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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Once a week

43 replies

HMG83 · 01/07/2013 10:02

I don't know where to begin really. I just can't believe it's come to this.
I've been seeing the love of my life for a couple of years, we started off with a great sex life but this year it's literally dwindled overnight to once a week.
It's been like this for months now, I've tried everything.

It's at the point where I am crying myself to sleep because of the constant rejection and excuses.
I dress up or walk around naked but don't even get a grope anymore.

I don't know what to do, I can't bear much more rejection. I feel ugly and worthless.

We are both early 30's, he's under a lot of pressure at work and says he feels down but he's so unopen to anything.

It's like he's shut down. I can't mention it because I get called a sex machine or sex maniac. What the hell?

I don't want to end it because there's not enough sex for me (I'd compromise at twice a week but he's having none of it) but at the same time I can't feel like shit all the time. It's affecting my work because I'm grumpy and miserable with so many "why doesn't he want me" thoughts going round my head.

Sorry, I just had to get this down because he just won't listen!

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 01/07/2013 10:20

Once a week is probably normal for a large number of couples. In fact, there are probably lots who would love to be having sex once a week.

It's been a couple of months and there is a specific reason for it (ie, he's under a lot of pressure at work) and you're already finding this a problem? How would you feel if you were, say, breastfeeding and didn't want to have sex at all and your partner were hassling you for sex at least twice a week?

Original poster
HMG83 · 01/07/2013 10:31

I'm not going to be having children, so I can't think along those lines.

I have a very high sex drive and I'm being made to feel like a freak.

It's the complete lack of communication, the change has been so sudden and there is zero compromise.

I'm sorry that other people would kill to be having sex once a week but I'd kill to be having a lot more! Knowing that's not on the cards I'm prepared to compromise but I've been met with silence when it never used to be like this.

Is that fair to make someone feel so worthless and ugly by constant rejection and no communication about it?

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 01/07/2013 10:39

With respect, it's very hard to talk about compromising when it comes to making someone do something they really don't feel that they can do. And, let's be blunt, may not physically be able to do! You can't just make a guy get an erection if they really don't want to.

However, if he is not prepared to at least talk about this - for instance, perhaps discussing you giving each other a sensual massage and kissing midweek in place of penetrative sex which might also help him unwind from the pressures at work - then that is an issue. He may find it that if he can do that, it may naturally lead to sex. But if it doesn't, you have to accept that. At the moment, if you are pestering him for sex, he will be feeling pressure at work and pressure from you, rather than support. That is unlikely to produce the result you want.

You also have to accept and realise that there are very few relationships where sex remains totally constant every week, every month, every year. We all of us have illness or outside pressure or loss of libido or we just get into a pattern after the early times of going at it like rabbits. It would be unreasonable for you to expect that every partner you may have will ALWAYS be able to perform to your expected routine.

You may have to accept that your sex drives are not compatible anyway. You just have to decide if your need for sex is more important than being with the man you say is the love of your life.

BitBewildered · 01/07/2013 10:42

Do you have an affectionate relationship generally? Are you kind to each other and considerate? Are you both able to communicate?

The example of breastfeeding could be translated to illness. Lots of things affect sex drive and if you are in the relationship for the long term this sort of thing will probably happen from time to time. If my DH was putting pressure on for sex when I didn't want it I would be seriously unimpressed.

I hope you manage to work it out.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 10:43

Ugh, you sound like a sexual predator.

Leave the poor man alone.

Kione · 01/07/2013 10:52

Shock at Anyfucker, thats not gery nice, she asked for advice FGS

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 01/07/2013 10:53

Kione - and your advice is....??

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 10:53

If a bloke posted about behaviour like this he would be pasted from one end of MN to the other.

And rightly so. Why would such bullying and pushy tactics be viewed any differently because a woman is meting them out ?

Original poster
HMG83 · 01/07/2013 10:59

Sorry AF, where have I bullied him? I came here because I can't communicate with him because he refuses to talk about it.

Not sure how that translates to bullying!!!

I've never been in this situation before. Even in a longterm relatuonship (8years) we were still a few times a week but when one was ill it was discussed and reassurance was given.

There's none of that here, just a brick wall.

If I want affection I have to ask for it. If I didn't ask for kisses or cuddles I don't get.

OP posts:
joblot · 01/07/2013 11:04

In my experience being pestered for sex is the biggest turn off. Either look long and hard at your relationship- if it's good, then work out a compromise, and or sort out your self esteem- not wanting sex daily is not always about not fancying someone, rather some of us have other priorities. Like I said, pressure usually has the opposite effect

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 01/07/2013 11:04

OK, so initially your post was about lack of sex.

Now you tell us that you don't get kisses or cuddles unless you ask.

Yet this is supposedly the love of your life?

So, not enough sex, no affection and poor communication. Now, if you'd just told us that properly in the first place, we'd probably have just said LEAVE. Always better not to drip feed.

BitBewildered · 01/07/2013 11:05

Well everyone has the right to refuse sex. It is unreasonable to try to coerce them into changing their mind and is likely to result in resentment and further damage to the relationship.

schobe · 01/07/2013 11:07

You're both stuck in a vicious circle now I think. All your efforts, eg walking around naked, dressing up, asking for kisses/cuddles are probably being interpreted as pressure for sex. He may feel that if he responds too much, it will be taken as a sign that he's interested and sex will follow. Feeling under pressure like that is horrible too, so perhaps you're both feeling awful, not just you.

I'm not saying you're wrong to try to get things going or ask for your needs to be met, or that he's wrong to avoid and shut down. But both sets of behaviours are not working and are making the other partner feel crap.

I think this is a very common and destructive cycle to be stuck in. You need to talk openly and/or get some kind of counselling. However his response in calling you a sex maniac does not bode well for him being able to talk rationally about this and admit some sort of fault in the situation tbh.

BitBewildered · 01/07/2013 11:08

X-post. If there is no communication and no affection then the relationship is, frankly, up shit creek.

SuckAtRelationships · 01/07/2013 11:13

I think some posters have been unfair. I wouldn't have slammed a guy for this because it doesn't sound like bullying or anything mean. Just one party wanting sex and the other not.

It doesn't sound like a good relationship in general OP. Have a good hard think about whether you really want this.

piprabbit · 01/07/2013 11:17

I find it very peculiar that when someone is ill they actually need to have a discussion about why they don't fancy having sex right now.

It sounds like sex is being used a a shorthand for all sorts of other important aspects of a relationship - so everything is OK if there is lots of sex, but an absence of sex suggests that the whole relationship is teetering on the verge of collapse.

I don't think that you can compromise on the number of times you have sex - how would you even have that conversation? It's not a discussion about household chores.

jemstipp · 01/07/2013 11:21

I think stop thinking about sex and work on the intimacy side. Do you sit together to eat or even just cuddle up watching tv. Simple things like this can bring the connection back. Asking for kisses and parading around are pressuring and most people will back off from such advances. Try having your meals together and just talking about trivial things, nothing serious. Sit on the couch together even if you just lie with your legs across him. Maybe go to bed a little earlier instead of when you feel tired.

OrangeLily · 01/07/2013 11:23

Long term relationships go through this kind of thing but should also bounce back. With DH I know we've gone through a few stages were we've actually gone for months without it. Bereavement, illness, stress, just not wanting to. Generally, we're a few times a week although DH would probably go less if left to his own devices because of his job. You cannot simply demand things off him.

I'd you were a man posting this thread you'd slated as being some kind of sex pest.

jemstipp · 01/07/2013 11:25

Haha Orange Lily NI?

ChloeR32 · 01/07/2013 11:25

I can empathise and I have a similar situation here. H away so much that we're almost room mates. It is very frustrating when the other person refuses to discuss and then get angry. I have not spoken of it for months now and no change - this is a man that would get turned on by a wobbly blancmange and suddenly nothing. I have heard that one of the most common reasons for a lck of sex-drive is repressed anger at the other patner - and I think this might be the case for me, I've been unhappy for a while although I think the lack of intimacy has added to this. I've just 'switched off'.
I have no idea what advice to give -other than I can fully understand how frightening this can be. To have someone change overnight really does make you question yourself and your relationship, it can feel as if you're trapped.
Your not married - I would consider rethinking the relationship - otherwise this might be it for life.
Although I would settle for once a week - I've been on the receiving of nothing for more than a year.
Good luck,
C x
PS: (I've been away from boards for ages - DS sudden illness - now Ok but scary for a while and house move)

eurozammo · 01/07/2013 11:27

I don't think once a week is unusual once you are into long term relationship territory. If it's not enough for you and compromise is not happening, then you have to decide if you can live with it or if it is time to move on.

BTW, I went with live with it and am happy with my decision.

OrangeLily · 01/07/2013 11:27

Jenstipp... Sorry I don't understand. Are you asking me something?

bolshieoldcow · 01/07/2013 11:28

If it was going to be once a week for the next ten years, could you cope? Or is high frequency of sex a relationship deal-breaker?

It sounds like there's other stuff going on in the relationship that neither of you is dealing with very well. He's feeling under pressure from work and from you, while you feel rejected and hurt because your needs aren't being addressed. But the underlying thing has to be love and affection. If that's not there, if you're not actually caring deeply about the other person's feelings/worries/inner life regardless of what they do for you then no amount of fucking is going to fix the relationship.

SourSweets · 01/07/2013 12:13

I can empathise with this as I've always felt that I've had a slightly higher sex drive than my husband, but I don't think taking it personally or seeing it as confirmation at you are unattractive is the right way to deal with it, necessarily. Over time I came to accept that I wouldn't be having sex as frequently as I was used to, with my husband, because I respect that he is sometimes too stressed, too tired or whatever. It has nothing to do with how attractive he finds me or how much he loves me. Our situation has changed recently and I am so glad I never pestered him for sex because now I am pregnant and have hardly wanted to do it at all. We've had sex maybe 6 times in the last 8 and a half months and he's shown me exactly the same respect and understanding that I have shown to him in the past by not making me feel bad for not being sexual. You never know when the tables are going to turn and you'll be the one being pestered for sex and not wanting it.

jemstipp · 01/07/2013 12:16

Was just asking where you from N.Ireland