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Original poster

MN jury - What should I do about this offer of a wad cash from toxic father?

35 replies

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:04

Some background - I cut off contact with my Dad over 5 years ago as he is a horrible bullying, physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative git. He has got me into all sorts of trouble, including forging my signature on mortgage documents, having a photo ID and a bank account in my name without my consent...

He has tried several tactics over the years to try and force contact. This has included phoning my home, leaving threatening voicemails, banging on my front door and shouting abuse, sitting outside my house in his car. He's also tried being charming and friendly, sending me chatty emails and letters as if everything is normal. I've ignored it all.

His latest stunt... he's sent me an email saying he wants to give me a thousand pounds. He says he must give it to me in cash and he will hand deliver it through my letterbox. If he doesn't get a response from me within a week he will assume I am happy to accept the money and he will go ahead.

A small part of me thinks that I should take the cash and view it as compensation for the amount of pure stress and aggravation the asshole has caused me over the years. On the other hand, if I take his money he will think I'm beholden to him for evermore.

I think I'm most pissed off at the fact he's forcing contact again by stating that he'll go ahead if he doesn't hear from me.

So MN jury, WWYD - give me some ideas please on how to deal with this asshole!

OP posts:

hurryup · 01/07/2013 23:06

If you could do with the money I'd take it, but then I'm up the creek without a paddle so maybe not

HerRoyalNotness · 01/07/2013 23:11

He'll give you the cash if you don't contact him. Win win!

Although, I have a toxic mother and once upon a time she took my brother and I on a vacation (we were adults), I hadn't been talking to her much Prior to that. It was a great holiday although her behaviour was questionable, but after a time I didn't want to feel beholden to her. So I took her on a vacation when I could, so I didn't "owe" her anything.

So it depends on how you personally would feel after you received the money.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:14

That is very sneaky. Making you contact him to say no, or being beholden to him if you dont.

I would be inclined to get a solicitor to write to him saying that you wish to have no contact with him at all and if he continues to harrass you then you will take legal steps to keep him away.

I personally wouldnt touch a penny of his money, my uber toxic MIL got back every penny she sent to STBX.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/07/2013 23:15

I'm not sure what you should do about the cash: I think I'd be inclined to take it. But you might find it useful to have a word with a solicitor about forcing your father to leave you alone. You are an adult and he has no rights to insist on contact with you: you should be able to get a non-molestiation order against him.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 01/07/2013 23:18

Has he a prejudice? Silly me, I should imagine he has the full set.

Give the cash (if you don't actually need it) in £100 chunks to 10 charities that'll most enrage him and send the him receipts.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:20

IS there any chance that the money could be the result of crime? Just asking because if it is then you need to be aware of any legal ramifications.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:22

hurryup and HerRoyalNotness I think I would feel a bit beholden to him and whatever I did with the money would kinda be tainted by association with him.

Bogeyface - yes very sneaky. I reckon he's been wracking his brains to come up with this particular plot, and I reckon he thinks he's so bloody clever for it.

SolidGoldBrass I'm so naive, I didn't think you could get non-molestation orders against family members - but why not I suppose.

Funnily enough DH did also just suggest getting a solicitor to reply on my behalf

OP posts:

Weegiemum · 01/07/2013 23:23

If my estranged mother did this I'd do exactly what disgrace suggests and donate it to a cause that would be the biggest wind up possible.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:25

Disgrace that is total genius. Seriously that's a fantastic idea.

Bogeyface white collar crime if any, tax evasion etc

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:29

I do think that a non molestation order is the way to go, but with a solicitors letter first to make it clear you dont want his money or anything to do with him.

That way, you havent contacted him directly but he is told in no uncertain terms to fuck off.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:29

Actually, come to think of it he was involved in a scam at one stage with his mad sister... I don't know the ins and outs of it, but they were making a false claim off a govt dept... I wonder if this is actually part of another dodgy scheme.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:31

Even more reason to make sure that not one penny of it enters your possession even for a second. Especially as he could drop you in it and say that you accepted the money knowing it was from illegal activity.

TalkingintheDark · 01/07/2013 23:31

I agree about contacting him only through a solicitor. Or even reporting him on the 101 number, given all the illegal stunts he's pulled in the past, and given that this could well be interpreted as harrassment.

There is no generosity or goodwill on his part with this, it's all about manipulation and control: like you say, he's forcing contact and for that reason I'd say you should do whatever you can/need to NOT to give him that contact, just to take back that control for yourself.

Like you say, if you accept it you will be beholden to him in his eyes -even though I agree with you absolutely that you deserve compensation, he clearly won't see it like that: for him it will be proof of what a great dad he is rather than an admission of what a shit dad he's been.

I am NC with my own bunch of charmers family myself and had a similar-ish thing a few years back where my mother offered me money that was supposedly no strings attached and supposedly meant as compensation for the way they've treated me over the years, but the minute I called her on her continuing bullshit, EA and denial, the deal was off. Because what she was really trying to do was paint herself as the "loving mother" she likes to believe she is, and when I wouldn't play along, she got very cross. There's always a price to pay.

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:32

And....sorry!.....if you have sent a solicitors letter then you have proof if anything bad did happen, that you wanted nothing to do with it.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:33

Hmmm, so what charities are most likely to piss him off?

He's homophobic, anti-semitic, racist, women are very much second class citizens there to serve his interests.

Gosh, he's a real charmer isn't he

Well I suppose that gives me a lot to work with!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 01/07/2013 23:36

Is there a charity for gay Jewish black women?!

cozietoesie · 01/07/2013 23:38

I wouldn't touch it, however much it might ease things temporarily. Looking at it really cynically (and in light of his track record) how much easier would it be to force you into continued contact if it did turn out to be 'tainted funds' - which you had then spent. He'd think he had you over a barrel.

I'd personally go with a solicitor's letter even though you might have to pay for it. Apart from anything else, it would be so good and relaxing for you to have a reputable third party know the situation.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:39

Bogeyface and TalkingintheDark - thank you for your advice. I think you are both absolutely right when you say it is about power and control, rather than altruism.

While the idea of passing it all on to charity is very amusing, a solicitors letter seems like the most sensible solution.

Talking you are right, I need to take back control; this is the issue that is pissing me off more than anything. I'd say 'D'F is delighted with his own cleverness at the moment

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/07/2013 23:41

Except it's not real cleverness of course - and very revealing about his mindset.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:43

Bogeyface

cozietoesie that's a v good point about having a third party know the situation. I have never reported any of his scams to anyone (false claims, forging my signature etc). It would be good to tell all to a solicitor so that there is a record somewhere.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/07/2013 23:46

Be just a little cautious about what the solicitor documents if (as I assume) he wasn't charged with offences because the matters were never reported.

wannabeawallaby · 01/07/2013 23:46

I wouldn't take it. Potential hurt is not worth a thousand pounds.

Original poster

PartTimePunk · 01/07/2013 23:50

cozietoesie he's never been reported or investigated for anything as far as I'm aware.

If I told a solicitor what I know, would they be obliged to notify the police?

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 01/07/2013 23:54

Of there own volition ? I don't know.

I'm only thinking that if you were ever to be questioned about it (and that's a very remote possibility, it's just that I'm a paranoid type) then questions might be asked about why you hadn't reported things before.

Personally, I'd keep it to a 'bad relationship which you want to keep closed down'.

cozietoesie · 01/07/2013 23:55

their

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