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Original poster

Blame for miscarriage

30 replies

NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 14:41

After reading a similar thread last week, and thinking about my own experience with this, I'm concerned for my friend that whats she's dealing with is not normal.

She has PCOS, and has suffered 2 miscarriages. Her DH has made it abundantly clear it's alllllll heeeeerrrr fauuuullllttt. And he could have kids with anyone else he wanted. And she's damaged goods, she should be grateful he sticks around etc

Him, and his family make jokes and digs in front of people Shock it's vile to watch. And I've made myself a few enemies by pulling them up on it. But I don't want to rock the boat too much incase he won't let her see me any more (yes it's like that Hmm)

I had this, when I had to have a TFMR, but he left so it wasn't prolonged, thinking about the things he said to me, it still stings, but as I have DS and read these boards I can see it was not my fault iykwim?

But my friend, she's just destroyed Sad she believes him and copies the things he says about her, to other People, it's so distressing to see her like this.

Has anyone else experienced this? Wrt miscarriage, infertility etc. is it a reaction that can be explained, or is he just an abusive wank weasel?

OP posts:
lowra · 02/07/2013 14:47

Sounds like a wank weasel to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2013 14:50

Your friend is with an abusive wank weasel and it does not surprise me in the least that his birth family act like it as well, the apple did not drop far from the rotten tree. She would indeed be destroyed emotionally given his ongoing emotional abuse; its a continuous cycle of nice/nasty behaviour. She is likely now to be a shadow of her former self.

Would she be at all willing to speak to Womens Aid?. Could you encourage her to call them from your house?.

(It is not her fault she has a recognised medical condition. PCOS is infact very common; around one in every five women have polycystic ovaries and there is a fine balance between PCO and its syndrome. There is some evidence to suggest that having higher than normal LH levels due to PCOS can increase the overall risk of miscarriage).

Shellywelly1973 · 02/07/2013 14:54

Your poor friend!

Direct her to MN asap...

Essexgirlupnorth · 02/07/2013 14:57

I have PCOS and my husband never made me feel that the long time it took us to conceive was my fault.
Sounds like he is a horrible man and she would be better without him.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 02/07/2013 15:00

He's just an abuser. Poor woman.

EeyoreIsh · 02/07/2013 15:04

What a nasty man. That is not at all a normal reaction. Your poor friend.

Original poster
NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 15:06

Thank you for your replies.

Whenever I bring this up, she excuses his behaviour with things like:

But he's right (while looking at me with a blank expression)
He just really wants his own baby
He's really sensitive and can't cope
He hates it when I'm ill so he gets angry
This is how all men would be, it happened to you remember

I've pointed in the direction of MN and WA. She says no, as when she has a baby everything will be ok.
She won't leave him as she thinks (as he has made her believe) no one else would want her as she's not a real women and she's getting older (she's 3 years older than him and late 20's) Sad

Just seeing his face or hearing his name makes me stabby Angry

OP posts:
vintagecakeisstillnice · 02/07/2013 15:07

Vile
Vile
Vile
Vile

that poor woman, at least she has you in her corner

Original poster
NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 16:56

Unfortunately I don't think I'm enough as she won't listen. I'm hoping that if I can get some replies on this thread from people in the similar situations I can show her and she might see the light Smile

OP posts:
TWinklyLittleStar · 02/07/2013 17:01

No. Not all men are like this. I have PCOS and have failed to conceive despite DH's "excellent" sperm (fertility consultant's words). DH also really wants a child and hates seeing me ill. However he responds with kindness, support, and an unerring certainty that we are in this as a TEAM.

LineRunner · 02/07/2013 17:09

I really hope she doesn't have a baby with this particular man. I can't imagine him being a kind father or supportive partner.

Are you planning on showing her this thread? I'd like to wish her well and say that maybe if she wasn't with him she'd no doubt have the energy and strength to pursue her treatment and make a lovely life happen somehow. She's only in her 20s, for goodness sake.

Pilgit · 02/07/2013 17:11

He is being horrid. He is an emotionally abusive wank stain. She is worth so much more. There are men out there who do not think or act like this. There are men out there who would not blame her in this way and love and cherish her for who she is. Even if she left and never found love - as a wise friend of mine once said 'it's better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.'

tobiasfunke · 02/07/2013 17:13

I have PCOS and it took me 7 years to conceive. Never once did my DH ever ever make me feel it was my fault and he is no saint.
Your friends DH is a pig of the highest order. I had DS when I was 39 so there is plenty of time for her to bin him and find a nicer father for her kids.

LineRunner · 02/07/2013 17:18

Oh Pilgit I like that!

'it's better to be on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.'

LunaticFringe · 02/07/2013 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EeyoreIsh · 02/07/2013 17:24

When I had a miscarriage my husband was living and supportive, as he has been during our years of trying to conceive. The problems are all with me but my husband recognises that it isn't my fault. He rejects any blame I try to put on myself.

Yes, I have an exceptionally lovely husband. But he is also normal, he loves me so why would he do anything other than support me?

I feel sadness for your friend. She deserves better than this, and is still young enough to walk away and find a living relationship.

EeyoreIsh · 02/07/2013 17:25

Not living but loving, sorry.

specialsubject · 02/07/2013 17:28

she needs to leave and not breed any more dicks like the one she has married. Unfortunately she is clearly so controlled and abused that she can't see it.

I don't have the solution to that. She does. I only hope she can see it soon. You did the right thing, hopefully she will too.

TalkativeJim · 02/07/2013 17:34

Not normal.

Not kind.

Not father material!!!!!

Show your friend this, and ask her to think about the many responses she will get from horrified women in normal loving partnerships. They'll ALL be saying the same thing. He's horrible and an ABUSER. And horrible abusers do not make good dads.

She'll find it difficult to accept this, as this nasty little grub has her conditioned to accept his abuse: he works hard at it, he's put the hours in, because it's HIM that knows, deep down, that HE'S the one no sane person would want.

OP's friend - WAKE UP!!! Read what everyone is saying. LEAVE.

You are fine, normal, a good person, an ordinary person with a medical problem that can be overcome and when it is, you will make a fine mother.

He is NOT normal. His faults are hidden ones, and ones that are almost impossible to fix. And ones that will make him a horribly deficient and damaging parent. GET AWAY FROM HIM.

eurozammo · 02/07/2013 17:35

What an utter twonk.

If he's so keen on allocating blame, he should know that mcs are most often caused by a chromosal problem with the embryo, and that is as likely to be down to the sperm as it is to the egg.

Anecdotally: a friend of mine tried for a baby for about 18 months with her ex and had one mc. She has PCOS and had various investigations. She left the ex and got together with someone new and got pg first month of trying with her first and second month of trying with her second and did not mc. I think it's quite clear that her eggs were not the problem there.

But frankly I think she needs to LTB.

Original poster
NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 18:23

Thank you all. I'm trying to get her confidence up by her joining me on an exercise and healthy eating plan as she is very down on herself at the moment, so hopefully it will make her feel better and it will be time with just us two away from him which will help I think.

It's horrible to watch and I pretty sure I will show her this thread but there is a fine line as to what I can say, as I know, if push come to shove she would defend him to the death and cut me off.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 18:27

Oh and it's not helping that I'm single after splitting with wank weasel XP! She says oh you're still single so what hope is there for me! (It's only been 7/8 months of singledom by the way! I might start using pilgits line!)

OP posts:
Jimmybob · 02/07/2013 18:45

What an idiot he sounds....
So not her fault - apart from maybe an unconsious desire to make sure he doesn't replicate himself. She would be better off with someone else and would probably have more luck getting and staying pregnant.

YouAreMyRain · 02/07/2013 18:46

I have PCOS and endometriosis. Infertile with my STBXH for 12yrs, met a new man and bingo - pregnant!

His sperm may have corrupt DNA that is causing the MCs. He is an abusive wanker!!

Loulybelle · 02/07/2013 19:16

Any man who ridicules a woman by saying shes not a real woman, is NOT a real man.

A woman isnt defined by her abilites to make babies, a woman is what she can bring to the table of life.

Your friend needs to remember that if her husband cant accept her as she is, then he has nothing to bring to enrich her life or any child.

Lets remember, if they have a child, the list of faults he will on her:

Premature
Bad Eater
Bad Sleeper
Prefers mummy
Wont settle for daddy
Is naughty
Not smart enough
Not cute enough

All of that to him will be her fault for not producing the perfect child.

As harsh as it sounds, best thing he can do for her is leave, so she can find a real man.