MissStrawberry · 10/07/2013 11:51

Not semi-honest at all. Still lying. Man 1 does not know you have been seeing/shagging number 2 and he should before he makes a decision as to whether you are the type of person he wants to spend more time with. Any relationship you have with him is based on lies currently.

bobbywash · 10/07/2013 12:54

Jeez, I remember the posting of some people on MN when a lady found her DP had been seeing other women at the start of the relationship, before they had the exclusivity talk.

The overwhelming majority were saying, it's evidence he's a lying, cheating person of illegitimate parentage, its a massive red flag and LTB.

Why is this different as the OP being dishonest is female? It's wrong, you're lying. Sort yourself out.

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