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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H told DS to 'drop dead'

50 replies

badlydawnxx · 01/07/2013 22:24

I stupidly thought i'd misheard what he'd said.

H is out at the moment.

I talked to DS, I didn't mishear (I'm one of those really stupid people who see the good in everyone) I sent a text to H saying it was unaceptable. no reply so far.

i have had doubts regarding my relationship with h. I sought counselling with relate (2 years ago) I shared the replies from relate with H. he was angry, called me a liar, he continues to do so to this day. (relate considered H to be abusive). he says I should be ashamed of myself, I am a laughing stock., Im thick, a moron.

I know I cant stay in this situation, but I gave up my career 9 yrs ago to be a stay at home mum. my self confidence is shot to pieces.

OP posts:

HighJinx · 02/07/2013 15:29

What are your plans OP?

Do you have somewhere to go?

I hope you aren't planning on going through with the holiday - at least not for all of you to go.

sweetiepie1979 · 02/07/2013 15:37

Just leave him now, to hell with a holiday! How much advice from how many people do you need? Come on don't be a victim!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2013 16:01

It is sad it has come to this but now you know what your H thinks of you and how he will treat your children.

What rl support do you have, OP? Confide in someone then start making plans. Act, don't talk.

Is this holiday abroad? If so hide your DCs' passports away with your own.

Original poster

badlydawnxx · 02/07/2013 16:04

Maybe I am all those things he said.

Or maybe he is turning all the things I feel vulnerable about against me? In that case, he is incredibly clever. but why do that to someone?

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2013 16:07

I realise you don't have work colleagues but are you isolated or do you have friends you can trust and share this with? Being withering or unkind to children has nothing to do with your shortcomings even if you had any. He probably prides himself on being super bright or popular, actually he may big himself at home with you and the children because he is neither.

tallwivglasses · 02/07/2013 16:15

Don't believe those awful things he said to you. All I can see is the mother tiger trying to protect her cubs.

Don't try and understand why he's such a git. Instead spend your time working out how to get out. He thinks normal parenting includes telling your kids to drop dead? Tell him to drop dead and fuck off.

It's not often a thread raises my blood pressure but this one - My poor keyboard's taking a pounding!

Original poster

badlydawnxx · 02/07/2013 16:25

very isolated.

he'll be back soon.

I don't have any where to go. I need to stay in this area as i am waiting for a scan appt (to further complicate things). I have symptoms that indicate poss ov cancer, my mum was 50 when she died (breast cancer). im 42. h is the only person i have told. I take a lot of pain killers & don't get much sleep.

he's back.

OP posts:

turbochildren · 02/07/2013 16:40

I can understand your head is muddled, but please understand that it's him doing that to you. In reality I'm sure your head is not actually muddled. Please call Woman's Aid, or if you have any other domestic abuse helplines local to you. Call them all in fact! They'll say the same as people on here; he's being abusive, and is now going directly for the children. He wont see it that way, it's sadly pointless to try to talk to him as he'll just muddle your head further. ( I've had that experience many many times) I'm sure you can get help to get to your scan! Don't worry about that, you will have help.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/07/2013 16:43

Extra stress for you then and he isn't helping is he. Keep posting OP. Half the battle is acknowledging something's not right and asking for help.

tallwivglasses · 02/07/2013 16:56

Oh badly x

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 02/07/2013 20:28

I'm sorry, badly, things sound really tough for you. As someone commented earlier, though, the only way you're going to feel better about anything is away from him.

You said upthread that you know you have to leave him. Do you want to, though, or are you just saying what you think you ought to? That's a genuine question, because you seem to be putting forward a string of reasons not to act.

Or maybe he is turning all the things I feel vulnerable about against me? In that case, he is incredibly clever. but why do that to someone?

He probably believes (at some level and he may not acknowledge it) that he needs to keep you weak in order to keep you in the home running things for him and making his life sweet. He thinks he has a right to judge you and control your behaviour, tell you what you should change and what your flaws are, but he believes he is above criticism, God's gift to mankind. Do you ever see hints of beliefs along these lines?

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 02/07/2013 20:29

Could the holiday and his days away help you move forward with a plan to get out?

PeppermintPasty · 02/07/2013 20:34

This sounds like it will never improve, he will never change will he?

Please go and see a solicitor to get an idea of where you stand x

Original poster

badlydawnxx · 02/07/2013 21:42

thanks for replies. my phone has gone missing, again. i think H has it.

he has gone out for a couple of hours. before he went he patted me on the head - it sounds trivial, but i hate having my hair/head touched. h knows this.

he said 'oh, dear, look what a mess you are', while rubbing my head & messing my hair up.

i can't write down some of the things he has said, it's been a stream of nastiness, he's basically put down all the people who mean a lot to me.

h has DCs passports.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 02/07/2013 22:07

Is your H likely to try to take your DSs out of the country?

If so, report the passports as lost so they're cancelled.

Get legal advice, and quickly.

Mixxy · 03/07/2013 02:16

Get the passports, get the passports. Does he have them on him? If not, can you have a look around the house for where he has hidden them? If you can't locate them, report them missing and cancel them ASAP. Took your phone, did he. Clever little fucker.

The pat on the head says it all really, doesn't it? He's enjoying the power he thinks he has over you. You'll show him, won't you? Because you told your DS you would.

tallwivglasses · 04/07/2013 01:38

"he said 'oh, dear, look what a mess you are', while rubbing my head & messing my hair up."

That just made me shudder. Yuck.

CoolStoryBro · 04/07/2013 01:44

Wow. :( I started reading the thread thinking the child must be 15/16. I do think, as a complete one off, it's almost ok to say incredibly horrible things to very annoying teenagers as they push and push and push some more. We are all human.

BUT 9?!!! My youngest is 9 and if anyone (including DH) said anywhere near that comment to him, I would have their guts for garters. I am not a LTB type, but he would be getting very, very short shrift from me. Good luck OP.

Lweji · 04/07/2013 06:26

Get as much advice as possible, put things in place and get out with your children.
He sounds emotionally abusive to you and the children.

Where does he have the passports? At home?
Not that it matters that much. Even if you are abroad, you can report them lost or stolen.

Original poster

badlydawnxx · 04/07/2013 10:27

hello, youngest DS ill at moment. BUT i have made an appt to see solicitor next week!!! Dreading it, but they have said a lot of contact can be via email.

I've cancelled the passports.

thanks for advice

OP posts:

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 04/07/2013 10:57

Well done!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/07/2013 11:27

Great start well done! Hope your youngest gets well soon.

libertine73 · 04/07/2013 12:12

Hello dawn hope you're Ok,jesus this makes for horrible reading, your DS thinks his Dad is a bully at 9 years old :(

Please follow through with leaving him, for all your sakes, and never ever think this is your fault

Mixxy · 04/07/2013 17:09

Well done. Hope your youngest feels better soon. Keep usupdated.

SoImpatient80 · 26/07/2013 11:34

Would like to know how things are going now for you badlydawnxx

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