Is this just being friendly? I can't tell

[Marmaladetoast]

I'm a regular poster but have nc as I don't want to put myself and I'll try to be brief!

I had a dp about 10 years ago, we adored each other from mpov he was the one, together for 2 years, he was seconded abroad for 6 months, I stayed in my job, he did another 6, we kept the relationship working as an LTR mainly as he flew back and forth a lot for work. I struggled with the whole LTR thing, and we decided to stop as he didnt know when he would be back and tbh I was fed up with it.

I met someone else, and fell in love with him, very quickly. We got married very quickly and have 2 dc.

We have not been in touch except for maybe one or twice a year. However last year he began to email and text a few times with banter which I replied to a couple of times then stopped as I thought it was inappropriate. Nothing but in jokes between us, but still. We occasionally email each other. He wrote recently and wants to meet me.

I really want to meet with him. I have problems with dh and have been advised on this board he is an arse and workaholic and I should ltb. I haven't and have plugged away.

Dh won't change and we haven't been getting on for a long time, maybe 4 years as he is always at work, out with friends or watching the tv and not coming to bed. I keep trying to talk about it for a year now and he seems to just work harder and more hours - I do everything for the dc alone, he has never even put them to bed or given them a bath. I could cope with that if I thought he liked me:(

We never go out- he is too tired and wants to save money. He has recently been moaning I have to work, and I will now the dc are at school, but he expects me to still do all the housework and look after the dc alone and at weekends- he now has extra work he took on at weekends which I have to suck up as he " does it for the family"

My dm says he is lovely and such a hard worker, but she sees a bonus in a dh who just earns the money and is never there/ doesn't help/doesn't get involved. I am tired of it.

It's not brief is it?:)

Counselling for you is the answer. Really it is. I was in your situation, and found the money (birthday money, family allowance etc) and went. Originally I had wanted to go for marriage counselling but my DH refused to go. So I went alone.

I'm still with him (just) but I live my own life now. He's tantrums and strops don't affect me life they did. I can see a way out which I couldn't before.

And if you meet the ex. You'll sleep with him, you'll fall in love with him and your head will be truly mixed up. That way madness lies......

His tantrums
Like they did

(Stupid iPhone!)

To be blunt, you need to end your marriage imo.

Your Dh shows you no love or respect.

There will be a way out financially. I don't like the way you are being bulldozed into moving overseas- a huge step even for happy, settled couples- without any real discussion.

It's another example of him putting his needs first with a complete disregard for you.

The ex is a distraction and something may or may not come of it- but first you need to take control of what's happening with your husband.

You need to dig deep, find some confidence and self respect, and tell him to go to hell.

I cant sleep, its been such a horrible night. I know what you all say and suggest is right but I can't seem to process it into action. Everything is moving so fast and he organises and does things without discussing with me, so its all done and he gets angry I don't appreciate him.

I don't want to sleep with him anymore. I have moved into the spare room but we have a friend coming and I will have to live back into our room. He will be very nice with me in front of his friend and try to pretend everything is ok. His friend is nice - last time we met he told my dh to stop cutting me when I talked and also told my dh to let me speak. He does that a lot.

D is being more unhelpful with the dc than ever. Dd gave him a half eaten ice cream and he tried to hand it straight to me saying " here, you are her mother" so I stood my ground and said " yes, and you are her father" he wasnt happy with me.

I had a bad evening as we had dinner at some co workers and they all speak the same language as dh - I do a little - enough to get by easily in most situations and conversation - but the hostess said I was terrible at the language and after a beat of silence round a table of 15 people dh said she speaks it a little then everyone laughed. I felt I the tears well up as I had tried so hard to listen and join in, ESP as they were all drinking.

I wanted to go home as the dc were moaning they were tired but dh wanted to stay. The hostess said " you go, we will arrange your dh a lift" and I wanted to but he wouldn't let me. We had to wait whilst he drank his coffee, lurched about, argued he was ok to drive ( I refused to let him) then he moaned about how dreadful I was all the way home in front of the dc, so I said I was happy to leave and he said I was never happy.

I have arranged to meet with my ex in a couple of weeks. I wasn't going to but I want to so much that I would rather meets him and have him run a mile at me than not meet him and wonder.

Good luck op! Please let us know how the meetup goes. How are things lately? Have you been able to talk to dh any more?

Cookiedoughkid, thank you. I keep avoiding coming back to his thread as when I read it back it shocks me. I seem to forget really easily and forgive things that happen with dh. Does that mean I am over reacting to all these things that have happened?

We went canoeing and I am very inexperienced and although the water was only a few inches deep, I panicked:( I was clutching a branch and couldn't move, absolutely frozen. Dh started shouting at me to stop being stupid then when I burst into tears he shouted about that too. I said i was scared but he didn't stop shouting . Dh doesn't think he did anything wrong and I should be ashamed of myself for being scared.

I seem to have lost any confidence in myself as to right and wrong behaviour from dh. He carries on as though nothing's happened. I sob and sulk then have to be nice as the dc are there.

As I write this I see I am just moaning and I can't see what I can do anyway. I have told one person what he is like, but she just says he is a good man and would be devastated if I left him and took the dc.

Another friend is just left her dp and won't speak to me as happily married couples upset her at the minute. If I tell her the truth she wil know I have been lying everything is ok for a few years and she will probably dump me:(

Your DP has destroyed your sense of self worth and self esteem. How he's acted is not the behaviour of a loving partner.

Your recently separated friend would not be upset at your 'lying' if you told her how unhappy you are. She's probably been covering up like that herself for longer than you might imagine.

Maybe you should talk to her, maybe she can give you the strength to regain your self worth and see your marriage with fresh eyes.