Is this just being friendly? I can't tell

[Marmaladetoast]

I'm a regular poster but have nc as I don't want to put myself and I'll try to be brief!

I had a dp about 10 years ago, we adored each other from mpov he was the one, together for 2 years, he was seconded abroad for 6 months, I stayed in my job, he did another 6, we kept the relationship working as an LTR mainly as he flew back and forth a lot for work. I struggled with the whole LTR thing, and we decided to stop as he didnt know when he would be back and tbh I was fed up with it.

I met someone else, and fell in love with him, very quickly. We got married very quickly and have 2 dc.

We have not been in touch except for maybe one or twice a year. However last year he began to email and text a few times with banter which I replied to a couple of times then stopped as I thought it was inappropriate. Nothing but in jokes between us, but still. We occasionally email each other. He wrote recently and wants to meet me.

I really want to meet with him. I have problems with dh and have been advised on this board he is an arse and workaholic and I should ltb. I haven't and have plugged away.

Dh won't change and we haven't been getting on for a long time, maybe 4 years as he is always at work, out with friends or watching the tv and not coming to bed. I keep trying to talk about it for a year now and he seems to just work harder and more hours - I do everything for the dc alone, he has never even put them to bed or given them a bath. I could cope with that if I thought he liked me:(

We never go out- he is too tired and wants to save money. He has recently been moaning I have to work, and I will now the dc are at school, but he expects me to still do all the housework and look after the dc alone and at weekends- he now has extra work he took on at weekends which I have to suck up as he " does it for the family"

My dm says he is lovely and such a hard worker, but she sees a bonus in a dh who just earns the money and is never there/ doesn't help/doesn't get involved. I am tired of it.

It's not brief is it?:)

It doesn't matter whether the other guy is being friendly or not, if you don't want to be with your husband, leave, before you get involved with anyone else.

I don't want to leave my dh. I want him to be in love with me. I still love him and think he is wonderful but I am also thinking now I am flogging a dead horse as he doesn't seem to feel the same way.

I don't think there is anyone else, he is very open about where he is but is occasionally uncontactable and late home until the early hours, maybe once a month. He just doesn't answer his phone or text. He says I am mad and he wouldn't cheat on me.

I would like to meet my ex, but I am worried I will fall for him all over again, he is just being friendly and would be mortified and i lose a friend make myself miserable and make it even more difficult to try to make my relationship with dh work.

You don't sound as though you're in any position to be meeting the ex at present.

He didn't love you enough to choose to be in the same country.

Your current partner just needs convincing to spend a little more time in your arms.

You've upgraded.

Be happy about that and work on the relationship.

"I would like to meet my ex, but I am worried I will fall for him all over again..."

There is a prayer which goes something like 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference'

You'd be foolish to think you can change your DH, your ex or anyone else. You can only change the choices you make and the way you behave and those choices are going to require some courage and judgement. So here's hoping you have the wisdom to work out the difference, find some backbone, and don't waste your time constantly waiting for others to click their fingers or change personality

The odds are that if you meet him you will fall for him.

You are feeling neglected.
An old flame is pushing your buttons and it's exciting.

TBH I'm surprised he's come back to you because based on your post you imply that you couldn't be arsed with a LDR- okay, he didn't know when he's be back- but you could have joined him wherever he was surely? You were asking him to do something you weren't willing to do yourself- relocate and leave a job which, without knowing all the circs , was possibly an important start to his career, 10 years ago.

If he was ' the one' why didn't you either wait for him to come back, or go out to where he was?

And on the rebound you married in haste.

Your marriage sounds a mess, frankly. For your DH to be 'uncontactable' once a month, and to distance himself when he is at home, sounds rather odd.

You need to put Mr Ex in the box and firmly slam down the lid, then decide if your marriage is worth saving- maybe with couples counselling. At the moment you sound poles apart from your DH, with you whinging and him resentful about your lack of employment.

Missbopeep, you sound very hard, and I haven't written anywhere I am whinging. Dh isn't resentful of my not working, he just thinks it would be better for me and us if I did, which I totally agree with and plan to do.

What he doesn't get is that he might have to help a bit with the house work, running the house and dc if I am at work- atm he doesn't do anything and expects me to work and do it all.

ten years ago i had a very good job and didnt want to leave it for his 6 months secondments. I didnt see why I should be the one to give up my career, and as he travelled a lot plus kept being moved around, if i went with him, I would in effect be unemployable and my career would be over due to contstant moving around. Ten years ago I was unhappy with that option as I had worked hard to get where I was and he was working hard too.

Waiting for him to come back - I did for 18 months after the 2 years together and he kept moving every six months and promising he would be back, sending gifts but not actually being there. I think a LTR is a very difficult situation to be in when there could be no end to it.

I don't think I married in haste, although I suppose it looks like that.

My dh isn't interestest in counselling and says its a waste of money.

Cognito- I liked your post and its very true. I don't think I do have the courage. I used to be terribly brave and make decisions but now I feel lonley and useles tbh.

I try and talk to dh but he doesn't want to. I tried asking if he wants to split up and he doesn't want to. I ask him what we can do about our marriage and he just says " I work so hard and its all for you and the dc and you moan. Ok I will stop working and then we have nothing"

I don't know - I feel my life slipping by whilst he works and works and I sit at home alone or do things alone with the dc. I don't know what to feel or think. Is that it? Should I be grateful for that at least?

I don't want to leave my dh. I want him to be in love with me. I still love him and think he is wonderful

Really? Wonderful?
How?

It seems to me you don't want to give up the relationship not him, possibly because you have invested in it and because of the children.

But if he's not prepared to work at the marriage, what is there left?

Op- not being hard , being frank based on what you wrote. I think you need some sort of realitycheck - based on how you describe your life.

Your post above seems to back-track on everything, minimise your first post ( and others where you say you have been advised to leave your DH) and you appear to be defending his behaviour.

Just look at the facts and take off your rosy specs!

• you said that you met DH and feel for him very quickly, and married very quickly.

• he disappears once a month and is uncontactable, returning home early hours. You accept this and allow it to keep happening? (If that were me in your shoes it might happen once, but never again.)

• he works long hours and never helps at home. (So did my DH- often 12 hour days and frequent long haul international travel, but he still managed to be an exhausted hands-on dad.) What does he do at weekends?

• he isn't interested in investing ( time AND money) in your marriage by having counselling.

• you never go out as a couple. Why not? Do you suggest it? Does he refuse point blank?

• he has the time and energy to socialise with his mates- but not with his wife.

• he moans at you about your not working.

You want him to 'be in love with you'. I think you need him to engage at some level in your marriage!

Your reaction to the posts here, trying to give you support, seems to be the same as in your marriage- denial and defensiveness, and an inability to face up to what is going on- and DO something about it.

The OM is not the answer but god, anyone can see how it's tempting because what you have at home now sounds like shit.

If you can't persuade your H to have counselling why not have some on your own and try to work out what you need to do next?

He used to be wonderful, and I suppose that must be lurking somewhere. I suppose I don't want to face that its a sad disintegration and neither of us want to do anything- well, I do, but I am tired of it. I have noticed that when we both make an effort, its after that he is out all night, like he is rewarding himself for being romantic with me. I said last time he did it I wouldn't stand it anymore, but we both know I have nowhere to go and no money, its all gone now.

We don't go out as he works evenings until late, so he goes straight from work about 11 and I don't want to go out that late. At weekends he just wants to stay home and watch tv. He sits up til late or comes to bed but there is no romance and I do try to talk to him about it but he just laughs.

I feel my life is ebbing by and I want to share it with someone who is interested. My dh says he is but I just don't believe him.

Sometimes I wish he would have an affair just so I had a real reason to leave. He is kind with me, never shouts or anything like that, but its like having an affable lodger who isn't around much.

My ex and I have been in touch over the years and I already know I shouldn't meet with him even as a catch up as it might make me more unhappy. I just want to though.

I'm nervous of counselling. I don't want my life unpicked and where I went wrong and how much of a mess I am in. I want to put it right. Dh said I could go alone but who was going to pay? And also said he wouldn't go to hear me moaning about him. I have tried to talk through some ideas a friend who dd have marriage counselling but dh was interested but not enough to do it.

My ex knows nothing of all this, as far as he is aware its all good in my life.

Marmalade - your post is incredibly sad.

Maybe you can see your post here as the start of making changes?

You are NOT powerless. Your DH may earn the dosh but you are married- half of the money is legally yours. If you want to spend it on counselling instead of down the pub ( which he is doing) then that is your right. Do you get family allowance paid to you? If so, can you use that?

There are a few points in your post that show you don't want to act- the idea of him having an affair for example, takes the onus off you and gives you a 'valid' reason to split up.

Saying you don't want to open up in counselling is that same- avoiding taking responsibility for your feelings and your marriage.

We don't go out as he works evenings until late, so he goes straight from work about 11 and I don't want to go out that late. At weekends he just wants to stay home and watch tv. He sits up til late or comes to bed but there is no romance and I do try to talk to him about it but he just laughs.

Yes, I'm sure he laughs. It's an avoidance strategy and he's got away with it for so long.

Do you really think it is reasonable and acceptable to have a DH who behaves as you have described above? Going out at 11 ,leaving his wife at home with DCs, making no effort to engage with you on any level?

Why do you put up with this?

You seem to fall in love very easily so another reason not to meet up with the ex, what is the point, especially when you are feeling like this, he's the least of your worries, your marriage sounds rubbish, if you are not prepared to do anything about it then you're stuck in the same position, we all need to work but your OH seems to think that's all he has to do, does he not realise that the woman he is with needs love and attention, if not, he's seriously lacking in the brain department. I don't know how you can stand it.

I just don't think counselling is for me tbh. I don't really see what raking over old issues and decisions would do to help- its not as though I plan to get married again. I think it would just make me more unhappy, raising things which are in the past.

He has always worked very late hours and I suppose when I was working and then when the dc were born I just didnt notice his continuing t be out ( I was asleep!) and its only now the dc are older I have realised what's going on.

We have a joint account and I can spend what I like on what i like, withn reason and access to all tbe banking, credit cards etc. its only recently he has been picky, ie when I said I needed a new handbag as mine was very tatty and old, he said I didn't look after it properly and so couldn't have one. This really annoyed me.

I get irritable with him for not knowing anything really about the dc, how to handle them, what food they like/ dont like just knowing them. He is never there. I feel it most when I take ds to football as dh is always too tired and all the other dads are there- and ds is so desperate to see dh when he gets home to tell him all about it. It breaks my heart to see him craving attention like that.

Is this what its like when your dh works and works? Am I being ungrateful? He says I am never happy, no, not anymore. I can't pretend in front of people anymore either, that he is superdad / super husband the few hours a week he is in the same house and I don't mind him interrupting me and talking across me. He is really angry about that and says I have bad attitude and I don't know how lucky I am. I am so confused really and if I see my ex I don't want him to know I am unhappy.

I feel sad for the dc too. I would have liked them to have normal upbringing ( I didn't, so I have a rosy picture of what I wanted for them) my dh used to agree, but now he says they are happy with the way things are and I am very selfish to want to change anything and wreck their lives.

So what do you intend to do?

Carry on as you are?

When your DH didn't 'allow' you to buy a handbag, did that not strike you as unreasonable? Why didn't you buy it anyway? Are you afraid of him and his reaction?

Do you always toe the line according to what he says? Can you not see his behaviour as bullying and controlling?

What exactly does he put into the marriage?
He doesn't care about you or the kids from what you describe. It's all about his selfish wants, and when you start to raise your wants, he bullies you.

No this is not remotely 'normal' behaviour when men ( or women) work long hours.

And the point is, he is working because he wants to- and putting his job above the needs of you and his kids.

You say you didn't have a normal upbringing- don't know what that means, but it's the kind of thing counselling would address because it seems to me that you need some help in unravelleing your own experiences as a child, and your expectations as an adult in a marriage that has run into deep trouble.

Sorry, I have had my head on the sand again- I have never discussed with anyone except on here how unhappy I am and its really hard to admit it even like this. Just writing it all down helps and I am sorry if its boring.

He does want to make things better but to him the best thing would be more sex, preferably every night. I have been less and less interested. He says he loves me and wants things to to better but its all talk I have realised. Its the tone of his voice when he talks to me. I have asked him to be careful how he talks as he sounds so awful but he says I am too sensitive.

Recently we had a night out and met one of his close friends and his wife- even his friend kept asking my dh to let me speak and not cut across me.

Dh is too tired to go out and tbh he expects sex if we do, so I feel he is just waiting to get home all the time. Even if we have a drink at home he finishes and says right bed, and I say " but I still have my drink" and he says sorry but it happens all the time and then he just sits and waits for me to finish, not talking.

My ex is not part of my solution anyway- he might get a shock if he sees me after all these years, 2 children, not a moment to myself etc. however he is fabulously wealthy now, and has given up work- and tells me he has time now. He asked after my marriage which I ignored and just chattered about the children. I still haven't made any arrangements to meet him. I am on the fence about it.

I must try harder really, I think I have invested so much and it will be impossible to unravel our lives plus the impact on the dc. I am horribly broke with no family, and out of work for years due to travelling with dh work and the dc. My dm said I need a hobby and must get out of the house more. Perhaps she is right, I am alone or with the dc 90% of the time.

No, this is not how men who work a lot are. My h works late but calls me from the office because he doesn't like working late & misses the family.

He's never in our entire marriage ever gone awol.

If he's going to be working late I will go out to friends alone & he comes when he can.

If he has to go away he insists on Skype video...

I'm a bit concerned about your husband's disappearances - it doesn't seem regular enough to be an affair - you don't think he could be seeing a hooker?

Personally I would not have the self discipline not to meet your ex.
No way could I not go.

Your husband needs help- he needs to learn how to treat a woman- his wife! He sounds a bit thick TBH if he imagines that sex follows an evening out or a drink at home, without making any effort to show he cares about you as a person.

Do you think you still lack some perspective on all of this? Thinking that a hobby might solve your problems is frankly laughable. It would get you out of the house and help you regain a sense of who you are, and you might make some new friends- but it won't address your marriage issues.

I want to know where your husband is when he goes AWOL. What does he say?

And your husband needs a reality check if he thinks his behaviour is going to make anyone want to have sex with him.

I seem to put up with a lot of things that would have seen me leave without a doubt since I am married with the dc.

I can't sleep, been awake for ages. Dh woke me up in the night and now I am awake. A few things happened.

Someone came round for a drink tonight as he is on holiday, and I overheard him saying he takes our ds to school everyday. This is such a lie, he has done it once in 2 years. He also gave the impression he gets up in the night with the dc and is up when they get up early but he has not once got up with them even on hols, in the night or first thing

He refused to go and get the dc bedtime teddies they had left downstairs at bedtime tonight, he said he was too tired and was going straight to bed. I did it, but it has struck me how cruel this was to refuse in front of the dc, knowing they would cry and I would jump in with " I'll do it, its ok etc" this is enough to make me pack. I know its a small thing but its really bothered me. He said I was overreacting.

My ds woke up in the night and wet the bed, so I changed him and put him in the spare bed with me ( its easier as he shouts if I am not there) and I woke up to to the lights on the landing flashing on and off- the flicking of the light switch. It was dh. He had got up in the night for the loo, and one of the landing lights wouldn't work. I asked him to stop as it would wake the dc up, clicking the light switch and the lights going on and off. He wouldn't and went downstairs to the fuse box. . I turned it off and said now wasn't the time, please go to bed as dd and ds were bound to wake up with the noise and flashing lights.

He accused me of being mental and said I needed help.

I said I wanted to leave and it was so awful being together. He again said I should see a doctor and put him under a lot of stress and he went back to bed.

I am now in the lounge, crying and I just want to leave. If it wasnt for the dc I would be gone. I know it wasnt the best time to tell him but I wanted to get it out.

In the morning he will pretend nothing has happened or tell me I am unsupportive and I will say I am not. He will put me under huge pressure as we have family stuff all weekend and he will say he will cancel it. The dc will be unhappy as they love their gp. We will have to sweep it under the carpet.

Christ this is long:(

This sounds like a marriage with young children where the fun and romance has gone, where stress and competition over who has it the worst takes over, and being nice to each other is just too hard - resentment is building, and it's awfully hard to pull it back from that point. It will take energy and commitment from both of you. One person alone can't save this.
You need marriage counseling, I believe. And if he doesn't want that, then you need to know what he suggests you both do to change things. Then go to the counseling yourself as you're going to need it to either stay in this marriage or to work out to successfully transition to the next phase, whatever that looks like.
I don't think it's hopeless but only if you both want to improve things.
And don't let him cancel your family plans for the weekend. His sulking shouldn't dictate what the other three people in the family do.

Life is too short to mess around with someone who makes you miserable.

Childhood is also too brief to spend it with someone who can't be arsed to take an interest in it.

I hope you are able to change your situation and hopefully either make your dh wake up to what is important in life or find your own seperate way.

Please also consider what is important for your kids. Having one parent very unhappy and continually put down by the other us not a good example of a healthy relationship.

Also having one parent disintested in their children will also have a negative impact.

You have the opportunity at this point to change your life for the better.

He accused me of being mental and said I needed help.

Lovely. When he was fussing over a landing light in the middle of the night- just to make some point, it seems.

Oh you poor thing.
Look- emotional abuse often includes the abuser saying the other person is 'mental'. It slowly erodes confidence and perspective- and you begin to believe them eventually.

IMo you need to start thinking seriously how to leave this marriage. If you haven't got that close then at least try to have some counselling for yourself to help you talk about this in RL. Don't fret about the cost- he has his nights out, you can spend the money on some help.

You don't need to put up with the selfish idiot.

"Someone came round for a drink tonight as he is on holiday, and I overheard him saying he takes our ds to school everyday. This is such a lie, he has done it once in 2 years. He also gave the impression he gets up in the night with the dc and is up when they get up early but he has not once got up with them even on hols, in the night or first thing"

What's interesting about this is the casual lies... Is this is habitual?

From your posts he seems to have set up his life so he works & sees his mates while you & the children are shut out...

He's basically shutting you out of your own life.

Counselling doesn't have to be about the past & past decisions: it can be about the now, where you want to go from here, and gathering the strength together to do what you need to do. A good counsellor can give you so much strength & support.

I wouldn't go with your partner though, he'll just dominate & dismiss you.

Sorry as we have been away and I don't get really anytime to get on mn as we are with family.

Twinkle, I see exactly what you mean about shutting me out of my life. I think you are right. Thing is, we only get one life don't we? I am using reading and drinking a bit too much wine to escape from it all tbh.

He doesn't like to look a bad father in front of people which is why he says these things. He says he is going to take ds to school then he ends up having a meeting or oversleeping or ds has a meltdown I'm not doing it.

My ex has made it pretty clear he wants to meet and get together, but he accepts I am married and this won't happen. I am really struggling with it as I have found I have been thinking about him so much and looking forward to his emails and texts.

My dh has been offered a job abroad and we will be going very soon - i din want to go but i have no money, and no home if he goes, plus its not that bad i suppose. so meeting my ex will be impossible - just like now, we will live thousands of miles apart.

I know a hobby sounds really sad and pathetic but at least I will get out and meet people and be responsible more for my own happiness. My dh was not amused when I said I would be going on girls nights with friends and I am worried too tbh.

Marmalade. Would you consider some counselling just for you? it worries me to think of you abroad and even more isolated. You don't have to go, there is always another way.