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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think there is something wrong with me.

29 replies

suchawimp · 03/07/2013 19:52

I did something wrong at work and have to tell my manager tomorrow. I feel sick and am shaking and going hot and cold - I just can't seem to deal with stuff like this. It just makes me feel small and useless.

I don't know what she will say but it won't be nice. I hate being told off and really hate confrontation and raised voices. I don't know why and it is pathetic I know.

Is there a way to toughen up and get over this sort of thing?

OP posts:
SuckAtRelationships · 03/07/2013 20:16

Therapy. CBT might be great for you. I have found it enormously helpful!

Original poster
suchawimp · 03/07/2013 20:25

I had 4 counselling sessions a few years back but they didn't do much really - I'm not as shy around strangers though.

Really stressed about tomorrow. It feels like an actual fear response.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/07/2013 20:27

Rehearse, practise, prepare... Write down what you want to say, practise saying it, anticipate some different responses and think of answers for those. If voices get raised have something ready for that... e.g. 'there's no need to raise your voice'. Maybe even pretend you're one of the boardroom candidates in 'The Apprentice' and get your retaliation in first! :) I don't think anyone likes being told off but the fear of confrontation is often worse than the actual event. Good luck

SpicedGingerTea · 03/07/2013 20:28

Sounds like classic anxiety to me. I used to feel like this years ago, almost to the point where I didn't feel I could talk at work.

Have you been to see your GP?

Whatwouldyousay · 03/07/2013 20:29

How bad was what you did? What's the worst that can happen? Maybe if you can come to terms (in your mind) with the worst case scenario it will help you deal with the confrontation.

DeckSwabber · 03/07/2013 20:29

Confrontation and raised voices? If you tell the truth without waiting to be 'found out' and accept responsibility, there is no need for that.

Does your boss raise his/her voice a lot?

SuckAtRelationships · 03/07/2013 20:30

write down what you are feeling/the emotion, write down the negative thoughts (Maybe you are predicting what bad things will happen for exampl), write down the evidence for and against these thoughts, write down realistic ways of looking at the situation. Take as long to go through this thought process as you need and keep reminding yourself of the 'realistic ways to look at it' (ie yes she will be angry but I will not be losing my job and I will make sure not to make this mistake again etc)

ofmiceandmen · 03/07/2013 20:34

Not entirely sure how bad it gets but the best thing to do is own up to it (mia culpa) and either come in with solutions that you are willing to implement or when that is not an option I would ask the question- ".. what can I do to make this right".

In fact I would call her now and discuss it. "Hi ..., realised I made an error, and wanted you to know" followed by the above line.

That way you will hopefully deal with your feeling of uselessness because although you may have created the problem you will certainly be part of the solution.

Hope that helps.

Peacocklady · 03/07/2013 20:34

It may not be as bad as you imagine, especially as you have been completely upfront. If your manager is angry they're a bad manager, are you sure that's how they'll respond? What happened? Just going through it here might help. Can you tell another colleague at work?

I'm a worrier and like to get everything right, things can get very blown out of proportion and I'll start to obsess, it really helps to talk it through. It will blow over.

Boosterseat · 03/07/2013 20:35

Is there a supportive HR department? If you feel anxious then perhaps you can speak with them beforehand and ask for an impartial party to be present?

You are taking responsibility for your actions, that's wonderful I wish my team members would be so honest instead of sending me on a wild goose chase to find out what went wrong.

CreatureRetorts · 03/07/2013 20:37

What happened?
Stick to the facts and can you come up with a way of how to fix it?

Vivacia · 03/07/2013 20:39

I get this too. The sense of shame, the anxiety and the dislike of raised voices. Is there some "parent child" dynamic going on? That's how it has been explained to me. I also prepare if possible, and decide what would be an acceptable response, what wouldn't be, and how I would respond to the latter.

Lweji · 03/07/2013 20:39

Go in with a solution.

Pylon · 03/07/2013 20:54

Agree with creature, Can you provide a solution as well as explaining what went wrong? That was you are taking responsibility both for the mistake and the solution, makes a big difference IMO.

Don't be scared about it, your manager may have a different role, but she's a person, same as you. Talk to her in a calm, adult to adult way and see how it goes.

Original poster
suchawimp · 03/07/2013 21:03

I can sort of give a solution - something has been missed so it is a timing thing. It can still be done but it is late. And people will know.

I can't think straight I am that scared.

OP posts:
CreatureRetorts · 03/07/2013 21:23

Well theres your solution. Apologise, say that you've missed it and you will do it ASAP (or you're doing it).

DrHolmes · 03/07/2013 21:27

People make mistakes. We are not robots. Just say "human error" explain it will be done but it will be late. It's not like you are happy it's happened. Stuff like that. If she raises her voice/gets arsy I'd say something like "do not speak to me in that tone. I am here, telling you so we can sort it out.

I am a worrier so I know what you feel but just try to be strong.
She will have made mistakes in the past.

ModreB · 03/07/2013 22:22

As a manger of several staff, I would much prefer someone to tell me early on that there was a problem. It's much easier to sort out a problem early, than if it is left and gets more complicated.

Everyone makes mistakes, and the best staff admit them early so that they can be sorted out. Good luck, and don't put up with any shouting. Its not helpful.

WafflyVersatile · 03/07/2013 22:26

And the best managers do not lose their temper or behave unreasonably or childishly. They know everyone makes mistakes including them.

Cherriesarelovely · 03/07/2013 22:40

I used to feel exactly like you, I know how horrible it feels. You're not a wimp, not at all, but you are definitely blowing this out of proportion. You've just said that although something has been missed it CAN be done and sorted. Think about what you are going to say "I've made a mistake, I'm very sorry, I've missed the deadline for xxxxx. I wanted to tell you asap and to let you know that I will be working to make it right". Then imagine that even though it will be awkward for a bit your life is unlikely to change that much...it will be ok.

I now work with a truly inspirational boss and one of the most lovely things about her is that she willingly admits that she occasionally makes mistakes. She never tries to deflect attention from them, she admits to them, apologises and finds solutions. We are all human, we ALL make mistakes.

I wish you the very best of luck. Once you've told her/him that will be the worst bit over.

Pylon · 04/07/2013 06:06

Hope you had a decent night sleep and it goes well today. Try not to worry about other people knowing, as has been said, we all, all of us, make mistakes. If your manager reacts badly, that about her, not you. Hope she acts like a good manager would though; you are doing the right thing. Keep strong Smile

Original poster
suchawimp · 04/07/2013 18:31

I hardly slept at all! I felt so sick all the way into work and wanted to turn around and run. Of course today the office seemed to be full of people so I was even more scared.

She basically said she was really disappointed in my and that if there was any come back then I was on my own. Got to talk to her and the next manager up on Monday.

OP posts:
GiveItYourBestShot · 04/07/2013 18:33

She's your manager, I don't think she can say you're on your own. She's responsible for her team at the end of the day.

MadBusLady · 04/07/2013 18:38

You sound like you've got chronic anxiety. All the good advice in the world about dealing with these things won't work without addressing this background problem. It depends on the severity, but people can certainly get medication prescribed just as for depression so counselling is not the only option.

Also, depends on the mistake but your manager sounds rubbish. Did she give you any kind of plan for rectifying/avoiding in the future?

Floggingmolly · 04/07/2013 18:39

If there's any come back you're on your own
Not a chance, that's why she's paid extra to be the manager...
She sounds a shite manager; refusing to support you and being confrontational and shouty is so unprofessional.
Good good Flowers