How do you decide when to call it a day?

[GiveItYourBestShot]

Just that, really. I'm not very happy at the moment in my relationship, I know the internet isn't going to tell me what to do, but I wondered how other people weigh up the good and the bad.

When you spend more time thinking about leaving that thinking about staying

I realised I thought about breaking up nearly every day. At that point it's over.

When you know things are bad and they aren't going to change.

Some things are bad, not all things. But I suppose that's generally true unless you're in an abusive situation. Thanks all for thoughts.

Can you see yourself doing this in 10 years? If not, get out before its 10 years too late.

I remember the exact moment I looked at my exdh and realised I didn't love him.

I stayed for far too long after that, and ended up making mistakes I wish I'd never made.

I tend to think these days that as soon as you ask yourself the question "Do I love him?" the answer is "No".

I don't need to ask myself the question with my current dp. It would be like reminding myself to breathe.

Abusive relationships have good bits, as well!

I'm not very good at knowing I don't love someone. There were several moments when I looked and knew I didn't like him. Regrettably, I placed more value on loving him than liking him and what he did/said. I'd have been wiser to to realise I couldn't live happily with a person I dislike!

I realised that I'd lost respect for my ex. Still loved him but had to give myself the opportunity to be happy either by myself or with someone else. Knew I'd have 'settled' to have stayed

Hope you find peace

For me I know it's over when I feel 'apathy'. The point where I just don't care any more. I don't love them & I don't hate them but I wouldn't be that fussed if they disappeared and I never saw them again.

In all my past relationships I've had a period of "should I stay or should I go" for a while before finally leaving. It has varied in length but tends to hover around the 6 month mark. I have always found that something has happened to propel me into action, although it's usually something completely trivial rather than something important.

This is pretty depressing reading..

Have we become cynics and perhaps too wise to life. That our BS monitor so super sensitive we read past experiences into current ones.
There are times on here where the advice is -' if you are unhappy leave'. and there are times when we read, how P just decided he was unhappy and left and immediately the P is thrown onto the bon fire.

I personally miss switching off. not reading things into things into ...

"we read past experiences into current ones"

Isn't that just called 'learning'? We (mostly) start off naive about relationships, plunge into a few, get our corners knocked off a bit and, based on that experience, decide what we will and won't tolerate in future.

Being 'unhappy' is enough reason not to proceed and, whilst the end of any relationship isn't going to be pleasant, there are good ways of handling it and bad ways. If you're looking to make some man-hating 'viper' point that male P's get thrown onto bonfires, often it's because the P in question has handled it very badly.

I lost respect after many years.. things weren't moving on.. he seemed 'ugly' to me. We picked at each other over nothing. No fun anymore.. I got out before children etc. were involved. Best thing I ever did.. I'm married now.. love him more than the day I married him. I would never say anything to hurt him. We're great friends too. I think if you are not friends or treat your own friends better than him - it is over.

Corgito:

no intention to make any points. I dont belive 'vipers' exist. 'Hurt people Hurt' something I read a while back.

Still learning myself hence why I'm on MN. I got some great advice here and sometimes want to give back. human nature I suppose.

We all go through a phase of uncertainty and I guess my thought/question is when do we differentiate between those moments and when its truly over.

If we walked every time we had a wabble, we may as well just screw around and have fun until the next dull moment.

Ofmice: I think it comes back to knowing yourself. This can only come from experience; we have no knowledge of our responses in sexual relationships until we've had some! Sharing experience is also very helpful, ime.

I didn't understand how readily I love, so couldn't see that loving XH wasn't a good reason to plug away at the relationship.

I didn't know my 'like' radar is more finely tuned than the 'love' setting, so I need to pay close attention to its findings.

I didn't understand I was being abused or that I was conditioned to keep trying harder to please abusers, so I blamed myself for my unhappiness.

I've been conditioned not to expect secure happiness, and to mistrust it if found, so didn't realise my relationship wasn't good enough for me.

So, yes, you will see me saying relationships shouldn't be hard work - and that happiness is not a right, but we all have the right to walk away from unhappiness. I also encourage others to 'listen' for their gut reactions, to look for evidence that they're 'being' loved as well as hearing and feeling love, and to seek benchmarks for good relationships.

Six months of doubt, fear, dullness, anxiety, revulsion, contempt, mistrust, disappointment, loneliness or eggshell-walking is approximately four months too long. Even if there are external reasons for the misery, a relationship which cannot negotiate successful coping strategies is not a good one imo.

Thankyou, lovely posters. Lots to think about.

A day has been called. I am very

Do you want to talk about it BestShot?

Clicked as I'm where you were a month ago; have been for a long time. Unfortunately I want to call it a day on my whole family

Good question, good reading.

When I saw other happy looking couples and my heart grew so heavy that I thought I was going to choke;
When I realised that if I stayed, I would have to settle for what I had and that it would likely only get worse;
When we started saying the cruellest vilest things to each other deliberately to hurt. I did not want to be that person.

I hope things resolve themselves for you GiveIt. Try to sleep well after reading all this. I am happy now as is he but it took time.

Sorry you're in the same boat, Daisy. We've just had a holiday together and it's been awful, tonight he sulked after I spoke back to him and I just thought, I don't want to do this any more - that's a big red flag for me after a bad previous relationship. But I will miss him so much, mostly he was big and kind and funny. But it wasn't right. and now he's gone.

Thanks, mignoette...it is too late for happy endings, he is packed and gone. Thinking it is for the best but wobbly.

Perhaps you can salvage a friendship out of it? Do you have children together? this always makes things much much much harder.

My DH is, and always has been, my soulmate and wherever we are in life I imagine we would always be close. But, children, debts, illness, have changes us and the longer it goes on, the more the resentment builds. Of course we don't ever talk about it as that would be to give a name to our feelings re how our children especially have changed things (and for me how my relationship with my DC1 is going from bad to worse). It's our elephant in the room. I don't know how to make it better, or how to brach the subject, other than repeating as nauseaum that I am at the end of my tether. He replies so is he, but no real help on how to make it better.

Can you get away for a few days, so you are not dealing with the half empty house? It might also give you a bit of perspective?