How do I forgive and move on

[FantinesDream]

DH is a procrastinator and never forward plans anything, I like to plan things in advance and here lies our problem

When we met, it took him 5 years to agree to marry me (after several years of me asking him and being told, he loved me but didnt know if he wanted to). Before we actually got married I specifically sat him down and told him that it was most important to me that we aimed for 2 kids and that if he wasnt of similar thoughts then to tell me then

So we married and managed to get one child, in the ten years since, dh lost his dad to cancer, then mine got diagnosed with cancer, and died 5 years later, and both of us were made redundant that same year, both managed to get re-employed. I have suffered from various mental issues such as ocd over the years (for which I have seen many experts) and I believe DH has suffered from mild depression (he saw one Dr, refused Anti'D's and ignored their advice)

So we are here, with only one child, Im close to 43 and looking at a potential family inheritance of early menopause. We have already spent 6 months at relate who felt we were pretty strong as a couple but failed to help us overcome the white elephant in the room. Im so broody it physically hurts, I see pregnant women and mums of two everywhere and permantly feel close to tears. DH is adimant that although he would in a perfect world have liked two (closer in age), but at the time he couldnt see the wood for the trees, and that now Im too old, our child is too old, he's too old, we dont have enough money etc

So how do I forgive him not talking to me at the time when I was younger to tell me how he felt when we could have had a rational discussion and both made joint decisions, instead of blaming my OCD problems for which I spent hours discussing in my counselling. He does have other instances of making decisions which effect the family without informing me first but knows now I will not put up with that again

Thanks Natasha, I suspect thats another reason he is against it, especially now. I know he worried the first time around

Its just to hard to move on from this

Have to agree with Natasha, I think there have been very valid reasons why the time hasn't been right. That's the way life goes, sometimes. I don't think it was a deliberate act on his part and he may partly have been concerned for your mental well being by not wanting to add another baby into the mix.

Can you not be content with your lovely family of three?

I do agree with the others that it seems that it's been more down to things that have happened in your lives than him conspiring to only have one child - can't you be content with your family as it is?

Pressed post too soon, I meant to add that I don't think there's anything to 'forgive' as such, because I don't think it sounds like your DH has purposefully done anything wrong, but you need to find a way of coming to terms with having just one child, it's not as though he said you'd have children and then changed his mind entirely

Thanks, its helpful to hear others opinions, as when you are in the middle its hard to see the wood for the trees. I can see what you mean JBF that he probably worried about that too

I'm trying to be content with what I already have (and know there are others out there who would love what I do have) but that bloody broody stick, I hate it

Fostering?

I agree with everyone else - it doesn't sound like he change his mind. Life just didn't pan out the way you had planned. I suspect it's easier to be angry at him rather than having to face the reality of there being nobody to blame and just having to get on with the life you have. Acceptance can be very hard indeed.

Have you discussed alternatives, like adopting an older child?

Thanks again, its not the having any child I want tho, its my biological offsping, I have this fixation on my DNA being continued and whilst I understand there is no guarantee however many offspring you can have that they will want to reproduce, I just have this obsession in my head

And Squitten sadly I think you are right. It is definately easier to be angry at him than face life sucks at times, especially as I have a life plan and none of it has happened the way I wanted it. I guess I need to come to terms with that and that its not anyones fault

I never quite understand why some people have this fixation about their DNA or genes being carried on. As you say, there is no guarantee. But you have had one child. Be very different if you'd tried and tried and failed to have any children. You have one. Many people who would love one can't have one. You need to find a way to be at least content, if not happy, with what you have. I actually think counselling may be a good mood because it sounds like more than just being broody to me.

You have to think that even if you'd been trying all these years, it may not have happened. I had DD1 at 29, DD2 at 32, both times got pregnant extremely easily. Tried for number 3, never happened, eventually went for IUI then private IVF which only resulted in a late and traumatic miscarriage.

It's a really hard thing to get past. I completely understand the emptiness of desperately wanting more and knowing it realistically isn't going to happen (I'm 46 now). But it's no good blaming because you have no way of knowing how things would have been even in different circumstances.

I've tried to count my blessings; I have two lovely teens - instead of dwelling on the family of 4 DH and I both wanted. It's certainly true that my two would have had less attention and finances with more, and that will be true for your child too. Our girls will be independent sooner and although that's scary I'm starting to see that there will be silver lings too, money we can spend on ourselves, things we can do together we enjoyed before we were parents. I also got a puppy after the miscarriage; she's now a lovely, loyal (and rather spoilt) 3 year old dog and she has helped fill that chasm a little.

I do hope you can make peace with it, more or less. But try not to let it come between you and your DH.

Thanks again. Its been a long weekend of argueing, discussing and blaming.

He has now admitted that several times he came close to changing his mind but something would happen and he would change his mind back again. He has inferred that this was my fault each time and when I challenged him, he didnt say it wasnt

He wants me to get over this, but doesnt seem to know or care how nor does he seem to want to put any effort in.

Rightly or wrongly I feel very abandoned by him

Did you listen to him when he said he did not want to get married?

Sadly not as much as I should have.

Looking back, I should have listened and walked away, but being young and stupid and out of a previously abusive relationship, I guess i ignored things I shouldnt have like that

I honestly dont think you can argue your way to a second child.

You sound selfish to bring another child, a living being, into the world, at gunpoint, as it were.

I think you need to accept that life did not intend for you to have more than one child, and move on. Try create a happy family life for the child you do have, rather than pester for more.

Thing is, its gone past trying to argue for one, its trying to make him understand how upset I am and how little he is bothered by my upset.

I feel more alone these days than when I was actually alone. He's not bothered by my life, and seems to think a kiss and a cuddle will make up for years of ignoring me

You need to let it go. It is not his fault all these life events came in the way!

I would have loved a third child, but this and that happened, and it was no longer feasible, I cannot blame my husband for that!

You are not coming across very well. First you badger your partner into marriage. Then serious life events come in the way for a plan you made when young to have two kids. And you go off all ranty and argumentative.

Seriously, can you address this with your therapist? Seems like you have some issues relating to things not going according to your wishes.

Fantine - sorry, but I agree with Quint, you aren't coming across well now. I suggested earlier than perhaps your admitted mental health issues may have been a factor for your husband. And think it even more now. I suspect this may well have been what you were picking up on when you say he inferred it was your fault that he "changed his mind".

Based on what you yourself have told us, I think your husband has done the right thing all the way down the line. You seem to be blaming him for being sensible and I do not for the life of me understand how his behaviour equates to abandoning you.

Ok, not a lot I can say in response to that then

Is there more to this, op?

Do you feel generally that you don't get heard ?

Frequently sadly.

DH has made a few major decisions along the way without taking my opinion into consideration. One of which relocated me away from my friends, my outside interests and my job. I never really recovered from that, still have no friends, very few outside interests and have only recently made enough inroads into getting back into a job I love, although now he is currently up for a job that isnt local, but has been told that this time I will not relocate myself or our child who is very happy at their school for him and he will either have to find a flat or not do it. The rewards last time were not worth it. I got our child but he continued the single life of new friends, sports etc and it even took a few years before he understood we were a family and he needed to pool the family money rather than expect me to live off credit cards - in this respect he is a lot better but is still rather obsessed with money or rather the lack of it, when he isnt exactly on minimum wage

"You got what you wanted" when he married you and "gave" you a child.

You had to give up much to get it.

The language you are using makes your relationship sound very transactional and like there isn't very much true affection in it at all. He doesn't sound like a good bloke (manipulative), and you sound trapped and like you have always had to scheme to get given an equal status in the family.

It all sounds a horrible mess, and your resentment is only likely to get worse. Would he consider counselling with you ?

No excuse whatsoever. I would have another child - with or without his genes (if you know what I mean). I have also become genes obssessed since I turned 35... I am now 39 in a couple of months and planning at least one more child, 2 ideally (in addition to my current two children). Can't blame you at all! And you should not put up with the situation!

Getting confused, now OP. Originally you said "DH is a procrastinator and never forward plans anything, I like to plan things in advance and here lies our problem".

Now you tell us "DH has made a few major decisions along the way without taking my opinion into consideration. One of which relocated me away from my friends, my outside interests and my job."

Doesn't sound like a procrastinator to me.

Val - just because you have become genes obsessed doesn't mean you HAVE to go forth and multiply further, regardless of any other factors. I'd like to go on a round the world cruise. I don't have the finance to do it. So I don't.

I've never understood this need to breed to continue your DNA. It's extremely arrogant.