End of Affair - update

[HeyFeverrr]

I can?t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM?s, as I haven?t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do ? tell the OM / don?t tell him, tell DH / don?t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ?something important? and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn?t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ?news?, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don?t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ?you are obviously on the warpath and I don?t want to argue with you?. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can?t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair ? this is it. It?s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

[LittlePeaPod]

Was this a mistake though, as the Op actually says herself in the previous thread (see Ops link) "we began an affair deliberately and with our eyes wide open nine months ago". I don't believe disagreeing with the Op and the cheating husbands behaviour and having little sympathy now its blown up, makes anyone nasty or uncaring or on their high horse. People just don't agree with it and if you come on this sort of public forum then expect and be prepared to get everyone's opinion.

I don't think arguing about what we all think is helping her. She needs to take ownership of the problems she faces and seek help from her RL loved one and friends.

[DHtotalnob]

Hi OP. If you feel Friday would be more bearable with someone to go with and you're in London I can come along. I understand that it is difficult to share this with RL friends, so maybe a non-judgemental MNer is an alternative?

[juneblues]

For all the venom I currently have for those women and men who have affairs and wreck the lives of their families and other families, I also have some compassion for the OP at this time. I'd never want to go through with a termination in these circumstances, I'd feel pretty shit if I were the OP reading some of these comments. I do think in time she should tell her dh what she has done, but not right at this moment, it is surely too much for her to do. I also feel enormous compassion for all those hurt by the OP, but she is also a human being and don't forget it when posting.

[gertrudetrain]

I think the pregnancy was definitely a mistake. The affair was a long term deception, I agree, but OP has already said she has been acting impulsively and not herself lately. I think there is an awful lot more occurring in this situation than just a selfish woman getting her kicks by cheating with an ex.

I don't want to suggest anything out of order OP but a few things you have said about your behaviour and thoughts have set alarm bells ringing. Combined with your history of severe PND and the revelation about your husbands affair I think there is an awful lot that needs addressing (probably by a trained professional) in your life. Sorry if I'm crossing the line.

[MexicanHat]

That's lovely DH Very sorry you are going through this OP, I wouldn't wish it on anyone x

[gertrudetrain]

DHtotalknob that is so lovely. You have restored a bit of faith in humanity.

[shameshame]

Just to add that a termination (if that is your definite decision) does not have to haunt you for the rest of your days if it is the right and considered choice. You CAN and WILL move on from it.

[AnyFucker]

No woman should go through a termination alone. That I utterly agree with. DH that was a lovely offer.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Your offer is really kind, DHtotalnob, just wanted to add my voice to the others telling you that.

[EldritchCleavage]

OP is in real distress. People are helping. This does not involve behaving as though she has done no wrong, it is just ordinary human compassion, to assist with the fallout, which is pretty awful in this case. I've done it in RL (affairs, terrible misdeeds at work etc) and I'm prepared to do it on here.

OP, whatever else you do, please don't be alone. Post if it helps, but best of all, talk to someone in RL about your situation.

[AnAirOfHope]

OP pls get counciling before Friday, make sure you can live with what ever decission you make regarding the baby. Its your body and your life you need to make the right chose for you and only you.

You have choses and options here. Stop and consider them carefully.

Good luck for the future

[FacebookAnonymous]

You need to tell your husband. I can't believe that anyone is even encouraging you to continue with the deceit and the lies. If you are serious about stopping all of the deception and crap then you need to tell him, before Oms wife does.

[juneblues]

OP said she will tel her husband, but right now might be a bit too much for him and her, only she is going to know. She has been honest in her admissions of wrongs, so she should hopefully manage to make the decision to tell all when the time is right. In an ideal world, the husband should know now, but we're all humans, we're fallible, we are full of emotions, it might just be too much to handle termination and tell all in the same week.

[Wellwobbly]

How are you HF?

You have shown a lot of courage, lack of excuses and taking the reality on the chin, so you deserve our support.

I am seeing a revenge/reaction affair here, similar to Gehj and Imnotafraiditisonlytheinternet?

So your H is still the focus of your emotions and I wish you and him the best of luck as you try to resolve this.

Throw yourself on his mercy and take that on the chin too. It is the only thing you can do. A pregnancy after all, is proof that you had sex. No more and no less.

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

gertrudetrain - You talk a lot of sense.


OP - What an absolutely awful situation for you to be in. Whilst I'm usually far from sympathetic to those people who have chosen to have affairs nobody is perfect. Some of us make massive fuck ups and people find out and we get slated. Some of us fuck up and it goes unnoticed so we get to be all judgmental and pretend that we're perfect.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And I do think that telling your husband is the right thing to do here, if you're to have a fighting chance of saving your relationship then you need to start with a clean slate.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Heyy - you sound in a complete state :( I feel for you dealing with this on your own, you certainly didn't get pregnant on your own. The OM has acted like a complete and utter shit - he cared enough to want to shag you, he cared enough to want to keep seeing you even when his wife found out, he should have cared enough to have supported you through this. There is no reasonable excuse for him to have treat you this badly. Even if I was his wife, I would be seriously disappointed in him if he let you go through this alone - he should be man enough to deal with the complications of having had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy.

I agree that you need to tell your husband about your pregnancy before you have a termination. He needs to know what you are going through (and he's hardly been squeeky clean himself - so he has no right to 'kick off') in case it does go badly & you need medical help afterwards.

However, given that he may choose (hypocritically) to leave you when he finds out you have had an affair as well - you need to decide what YOU want to do about this pregnancy. Are you sure that a termination is what you want to do? Have you thought about keeping the baby? How would you feel if you had a termination then your husband left anyway? Would you regret having had the termination?

Your marriage has been a complete car crash - IF you want to stay married to your DH, you both need to get everything out in the open and start again - you cannot start to rebuild your marriage and not tell him about this - you just can't.

[NicknameIncomplete]

I think u should speak to your husband about the whole situation.

Why he had an affair but didnt tell u for years?

Why he chose to tell you after so long?

Why you sent the first text to OM wanting to meet only 2 months after ur husbands revelation?

Why u had an affair?

Both of u have been in the wrong at one point in ur marriage & i think for u to move forward everything needs to be worked on.

You really should have someone with u on friday.

[ImperialBlether]

Hang on a minute, everyone.

Everyone is so sorry for her husband, but he had an affair and kept it secret for eight years. He told her to relieve his own guilt. Throughout those eight years they'd had bad times; I would imagine some of those times were caused by his affair.

OP, I think you should say to your husband, "You know you had that affair and kept it quiet for eight years? Well, shortly after you told me about it I started an affair myself. I feel awful about it, just as you did. There's the added complication that although I took precautions, just as you did, I've found out I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a termination on Friday. I know you'll find this difficult to deal with, just as I found it difficult to deal with your affair. And by the way, it was by luck rather than by design that your OW didn't get pregnant and find herself in my situation. There is absolutely no difference in our situations."

[ImperialBlether]

Whereabouts are you, OP? North west here if you need help on Friday.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Imperial - where in my post do I sound the slightest bit sorry for her husband?

[AnyFucker]

< puts hand up >

I feel sorry for the husband. I feel sorry for the whole bloody lot of 'em. Not one of them sounds happy, contented or at peace with themselves

that is something to pity, IMO

[ImperialBlether]

Chipping, I wasn't referring to you! Just the general feeling was that her husband was blameless, when he actually started it all.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Imperial - then perhaphs it would be wiser to say 'some people' not everyone... I don't appreciate being lumped in with people who are feeling sorry for a stupid bastard who has brought this (and worse) on himself.