Do I go alone?

[MissesBradleyCooper]

DP and I are supposed to be going to a nearby 5* hotel And spa today until tomorrow. It has been booked for weeks. We have two DC under 3, I work full time, and go to college 2 nights a week and i have not had a night off in months.
"D"P went out yesterday afternoon, came home drunk, admitted bed sniffed cocaine so couldn't sleep and then he went back out again. I've just phoned him and he's still drunk.
What do I do? My dad is due to pick the kids up in a couple of hours. Do I go to the hotel alone? Should I tell my dad? My dad will go nuts. DP has form for this kind of thing. We broke up for a year because of this kind of behaviour ffs.

Telling your father is likely to set things in motion for you and your partner to split up (which may well be a good thing) so bear that in mind if you do tell him.

You have split up before, and obviously decided to give your partner another chance, but he doesn't seem to have appreciated that, as he is back to the same behaviour. It seems he has no intention of changing, so you need to decide whether this is the environment you want to bring up your children in.

And if not, how will you go about a split? Do you need to plan, or can you just do it, now?

If I decide to split, I can do it straight away. We've only been back together a few months. We live in the house I moved into when we split up. The tenancy agreement is in my name. Prior to us getting back together, he lived with his mum.

I don't know what I'm going to do long term. DC1 (3yo) is suspected ASD. Myself and her school are currently gathering evidence to put forward in front of the educational psychologist. Breaking up now would break her. She doesn't like change. She's still asleep but I know she won't settle when she wakes up because her dad isn't here. DC2 is asking for him.

What a mess.

Go out for the day, give yourself a bit of space. Then maybe you will be able to gather your thoughts and you will enjoy some peace, hopefully.

It is a mess, but not one you've made.

Do you think that it will be beneficial for your 3yo to live in a house with an unpredictable person, given that she struggles if her routine is changed?

Do you want you DC to grow up thinking this is normal, not knowing when Daddy is coming home, and when he does, coming in absolutely wrecked?

Obviously, you need to manage the situation with the Ed Psych. But do you think her problems might just be downplayed, because she is coping with his behaviour? I don't know what her behaviours are, and am no expert in these things, anyway. But, are any of her behaviours possibly also explained by having an unreliable father? In which case, would it be better to get any split out of the way, and then, once he has less chance of disrupting her routine, set out the evidence.

You so clearly have your children's best interests at heart. He doesn't appear to.

To answer your question, I'd go - alone or with a friend. It'll give you thinking and planning space.

Sounds like telling your dad would give you support and is probably a good idea. If you're not ready for that can you just say there's been a change of plan, you're ok and will explain when you're back?

Definitely go. Sounds like you need some space for all sorts of reasons.

Your oh sounds like a waste of space who hasn't changed his pattern of behaviour since you last broke up... So you guys obviously aren't his priority. It sounds like you have family support so I'd try to use that to get through this immediate period.

Good luck.

I would go to the hotel alone so you can further think about things. Tell your dad what happened.

So what do you get out of this relationship now with this drunkard and drug user exactly?.

Of course you can split and you'd all be better off for doing so. You do not need such an unreliable man in your life but you need to really look at why you decided to take him back last time. Was it really out of fear of being on your own with two children?. You'd be better off alone than being badly accompanied. Being together with such a character could also break you, her and your other child too; he is chaotic so is neither a decent nor positive role model to be around.

Re your DD as well I would suggest you write further about her on the Special Needs; Children part of this website as the people on there could advise you further. What sort of evidence btw do you want to put in front of the EP; are you looking for further support re her additional educational needs?. I would also remind you that such people can only comment on additional educational needs, they cannot diagnose as they are not qualified to do so.

This man is sending y clear signals that his happiness and the things he wants far outstrip any feeling he has for you and his children. It WILL be hard for your dc's to lose him, but to grow up with a father sending out signals that you are second best and setting you up for relationships throughout your life with partners who do the same is not great either?
I would put his cones out on the front step, change the locks, and to to the hotel alone. He sounds like a prize fuckwit to me.

Cones? Clothes!

I took him back originally as I genuinely believed he had changed his ways. But this is the second time this has happened since we have been back together. Usually, we get on great, we have such a laugh, never argue. We were apart a year so getting back together wasn't because I was afraid to be alone. My dad and step mum commented how I thrived on my independence and now I see they were right.

Dad just text asking what time he should pick the DC. Not sure what to text back.

Re DD, the school (and I) believe that she will need extra support when she starts school full time as she struggles to cope. She saw a speech and language specialist the other day as her speech is nowhere near where it should be (it's currently on the same level as my 25mo). She struggles to communicate with people outside immediate family and gets frustrated and lashes out. Have seen GP regarding getting her referred to someone to get on the road to a diagnosis but his response was to see what happens with EdPsych first. My 11yo brother has just had a ASD diagnosis 4 years after my stepmum first took him to GP.

Haven't spoken to P since I first posted but just tracked his iPhone and its at his mums so I expect he's sleeping it off.

:(

I'd go, relax and have a good think.

This is already the second time and if you don't split now he's likely to do it more and more often.

Your DD will need to adjust to a break, so that more clear cut you can make it, the more quickly she'll be able to readjust.

Your dad is likely to ask questions, so just answer with the truth.

So why did you get back together, you thrived without him around the last time you split?!.

Well he clearly hasn't changed his ways has he. He likely told you last time what you so wanted to hear or believe. Such charming and dangerous lovers can be extremely charming and persuasive anyway particularly in such circumstances especially when they see that their victim is planning to walk (and last time you did walk). You need to walk away - and this time stay gone from his life. This relationship is destructive and is dragging you and the children down with him.

You probably never argue now as well because you on some level let him do what he wants without commenting overtly about it; the power and control in this relationship is all his. He thinks you're a right mug. So what do you get out of this; you think you can rescue and or save such a person who is inherently damaged, that you can somehow love him better by being nice to him?. No on all counts there and if you remain with such a person, the ones worse off by far will be you and your children. The damage to your overall self esteem and worth at his hands is incalculable.

Do not text your dad back, have a phone conversation with him instead. This is not a time to be texting each other, this is too serious a matter to be texting (which is a lazy form of communication anyway).

Re your DD I would see another GP and insist that your child is referred to a developmental paediatrician asap. This other GP gave you duff information and is just delaying unnecessarily. EP cannot diagnose but can make recommendations re additional educational needs. I would ask this person outright about getting her a statement from your LEA. Again I would advise you to post further about your DD on the Special Needs; Children part of this website if you have not already done so.

I think I'd go and give myself space to think. I'd probably say to you dad that H has just popped out, because telling your dad will just complicate things and I think you need to be resolute in your own mind first.
I'd go alone rather than with a friend ad you need to think.
When H comes down and realises you've gone it might give him a kick in the arse too.
Would your H call your parents if you'd gone "missing"? If so, you'd either need to tell H what you've done or tell your Dad...

Go alone. Or with a friend. Text the idiot that he might as well stay at his mum for now.

Speak to your Dad and tell him the truth of the situation. Don't lie to your dad; now more than every you need people you can rely on.

And get this twat of a partner out of your home asap. He needs to go back to his mother's as of now.

Go, and tell your dad. Keeping secrets just means that you are allowing your P to not face the consequences of his unacceptable behaviour. He is showing you clearly that he has not changed and that he feels he does not need to. You deserve to enjoy yourself, go and give yourself breathing space and time.

Yes, go on your own. Tell your dad and use the time to think clearly what you want.

Although, I get the feeling you already know what it is you want to do.

Just a few words: you said the C word- Cocaine. that I'm afraid would be be my red line. two DC's under 3 and Cocaine do not make a happy mix. some will disagree - to each his own.

Good luck

Can't believe I'm here again :( I'm 22 ffs.
I know I need to tell my dad. Just don't want the eye rolling and "I told you so".

With respect, you just need to swallow any eye rolling and comments and accept they were right. Sorry.

I think you should go, perhaps with a friend (if there is anyone who is likely to be able to drop everything and get to you).

Yes, tell your DF - ask him to spare you the "told you so" because you need a different kind of help now. I hope he can step up to the mark, practically and supportively.

Get some thinking time. You need to consider how you cope with DC's needs in the longer term as well as the immediate crisis. You are totally right to be considering the impact on her of another departure now. But is it going to be better to deal with that now and forge a new future?

I think if we are to split again, now is the time to do it. I am off work for the summer hols as of next week (I'm an LSO) so I will have plenty of time with her over the coming weeks to get us settled back into our old life without P before I go back to work.
My step mum just text to say she's seem my MIL in petrol station so knows what's going on.
Not Heard from p.

Although you may get eye rolling, at least you can say you gave it every shot for your kids sake.

he's the one who has chucked away his second chance to get it right.