Should I tell him? Warning, long.

[McNamechangey]

Ok, so name changed... I need to know how I deal with an oblivious XH who thinks he is the best father in the world. Sorry for the mammoth post, don't want to drip feed anything.

XH started a new job working abroad this year. He used to live 5 hours drive away, and this job is now based 4 hours away, but with regular trips abroad (sometimes for months at a time). He used to see the dcs every other weekend. But since the new job in 5 months he has only seen them 5 times. He hasn't actually been flown out anywhere yet, he just doesn't come up to see them anymore, and cancelled the every other weekend arrangement. I now occasionally get a text midweek saying "can I see them this weekend?" and bend over backwards to accommodate this.

Technically our access arrangements are now a week at school holidays if he wants them and I have offered two weeks (one week at a time) over the summer and then sporadic weekends when he has time.

He wanted a fortnight over the summer. But dc3 is about to turn 4 and givens feel that is just too long for her.

All 3dcs have suffered various emotional issues due to his behaviour before the break up, the break up, and new home etc.

We used to live where he was (5 hours away) but when he started talking about changing jobs we moved back home to where we are now (since I had no support or family up there and we were only in the area for his work). This has of course now been rewritten as "he had to change jobs because I stole the children away". Which is not true.

He never phones the children, occasionally texts the eldest (maybe twice a month), and in all honesty their relationship was strained with him already. Dc1 (14) stated yesterday that he didn't care about seeing his dad that much since dad had clearly chosen his job over them and always would :( not even said with bitterness, just matter-of-fact. Dc2 (8) wet the bed for the first time in months on thursday night - the night after I'd told him he was seeing his dad this weekend. And dc3 (nearly 4) Who is usually so independent becomes a clingy wreck in the days after a visit.

I do not slag him off to them. I reassure them that he loves them more than his work. But they clearly hurt, whether it's from missing him, or the change in routine, or something else I don't know. They are in such a good place when he's not involved. All the stresses, nervous twitches, bed wetting, clinginess, insecurity, sadness, just disappears and they are normal happy kids. I just want them to have a normal, stable relationship with him.

So, XH is now insisting he wants them longer in the summer (has stated that if he goes for a week and a half abroad he can get cheaper flights), but I've already stated that a week is long enough. He sent me about 50 texts yesterday demanding his "rights". I've said over and over that he can have them for longer, just not all in one go. I would even stretch to him having them for half the holiday as long as that was in one week periods.

He has not said anything about being out of the country for the whole time, just that he wants from this date to this date, no others, only one visit, only one holiday and why can't I do what's best for the dcs and let them go.

I've also said that next summer with dc3 being older a longer break would be fine. I've said he can take the eldest for longer.

I don't really want to get into a discussion about whether a week is not long enough, I know my dc3 and I know it's too much right now.

I have never told him all the emotional problems his actions trigger. He was Emotionally and Sexually Abusive in our marriage, and there were times that the dcs were scared of him, but his anger was directed at me not them, so I don't believe he's abusing them. He is a careless and thoughtless man, but dc1 is always there and watches the younger two like a hawk (much as I hate the responsibility, it reassures me).

He wants to know why I'm being such a selfish bitch and denying him acces to his children who need him so. I have told him my reasons (dc3 too young, they need stability etc) offered other times, but I have a horrible feeling he's just going to take them and not bring them back.

Should I tell him what his dcs really think and how they really react to him? I never have because he'll just tell me I'm a nasty bitch trying to drive a wedge between them. I don't see the point. But he doesn't see the damage and he can't accept he's anything less than a perfect parent. He doesn't see that reduced contact is a lot when you're small.

I've gone down the route of explaining. That hasn't worked. I'm now at the point of saying "you've had my answer, stop contacting me about this", and am getting constant texts. If I don't reply he says it's because I know I'm wrong. I've started replying with a copy and paste of "this has been discussed, the answer is no". He carries on. It's like being married to him again :( I feel stressed and nervous. I'm tempted to say "sod it, take me to court", please help me keep my dcs safe and happy. I want them to see him and have a good relationship with him, but I won't see them hurt.

Jan I appreciate that you are trying to give an impartial point of view, but to do that you have made some horrendous assumptions. My children have never heard me argue with XH since the day we split. I have defended him to them when they have questioned his commitment, and have bowed down to every request for contact.

So no, it's not relevant.

You are victim blaming. Unfortunately EA is less of a one odd incident and more a slowly increasing, insidious part of a relationship. The sexual abuse did not occur in front of them.

I have had the children on hotter days and they have not burnt. It is very patronising to suggest that a father cannot care for his dcs as well as a mother. Of course they can.

If you had based your suppositions on information provided you may find it more helpful. A sensible suggestion could be that he hasn't realised the affect his absence has on the dcs and his actions are born of ignorance and not selfishness. That was a route you could have taken.

Yes, I should have left my XH years before I did. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Would you also say that I should never have tried to mend my marriage? That I should have walked away at the first hint of imperfection? Or would you also argue that working on a marriage is important and worthwhile. Sadly it didn't work out in my case, but again, There's that wonderful hindsight.

Hi Name According to what shes posted on other threads Jan thinks that women should stay in a marriage no matter what.I think thats what lies at the root at what shes posted on here. Im absolutely appalled at what shes written on your thread.
I am truly disgusted at the neglect your x showed the DC yesterday its abuse. I hope they are feeling a bit better Sunburn is dangerous and painful.

Isetan, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It doesn't sound a far cry from what I have, although XH started off with almost 50/50 contact, that he then asked to have reduced, and reduced and reduced again. He does pay maintenance though, although that was a battle and with it not being court ordered I do worry that next month will be the end of that.

Darkesteyes, thanks for the defence :) I do Loath victim blaming. Mainly because the victim is usually fighting so hard not to blame herself.

Lestew I will try to record what I can. I have all texts and emails. So hopefully that'll be something.

Darkest, a very odd angle to take, blame the victim for not leaving sooner because she left at all.

Can't see the logic meself.

No probs It sounds to me like you have bent over backwards McName and all hes interested in is trying to control you and continuing his abuse of you through the DC. That is not a good father. Its not even a father.

I'm still hoping that should a third party let him know that he's being unreasonable, that he'll be able to refocus on what is best for the dcs.

And yes I'm aware I still have mug written on my forehead (although it has faded quite a bit)

You are not a mug McName You are trying to manage a tough situation. Not easy with an abusive ex and a society which blames abuse victims.

Thanks darkest, I still surprise myself with how much i want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Not read the entire thread but one thing strikes me ... You are STILL engaging with this man. Why?! You need to STOP. All contact should be via email and should be solely regarding the kids. It should be sporadic, specific and none emotional. Why are you still playing text tennis with him? Making remarks that he should be re thinking his holiday destination etcetera. It's just keeping communication open with him that needs to be well and truly stopped.

This needs to go to court. They will then thrash it out and an order will be put in place that he will have to adhere to. And then there will be no more to into and fro ing and texting etc - as he will be more than clear on where he stands - as will you.

I know only too well how hard this stuff is, believe me. I'd be here all night if I was to describe what I went through. And that's why I know that the only thing you can do right now is to stop all communication bar the absolute bare minimum. To carry on like this is to give him power and control. And it's time you took that back

Shouty I couldn't agree more. In the past I have gotten drawn in time and time again because if the last word was him saying "you're being infair, do it this way", and I'd said no a hundred times already, he'd take my non reply as an admission of being wrong. He would then assume it was a yes, say nothing until very close to the date in question and then I would feel it was too late to change the plans he had made and would give in.

What I should have done was after the initial discussion (if needed) stated no and then not responded. If he made plans based on that I should have said "tough" and kept to my plans. I have disappointed friends with my cancellations, I have disappointed myself, and as understanding as everyone has been I haven't actually done what was best.

Had I put my foot down in the first place perhaps I would not now be in a place where he has such an effect.

I have now told him not to contact me except by email. I had previously told him not to phone me anymore (since he was nasty and then I'd have no record). So far nothing from him after asking for mediation. And I don't jump every time I get a text. It's already an improvement. But I know this is the calm before the storm.

Yes to formalized contact, but if there's any chance of getting a reasonable arrangement without going to court (there may not be), then keep out of court if you can. I mightn't have said the same thing a year ago, and there are many occasions when I've been grateful for my court order, but I've now run up huge bills because ex has dragged me back into court time and time again. Abusive men can and do use court as a weapon.

My experience is of judges trying to avoid fact-finding hearings (I understand their reasons) so it's all treated as if you're slinging allegations against each other. In all honesty, I'm not sure that the court would really get your argument that a week is fine, but a week and a half is not fine.

Sorry if that sounds discouraging - I do know how agonising it is when you're just trying to protect your dcs and all you want is for your exP to behave like a normal person. You might have to take the court route - sometimes it's all you can do. I keep asking myself whether I had any choice, but I don't think I had. Just go into it with your eyes open - court is expensive and wearing and a lot of the time it feels like nobody believes you or takes your concerns seriously.

Read that back and it's a bit offputting. Sorry. Just broke and battle-weary.

That's ok nickname. I'm under no illusions that court could easily grant more access in theory and ignore my worries, but either was some certainty would be nice. I'm hoping mediation would solve things, and that it wouldn't have to go any further than that.

In further news. He has been in touch. Having completely ignored me as per usual he has emailed to "inform" me that he has now booked 8 days in Spain.

I'm thinking there's no point in replying until after I've seen my solicitor next week. Any thoughts?

He has blatantly ignored my concerns, booked the dates before I have agreed them in an attempt to say "I've booked it now, I can't change it!"

*either way

McNameChangey: I can only respond to what you have written - you say when he was abusing you in the relationship the children were scared so I would reckon they must have been exposed to some of the unhealthy behaviours between you both, I'm not blaming you, I'm pointing out that the kids would know and will still know that you and him are very toxic towards each other. From what you have written he is asking to take them away for a week and a half but you are saying a week is the most he can have, sorry, but from his point of view, that does sound antagonistic. If you honestly think this man is so awful then why let him see them at all.

Sorry if I sound patronising but men will not think to put on suncream on kids every half an hour, it's been hitting 30 degrees this past week, he wouldn't have intentionally meant to burn them I'm sure, he's been feckless yes, hardly warrants a call to social services for neglect.

I'm not victim blaming, I commented on the fact that neither of you can be civil for the sake of your kids, that's what I deduced from your post.

I am sorry, I really don't mean to offend you and perhaps I did go a bit OTT but it's also because I am so tired of reading posts about point scoring, I'm sure you love your children very much but perhaps, even though to you it doesn't look that way, he loves them too. To me, this is more about trying to find a way forward so the children can see their dad and vice versa.

Darkesteyes: I would love you to show me the thread where I recommend staying in an awful marriage, would love to see it?

I also would appreciate you stop slandering me like this with what are in fact lies, whose victim blaming now???

Are these the days you already have plans for?

If so send a short email. Sorry those days are unacceptable because as previously discussed we already have plans booked. Let me know your new dates as soon as possible to avoid any further clashes.

If he replies simply repeat these days are unacceptable and I will not be responding to any further emails on this subject.

You are not being unreasonable to him in the slightest. You have been trying to sort dates for months.

That lets him know this is unacceptable now before you get to the solicitor.

Jan, you're still making assumptions. I am painfully civil. I have invited him to join birthday celebrations for the dcs.

Yes they were scared of his moods this is true. But that is not my fault or my doing.

I think a man can make sure that a red headed child stays out of the midday sun. I still think your comments on that are patronising to men. Yes we all make mistakes, but he is Consistent in his unwillingness to put the children first. There was an occasion at Christmas when he'd taken the children for a walk and dc3 (3) got wet. When he dropped them back (an hour late) she was in only a tshirt in freezing temps. This was not ok either. He'd "not thought" to get a dry pair from the overnight bag I had packed for them.

You have happily leapt to conclusions about us sniping at each other in front of the dcs, even after I've set you straight. So clearly my elaborating and explaining points to you doesn't register.

I cannot stop you posting, but if you do could you please address what I am asking and not go off on a tangent based on your own prejudices?

I am looking for ways to enable good, healthy access for the dcs. Access that will restrict XH's ability to cause me pain, and that will enrich the dcs' lives. I'm not sure your all or nothing approach is helpful. All I get from you is either he's a wonderful dad and should get all he asks for no matter what, or he's an evil monster who should be denied all access. Neither are true.

Sorry Xales, xpost. It's tricky because previously i had acquiesced on cancelling my own plans, I don't want to backtrack and appear indecisive. Does that make sense? I'm assuming he's panicking now his bullying tactics are failing, and he's desperately trying to regain control.

It's all so pathetic. Who cares who has the power? Can the dcs not just have it instead?!

I have to say that thinking men are brainless CHILDREN who need advising and a there, there pat on the back when they so something totally dumb is saying that yes we still are in the 15th century! This man has a very young child, if he cannot take care of them adequately in any temperature then how is he going to manage them in another foreign.

Jan take a look at exactly what you have written. Are you insane? The youngest is 4 years old.

I personally don't see any of the posts as point scoring. What I see is a mother who is terrified because she has a completely useless Exh and very dependent children. I would feel exactly the same way.

Jan it doesnt matter how you interpret the exh to be, it is the OP who is asking advice of her situation - not for you to give her a character review of the man - there is a reason why they are separated. Work it out.

OK that makes it more tricky.

No more cancelling your own plans from now on. It is not fair on your DC.

Don't bother replying until you have seen your solicitor. No point.

Formalised access with a little give and take on both sides (not complete piss take on his) is the way to go.

It is hard when you think you are doing things in the best interest of your DC to see their dad when their dad is too selfish to put them rather than himself first.

Good luck.

Has he got the relevant info - ie your dcs' passport numbers - to book the holiday? Might be a bluff because he knows you're against it.

That had crossed my mind, not sure if he has them or not, but it's possible.