End of Affair - update

[HeyFeverrr]

I can?t believe I am posting this here. It is out of sheer desperation.

My original post is here. I really appreciate that most people did not flame me on that thread, and were in fact hugely helpful.

I found out that I am pregnant not long after posting that. It is definitely the OM?s, as I haven?t had sex with my husband for months. I went into a complete panic. Spoke to BPAS, saw someone the following day and got the ball rolling for a termination. I was in complete shock and did not handle this situation well, I know. I was changing my mind from minute to minute about what to do ? tell the OM / don?t tell him, tell DH / don?t tell him. I asked to meet the OM (via text) to discuss ?something important? and he agreed, only to cancel the following morning. He called to say he needs to work on his marriage and doesn?t want to see me again etc. I was art work, about to go in to a meeting, and had to put the phone down on him, as felt I was going to cry and say something I would regret. I called him later to see if we could talk and he ignored my calls. I thentexted him to tell him my ?news?, but had no reply. Stupid texts, I dont know why I did that. i was all over the place. Cue several hysterical texts from me over the next 24 hours asking him if he thought it was fair that I should handle this alone etc? I don?t know what I wanted or expected him to do. he has proved himself to be a complete bastard.

Over the weekend, I completely lost it. Texted him a few times begging him to at least discuss it with me. Eventually, I received a reply saying ?you are obviously on the warpath and I don?t want to argue with you?. That was it. I just totally lost it, tried to call him, got no reply. Then texted his wife and told her. I don't know why. Out of spite , possibly. Desperation? I know it was stupid and immature and I do not know what came over me.

My emotions are a complete mess. I have heard nothing from either of them, anyway, so it was a pointless exercise. I have a gut feeling that he does not believe me. This is what hurts most. That, and the fact that I will now have to pay for and go through with a termination totally alone. I am also sick with guilt over keeping this from my husband, but cannot imagine how hurt he will be if I tell him. It is a complete mess, of my own making I know. I am just filled with rage at him, at myself, and terrible grief already, without even going through with the abortion.

I have a termination (by tablet) booked for Friday, and then have to go back for the second lot of pills on Monday. I have a counselling appointment with Relate (alone) tonight, that I booked before I found out I was pregnant. I have an incredibly heavy week at work this week. I feel like I am going to fall apart. But I can?t. I need to gather my strength and face this and do the right (or best) thing. I just need some kind of advice or some wise words from some stronger, better women right now, as I feel I am a complete fraud and no longer trust my own judgement.

I suppose if anyone is looking for a story that will put you off having an affair ? this is it. It?s a complete joke. I regret everything. All of it.

[loveliesbleeding1]

Yes anyfucker I agree

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

While I can see your point, OP, I think you are playing with your husbands cards now.

You obviously don't want to add to the drama and pain, and that's understandable, but it's also selfish. A third party knows about the affair. You are pregnant. You need support. Your husband will try to provide it, because he loves you (presumably.) I'm not sure that your need to do damage limitation overrides his right to know, right now.

Think about it. If you decide that you are doing the right thing, then fair enough, go ahead. But for what it's worth, I think there is a lot to be said for telling him everything, clearing the air and starting again without any of this hanging over you. It'll hurt a lot more when your husband finds out from someone else, especially when he realises what is actually happening on Friday night. Whatever you pass it off as, he'll know, when he realises that you were pregnant.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Agree with AF too. That is a very real possibility and Hey, your husband needs to know. I said that upthread too but not for that reason.

[Branleuse]

I really struggle to see how people can quite happily deceive and betray everyone around them, but are beyond desperatly upset when the shit hits the fan and the logical consequences that everyone else could have predicted, actually materialise.

Imagine if the OP was male and this situation was reversed ffs

OPs husband had it coming too as he had an affair, so maybe it needs to just all go on jeremy kyle and be done with it.

eugh

people make me sick sometimes

[Branleuse]

*branleuse, is that really helpful etc etc. I know

[AnAirOfHope]

Its like a plaster you just need to rip it off and start healing. Get it over with and move on with your life.

[BerkshireMum]

What a horrible situation OP. I really feel for you. We've all made bad choices at sometime, fortunately most don't have such terrible consequences.

I'm not clear how you really feel about the pregnancy. Is your decision to terminate just because it's OM's? Would you feel the same if it was H's baby?

Emotions round a termination are so complex and last forever. It may seem to be the easier option now, and it may be the right one for you or not. However, as others have pointed out, it's not a secret you can or should keep from your H long-term. With that in mind, would you still want to go ahead? Or at least give yourself thinking time?

I'm not trying to persuade you one way or the other, I just want you to be sure you're not making a decision you'll regret for the wrong reasons.

Take care. Lots of support here.

[wannaBe]

tbh I am quite at the levels of sympathy directed at the op. If this was a wife posting that her h had got someone pregnant but was remorseful etc would he be getting sympathy? I don't think so. double standards abound again I see...

[gertrudetrain]

branleause if you struggle with it then you obviously don't give much thought to the human condition. People do behave selfishly and deceitfully and then get upset when it blows up in their face. It happens all the time.

If the OP wasn't beyond upset about this situation then she would either be a robot or sociopath. She's neither, so she has emotions. If other people's mistakes and emotions make you sick then when/if you or your loved ones ever fuck up you should make sure to keep your emotions righteously in check.

[AnyFucker]

I think you would have to be a robot or a sociopath to not feel sorry for OP, actually, and despite how abominably she has acted even I can't bring myself to pile in with the recriminations (or at least to keep them up the face of her distress)

What would be the point ??

[AnyFucker]

in

[gertrudetrain]

Rubbish, wannabe, do you think that we're all so stupid enough to limit empathy to people who happen to have a vagina? If a man or woman comes on here in acute emotional distress I will empathise. It doesn't matter if I judge their behaviour to be different to how I would do things , I'm sure a lot of people have judged me when I've made my many and varied mistakes, I can still offer words of support surely?

[worsestershiresauce]

OP, please tell your husband. What hurts a partner most from any affair is the lies, concealment, and emotional detachment. The sex part is largely incidental. If you want any hope of a future with him be really really open and honest. He will find out eventually, and probably already suspects.

As for the termination are you really sure? There's no going back from one, and the emotional implications are life long. Also (I think) you need someone with you for 24 hours afterwards just in case. Your DH needs to know so that he can help you if there is a problem.

Good luck. So you messed up, but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack you when you ask for help.

[yamsareyammy]

wannaBe
Yes, I hope and think some people would be sympathetic if a H was remorseful about what he had done.

[gertrudetrain]

Exactly AF, what is the point in piling on the judgement/ recriminations. I think OP is fully aware of the horror of the situation, how could you not feel for her?

[Branleuse]

Ive certainly made mistakes, but i do struggle with long term deception. Certainly dont have sympathy for it, nor would i expect to get sypathy or help from strangers for admitting to this sort of shit


I think the OP is abusive

[Branleuse]

high horse??? Jesus.

[yamsareyammy]

Branleuse, do you not forgive anyone?
So when you make mistakes and say sorry and regret them, you shouldnt be forgiven either?

[gertrudetrain]

Maybe we should stop derailing the thread arguing about whether OP deserves support or not? I'll hold my hands up to being one of the derailers and I apologise. Arguing amongst ourselves about it might put OP off posting. OP hope you are OK? prom was right, Samaritans are a great listening ear. They've heard it all. Maybe talking out loud might ease your upset?

[wannaBe]

as I said previously, part of putting right the mistakes is taking responsibility for them. By refusing to tell her husband, having a termination in secret and not telling him about the level of deception the op is continuing with the "mistake,"

Yes, everyone makes mistakes and no-one deserves to be judged for ever for those mistakes. But equally it's important to accept blame for those mistakes in order to put them right and move forward. Carrying on the lies and secrecy is not putting things right it is hoping that you'll never actually be held to account.