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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

not sure if we should split up

28 replies

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 19:26

I dont want to paint this as all being my partner so will try to be objective. We have two young children and have been together for 15 years. He has a short fuse. He will say we need to rush to get somewhere moan cos i drive carelessly or in a rush (he cant drive). He has very little concept of time but i dont think its fair to moan we are late then wonder why i am all flustered and cant as he puts "stop getting stressy." he just flares up and im fed up with it tbh. But the thought of splitting up is quite terrifying. We do both get totally worn out with the kids and find it hard work, we both work. Im very passive aggressive and will roll my eyes or just says things will be fine which i think is quite grating. He has just had an awful personal tragedy so is not himself but i dread weekends cos i know i will piss him off over something. Hes quite OCD and worries about sell by dates etc and hygiene wheras im much more blase.

The most annoying thing is he will not talk. If i ever trt to talk about a falling out and try to come up with a way to resolve something so we can avoid it happeninb again i get told "im bringing it all up again." how the hell are things meant to change??

OP posts:

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 07/07/2013 20:03

Your username sounds familiar. Have you posted about your marriage before?

Here are the classic red flags that appear in your post:

He has a short fuse.
he just flares up
i dread weekends cos i know i will piss him off over something.
If i ever trt to talk about a falling out and try to come up with a way to resolve something so we can avoid it happeninb again i get told "im bringing it all up again."

Only you can be the judge of whether these are things you are willing to tolerate, or not.

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 20:16

No they're not things im willing to tolerate. But i know he hates it too. He doesnt like us arguing in front of the kids and he knows he has a temper. He did buy a punchbag but hasnt used it for ages. Ive had some counselling which made me realise that its not all him as id thought. I totally inflame situations by the way i react but its very hard to change. Also i have recently had some scrapes in car and today i nearly drove into the kerbside when driving at 60 mph on dual carriageway so can see his point to an extent. Hes gone through a huge loss of an immediate family member very recently and true to form wont talk about it.

I think we are both struggling with the children. They wont play with their toys. Our little boy used but he just wants to be picked up or play on the ipad (i know we shouldnt have let him in the first place!) and my older child isnt as bad she likes doing art and craft but again never plays with anything and needs a lot of attention. In general everything feels very difficult.

OP posts:

GiveItYourBestShot · 07/07/2013 20:20

He bought a punchbag? That would make me run.

On the driving, it needs a lot of concentration. If he is making you constantly stressed, anxious and on edge your driving will get worse. Chicken/egg. Why can't he learn if he's such an expert?

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 20:22

Yeh i know i tried to tell him that and he does try to be quiet sometimes. I just wish he would learn to drive if hes such an expert. He bought the punchbag when he found out his dad was dying. He had a lot to be angry about and needed a release.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 07/07/2013 20:25

Thing is, id blow my top at my DP if he nearly drove into the kerb at 60mph. Could it be that he is anxious in the car?

Also if he has had a bereavement then it will affect the way he behaves and acts. I had a nervous breakdown when i lost my dad.

It just sounds to me like things are hard with the kids, life in general. It will pass.

Only you know if he treats you well, you say you are passive aggressive and you complain about him being OTT about sell by dates, well sell by dates on meat are non negotiable in this house too, i dont think thats OTT. SAying that some of our spices etc are virtually antiques!

You sound alot like me and my DP and we have come through the other side of things.

LEMisdisappointed · 07/07/2013 20:28

Him buying a punchbag isn't a red flag to me - my DP has one, he used to use it for exercise and karate practice.Yes i suppose it does help with frustration, grief and anger - so long as he isn't directing anger at you either verbally or physically.

I don't drive and am quite happy to give my DP the benefit of my years of experience as a back seat driver if i feel he is driving too fast!

Im not making excuses just saying that actually whilst you clearly have issues to work on between you, it doesn't sound un mendable.

antimatter · 07/07/2013 20:29

how often are you in the car together?

my ex used to comment on my driving a lot (he is calmer driver than me) - I said to him if he ever comments again or moans I will stop in the middle of whichever road we wer driving and expect him to get out an walk

everyone agrees that commenting like that would make a saint to hav break down
it's against the law I believe to interrupt driver who is driving

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 20:30

Yeh he is anxious in the car and yeh maybe i need to admit that i am sometimes in the wrong with driving and not just think he should learn. I think i need to earn his trust back with driving. Sometimes i ask him to direct me and sometimes i snap that of course i know the way which is pretty inconsistent.

We have nearly split up several times over past few months but never do cos whrn kids arent around things are much better between us!

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 07/07/2013 20:35

its so tough isn't it.I know exactly what you mean about things being better when the kids aren't around. DP and I try our hardest to get a couple of hours together every other week or so as its difficult to be able to talk with DD constant yap and demands. It does get easier.

Are you THAT bad at driving?? I only ask because obviously if you are then yes, you need to sort that out for everyones safety but otherwise, don't let his anxiety rub off on you.

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 20:45

Well of course i think im an excellent driver!
I drive an awful lot during the week for work actually enjoy it when im on my own but have just booked an eye test as wonder if that might be the issue!

Example earlier. He gave the kids some scotch eggs for tea i then grabbed the packet and threw them away cos they were three days out of date. Daughter had already eaten one. I had told him that i had sorted the fridge and everything in it was fine so of course he totally blames me. I had seen they were out of date five mins earlier but had for some reason (rushing probably) i had put them back in the fridge. I find it hard to even think sometimes when kids are around.

OP posts:

GingerJulep · 07/07/2013 20:50

Sounds like you're both (particularly him with his dad) having a hard time right now.

Also sounds like a very normal relationship.

Obviously I don't know you but to me, sounds entirely fixable. He'll need a year or so of grieving for his dad though before getting more back to whatever is normal for him.

So, yes, it should get better. But not 'soon' on a micro level. 'Soon' in terms of a lifetime though :-)

ImperialBlether · 07/07/2013 21:06

About the children - do you think they pick up on the fact you are always distracted and try to get your attention? I know my son did this when I was going through a bad time. That demand for attention made me worse and it was easy to see how it could escalate.

When you are driving, does he let you get on with it or does he have white knuckles and sharp intakes of breath while holding onto the car door handle? That would drive me mad and definitely make me a worse driver.

How old is your youngest? I felt very similar to you when I had PND, not diagnosed until he was a couple of years old.

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 21:10

Already on antid's for pnd have been for over a year. He tells me how to drive. Even when to pull out at junctions. Which if i take ages doesnt endanger anyone so is totally unneccessary. When he telld me stuff i roll my eyes and say nothing!

OP posts:

antimatter · 07/07/2013 22:22

in the end I said to my ex - if I drive - do not comment, or get out, I was v.stressed with having to concentrate to drive and plan and him moaning

if you re driving for work you must be quite used to negotiating traffic

ask him to stop commenting, use your judgement and get used to not relying on him - in the long run it will benefit everyone

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 07/07/2013 22:33

Thing is now the kids arent here we've had a perfectly pleasant evening. Its very stressful being a parent isnt it :(

OP posts:

antimatter · 08/07/2013 16:22

it and it shall pass :)

maybe you should look out for the signs of triggers, what sets you off and preemptively come up with a strategy of how to cope with it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 17:58

"He tells me how to drive. "

That's nothing to do with the children though, is it? Damn rude for anyone, let alone a non-driver, to be barking instructions at the person kind enough to get them from A to B each day. 'Trying' to tell him sounds very wishy-washy... just tell him to shut up.

Not trying to diagnose you over the net but are you sure it's PND you've had for a year? Being in a depressing environment is very unhealthy. Could it simply be that you live with a knob?

GiveItYourBestShot · 08/07/2013 18:37

"Also if he has had a bereavement then it will affect the way he behaves and acts."

It's not an excuse for behaving like a knob, though.

Why is it your responsibility to check the fridge for out of date food when he is the one who is bothered by it? Sounds like he is making you feel responsible for his moods.

LEMisdisappointed · 08/07/2013 18:58

Or it could actually be that the OP is stressed and tired and therefore more sensitive to his comments etc and the DH is stressed, tired and grieving, suffering too from some sort of anxiety and they could work through this together? Not all men are the spawn of satan you know

GiveItYourBestShot · 08/07/2013 19:06

Not, they're not. But some of them are! Maybe I'm projecting because I wasted three years with someone who sounds very like this man and it damaged me quite badly. He didn't want to work anything through, he just wanted me to accept that my place was in the wrong.

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 08/07/2013 19:13

he does want to work things through he just doesnt know how too. Hes a very emotionally closed off family who dont do talking.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 08/07/2013 19:13

If im honest i can't say whether its like you describe or not giveityourbest, and im very sorry you had to go through that. I actually posted contrary to your post because DP and I had very similar issues and he most certainly isn't a bad man. I think we all project our own experience to a certain degree. I can see wrong on both sides and maybe some couples counselling would help.

GiveItYourBestShot · 08/07/2013 19:18

I am a big fan of counselling :) do you think he would go with you, tired?

Original poster

tiredmummy33 · 08/07/2013 20:11

Ive asked before and he wont. I would go like a shot. I have many friends who's partners refuse to go for counsellinv.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 08/07/2013 20:21

My DP woudlnt go to counselling with me either, he thinks its all a bit woo. So don't be put off that he wont go - its hard for men and your DH sounds like he struggles to talk about his emotions anyway so counselling is probably really scary for him. For me it works because it makes things logical and i am a scientist so i am always looking to rationalise things. If you can get counselling for yourself though tired, then do, as i found it very useful. It can't change the way your DH behaves but it can help you to understand it and look at how the dynamics work. My counsellor most certainly did not take my side all the time, even though she had never met DP, because she could of course only work on my behaviour and the influence it had on him.

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