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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H told DS to 'drop dead'

50 replies

badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 22:24

I stupidly thought i'd misheard what he'd said.

H is out at the moment.

I talked to DS, I didn't mishear (I'm one of those really stupid people who see the good in everyone) I sent a text to H saying it was unaceptable. no reply so far.

i have had doubts regarding my relationship with h. I sought counselling with relate (2 years ago) I shared the replies from relate with H. he was angry, called me a liar, he continues to do so to this day. (relate considered H to be abusive). he says I should be ashamed of myself, I am a laughing stock., Im thick, a moron.

I know I cant stay in this situation, but I gave up my career 9 yrs ago to be a stay at home mum. my self confidence is shot to pieces.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 01/07/2013 22:33

What age is your son?

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 22:37

Ds is 9 & his younger brother is 2

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2013 22:40

Is he your ds' s father? Assuming not, getout as quicy as you can. Even if he is the advice is pretty much the same but if not, dont give it a second thought.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 01/07/2013 22:42

Well, your H proved Relate to be quite correct, didn't they? Of course, if he were a decent man instead, he'd have been mortified and looking into how things had got so bad and how he could help make them better.

You know you can't stay. And you feel too weak to leave. Leaving is a huge thing to do and it's helpful to break it down into manageable pieces. They're sometimes called baby steps towards freedom.

Some first steps for you might be:

Get in touch with Women's Aid, to speak to people who understand. If you want, they can assign someone to be a listening ear whenever you need it.

Confide in a trusted friend or relative.

Lurk on the EA support thread to see other people in various stages of not leaving, trying to leave, leaving or having left damaging relationships.

What your H said to your DS was horrible. Inexcusable, as you say.

Mixxy · 01/07/2013 22:46

Is your DS okay? How is he handling it?

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 22:48

This will sound mad.

But I think he has put up a 'perfect persona' with regard to himself - perfect children & wife - the 'show ponies'?

we arn't perfect, we are normal, we have flaws. (in my head inperfections are 'perfect'??!!)

OP posts:
LittleNoona · 01/07/2013 22:48

Your poor ds Sad

My dad used to say horrible things to me. Not quite as bad as telling me to drop dead but bad enough.

It's affected me really badly - I have no self confidence.

Please seriously consider getting away from your H, things will only get worse.

Good luck and give ds lots of love and hugs

Mixxy · 01/07/2013 22:49

I have found that when people say "you are a laughing stock" they tend to be the most obnoxious people of all. I'd be out the door with the kids myself, unless you think there is a very good reason for sticking around?

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 01/07/2013 22:49

Doesn't sound mad at all. Sounds like my STBXH: he is all about image. And he doesn't really set much importance by what's underneath, except to get annoyed if we're not matching up to what he thinks we should be.

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 23:01

my head is all over the place.

DS ... he's feisty, BUT that is a very tiny aspect of my personality he has picked up on. he reminds me of me before i was in this relationship.

I know he is depending on me to lead the way,

what am i doing? - i've told ds - this isn't how you should treat women.

I've also promised him I will do something about it. he loves his dad, but he also refers to him as a bully.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 01/07/2013 23:14

Maybe you could have your DH apologise to your DS in front of the whole family. Have him admit he was wrong. Say he is sorry.

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 23:29

haha H won't apologise, because he is right, he is always right.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 23:35

Your H sounds like my father

he did the same to me all through my childhood, and to my mother

I have no relationship with him now, but more chillingly for you perhaps, I have no respect for my mother either as she stayed with him and put her marriage before her kids

they are still together...he still treats her like shit

they live an insular life, not surprisingly, but she made her choice many years ago

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/07/2013 10:25

Agreeing with CharlotteCollins I think you have to find the confidence to start making your exit plan. Clearly you feel trapped in the current situation and believe you have few options. Everything is telling you it's all wrong, ranging from your experience to the Relate assessment to a little boy correctly identifying that Dad is a bully (how sad is that?) ... and the 'drop dead' remark is the last straw. I think, if you can find the courage, you would get strength from starting down the path of researching what it would mean to be independent from this nasty piece of work. Just knowing there is an alternative/better future can be extremely liberating.

Womens Aid, Solicitors, CAB, friends, family... are all great sources of information, support, advice and practical help. If you went this route you'd find you're in a stronger position than you think. However, if there's any hint of aggression, make sure you stay safe at all times.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 02/07/2013 11:32

I've also promised him I will do something about it.

Good, do it for your DS - be strong for his better future. Or he could well grow up hating what his dad does but turning into him nonetheless...

What's your plan so far?

brokenhearted55 · 02/07/2013 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 02/07/2013 13:12

Thank you for your replies.

Had a talk with H this morning. He thinks it is a normal thing to say to children & won't be apologising, if I think otherwise, I am a very strange person. I have inadequate parenting skills, I don't know anything about discipline. I'm basically thick, stiring things up & damaging the family. And lots more.

And ... he wants to stay married. I told him his behaviour indicates otherwise & asked him what he does to show that he wants to be part of this family. He told me to take a look at myself.

My head is a bit muddled now. DS will ask how my talk with daddy went when he gets back from school ...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 13:18

I would say he leaves you no choice but to dissolve the marriage

What other options do you see here ?

AnyFucker · 02/07/2013 13:19

I don't understand why your head is "muddled" after that conversation. He has made it crystal clear he will continue to verbally abuse you and your children.

Over to you

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 02/07/2013 13:20

You don't need your DH's permission to leave. You don't have to get him to agree that his behaviour is unacceptable before you are 'allowed' to go.

Leaving can feel like the biggest thing in the world before you do it.

I found that once I had made the decision, and realised H was never going to agree to split up no matter how bad things got, it was actually quite easy.

Squitten · 02/07/2013 13:21

Wow.

Firstly, say NOTHING to your son about what his father has said. He doesn't need any of that on his shoulders. Just say it was fine.

You told your son that this is not how you treat women. I would encourage you to back that up with some action.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2013 13:41

Your H is a master in projecting all his crap onto you isn't he?. These are his issues, not yours to own or take any responsibility for. He has neither apologised nor taken any responsibility for his actions

You have a choice re this man. Your children do not. Who is more important to you; your children or this bloke you're currently shackled to.

He wants to stay married to you because he likes things the way they are; he has you and your children to use and abuse as he sees fit. Such abusive men do not want to let go of their victims easily.

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. What are your justifications for staying after that conversation you've had?.

Doing nothing here and carrying on as before (impossible now anyway) is not an option. He crossed a line that should never have been crossed.

HighJinx · 02/07/2013 13:43

From your earlier post where you mention that Relate considered your H abusive, I am not surprised that he responded to you as he did this morning.

Your H obviously does not consider that he needs to change in any way and that he believes all fault lies with others. He has given you nothing that you can use to work on your marriage with. He has made it very clear that you either accept things on his terms or you move on.

You have told your son that you will do something about this. Talking to your H hasn't done anything and that is unlikely to change if you talk to him again and again and again. This fact alone should tell you what you need to do now.

I know you say that your self confidence is shot to pieces but I think you also know that ending your marriage is the only way to get it back. Take small steps if you need to, but take steps. You and your DC deserve it.

Original poster
badlydawnxx · 02/07/2013 14:01

He needs to leave, or I do with the children.

Otherwise I am no better than him.

We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks, then he is away for a few days.

OP posts:
WhiteBirdBlueSky · 02/07/2013 14:51

The holiday is irrelevant, frankly. It's easy to use such things as justifications for delaying the unpleasant.