Should I tell him? Warning, long.

[McNamechangey]

Ok, so name changed... I need to know how I deal with an oblivious XH who thinks he is the best father in the world. Sorry for the mammoth post, don't want to drip feed anything.

XH started a new job working abroad this year. He used to live 5 hours drive away, and this job is now based 4 hours away, but with regular trips abroad (sometimes for months at a time). He used to see the dcs every other weekend. But since the new job in 5 months he has only seen them 5 times. He hasn't actually been flown out anywhere yet, he just doesn't come up to see them anymore, and cancelled the every other weekend arrangement. I now occasionally get a text midweek saying "can I see them this weekend?" and bend over backwards to accommodate this.

Technically our access arrangements are now a week at school holidays if he wants them and I have offered two weeks (one week at a time) over the summer and then sporadic weekends when he has time.

He wanted a fortnight over the summer. But dc3 is about to turn 4 and givens feel that is just too long for her.

All 3dcs have suffered various emotional issues due to his behaviour before the break up, the break up, and new home etc.

We used to live where he was (5 hours away) but when he started talking about changing jobs we moved back home to where we are now (since I had no support or family up there and we were only in the area for his work). This has of course now been rewritten as "he had to change jobs because I stole the children away". Which is not true.

He never phones the children, occasionally texts the eldest (maybe twice a month), and in all honesty their relationship was strained with him already. Dc1 (14) stated yesterday that he didn't care about seeing his dad that much since dad had clearly chosen his job over them and always would :( not even said with bitterness, just matter-of-fact. Dc2 (8) wet the bed for the first time in months on thursday night - the night after I'd told him he was seeing his dad this weekend. And dc3 (nearly 4) Who is usually so independent becomes a clingy wreck in the days after a visit.

I do not slag him off to them. I reassure them that he loves them more than his work. But they clearly hurt, whether it's from missing him, or the change in routine, or something else I don't know. They are in such a good place when he's not involved. All the stresses, nervous twitches, bed wetting, clinginess, insecurity, sadness, just disappears and they are normal happy kids. I just want them to have a normal, stable relationship with him.

So, XH is now insisting he wants them longer in the summer (has stated that if he goes for a week and a half abroad he can get cheaper flights), but I've already stated that a week is long enough. He sent me about 50 texts yesterday demanding his "rights". I've said over and over that he can have them for longer, just not all in one go. I would even stretch to him having them for half the holiday as long as that was in one week periods.

He has not said anything about being out of the country for the whole time, just that he wants from this date to this date, no others, only one visit, only one holiday and why can't I do what's best for the dcs and let them go.

I've also said that next summer with dc3 being older a longer break would be fine. I've said he can take the eldest for longer.

I don't really want to get into a discussion about whether a week is not long enough, I know my dc3 and I know it's too much right now.

I have never told him all the emotional problems his actions trigger. He was Emotionally and Sexually Abusive in our marriage, and there were times that the dcs were scared of him, but his anger was directed at me not them, so I don't believe he's abusing them. He is a careless and thoughtless man, but dc1 is always there and watches the younger two like a hawk (much as I hate the responsibility, it reassures me).

He wants to know why I'm being such a selfish bitch and denying him acces to his children who need him so. I have told him my reasons (dc3 too young, they need stability etc) offered other times, but I have a horrible feeling he's just going to take them and not bring them back.

Should I tell him what his dcs really think and how they really react to him? I never have because he'll just tell me I'm a nasty bitch trying to drive a wedge between them. I don't see the point. But he doesn't see the damage and he can't accept he's anything less than a perfect parent. He doesn't see that reduced contact is a lot when you're small.

I've gone down the route of explaining. That hasn't worked. I'm now at the point of saying "you've had my answer, stop contacting me about this", and am getting constant texts. If I don't reply he says it's because I know I'm wrong. I've started replying with a copy and paste of "this has been discussed, the answer is no". He carries on. It's like being married to him again :( I feel stressed and nervous. I'm tempted to say "sod it, take me to court", please help me keep my dcs safe and happy. I want them to see him and have a good relationship with him, but I won't see them hurt.

"As discussed, I am very concerned about this holiday due to the appalling burns they suffered whilst in your care this weekend, therefore I do not give my consent to them being removed from the country for this holiday. I am happy to attend mediation/court to resolve this but I will not be discussing it directly with you again."

Thanks bogey, I'm such a bloody idiot. I've just done some maths (apparently not my strong point!) and he lied to me about the length of the holiday anyway. Bear in mind that I had previously stated (in march) that I was unhappy with it being a fortnight, but either 2 (or even 3) single weeks was ok. He wasn't happy but agreed.

Roll forwards to last week and he asks to book the flights from a Tuesday to the following Thursday (but later throws in that to catch these flights he would pick them up on the Monday, and would bring them back late on the following Thursday). That's not 9 days, that's 11 days! (I'm a bit slow apparently) and now he offers to book the flights from Tuesday to Tuesday... Which would mean picking them up on the Monday, and dropping them back god knows when... Even if he drops them on the Tuesday, there's that 9 days again. (And yes the weekend in the middle was the weekend I had plans)

I don't want to be too confrontational. I really don't. Something along the lines of "The booking you suggest still exceeds the timeframe offered. I would strongly recommend that you don't spend money that you may not be able to recover, until we have a set agreement in place. It's a shame you have decided to broach this matter with so little time to spare before the access period to sort out any disagreements."

Xales it's also only just hit me that I'm the only one who is ever flexible with access. He suggests a time, if I'm busy I offer alternatives and get a set no in reply and then a guilt trip about how I'm stopping him seeing the dcs, and hasn't we agreed to be flexible? So I give in.

His side is completely rigid and unwilling to compromise.

Remember that if he loses money (ie if he has actually booked a holiday and isn't just bullshitting again) it's his own fault and not your problem.

Keep it up OP, you seem so much more in control than you did at the start of this thread, keep the momentum going.

I understand that you dont want to be confrontational, but tbh I dont see that you now have any choice.

He has never given a shiny shite about being confrontational with you, because he knows that eventually you will give in.

Do you have the kids passports? If so, hide them, preferably away from the house with someone you trust, or at work which would probably be safer. Contact the passport office, explain the situation and ask if they can be flagged up so if they are reported lost, new ones will not be reissued.

Then.....see a solicitor. Get them to write to him reiterating your concerns about the neglect and injuries they suffered at the weekend and that you are formally withdrawing your consent to remove them from the country. Then offer mediation or co-operation if he wants to go to court.

You may not like standing up to him, but frankly this is not about you, this is about your children. You MUST stand up to this bully for them, if you dont then you will be letting them down just as much as he is. I am sorry to say that, but its true.

SGB, I know that, I'm just to damn nice! That's what he relies on, that I will think of others first and feel guilty for issues that aren't mine.

I'm a moron.

Thanks Yoni :) don't quite feel it yet. Any views on the email response?

Do not email him. See a solicitor and get them to reply, its the only way to show dicks like this that you mean business.

Bogey, I do know that only way the dcs would be safe in Spain would be not to leave the house for the entire time they are there :(

Bogey, I'm going to keep xposting damnit! I have an apt for next Monday (earliest they had). I wanted to still be fair and reasonable. If it does go to court I want to be seen to be what I am.

Right. So knowing that they cannot go for their own safety and YOU must be the one to prevent them going

You absolutely must.

Do you want to explain to your DC or anyone else that you knew it would happen but let them go anyway? Because you didnt want to confront your ex? Do you really want to look your child in the eye, when in appalling pain and having scars for the rest of their life as a PP described above, knowing you could stop it?

If you feel guilt about others, feel it about your children, not the abusive arse that allows them to be hurt.

Bollocks to fair.

You need to be fair to your children, dont give him another thought. He gave up his right to fair when he bullied you and allowed his child to badly injured.

Stop thinking in this "Oh but I must be fair to him" bullshit. At no point has he been fair to you or his children, so fuck him.

And keep all of the texts and emails, you will need them as proof of his unreasonable bullying demands.

Bogey, that is very hard to hear, but in no way untrue :(

Should I keep the text where I tell him he's not allowed to touch me during drop offs (hugged me in front of the dcs so I couldn't reject him), because the sexual abuse and rape that he put me through means I never want to be in physical contact with him ever again? His reply? "Oh, I was just so pleased you'd got your new job".

Think I still have a "sorry I raped you" letter somewhere too.

Now there's a life I never thought I'd be living

Sorry. None of that's relevant. It's just sometimes so hard and I want to run away and shut down :(

Just to add my voice to the others advising that you don't respond to his latest email. In fact I suggest that you don't communicate directly at all, that all communication is now through a solicitor. At least until you get to mediation or court or whatever. Also if possible, set up meetings with a few family solicitors then decide which one you want to use. Find one who is supportive and you feel you can listen to their information but make your own decisions. Avoid any who you don't feel comfortable with, or you feel they are pushing you in a particular direction.

When's the next scheduled contact date (roughly), or has he not arranged one yet?

The next one is the holiday. In 4 weeks' time.

I do like the advice about finding one I'm happy with.

Absolutely get it all done through legal channels - he cannot argue with them. All contact to go through your solicitor and his.

and NO to any physical contact you are unhappy with - he has no right to touch you without your consent.

Start making notes, taking dates, and printing off emails and texts, start building a file to support your requests.

Jan you are still victim blaming the OP. You mention unhealthy behaviours beween them both when HE is the abuser.
Then you say "im not blaming you"

You remind of those people that start sentences with "im not racist but" or "im not sexist but"

Captain will do :) I've started a log of incidents.

Darkest, thanks again, I just don't get it.

Have just had a heart to heart with dc1. It's thrown up a lot more information. None of it good.

He came to ask me if XH was still taking his medication (was on ADs for the last few years we were together) because he "gets angry really quickly" with the little ones.

Last time they were with him they went out on a wet and windy day and dc3 got so cold she was shivering and crying. XH shouted at her and refused to go home. Dc1 stood up to him and got told to stop trying to parent "because I know what I'm doing".

Dc3 went through a phase of having to be coaxed to eat. She would, it just took a bit of persuasion and patience. She's been fine at home and nursery for a few months now, but apparently refuses to eat anything of the meals at XH's. she snacks on chocolate in between.

The dcs are allowed to run riot, but then get shouted at over the smallest thing. No wonder they're so unsettled when they come home.

XH and his mother tell dc1 off if he tries to enforce my rules whilst there. He is completely undermined by them both and belittled and laughed at for "thinking he's the parent". If XH does something that is age inappropriate for dc3 (for example trying to put a nappy on at night, even though he knows toilet training is complete), then if dc1 points out that it's no longer necessary he gets told he doesn't know as much as XH and to keep his nose out.

There was more. I didn't even have to prompt him, it all came pouring out. He said he loves his dad but he wants to be his mate, not his dad anymore. He spoke about how he's chosen his work over his dcs again too.

As one off things they all seem like minor incidents, but add them together and surely he's EAing the dcs? Is this as bad as it seems to me?!

Namechangey yr dh and his mum are being emotionally abusive to the DC. Im so sorry youve all been put through this. And the sexual abuse hes put you through ANY evidence you have (texts e mails old letters) save them or put them to one side somewhere safe.

WTF is he putting a nappy on an already toilet trained child.
Hes that scared that the child is going to wet the bed and hes going to have to do a little bit of housework by changing the sheets.
Assuming that he would bother that is. After all he didnt bother with the suntan lotion or the dry t shirt did he?
And i bet i know why He (like some others) sees childcare as womens work He sees the actual childcare as beneath him and sees women as beneath him.
Did he actually do his fair share when you were together Name I bet not.

Stop contact NOW.

Contact your solicitor for an urgent appointment (if you tell them it is for child protection reasons then they will fit you in) and do not allow ANY contact until the court orders you to. If your solicitor recommends you contact social services (and I think they might) then please do so. This man is abusive and neglectful, and SS will support you in keeping them safe from him.

With the evidence you have then chances are he will have to go to a supervised contact centre.

Be strong. Say no. When he has decided he will come and get them, be out. Call the police if he gets aggressive, whatever it takes, do it.

This man is abusing your children.

Agree with Bogeyface.

Darkest, funnily enough he was quite hands on. Unfortunately the man I thought I married doesn't exist. He's a compulsive liar who seems to have had a complete personality transplant since I left. Work friends of his begged me to go back to him, not for my own sake, but because he was a nicer person to be around back then and they were struggling to stay friendly. I was convinced he was a liberal (little L) person, but now spouts right wing rubbish.

I would always have to remind him about safety concerns though. It was a constant, exhausting stream of "don't sleep with the newborn on the sofa" (having promised not to, afterwards the response changed to "there's nothing wrong with it) - the first and last time he looked after them at night. Being reminded to hold hands with a toddler (or even walk beside them) when next to a road or river ("they don't want to hold hands/it's not busy/they're fine!"). Dc1 will stay up until 3am whilst there, be given beer if XH's mates are around (and yes, on more than one occasion he couldn't survive a weekend alone with them so brought a mate). Once I needed to nip round to get something and was told to let myself in as they were out (youngest was 2) and I counted 20 empty cans of beer just lying all over the place (and that was only one room). XH is hammered after 2. And can be a very aggressive drunk :( that was from one night (they'd only arrived the previous evening).

It has always terrified me letting them go with him. But I know dc1 thinks like me, I know he'd grab dc3's hand, I know he'd think of the dangers. I know he'd always put them first. But that's not his responsibility.

That's only the first things that come to mind :(

He's also ALWAYS late returning them. Usually half an hour, occasionally up to 2 hours. If he's going to be very late he gets his mum to drop them. Not that I can say anything in front of the dcs either way.

So are you going to stop contact?

You are allowing them to go with a man who is a drunk, aggressive abuser. You know this to be true.

By continuing to allow them to go you are complicit in anything he does, do you realise that?

I know you are frightened of him, but what are you more frightened of? Him having a go at you or one of your children being badly hurt or abused even more than they already have?

Bogey he's not due to see them now for 4 weeks. In that time I can find out my rights and work out a plan. The last thing I want is to end up in court unprepared and him get free reign to do what he wants. I need to make sure I can protect them. I won't let them down anymore.