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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did he hit me?

88 replies

wellieboots · 09/07/2013 08:01

I am totally confused. Background - I'm living in Sydney with DH who is Aussie and 8 month old DD. We've been here 2.5 years (moved from Scotland where my family are). It hasn't been easy especially since DD came. I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months, she had bad reflux (which has now settled a bit thank God), barely slept in the daytime and cried a lot between about 2 and 5 months. We had an argument with PILs about 5 months ago about feeding her at night Shock and not leaving her to cry (3 months old and ebf, WTF?!) and we haven't spoken to each other since. Well, that's not strictly true, they came to her christening which was about 2 months ago but other than that I haven't seen them.

So life has been full on and stressful. Yesterday I was feeling a bit ill (woozy, dizzy) and DH had said if I needed to call him during the day he could pop home and help as he only works 10 mins away. I rang him at 5.30, so end of the day anyway, and asked him if he could come home a bit earlier than normal as I had been feeling a bit dodgy and had felt a couple of times with DD in the previous 10 mins or so that I could have fallen. So he said he would, although in the end he didn't get home til about 6,10. I hadn't given DD her dinner yet, as she'd had a late nap until about 5.15 and I had bf'd her and she was playing. He got stressed about her dinner (I would normally already have done dinner or be doing it when he gets home) and that we had run out of some stuff and got all stressed about what to give her so he took ages to prepare something. I was sitting resting and he shouted at me to go to bed as that was why he'd come home. Except that DD always has a bf immediately before bed so I was just resting and waiting for him to give her dinner and bath her so I could do the bf and then go to bed. He muttered something about forgetting that she needed to feed (?! this is my DH who is a total bf Nazi and hasn't allowed a drop of formula to pass DD's lips even when I had to do an exam and be away for nearly 5 hours - how the hell would he forget she needs to bf?!) He got her in the bath and I went in there and he complained that I hadn't got her undressed for bath time which would normally do (um, yes, because the reason you came home is because I nearly fell over with her so I am not going to carry her naked into the bathroom which has a tile floor Angry.

I then got really angry at him and moaned about the bf comments and about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed - usually while in the depths of pnd, but still...and about him complaining about having to do the whole bedtime routine and how it was so hard and he forgot things, blah blah. He picked up DD's wet facecloth and threw it at me and it hit my arm. It was heavy and wet and it had time to pick up some speed so it hurt. I shouted at him and he came over to me and slapped me on the thigh and then held me up against the wall. He looked really scary and I didn
t' know what he would do next. I got away and went into the bedroom and packed a bag.

His version is that he didn't hit me because throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body Hmm and he says that when he held me up against the wall it was to stop me from falling as he thought I was going to fall after he slapped my thigh Confused When I told him I had been terrified of what he was going to do at that point, he seemed genuinely sorry and shocked and he did apologise.

What does the MN world think? I am so confused, sorry it's long!

OP posts:
Boomba · 09/07/2013 16:03

I think you need to report this to the police. Because I know it is not straightforward if you want to leave the country with your child, without the fathers consent.

If you have a history of reported DV, then it might strengthen your case, when you leave him and want to move back to the UK

Jux · 09/07/2013 18:50

Come back to UK. Leave him behind. He'll get worse.

Don't go to counselling with him, maybe get some for yourself to bolster your confidence (so you can say "I don't want to bf any more, so I'm not going to.") and to reset your boundaries so that that you know that a slap is a hit is a thump...... None of it is acceptable.

Vivacia · 09/07/2013 19:05

You say he's not taking it seriously. He'd take it seriously if you told the police. He assaulted you.

Original poster
wellieboots · 10/07/2013 05:55

Hard day here. Feel so alone and just want to go home. DH is back to being nice as ninepence but I think it's too late. He's happy to go to counselling as he agrees it can't happen again. He met a friend for dinner last night who told him we should go back to Scotland as we were happier there. He even said that I could use formula, but I told him it was too late, that I needed him to say that when DD was screaming with reflux and not gaining weight and they made me feed her every 2 hours for 6 weeks. She never napped and couldn't be put down and I felt like a constant human dummy. I hated every second and ended up with pnd. I just needed a break! That's when I needed him to say yes to formula, not now!

ps sorry for telling big long stories, its just cathartic to get it all out

OP posts:
Lweji · 10/07/2013 07:57

He said you could use formula...

Next time he mentions it, tell him that you don't need his permission for that. Look him straight in the eye.

You are going through the cycle of abuse. He knows you'd leave if he kept being the bad guy, so he is trying to be it, but failing, because he's still being controlling.

Use this time to sort out your options, possibly go back to Scotland, even if on holiday.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2013 08:03

Did you ask him to leave? The 'nice as ninepence' routine is pretty common after something like this. They realise they might lose their pet victim and think that, if they pay lipservice to counselling and act like everything's OK, the dust will settle and you'll forget all about it. I think you have to make a stand and get him out... Let him attend counselling if he likes. It's not recommended to go for counselling with an abusive manipulator anyway.

tribpot · 10/07/2013 09:27

He even said that I could use formula

This is not his decision. You're buying into the fallacy that he's the boss of you.

Counselling is just another way to get at you. No doubt he will expect you to organise it? And when it does happen again, you will be expected to believe it is at least half your fault, so it doesn't count as him hitting you.

How are you feeling physically today? Yesterday you were woozy/dizzy - are you feeling better in that respect?

Vivacia · 10/07/2013 10:11

I agree with others that some time and space to research and reflect is what you need. At the moment I wonder if you're too near to see the wood for the trees?

Seriously, what man gives his wife permission to feed her child formula?

Boomba · 10/07/2013 10:27

can you afford plane tickets for you and baby to come back here for a holiday? Have you got family/friends that would look after you in Scotland?

PoppyField · 10/07/2013 11:48

Hi OP,
Hope you've had a better day. You have had a major shock and you need to take one step at a time. It's not just the shock of him hitting you, it is the shock of realising bit by bit that you are in an abusive relationship and that your DH is your abuser. Is there any support you can count on - a friend or neighbour who can come over and have a coffee, or to go for a walk and have a chat? Even if you don't know someone very well, when you ask for help most people are usually incredibly kind and understanding. You would be amazed how many women have experience or knowledge of abuse. You sound very isolated. Wish I could come round and make you a cup of tea!

Don't go to counselling with him. I think it would be counter-productive. In fact I can guarantee he will be a total shit and make you 'pay' for it somehow. You would probably benefit from counselling on your own to help you see the wood for the trees. He is still manipulating you and trying to control you and it is horrible to see (from where I'm sitting) how careful and calculating he is. Cogito is right. Let him go and see a counsellor if he likes - he's the one that's got a problem.

However, it's not up to you to make sure he solves his problem - you have got to put you and your baby first. In fact, YOU come first, because you need to be ok to look after your lovely DD. So, concentrate on you. If you need to plan a trip home to get the love and support that you need, then do it. Ring your folks, get the money together somehow, and make that trip. You can do it on your own, you'll get lots of help on the flight if you ask for it.

Failing that, ask him to leave for a few days. He can book counselling for himself and have time to think about what he's done. I doubt he will make much progress as really and truly he has no intention of changing his ways. As far as he is concerned, it is you that has to fall into line - problem solved!

You need to put yourself first. Tell him what you are going to do and practice NOT seeking his permission first. Just tell him what you are going to do and do it. Buy some formula. Buy a plane ticket. Get a therapist. All for you. You can do it. Be a lioness for your daughter.

Lweji · 10/07/2013 12:04

He's happy to go to counselling as he agrees it can't happen again.

As others said, the counselling should be for him, not as a couple.

quietlysuggests · 10/07/2013 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 10/07/2013 15:19

your body, your choice. If you want to stop bf, then stop.

the only way forward is for him to understand that what he did is wrong and that he seeks help for it.

get legal advice on leaving the country, although I understand from another poster's thread downunderdolly that it is not very easy to leave Australia with a child that is born there.

MrsWembley · 10/07/2013 19:18

Are you able to get free legal advice down there? Or are you able to get some money together for an hour's consultation?

arsenaltilidie · 10/07/2013 19:22

Whether he hit you not is one of your least problems.
Living with him sounds like a nightmare.

GettingStrong · 10/07/2013 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 20:30

high emotions are no excuse for physical abuse....or verbal abuse, or controlling behaviour.

1800 RESPECT is a free, confidential service available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, if you are experiencing domestic or family violence or sexual assault. Call 1800 737 732 the AUSTRALIAN number for DV

Threatening to leave won;t make him change...look you're back where you were before. having a child won;pt make him change. Only HE can make changes for himself....and only if he wants to.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 10/07/2013 20:32

(...and he doesn't.)

cees · 10/07/2013 20:36

God you sound so under his thumb ''He even said that I could use formula'' they are your tits and only you get to decide if you want to feed a child from them, not him. He may have a preference but under no circumstances can he dictate to you what YOU will do.

foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 20:37

and if you decide that out is where you need to be this website will give you details of potential financial help including crisis payments.

foolonthehill · 10/07/2013 20:39

Don't be distracted by the BF concession....or indeed any concessions. You need to keep focussed on what he did, how your relationship works (or doesn't) and what information and support you need to keep you and your DD safe.

MrsWembley · 11/07/2013 14:23

How are you today, wellie? Hope things are becoming clearer for you.

Jux · 11/07/2013 15:34

Are you OK, wellie?

suburbophobe · 11/07/2013 20:43

throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body hmm and he says that when he held me up against the wall...

You know in your heart of hearts that this is not on and it's never going to get better, don't you.

If I were you (and I've been there so talking from experience), I would make my conclusions and make a long-term plan to get away (cos right now with the baby and PND you are very vulnerable).

I was "left" (gave him an ultimatum) when my son was 6 months, (it started when I was pregnant already), it was a really dangerous situation. Now he (son)is 21, going on 22, doing really well, at uni, and though it has not been a smooth ride (is life ever?!), it was the best for both of us.

Get in touch with WA - they must have them in Australia - and start getting copies of important paperwork together. Salary slips, passport, birth certificates, any admin. relating to your family basically.
And hide it!

So sorry you are going through this ((hugs))

suburbophobe · 11/07/2013 21:18

Failing that, ask him to leave for a few days.

Sorry, but this doesn't work with abusers. The very fact that they believe they're in the right - in their twisted mind - they would never willingly leave the house to "go and think about what they have done".

All you are doing is "upping the ante".

Unless you are sole owner, change the locks and have the police behind you of course. Even then, they might come back and take revenge (in whatever way).

You have to tread very very carefully when living with an abuser. You basically don't know what they are capable of (and the statistics say it all, sadly to say).