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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you expect much from aunts or unlcles that are only that through marriage ?

31 replies

Bedtime1 · 08/07/2013 16:42

Do you see the biological aunts and uncles different to ones that are called that through marriage. Do you expect more from the ones with some of your genes? Do you treat the biological ones differently?

OP posts:

bugsaway · 08/07/2013 16:44

as i get older and my relationships change and develop - not really as they too are getting older and their priorities change aswell. really depends on the people involved.

i definately dont expect anything from either side because i am an adult with a family of my own

Branleuse · 08/07/2013 16:45

yes, i think i probably do

colditz · 08/07/2013 16:48

I don't expect anything from anyone because it would, guaranteed, lead to disappointment.

mrsmartin1984 · 08/07/2013 17:03

I treat them the same. Especially as they have always been there and they are all in solid relationships.

Squitten · 08/07/2013 17:13

No, certainly not in my own family. We are a close family on my mother's side and none of my aunts or uncles are divorced so I've only ever known all of them as married couples. In fact, when my parents divorced (amicable), my aunts and uncles continued to maintain a good relationship with my Dad despite him not being blood.

DH's family, on the other hand, are very distant and we have nothing to do with any of his aunts and uncles other than family gatherings once or twice a year. Again, no divorces so the same people have always been there.

ZZZenagain · 08/07/2013 17:15

only really consider biological links as members of my family really but I don't expect anything in particular from them. I suppose I feel more of an obligation towards them.

Trills · 08/07/2013 17:17

I don't expect much from any aunts or uncles, but if I did expect anything from them it might be divided by couple rather than by relationship.

e.g. Aunty Sarah and Uncle James (who are married to each other) have more in common than Aunty Sarah and Uncle Dave (who are siblings)

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 08/07/2013 17:55

I don't expect anything from any of my relatives, blood or otherwise.

I love and get along with some of them, less so with others, and pursue the relationship with each that seems fitting for that person.

But regarding your question: the absence or presence of a blood tie makes no difference to me in how I view family members.

daytoday · 08/07/2013 18:16

Expect?

What exactly are you talking about here?

Are you talking about practical help?

jay55 · 08/07/2013 18:26

Depends at what point they came into my life, I don't have any that were there from my birth, the one that married in when I was 6 I'm obviously closer to than the one that joined the family when I was 18.

But I don't expect anything from then, other than keeping me updated on their kids.

Mum2Fergus · 08/07/2013 18:46

No, don't 'expect' anything from anyone...blood relative or not.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 08/07/2013 18:54

I don't expect anything from any of them but I don't distinguish between blood relatives and relatives by marriage - that may be because I come from a close stepfamily.

tumbletumble · 08/07/2013 19:00

I am not that close to my aunts and uncles and I don't think my DC will be very close to theirs (ie my brother and SIL and DH's brother). We all get on fine, no big falling out or anything, but we are separated by distance and don't make a huge effort with phone / email.

However, I am equally close to my uncles (my mum's brothers) and my aunts (their wives so no blood relation).

BackforGood · 08/07/2013 19:05

Agree with most that "expect" is a funny word, but I don't in any way differentiate between my brother and his wife, or dh's sister and her husband, etc. That said, everyone in our family is in long standing, solid relationships, and the dc have always known them as couples... "Aunty x and Uncle Y", I think it could be different if a couple separated (you'd be inclined to only see the 'blood relative' I guess) or if a couple have got together fairly recently / once the dc are teens or adults.

BackforGood · 08/07/2013 19:05

Why do you ask ?

Original poster

Bedtime1 · 08/07/2013 19:26

My husbands family just had new baby and can't help but think they expect more from me, but I don't know what I should be doing really. Also Facebook makes things worse. Like I'm wondering wether you treat the blood ones differently to the ones by marriage because the sister ( aunty - blood one of baby) said a statement when baby was first born about being proud aunts etc and left me out but included and tagged the other blood ones and not me in the status update. Am I being sensitive ? I feel sad she left me out. Would you be upset? I mean can you forget someone or do others just see blood ones not by marriage? A mistake? I dont know. It sounds silly but it upset me.

Also the reason I talk about expect is because my sister expects things from everyone all the time. She plans it in her diary. If you don't oblige she makes you feel bad and she makes digs about seeing her kids etc regularly.

OP posts:

BadLad · 09/07/2013 03:29

My aunts and uncles are very nice, all of them, and they are all still married except for one of my father's sisters who has divorced her husband.

They have kept the reasons for the divorce to themselves (and presumably their kids, my cousins), so as far as I am concerned, he is still my uncle, and I can only go on how he treated me when I was younger, which was very generously.

If it transpired that he had been abusing my aunt, then that would be different.

I don't have any brothers or sisters, so the only nephews and nieces I'm likely to have are the two toddler sons of DW's younger sister. Since we aren't able to have children of our own, I'm determined to be a good uncle for them - indeed, the only one they are going to have.

I think it's especially important in my case, as occasionally the morbid thought occurs to me that if anything happened to my sister-in-law and brother-in-law, DW and I would automatically take over their upbringing.

AdoraBell · 09/07/2013 03:58

I only knew rellies on my mother's side and don't remember feelling any diferent towards the uncles that had married my mother's sisters than I did about her brother.

In terms of expecting anything from them, I really don't understand what you mean, practical help, emocional support, financial assistance, gifts? Your sister sounds quite grabby, but that's her problem and it doesn't need to be yours too.

BadLad · 09/07/2013 04:09

I don't know what the OP meant, but I took it to read uncles and aunts both treating you like family members, whether related to you by blood or by marriage, and being there for you if you are ever in the shit.

Original poster

Bedtime1 · 09/07/2013 04:25

Yes I think I meant do you treat the blood aunts and uncles the same hence why I said in my last message that it seems that there is a difference between those and ones by marriage. Eg leaving me out of that status about Being proud auntys and tagging only the blood ones in when I'm on Facebook and only the day beforewas texting both the mum and sister about the baby etc. Just feel like they left me out deliberately.

OP posts:

BadLad · 09/07/2013 04:35

I think I'd be pissed off about not being treated the same as other aunts and uncles. As far as I am concerned, my nephews have an aunt BadLass and an uncle BadLad, and I'd feel left out if only their aunt was mentioned, unless there was a reason for it.

But I don't do facebollocks, so I don't know how annoyed I'd be about that.

Just be the aunt that you think you should be, and that you would have liked to have when you were a child. If they still expect more, then they are probably being unreasonable.

nooka · 09/07/2013 05:08

I think that there is a difference between how you might speak to your sisters about becoming an aunt and how you might speak to your sister in law, and it might be that that's coming through here perhaps?

I really like my brother's fiance, but she isn't my sister because I didn't grow up with her. I'm very happy for her to be 'auntie' to my children and for me to sort of auntie her dd (a little different as she isn't my brother's child and so has a whole bundle of extra family of her own) and I wouldn't expect my children to have different relationships with their blood and non blood relatives.

My favourite aunt growing up was technically not related to me at all, as she married my father's sister's husband after my aunt died, but she was the mother of my cousin and lovely.

I'm not at all close to my nephew and niece in law but that's just because dh really doesn't see his family hardly at all so I've just not developed a relationship with them.

Vivacia · 09/07/2013 06:48

I understand why you are upset about the comment (although why adults use Facebook in this way I don't know). I'd presume it was more forgetful than malicious though.

As for "expect" it sounds to me as though you are resentful of what you do for your sister-in-law, and I think that this is something you should address.

PowderMum · 09/07/2013 07:11

I think it's more than blood, is more about how close you are as a family. Growing up I was very close to my Aunt (Dad's brothers wife) as we were very close to the family, much closer than to Dad's sister who we saw less frequently. Now I am grown up we have drifted apart and I never see either of them.
My immediate family I am as close to my brothers wife and children as to my sister and hers, see them weekly, post on Facebook etc. friendly with her family too. On my DH side again I am close to his sister (even if I find her parenting skills weird) again see each other regularly.

We hope all the cousins grow up to be friends or at least to keep in contact.

Wheras as a family we have a strained relationship with his brother, wife and kids, never had a problem when he was single, he even came on holiday with us, however she came along with her own agenda and now we leave them to it.

Original poster

Bedtime1 · 09/07/2013 15:51

I think I feel annoyed towards my own family really and sister because they 'expect' and don't give anything back. So I'd say my own sister makes me feel bad all time and maybe this has spilled over in to his sister as when I saw that facebook status I felt left out really. I don't think I'm that close to his sister, we don't see each other a lot but then on times when we have they have said things like " how do you feel about being a new aunty, are you excited etc" which these comments were said before new baby was born, so to then leave me out of that comment ( the only one who isn't related in genes) made me feel upset. I thought are they having a dig ( bare in mine my own family have digs all the time about many thngs not just kids so I could be taking it the wrong way) or did they just forget. It made me question wether they are expecting more from me in some way but it could be just a mistake.

Also this sister said when we were visiting new baby that she's cut a brother and sister off on her husbands side because they never saw her first child or sent a present. Also with her first child she made the blood ones godparents and not the other halfs. However we wernt married then and was about 6 years ago but I just wonder what she will do this time. It's upto her but I'd still feel a bit left out.

OP posts:

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