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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp gone cold on me because my de was upset

55 replies

CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 00:38

We have been together 3 months, everything going well and we are quite serious about each other He is the first partner I have ever introduced to ds who is 6 but he is having a hard time coming to terms as he has never seen me with a boyfriend before, tonight ds was quite clingy and emotional, after he went to bed dp was acting odd, cold and distant, when I questioned him he said it was because he was worried about ds being upset, I'm pissed off because I don't need him going all cold on me I need him to be understanding and supportive How do I deal with this? Am I wrong to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
MalcolmTuckersMum · 03/07/2013 08:10

100% what Hissy said. Also - I'm struck by "they have met 3 or 4 of his previous girlfriends and been introduced to them quite early". How many relationships is this guy going through and more importantly - WHY? Something wrong here - impossible to say what but all your alarm bells should be ringing and ringing very loudly!

ratbagcatbag · 03/07/2013 08:12

Hmmm, the fact that his kids have met three to four ex girlfriends and the there is the mother of his children means you are relationship number five or six!?!? That seems a lot unless his kids are in their twenties.

Get rid of him, he wants you to pander to him.

LIZS · 03/07/2013 08:15

Sounds like he doesn't want to compete for your attention. I don't think it matters whether it was too soon , they simply aren't going to get along if he behaves like this and resentment on both sides will build up. Perhaps better to know this sooner than later.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 08:47

I think I blew things out of proportion last night and it was all because he didn't initiate sex when we went to bed, I took it as rejection, when actually he was still being very loving and affectionate, but in my head I saw it as cold and distant, I have a phobia of rejection and I don't really deal with relationships very well, he is not a good communicator and buries his head in the sand, we agree that we have moved to fast and it's time to take a step back. He is not a bad person and i need to chill out a bit as I do thing I am projecting my stresses on ds

OP posts:
Isetan · 03/07/2013 08:51

Your son has been let down by his father and the home he has shared with just him and his mother has now been invaded by some man. His current behaviour in the light of the above circumstances, is not only to be expected but understandable.

As for not knowing when to introduce your son to your new man, you could have looked through Mumsnet or posted the question yourself, you didn't know is at best naive Blush or at worst, a lie Angry. Any man, including the current one, should earn the honour of meeting your son and not have it bestowed without thought. One of the reasons you should wait at least six months, preferably longer, to introduce new partners to children is that it give you the opportunity to get to know the person and for their best behaviour (we all project when in new relationships) to wear off.

Your DS is acting out because he is upset and confused and articulating that in words at his age is very difficult, if not impossible. Your new man is acting out because a) he is confused or upset or b) a dick, either way articulating that in words at his age is a prerequisite of him being in a relationship with you.

You need to stop the sleepovers and conduct your relationship with this man away from your son. New man needs to start expressing himself verbally (you are not a mind reader) or go, life is too short and your son too important for this nonsense.

New relationships when you are a LP take longer to establish and are difficult because you have to factor in the sometimes conflicting needs and wants of children.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 08:55

Thankyou for the advice, im not going to bin him as i do think he us worth the effort, looking back to last night I was being very childish, he didn't do anything wrong othenouns I thinking he was genuinely worried about my ds

Wannabe your advice was stop on

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 03/07/2013 08:56

So suddenly it's all your fault? WTF?

Isetan · 03/07/2013 09:02

You have translated not initiating sex as cold and distant because you have a rejection phobia. However, you couldn't understand your sons understandable change in behaviour considering the circumstances Confused.

You are not ready for a relationship and your son is definitely not ready for any relationship that you are in. Go see a counsellor and work through your issues because its not fair to expose your son to this.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:04

And yep I am a massive cock for introducing him to ds too early

OP posts:
Ashoething · 03/07/2013 09:04

You introduced your new boyfriend to your ds after a mere 2 months and allow him to sleep overShock No wonder your ds is having emotional problems. Sounds like his father is not the only parent who is letting him down.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:07

Not sure were I said I didn't understand my ds being upset, of course I understand

OP posts:
GoshAnneGorilla · 03/07/2013 09:10

He's not a dp, he's a boyfriend.

Also, I'm bit worried you've decided it's all your fault. Anyone who responds to a situation by sulking, is far from blameless.

I would be thinking very carefully about this situation OP.

And please, please do not stay with him just because it is hard to meet someone decent. You and your ds are worth more.

LemonPeculiarJones · 03/07/2013 09:13

Don't put him before your DS.

Your DS would benefit from you slowing this down and stopping the sleepovers for a good few months.

Isetan · 03/07/2013 09:18

The problem OP is that your phobia will either turn any perceived slight into a massive drama and create an atmosphere (hence your OP) or drive you clinging to the ankles of this man (leaving you and your son susceptible to abuse), a situation that is not healthy for any of you.

STEP BACK! I'm not saying break up with him (cos you won't) but you're not ready and you rushing and exposing your son to this. is evidence that mentally you are not where you need to be.

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:24

Isetan you are right and I am stepping back

I've been an idiot and made a very bad error, I'm trying to rectify this, I've been single for a l

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:25

Oh ffs can't type on this stoopid phone

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:26

I've been single for a long time, I got carried away and swept up in meeting someone who I actually like for the first time in years

OP posts:
Isetan · 03/07/2013 09:28

Considering your rejection issues and being a LP, why are you rushing this?

Onesleeptillwembley · 03/07/2013 09:31

This is a good example of why you shouldn't introduce so early. You dont even know the person. But I guess you won't accept that. Next time put your child first.

Isetan · 03/07/2013 09:34

I'm worried you saying you are stepping back in reality means keeping your mouth shut, cos that isn't stepping back.

What does stepping back mean to you? Can you articulate it, is there a plan?

Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:37

Is nobody reading my posts were I have accepted I've made an error and will be stepping back? Or does it makes you feel big a clever to still post how bad a parent I am? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:39

Stepping back: no more staying over while ds is here, back to basic dating and getting to know each other

OP posts:
Original poster
CorrStagnitto · 03/07/2013 09:44

Ds was not ment to be here last night, he was staying at my parents house because me and bf had been to the cinema, but he was upset and wanted to come home hence him being here while bf stayed it wasn't a good situation and I've handled this very badly, I'm going now because I came for advice to to be made to feel like shit because I already feel bad enough

Should have know though, I've been on mn for 7 years and this is the reason I don't post anymore

OP posts:
OnTheNingNangNong · 03/07/2013 09:56

If you want to go that's fine, but take care of your son first and foremost, he's been upset because his father couldn't see him- thats horrible for a child to deal with.

People are being honest, not nasty.

Isetan · 03/07/2013 10:00

You have acknowledged it was a mistake but do you understand why it was a mistake? I understand why you are going on the defensive, no one likes being called out on their flawed actions. In the 6 years I have been a parent I have made 100s of parental errors and I'm definitely gonna make a whole lot more. For me part of the acknowledgement process is understanding why and what it is about me or my situation which let to it.

We all have weak spots, those areas of our beings where the fault lines run very deep and which leave us vulnerable. One of my weak spots is my upbringing (abusive mum, absent dad). Consciously, I'm over it moved on a looong time ago, subconsciously, it kept me in a ill-fated relationship for far too long because I went looking for parental approval and affection in the arms of someone who had his own issues and inadequacies.

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