Did he hit me?

[wellieboots]

I am totally confused. Background - I'm living in Sydney with DH who is Aussie and 8 month old DD. We've been here 2.5 years (moved from Scotland where my family are). It hasn't been easy especially since DD came. I ended up with quite bad pnd by the time she was about 4 months, she had bad reflux (which has now settled a bit thank God), barely slept in the daytime and cried a lot between about 2 and 5 months. We had an argument with PILs about 5 months ago about feeding her at night and not leaving her to cry (3 months old and ebf, WTF?!) and we haven't spoken to each other since. Well, that's not strictly true, they came to her christening which was about 2 months ago but other than that I haven't seen them.

So life has been full on and stressful. Yesterday I was feeling a bit ill (woozy, dizzy) and DH had said if I needed to call him during the day he could pop home and help as he only works 10 mins away. I rang him at 5.30, so end of the day anyway, and asked him if he could come home a bit earlier than normal as I had been feeling a bit dodgy and had felt a couple of times with DD in the previous 10 mins or so that I could have fallen. So he said he would, although in the end he didn't get home til about 6,10. I hadn't given DD her dinner yet, as she'd had a late nap until about 5.15 and I had bf'd her and she was playing. He got stressed about her dinner (I would normally already have done dinner or be doing it when he gets home) and that we had run out of some stuff and got all stressed about what to give her so he took ages to prepare something. I was sitting resting and he shouted at me to go to bed as that was why he'd come home. Except that DD always has a bf immediately before bed so I was just resting and waiting for him to give her dinner and bath her so I could do the bf and then go to bed. He muttered something about forgetting that she needed to feed (?! this is my DH who is a total bf Nazi and hasn't allowed a drop of formula to pass DD's lips even when I had to do an exam and be away for nearly 5 hours - how the hell would he forget she needs to bf?!) He got her in the bath and I went in there and he complained that I hadn't got her undressed for bath time which would normally do (um, yes, because the reason you came home is because I nearly fell over with her so I am not going to carry her naked into the bathroom which has a tile floor .

I then got really angry at him and moaned about the bf comments and about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed - usually while in the depths of pnd, but still...and about him complaining about having to do the whole bedtime routine and how it was so hard and he forgot things, blah blah. He picked up DD's wet facecloth and threw it at me and it hit my arm. It was heavy and wet and it had time to pick up some speed so it hurt. I shouted at him and he came over to me and slapped me on the thigh and then held me up against the wall. He looked really scary and I didn
t' know what he would do next. I got away and went into the bedroom and packed a bag.

His version is that he didn't hit me because throwing the facecloth and that hitting me is not hitting, because he only slapped me rather than punching, and even then it wasn't on the face or upper body and he says that when he held me up against the wall it was to stop me from falling as he thought I was going to fall after he slapped my thigh When I told him I had been terrified of what he was going to do at that point, he seemed genuinely sorry and shocked and he did apologise.

What does the MN world think? I am so confused, sorry it's long!

[Sheshelob]

You need to find out what your rights are and start planning to leave. The other posters are right - hitting you, excusing it and doing it all in front of your little girl is a dealbreaker. Even if you can't find the strength to do it for yourself, can't you see that if you stay and it keeps happening, you will be modelling abusive relationships as the norm for your little girl. She will grow up thinking that it is ok for men to hit women and may end up in an abusive relationship herself.

Be strong. Find out what your rights are in regards to your daughter. Call home and get some support. Work out how you can leave and then leave. If he is worth it, he will seek help, change and come back a different guy. But he may not. You and your baby don't need to be in the firing line while he works this shit out.

I'm so sorry.

[Patosshades]

You know why he "slaps" you on the thigh don't you?

[badtime]

He hit you, and had been emotionally abusing you for a long time prior to that. He does not get to define what 'hitting' means. It's in the dictionary, even in Australia.

I see he has hit you before - since nothing happened then, he thinks he can get away with it now. Don't let him.

He has crushed you to such an extent that you don't trust yourself, otherwise you would not have felt the need to check if he had hit you.

What you need to do now is:

• Report what he did. If he doesn't even realise it was serious, why wouldn't he do it again? He needs to be shown how serious it is.
  
• LTB
  
• Get counselling for yourself. Do not go into relationship counselling with this manipulative shitbag.

[tribpot]

about him BU in making me ebf for 8 months when I have begged him to let me stop or mix feed

Er, it's not up to him if you bf. I accept that he has the right to an opinion, but it's like an opinion about childbirth. Unless you're doing it, your opinion is 'for information only'. It seems to me he is using it as a way of physically controlling you.

You're ticking all sorts of boxes for being a victim of abuse. Isolated and without a support network - check. Him minimising the extent of what he's done - check. Victim-blaming (which you're doing too) - check.

Counselling is not recommended in abusive relationships. Given how manipulative and entitled he is in your everyday life I think counselling would be extremely damaging for you, please don't consider that.

Every time you threaten to leave and don't you weaken your position with him. You may have to stay in Oz but you don't have to stay with him. Please do not issue another ultimatum that 'next time' you will leave.

This is a very powerful Ted talk about domestic violence. I would urge you to watch it and not dismiss the fact the level of violence was much more severe than what you've been through. It started where you are.

[HighBrows]

Wellie, keep talking here and do lean on your real life friends for support.

Tribpot that's a brilliant link, very sad but brilliant.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

Verb
Bring one's hand or a tool or weapon into contact with (someone or something) quickly and forcefully.

Noun
An instance of striking or being struck.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

I think what we're talking about here is the difference between striking with a closed fist (hitting) and an open hand (slapping).

So he's saying that so long as he doesn't use a closed fist, or strike your upper body, he can pretty much do what he likes.

[PoppyField]

Dear Wellieboots,
I feel for you. This is awful and he is treating you appallingly. This sounds so distressing for you and other posters are right to say that he has been emotionally abusing you already - otherwise you would not be so confused and questioning yourself about what actually happened. He has been messing with your brain long enough and you have been groomed into thinking you don't know what being hit is. You know enough though to know what he is doing is terribly wrong.

And what right does he have to demand that you breastfeed exclusively? He has controlled you enough to think that it is up to him what you do with your body. Sure you are doing great by your DD, but YOU get to decide when to stop or mixfeed or whatever! This is serious and you probably could do with some counselling to sort out what's real, reasonable and unreasonable in your own head, because he has been on a campaign to confuse and intimidate you.

Don't worry, you will get yourself back but no wonder you feel lost. Plus you have left behind your family and friends - people that you would normally go to for support. Keep talking on here - we know you are not mad or stupid or a bad mother. If you're wobbling, loads of people will weigh in with support and help you define what's reasonable or acceptable or, more likely, unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour. Your DH should be mortified he has even come close to scaring you. Hitting you is atrocioius.... he shouldn't be trying to split hairs and researching dictionary definitions to worm his way out of it. No, he should be desperately sorry and looking into himself to work out why he might have been so despicable to you.

If he is not sorry, then it does not bode well for a continued relationship. Have you thought about asking him to leave for a few days to give you some space? Don't let this incident go. Don't let him minimise it into nothing. Hold onto it. It is important. Good luck OP. No one deserves this treatment. Total disrespect - don't let him off the hook.

[Lweji]

As you are in Australia:

"In an emergency police urge all victims of domestic violence to phone 000 or 131 444 for police attendance.

For support phone the Domestic Violence Crisis Service on 1300 782 200 or Crisis Care on 131 611."

support numbers

Welcome to the Australian Domestic & Family Violence Clearinghouse

Salvation Army Salvo Care Line on 1300 36 36 22.

www.dvswss.com.au/
www.wimlah.org.au/

Get yourself on Google

Get a solicitor's appointment and gather as much info and local support as possible.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I genuinely think he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation. Straight afterwards, he offered to make me dinner as though it was no big deal.

It's not that he doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation, it's that it suits him to minimise it. He doesn't want to know how you feel. He doesn't care how you feel. All that matters to him is that he gets his way, and that things swiftly return back to business as usual.

It's all about him. You are a domestic appliance that has been malfunctioning. He set it straight (in his mind), and now there is no problem and nothing to discuss. You do not have a right to feelings (in his min). You especially do not have the right to make him feel bad about himself - that is utterly forbidden, with abusive people.

I tried to tell him that I felt like leaving and that I had said that if he ever hit me it was over

Your ultimatum is empty, and he knows it. You stayed the last time he hit you. You are still here this time, that he has hit you again.

You need to make good on your threat, love, because he isn't going to change his behaviour. So you either leave, or you stay, and get controlled and abused and hit again.

He hasn't admitted any responsibility or vowed to change, has he? He'll do it again.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You might find the books and websites linked here useful

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

The only acceptable level of violence within a relationship is NONE.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is really keeping you within this?. The way things are going currently, you could well end up in hospital or even worse the morgue.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. She is being shown an abusive role model of a relationship. She is learning about relationships from you two.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended where there is ongoing abuse as there is here.

Seek help using the links that people have provided for you. There is help for you; you need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to take it and make a new life for you and your DD without him in it.

His parents sound vile as well. The apple did not fall far from the tree.

[Mixxy]

If he's so set in breast feeding I suggest he goes on a rapid and intense course of female hormones. He is using EB as a means of contolling you. You get to decide what you do with your body, not him.

Are you really going to wait around with this guy until your DD is old enough to disappoint or frustrate this guy?

[Lipstickandlashes]

Your daughter was crying in the bath.

Leave.

Now.

This is no life for either of you x

[Crinkle77]

So he won't 'let' you give up breastfeeding? This is emotional abuse and is using it to control you. he wanted you to continue despite having PND. This shows an utter disregard for your mental health and well being.

[piratecat]

he hit you.

[Lweji]

These abusive men don't believe our ultimatums, unless we do carry them out and even then they think they can turn us around with their charm our love for them.

Mine was really shocked when I told him to leave, and that I'd call the police if he didn't. He stood in front of me while I did it.
He didn't believe me when I told him that one more abusive behaviour would mean the end of the relationship.
He was quite shocked when 6 policemen showed up at the door telling him that I had left him and wanted to collect my things.
He was still shocked a couple of months later when he returned home (he left in the meantime) and I didn't open the door to him as if it was nothing.

The last time I told (well, texted) him that I'd call the police if he ever came by me unannounced he did believe me. Because I had carried out every single warning I had said previously.
He also knows I'll turn off skype conversations with his son if he doesn't behave properly.

The only way for you is to leave him.

[vkinski]

Wellieboots, this is just not normal behaviour from your partner. Please take action to get out of the situation or at least get some sort of help or support. I realise you are very much isolated in terms of friends and family for support but I assume there will be a range of local support services that could help you.

It doesn't matter where he hit you - he hit you and that is utterly unacceptable, end of story.

My DH is a police officer in a domestic violence unit. Some of the cases he has told me about (which he only usually does if they are laying heavy on his mind) would make your blood run cold. In most cases, they start of with one partner being very controlling over the other, before escalating. The fact your DH is refusing to let you stop BF or even try mix feeding is completely ridiculous and to me demonstrates his domineering and controlling nature.

This is a horrible situation for you to be in but for the sake of your lovely little girl, you need to get help from somewhere.

[Ujjayi]

Wellie, please find a way to leave this man. An ex-boyfriend of mine started this when we moved in together. He would slap me across the face, head, body etc and say "I didn't hit you, I slapped you". Funnily enough neither the US nor UK police accepted his rationale and he was arrested & cautioned (I declined to press charges as I was leaving anyway. I wish I had though in retrospect. Not as revenge but to protect other women being sucked in by this ultra/charming ex-public school boy with a nasty-bastard persona behind closed doors.

[MrsWembley]

Yes, he hit you. Yes to what everyone else had said re. getting your shot together and getting out. Yes to not bothering with joint/solo counselling until this abuse has ended, if ever. Abusers find ways of justifying their behaviour, even in front of professionals, because they 'know better'.

Do you have a joint account? Is there any way of getting some money to help you through a few weeks?

[MrsWembley]

Ffs, getting your 'shit' together! Fucking auto-correct has a problem with bad language sometimes.

And as for forcing you to continue bfing, that made me feel sick. Please, please get away from this man. He doesn't love you. If he did, he'd listen to what you want.

[Lweji]

Also regarding "his" friends:
is there anyone who you think might give you some support at all?

If the wife of a male friend of mine came to me saying she had been beaten up (or any other form of abuse), I'd give her my full support.
And a right telling off to him.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

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