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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody AGAIN

47 replies

Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 16:57

It's me again a few weeks down the line from a previous thread I started and a similar thing has happened. I know most of you said " get rid" and I suppose you were right so why is it so ridiculously hard. I feel like I'm on a treadmill I can't get off but the same old stuff keeps going around.

This time all was ok over the weekend with him staying at mine until I started feeling very tired and not well last evening, I have two long term health conditions which fluctuate and sometimes I feel totally wiped out. So I went to bed early hence no sex( sometimes I feel like a sex provider) then I had to get up early to take car to be fixed whilst he slept in till 11. Not once did he ask how I was or make me a drink.

He's been in what I would call a sulk and barely speaking all day. I feel like I'm being treated with contempt, one or two word answers to everything but I bloody know if I were to hop into bed it would all be hunky Dorey afterwards. Where is the care, consideration and love. He knows I'm ill and am having nothing but trouble with my car which the garage is keeping for the second time overnight. He's just sloped off to bed again ( he is working tonight) but I know he wouldn't be doing this if he wasn't in a mood. I'm scared to have it out with him because I know it will cause a god awful row. How weak am I. I just don't know how he's managed to control me like this.

OP posts:
Doha · 01/07/2013 17:01

As previously said GET RID

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 17:06

Something is stopping me or making it so I can't take that step. What is wrong with me. We do have happy times but when he's like this my god it drags me down

OP posts:
BeCool · 01/07/2013 17:11

"Something is stopping me or making it so I can't take that step."
That something is inside of you.

You feel like you are being treated with contempt - you ARE!
Where is the care, consideration and love? Probably being held back until you provide sex. Then you will get a small about of "love".

You feel like you are on a treadmill because you are - you just have to hop off.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 17:20

Why can't I just "hop off" ? That's what I keep asking myself

The irony is he is ruining a great sex life because he is causing me to withhold sex due to his mood something I haven't done in the 3 yrs together. But I'm sick of this.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 01/07/2013 17:22

Can you hear yourself? Can you? He is ruining a great sex life cause he is making you withold....
Just get rid, leave it at that yeah.

Helennn · 01/07/2013 17:26

Its a question i keep asking myself. Why is it so bloody hard to make the decision to leave? It is the easiest thing to tell someone to do, but god, its hard to do.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 17:26

If I tried to end it I would get the usual " after all I've done for you" when he's like this I feel as though he actually dislikes me even though I've done nothing wrong apart from feel ill, go to bed early and feel down about my car oh and not have sex

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 17:31

Helennn are you in a similar situation?

OP posts:
OhTiger · 01/07/2013 17:37

I feel like I'm on a treadmill I can't get off

sometimes I feel like a sex provider

Not once did he ask how I was or make me a drink

He's been in what I would call a sulk and barely speaking all day

I feel like I'm being treated with contempt

Where is the care, consideration and love

Read what you wrote.

"This relationship isn't working for me any more and it's over. I'll bag up your things and they will be outside after work tomorrow"

Say it, text it, pop a note in his shreddies. He needs to go. You are worth more.

And as for I'm scared to have it out with him because I know it will cause a god awful row Well, good, then you get the chance to have a good yell, and it will STILL be over.

Good luck OP and remember, you get to choose who you have a relationship with, not him. You say it's over, he does not have to agree, but it still is.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 17:45

The actual method of doing it is the easy part, it's getting into the mindset to do it and believeing beyond doubt that its the right thing to do that I find so difficult. I think I still love him, we have lots of plans for the future, I love his kids and mine know him well and he has been good to them

I just can't explain how much of an arse he can be when he's like this and it's mostly connected to sex I think even though he would flatly deny that

OP posts:
OhTiger · 01/07/2013 18:27

It's definitely the right thing to. He sounds like a massive pain, and a terrible role model for your children. Unless of course your plans for the future include providing sex because otherwise he'll sulk like a baby, and walking on eggshells to keep him happy. which sound like crap plans to me x

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 19:08

My children are young adults and one doesn't live at home the other is hardly here so it doesn't affect them as such. His kids are a lot younger. I just can't believe we've spent most of the day not speaking, if I've tried to its just been one or two word replies and I'm the one who ended up feeling uncomfortable because I just stopped trying to make conversation.

He's left for work now with a kiss and an I love you as I won't see him for a week. I don't understand him

OP posts:
akaWisey · 01/07/2013 19:44

Stop trying to understand him and understand this:

You do more of the same, you GET more of the same.

Tis true enough OP.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 20:57

Yes I know people don't change but doesn't everyone have things they dislike about their partner? He has phoned me and is now speaking he strangely always seems better on the phone. He said to me " you've been in a mood or something since late yesterday and I've copped most of it" is he really that deluded?

I don't mind admitting if I'm in the wrong but I know it wasn't me in the mood it was him. Can people like that really not see it?

OP posts:
BeCool · 01/07/2013 21:13

You need to stop trying to figure out why he is behaving like this. He is. Just know that he is choosing his actions and to be the way he is.

The Lundy Bancroft book is worth a read. Eye opening!

myroomisatip · 01/07/2013 21:15

He is playing mind games with you, whether he is aware of it or not.

You wont win these games.

He does not love you.

He does not care about you.

He is manipulative and abusive.

You will end it, eventually, but it would be better to end it now than to prolong this painful and damaging relationship. (hug)

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 21:16

That's my problem, I always try to figure out why people do what they do. It's not just him I do it with others as well. I'm always too careful about being fair, not upsetting people ect and I end up coming off worst

OP posts:
akaWisey · 01/07/2013 21:16

Whether he means to upset you or not, he does so by choosing to behave that way.

That's reason enough to leave.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 21:18

Wow myroomisatip. Do you really think he doesn't love me?

I think your right that its all about mind games, as in he is trying to make me behave in a certain way or do certain things by treating me like this. Controlling me

OP posts:
captainmummy · 01/07/2013 21:20

So you are providing sex and other comforts, and if these are not forthcoming he is distant and moody?

He thinks you are in a mood becasue you have not been feeling well and therefore withholding him sex.

Doesn't sound like someone who loves you for you !

You say he is away for a week.. Can you have a think during that week as to what you want from this relationship?

akaWisey · 01/07/2013 21:20

So you're caught in the tender trap OP. Except it isn't tender is it?

The worst that can happen if you stop being so 'fair' and start standing up for what you know is right is that he'll move on, thereby releasing you from doing what you find so hard but want to do. The best that can happen is you'll realise that being assertive isn't a crime and it doesn't damage other people, it actually stops them from manipulating you and THAT'S ALL.

Win-win either way, surely?

MissStrawberry · 01/07/2013 21:26

So what has he done for you and is it amazing enough to make up for him treating you like shit?

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 21:44

You are all so right in what you have said thank you for your replies.

Captainmummy: yes I feel as though he doesn't love me for ME only if things are going his way

Akawisey: your right that I should be assertive however with him it's impossible to win or have a mature discussion as he has away of tying me in knots. He has an answer for everything and I either end up feeling at fault OR I will stick to my guns and it ends in an almighty row OR if he realises I'm not backing down he storms out or ends it BUT he doesn't mean it and rings me

MissStrawberry: he's not done anything out of the ordinary really. Helped with my garden and DIY but he stays here a lot

OP posts:
themidwife · 01/07/2013 21:55

If he loved you he would look after you when ill, wouldn't manipulate you or sulk if you don't want to have sex. He is a man child & it's all about him isn't it? Set yourself free love! There are lots of grown up men out there!

Original poster
Dearjackie · 01/07/2013 22:05

THEMIDWIFE I am assuming its because I wasn't up for it last night or today but he would deny this. There's nothing else I can put it down to though. I have never said to him that its all about him but funnily enough he has said that me. He thinks its all about me, unless he is projecting

Strangely he said the same of his ex wife, it was all about her and she was selfish!

OP posts: