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Original poster

Dp gone cold on me because my de was upset

55 replies

CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:38

We have been together 3 months, everything going well and we are quite serious about each other He is the first partner I have ever introduced to ds who is 6 but he is having a hard time coming to terms as he has never seen me with a boyfriend before, tonight ds was quite clingy and emotional, after he went to bed dp was acting odd, cold and distant, when I questioned him he said it was because he was worried about ds being upset, I'm pissed off because I don't need him going all cold on me I need him to be understanding and supportive How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:39

Sorry for lack of paragraphs I'm on phone in bed. Pissed off

OP posts:
ecuse · 03/07/2013 00:42

Are you sure he's not just worried and upset like he says he is?

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:43

Dp has 3 kids of his own so I'm shocked he wasn't more understanding

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Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:44

Why go cold on me though? It feels like he was sulking

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Bant · 03/07/2013 00:44

He may be thinking that you're going to dump him because your DS doesn't like him.

Getting involved with a woman with children has it's own pitfalls and joys, maybe he was assuming that things would be great, or at least okay. He's probably been thinking about The Introduction for 3 months, and now it's happened and obviously DS isn't happy. He's going to be thrown by that.

Talk about it - tell him that wasn't what you hoped, but can the two of you work out how to get DS happier between you?

I know you need him to be understanding and supportive - but probably so does he. So do it to each other.

McBalls · 03/07/2013 00:45

Sounds like he was feeling pensive, not an unreasonable reaction to the idea that his presence was causing a 6yo to be upset.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:45

And why not just talk to me if he was worried why start acting odd

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MollyMollyMolly · 03/07/2013 00:48

Talk to him.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:50

Doesn't know what to say to me

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:51

I tried to talk to him, he said he doesn't know what to say

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McBalls · 03/07/2013 00:53

Well you're only 3 months in, you're still finding out who he is. And this is who he is...someone who goes cold when stressed/upset/defensive/ uncomfortable/tired -delete as appropriate.
I know you think you know him but you don't fully, and maybe his way of dealing with things doesn't sit comfortably with you.
Maybe pull back on the meeting kids stuff? Go back to getting to know each other properly.

MollyMollyMolly · 03/07/2013 00:53

When did you actually introduce them.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 01:03

I introduced them about a month ago, I have had my concerns that it was to early but this is all new to me I've not been in a relationship for a long time

Ds has been fine until this week, his dad was supposed to have him for the weekend but let him down and he has been upset ever since, Dp going cold on me has added to my stress and I'm not dealing with it very well

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MollyMollyMolly · 03/07/2013 01:03

How much does he see his own children? If he spends a lot of time with them then I would think think he is genuine in what he has said to you but if he doesn't see his kids much then maybe hes not really interested in being in a relationship where there are problems with the child liking him. Three months is a very short time to be in a relationship and you are still getting to know each other and have been in the early stage where you are on your best behaviour. Maybe you are starting to see the real him and after tonight he might be seeing the real you.

MollyMollyMolly · 03/07/2013 01:06

But whatever you feel at the moment if I were you I would just say nothing and leave him to contact you when he is ready.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 01:09

He sees his children ever week end they have met 3 or 4 of his previous girlfriends and been introduced to them quite early, I've always been a bit Hmm about this, I knew I should have waited a bit longer before I let my ds meet him

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Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 01:10

He is staying the night and is asleep right now

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Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 01:13

Last week we had a row because I tried to talk to him about my concerns with ds and told him I though t I had introduced him to soon, he thought I was trying to break up with him and sulked for a week

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MollyMollyMolly · 03/07/2013 01:21

O well if he sulked and if hes still there with you tonight then things don't look too bad then do they Smile. What about not questioning him and just trying to be a bit more relaxed and laid back about things for now and take it a bit slower.

wannaBe · 03/07/2013 01:42

Ok firstly any relationship that involves children is an absolute minefield, because there are so many variables that there is no one rule fits all approach.

But, even if you do have children getting involved with someone else who also has them brings with it its own issues and concerns.

You said that you were concerned about your ds last week , why was this? Could it be that you?re projecting your own concerns about your ds on to your ds which in turn is making him anxious which in turn is leaving your dp feeling rejected? Remember he has come into your life and is basically the one who has to gain acceptance. And non acceptance by your ds could well spell the end of the relationship. You say he has had several previous girlfriends,, what happened with those relationships? Could it have something to do with their children perhaps hence his current anxiety?

The only way to move forward in relationships is through communication. But different people deal with situations differently, and the only way you can get past that is to talk about them. He may not sulk ordinarily, but it may be that past experience has led to his being cold when reacting to certain situations, but you can only establish that by talking to him and reassuring him if necessary. And he is not wrong to want some reassurance if it appears your ds isn?t happy with him being in the background. Who would be? It?s often the one area in a relationship where the incoming partner is powerless to influence anything because essentially, the children hold the keys to the future if they decide they don?t like him.

hesterton · 03/07/2013 05:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 03/07/2013 06:31

The sulking seems like a fairly common reaction for him. Coupled with saying he 'doesn't know what to say' it sounds like (at best) he is somewhat immature about managing relationships and (at worst) like he is testing you to see how much you'll put up with and still be prepared to pander to his ego.

I agree with hesterton, this sounds like hard work. He sounds very needy and I'm not sure you have the bandwidth for this.

Hissy · 03/07/2013 07:59

You introduced your BOYFRIEND after 8 weeks?

He's staying over at 3 months?

He's sulking? Unsupportive?

1: you have been ridiculously naïve. Reckless even.

2: he's not a good man, you didn't know this when you introduced him to your child, but now you're seeing it. You now stop this ridiculous situation. NOW.

I was going to say 'No more sleepovers for at least another 3-4 months.' but that only applies if that person IS actually worth it, I don't think your boyfriend is.

Tbh, you need to bin him. He's a turd that'll never polish into anything. If he stops talking, goes cold, he's trying to manipulate you.

He's like this now? It will only get worse .

The only chance you have of regaining power here is to make your son the priority, state clearly that you won't tolerate silent/cold treatment for any reason and perhaps he needs to go off and consider what he wants, because you and your son deserve someone that is understanding and supportive.

Why is this bloke on his own? What is his relationship like with his Ex?

Fenton · 03/07/2013 08:03

He sounds too much like hard work at such an early stage.

LemonPeculiarJones · 03/07/2013 08:09

Completely agree with Hissy. The sulking is a red flag.

Sounds like you know you tried to assimilate him into your DS's life far too soon - and these are the consequences.

Maybe your DS's instincts are also making him feel uncomfortable about this man being in your lives.

Please dump him. It'll get worse.