What made you go no contact with your mother/parents?

[ReginaPhilangie]

I want to go no contact with my narc mother, but I feel like I'm overreacting and being silly and selfish, and cruel. Short previous thread here. It's been about 3 weeks now since I sent her a text saying I wanted space from her. After a bit of an argument she's left me alone since then.

It's been fantastic having no contact with her. I've felt free and unburdened. I haven't missed her in the slightest, and although the kids have asked about her a handful of times they haven't missed her like I though they would. I really would like to have no more contact with her for the foreseeable future, (not sure how I'll feel in a few years time).

I was kind of putting off making a decision on whether to or not. She texted me tonight just asking how me and the kids were. It was a bit of a shock because I'd gotten used to not having to worry and get anxious every time I pick my phone up in case it's her. DH said not to worry and I don't have to text her back straight away. But I'm thinking I don't want to text her back at all. Would it really be so bad if I didn't?

My childhood wasn't abusive, I wasn't neglected or abused physically in any way. I went to school, had holidays, had a nice house, nice clothes, friends etc. But...on the other hand my mother basically controlled my life. It's almost like I wasn't able to think for myself or make my own choices. She never did it obviously it was always very covert. She never liked any of my friends, would make me feel guilty if I wanted to go and play out whilst she was alone. She's manipulative and controlling and emotionally blackmails me all the time.

She's caused so much trouble in my marriage over the years, she's already started with the emotional blackmail on the kids. She's interfered in every part of my life since I was little. My relationship with my sister is almost none existent because of her jealousy. I only started to have a proper relationship with my dad when they got divorced 17 years ago.

I feel like I can't justify cutting contact with her (or stopping her seeing the kids) because my childhood was normal. Because she's not a bad person just a selfish one. There are people who's childhoods were far worse than mine that still have contact with their parents.

I know that I'm the only one who can actually say whether I should cut contact or not, I guess I'm almost looking for permission to do it.

I went 18 months NC with my alcoholic mother before she died. My childhood was ruled by her unpredictability, swinging moods, alcohol fuelled rages and emotional abuse. Despite all this once I left home, marrie and had children we did forge a tentative relationship but I could never really come to terms with how I was treated and I always kept her at arms length.
She had many serious health scared and each time she would throw all help back in our faces and resort to screaming, rage and insults. The last straw came when she had yet another hospitalisation. My father was at the end of his tether and didn't really want her home unless she was having proper help. I visited her in hospital and got speaking to the social worker who also came to see my mother. This 'interference' resulted in my mother verbally abusing me, the nurses, the social worker and generally being foul. She would deliberately mess in the bed in hospital, would abuse the nurses all because she didn't want to be there - all she wanted was to go home to continue drinking.
This particular day was my DD's birthday and I'd made the 2 hour round journey to visit her. She told me I shouldn't have bothered coming. I walked out of the hospital that day and vowed that I'd reached the end of the line with her. I owed her nothing. I'd basically had enough. So I stoppped contact that day and only saw her the morning she died 18 months later but she was unconscious.
I didn't feel guilty, she'd had enough chances to change, enough people wanting to help her.

I had continued to be close to my father and support him whilst all this was going on but lo and behold within weeks he was seeing another woman. To cut a long story short like always he suddenly withdrew contact after I wasn't prepared to treat his GF like my second mother and include her in our lives (she is a troublemaking bitch and I didnt want to swap all the issues I had with my mother for the same with another 'mother')

So there, I've no parents. The betrayal by my father has been absolutely terrible, especially as before he met this woman he leaned on me for everything. I just remember that he's a weak man (he let my mother get away with murder) and he'll let this woman do the same - I won't be around to pick the pieces up though.

I had an abusive narcissistic mother, she was frequently violent, verbally

abusive, and controlling, I also had nice holidays, was dressed well, etc.,
when I had a family of my own I included my mother as a part of my family, we included her in family holidays, Christmas, dinner every Sunday, etc. I also thought that by forgiving her and forgetting the past I could help her to heal through being a part of a happy family who freely gave her unconditional love, I thought I could heal my mother, I felt that to go no contact would be cruel and heartless, but I have learned over the last twenty seven years that to forget our past we jeopardise our future, but as the years passed by I found myself growing more and more afraid of her, until in the end I became a nervous wreck, desperately trying to avoid the insults and horrible verbal abuse I would get (one example being late for Sunday dinner) the decision to go no contact with her came when I saw other peoples reaction to the way she was talking to me when I took her out to do her weekly shop, I will never forget the look on their faces, it was then I finally realised that I had never deserved to be treated by her in this manner, and that I was still as afraid of her as much as I had been as a child, the thing I found odd was how nice and loving she was toward my kids, her behaviour with them was in total contrast to the childhood of myself and that of my sister,
I left it too late to go no contact, only six years ago, it was only a few months ago that i found the answer to why so many things were going wrong in my life, my own mother was a narcissist, now everything makes sense,
forgiving and trusting my mother has cost me my eldest daughter, i have not seen her nor spoken to her for over four years, if only i had know sooner, that my mother was a narc, it hurts me to know that her brother and two sisters go out of their way to avoid her now, my mother passed away last year, but the poison of narcissism persists, my daughter has become my mother, i will never forget the day she said to me, that if she ever had children of her own, she would want to give them the same happy childhood, filled with magic and laughter she herself had grown up with.
What went wrong, first of all i overestimated my mothers ability to feel genuine love, she could never find the empathy to understand how lucky she was to have been given a second chance at being part of a happy family by a daughter she had abused, the sooner we realise just how insidious this personality disorder is, the better we can protect not only ourselves, but our children too, my advice to anyone with children and a narcissistic mother, there are risks involved with maintaining contact,
you would be very wise to arm yourselves with finding out about what you are dealing with, learn all you can about every aspect of narcissism, there are so many websites out there that can educate you on this subject, also it is very eye opening to read posts by adults who have been through narcissistic abuse as children, if you find that it is already starting to cause considerable damage within your own family, then no contact should be considered, if contact is maintained then it would be wise to be present when your children visit their grandparent, never make the mistake i made by allowing your kids to stay with your mother without you,
knowledge is power, narcissism can not be cured, but with enough knowledge and vigilance it can be controlled.

I haven't seen or spoken to my mother in 2 years. And my life is so much better! Society dictates that blood is thicker than water, that you should stand by your parents no matter what.. I've never bought into that thinking or guilt tripping!

To an extent it kinda doesn't matter what she has done..but how she makes you feel. Mine made me feel horrible. Anxious. Depressed. Even suicidal from time to time. What other people think/say doesn't matter. Only you know truly how you feel. If you feel like that's the right thing to do, you are strong, you can do it.

I seem to have gone no contact with my mother. When I think back to my childhood the MN expression of "naice ham" springs to mind. There was no swearing, physical neglect or drugs, she was the opposite and almost puritanical. Everything had to appear naice and respectable.

Underneath the façade we were always walking on egg shells around her latest mood. Who knew when she would next be critical, storm about, do a character assassination , sulk, go through your stuff, or throw things around because she felt we were untidy.Her blow outs could be unpredictable and go on for hours, or days. Other times you could feel the storm gathering. She does have many good qualities so it wasn't all bad.

I maintained a reasonable relationship with her when we all started to have kids. We were almost friendly at one point. She seemed to finally accept me as proper adult and loves being surrounded by young children.

Since my Dad died she started to turn on me again and I couldn't do anything right. Anything I said was treated with disdain. At first I brushed it off as her not coping with the upheaval and of course it would get better. It didn't and the little digs increased and became entrenched as a new relationship pattern with me. Dig dig dig , then the moment I looked displeased was used as proof of how difficult I am and that is why she's unhappy. At the same time telling others that I was being so helpful and she was so grateful!!

Things came to a head when I visited her, she was in a vile, passive aggressive, sulky, critical, poor me mood the entire time. I couldn't stand the tension anymore and left without an explanation..

At first she rang around carefully picked people saying she was worried about me. I received a call from someone thinking I was suicidal. That has gradually changed to she doesn't know if she can speak to me, slight implication that she's a bit scared of me. Poor me, I have to tip toe around Huldra.

I can't see our relationship going anywhere unless she can call me and say that she hasn't behaved nicely. When she's going through a bad phase she is text book vulnerable narcissist, so that is unlikely.

If it hadn't come to a head I would have slowly withdrawn from her, rather than make a sudden or complete break. If she's nice and manages a call that doesn't involve being critical of someone, then more likely to make a happy call to her the next week. When she's nasty to me, then she doesn't get a happy call the next week.

I went nc with my mother just over a year ago.

Many reasons, mainly because she's a narc, but the worst reason being that she kept trying to 'mend' my relationship with my eldest brother, who sexually abused me when I was a child.

Despite everything she did, I still kept running around after her, ferrying her here there and everywhere-being the supportive, dutiful daughter I was conditioned to be. Until she demanded that I left the dinner I was cooking, was late to pick ds2 up from a playdate, disrupt my entire evening- to pick her up from the dentist. And I did it- but I was in a temper like I'd never been in before, and I let rip with it all on the journey home.

It was at that point that I decided that I would no longer have anyone in my life who made me feel bad, or guilty, or less than I should be.

So I blocked her, and my eldest brother. And the relief was enormous, and instant.

I had a few months when some people would try and extract a promise that it wouldn't be forever, then I baldly told them why I'd done it. They didn't push the matter again.

My father died on Sunday just gone (he and Mum have been divorced for nearly 40 years). I had wondered, before, if his death would make me reconsider (we knew it was coming), but if anything, I'm more sure than ever before that I did what was right for me.

Basically, it doesn't matter what your reasons are, or what anyone else thinks, or what they want. And your reasons have as much validity as anyone else's. No-one is obliged to give of themselves to anyone who wants to drag them down.

I am LC. It's great. Have been for over 20 years.

I ignore the ranting texts and emails. No response. No acknowledgement that they were ever received. They are rare now.

I respond to sane texts and emails. Blandly. Not immediately. Not even the same day. Probably the next day. Everything is fine. Everyone is fine. Bland.

I never read the letters. They are always rants. I can tell by the thickness of the envelope before I even open it. I don't even have to read the words to know it is the handwriting of mega-rant. They still arrive maybe every 3-6 months.

DH used to open them for me, read them and let me know if there was any important factual information. A letter of ten pages, two-sided might result in him telling me 3 facts: Aunt A has moved house, Grandma had a chest infection, your mum is still bonkers. Now I usually open them myself but mostly I glance at the handwriting, do a very brief skim, find nothing worth absorbing and chuck it in recycling (usually ripped up, coldly).

The monkeys don't bother trying anything with me any more. Well, not often. They just get bland boring responses. "I'll think about it" "Oh dear" "We'll see" "I hope they work something out" "That's nice" "Tell me about you, what's going on with such-and-such?"

In answer to your actual question, there was no big moment that led to LC/NC. I just got sick of the relentless of it and stopped engaging. I moved away too, so I wasn't right there so easily accessible to her (pre-mobile days).

Have you heard of the grey rock / pebble theory? It is for dealing with psychopaths but I've found it works for all forms of drama creating types, including my DM and her sister.
The Gray Rock Method of Dealing with Psychopaths
How I Became a Gray Rock to Escape an Abusive Relationship

OP I don't think you should respond to her texts because that would on her terms. If you decide to go LC rather than NC do it on your terms not hers. I am off to google Narc Mothers, didn't know until now that I might have one

Hi everyone. I know this is a really old thread but just wanted to comment. It's nice know we are not alone in all this, although it's not a nice thing to have in common with others. I am 39 with 4 kids. I've been attempting to go no contact for some years with my NM(Narc mother). Finally done it and this time it's permanent, been no contact for 3 months. Each time previously she has acted super nice and then when I've started speaking to her again, WAM created a massive drama that I have stupidly walked into every time so I look like a trouble maker. Alls I have ever done is react. She sends people to our house, phones, turns up at our children's schools. Phones me from withheld numbers. She began to start controlling behaviours towards our children and mess our eldest daughters head up so enough was enough. She spread lies about my husband and me and and says we abuse our kids! Which we do not. She puts our kids in dangerous situations and makes out I am crazy when I confront her about it. She is never wrong. She is always poking her nose into every aspect of my life so now she is very much engulphing. Everything is a drama and she takes centre stage.
I had a horrible childhood and felt so unloved and alone. I was bullied in school and at home by her and stopped eating and wanted to die. I was hospitalised. The only person who spoke to me nicely the entire time was a dr at Alder hey who suspected I was being abused. She now makes out this never happened and gaslights me about it. I was brought up by other people's parents. I was abused by an uncle and she stood and spoke to him after I had told her with me standing next to her. The list goes on and on. She turned us all against our own dad who she was also abusing. I now only know this because once he died she focussed on doing the same she did to him to me. He died suddenly after they divorced. She had an affair and moved the new guy in as soon as our dad moved out. My poor dad was isolated and had the same network of people against him. I attempted suicide as a teenager a few times. But it's taken me literally years to realise what's going on.
She is also a hypochondriac and if you are ill she knows someone who is ten times worse yet she gets a sneeze and goes to the drs.
My mum fits into a lot of categories of Narcs. I was pretty much neglected and ignored as a child but was also at the same time the scapegoat. She has always put me down and also played the victim and encourages wider family member to belittle me and put me down. She has caused trouble as she has always been the middle man passing messages on. My mum is very social and has an entire network of people who all think she is lovely and who she uses basically for attention and to get what she likes.
It doesn't matter how bad these people are or not if effects your self worth and confidence and sometimes the only way is no contact. I accepted I would never have a normal relationship with her some years ago and got wise to her after reading the book 'Will I ever be good enough' that was a turning point. She has sensed me pulling away so have become more vindictive and nasty. Luckily this time my brother and his wife have been good about it. Maybe because I have explained the cycle and she does do it to them also just not as bad. Things are getting better slowly. I would be lying if I said it was easy but we have been conditioned from an early age to not put ourselves first and learning to do that sometimes for survival sake can be difficult. Hope everyone makes the right decision for you. It's never easy.

Hi. I completely acknowledge with you, covert activity takes ages to realize even though they have been so obvious for so long and affected ones life. If you feel its good for you to go no contact that is your right

Father in my case. 30+ years now. Don't know if they are alive or dead. Couldn't give a shit either way.