It took me 53 years to find my answer to everything I knew had been wrong in my life, its as though I have been putting a jigsaw puzzle of my life together, year by year, but it was missing one vital piece, the one piece that would finally link together all the rest to make up an answer I had long given up hope of ever finding, the completion of this puzzle has set me free, the realisation that my mother was a narcissist has changed my life, now everything makes sense, I have read so many harrowing posts over the past weeks, all from daughters of narc mothers, I have been reading my life story in every single one them, and all of them describe my own mother with so much accuracy that it has even brought to the surface many of my childhood memory's that I had long forgotten, finally I have a name for the frequent violence, the verbal abuse, the screaming, and the crying, that my sister and I lived with, it wasn't anger, it was narcissist rage, the hurtful degrading comments that have lived within me most of my life can no longer hurt me,
The realisation that my childhood was not normal started to become apparent shortly after the birth of my second daughter, I had become abnormally
fearful for my first child, I lived in constant fear of losing her, because I loved her so much I felt I was bound to lose her, I kept it to my self untill my second child came along, and my agony doubled, now I loved two daughters, I felt I was going to lose, I finally broke down, the people who came to help me advised my husband that I needed to see a psychiatrist who had agreed to see me the next day, I owe so much to this wonderful doctor, he gave me my life back, by going back into my childhood we had found the root cause and the reason why I had been living an everyday nightmare that had began with the birth of my first child, something I had experienced as a child had resulted in what he had called a repressed memory, I would have to go back into my childhood to find, and deal with, whatever had happened to cause me to psychologically
Shut down, reverting back to your own childhood is an ordeal, and it does need a great deal of courage when you remember just how torn up you were at six years of age, I remembered living in fear of Wednesday's, when my mother would bring out her yellow and black ouiji board turn out all the lights in the house, I remembered the chanting, the twelve people, With their hands over a small glass in the centre of the board, but most of all I remembered that she had told me that the spirit moving the glass, would predict things to come, and what was going to happen in the near future ,
Later that night, I came downstairs and asked her if the spirit called up that night had told them anything, her answer was yes, and then calmly said, I am going to die two days after Christmas this year, I was six years old, I cried every day for the next 5 months, the pain I felt was indescribable, I went through the greaving prossess for something that was not going to happen,
Here then was the reason my love for my children had been torturing me,
From that moment on I was resolved to learn all I could about child psychology, and I was determined that one day I would see them grow into confident, well adjusted adults, that was twenty Severn years ago, I look at them now and I am so proud of them, I will never forget the day that they said to me, that their childhood was the best years of their lives, and wish they could be kids again, even if it were just for a day,
I only have one regret, that, being the belief that I could help my mother heal within herself through love and understanding, I included her in every thing we did as a family, but it was to no avail, and I went NC six years ago, I took all I was going to take of her abuse, the thing I found odd is the fact that my sister was treated the same way herself, there was no golden child, the most heartbreaking part of this for me is the fact that it was my own eldest child who was to become the golden child ( I have four kids) I foolishly believed that forgiving her and trusting her with my kids, I could help heal her, and bring her some happiness, the result is, I no longer see my eldest daughter, I no longer exist as far as she is concerned, the last time I saw her was in 2014, it's sad to hear that her brother and sisters try to avoid her most of the time, my mother passed away last year, but the poison of narcissism persists, my daughter has become my mother.