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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Once a week

43 replies

HMG83 · 01/07/2013 10:02

I don't know where to begin really. I just can't believe it's come to this.
I've been seeing the love of my life for a couple of years, we started off with a great sex life but this year it's literally dwindled overnight to once a week.
It's been like this for months now, I've tried everything.

It's at the point where I am crying myself to sleep because of the constant rejection and excuses.
I dress up or walk around naked but don't even get a grope anymore.

I don't know what to do, I can't bear much more rejection. I feel ugly and worthless.

We are both early 30's, he's under a lot of pressure at work and says he feels down but he's so unopen to anything.

It's like he's shut down. I can't mention it because I get called a sex machine or sex maniac. What the hell?

I don't want to end it because there's not enough sex for me (I'd compromise at twice a week but he's having none of it) but at the same time I can't feel like shit all the time. It's affecting my work because I'm grumpy and miserable with so many "why doesn't he want me" thoughts going round my head.

Sorry, I just had to get this down because he just won't listen!

OP posts:

Missbopeep · 01/07/2013 12:22

When you say you have been seeing the love of your life for 2 years- does this mean you don't live together?

If not, then in your shoes I'd be looking at the whole set up and wondering where it was heading.

Do you want to live together? (If you aren't?)

If you 'mention' it to him ( the lack of sex) how do you do it? From his response, he sounds threatened.

Nothing will turn him off more than being badgered and made to feel inadequate.

Is there any chance he is a) seeing someone else or b) wants to end your relationship but lacks the balls to say so and hopes you will get the message and do it instead?

purrpurr · 01/07/2013 12:24

I can empathise OP. In previous relationships I had sex four times a week. In my current relationship I haven't had sex since August, and before that, it was once every few months for the last five years. My self esteem is well and truly dead. Good luck to you. :(

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 01/07/2013 12:26

purr - with respect, there is a big difference between "only" having sex once a week and having had no sex for almost a year. I think you have FAR more right to moan than the OP.

And I say that as someone who ended up in a sexless relationship. Like you, my self esteem went through the floor. So I LEFT. We all have a choice. If you are that unhappy about it, purr, and have tried exploring avenues of communication and/or therapy, then leave.

OrangeLily · 01/07/2013 12:30

Sorry no I'm not from NI!

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 12:31

anyone has a right to want more or less sex in a relationship whether it be a duration of weeks or years, tbh

like Jess said though, we have a choice

pressurising, pestering and using emotional blackmail tactics however, are rarely going to give you the outcome you wish for

Kione · 01/07/2013 12:37

I didn't have good advice, so I didn't say anything. Reading AF reply just felt for the OP. Sexual predator!?!
I am in a similar situation but the other way round. And I explain to DP why dont I feel like having sex. I think OPs husband is being a bit unfair in not talking to her.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 12:48

I would hate to feel that I was under pressure to put out when I didn't want to

I would find it intimidating to have someone parading around naked in a blatant attempt to guilt me into sex I didn't want

I would feel pressured by someone making it clear they were crying themselves to sleep and not performing well at work because I wasn't giving them enough sex

I would recoil from someone "doing everything they could" in asking for intimacy and for it to be obvious they meant "sex"

I would call a man that did that a sexual predator, even in his own home, with his own partner

Why not a woman ?

Unless of course this man is a controlling nightmare who with holds affection to punish her for something. But Op hasn't said anything about that., so we can only go off her own described behaviour.

Matildathecat · 01/07/2013 12:52

I think lots of men just find talking about sex/ lack of sex impossible. Easier to ignore than admit to a problem. As others have said parading naked etc putting more pressure on him and vicious circle begins.

The fact that you feel so rejected is maybe a separate issue...is part of your high sex drive the fact that it makes you feel wanted and attractive?

I have been married a long time and yes, there will always be times when there is lots of sex and times when it doesn't happen. That's life. If you value this man let it go. Show him your love in non sexual ways and cut him some slack. Tell him you understand things are a bit rough for him and you want to help.

It's about compromise but also playing the long game. This is more likely to succeed that your current tactics.

Also, lots of men aren't good at hugs, cuddles and kisses that aren't about sex. They just associate the two. I know that's not ideal but it's still true.

Tweasels · 01/07/2013 13:08

Sometimes I don't cuddle or kiss DH because I know I don't want sex and he seems to have difficulty differentiating between the two.

Maybe your other half is the same. You are not in the wrong by wanting it more but I think having sex once a week is reasonable in a long term relationship. It certainly wouldn't suggest that you should feel unloved.

You sound quite insecure. Does he show you he loves you in other ways?

Missbopeep · 01/07/2013 13:24

I'd define a predator as someone who roams looking for sex, and not much else- be that by trawling dating sites, bars etc, wherever. And where the woman ( for sake of argument here) is vulnerable, naive or unsuspecting.

So I don't agree this poster is that.

She's in a relationship with this man. It would be more accurate to say they have very mismatched libidos. Her behaviour is aggressive perhaps and manipulative, and counterproductive .

OP- if you keep doing the same thing you'll get the same results. Why should you expect anything different from the same behaviour? You've seen it doesn't work, so applying it with a shovel aint gonna change things!

First rule of relationships- you can't change another person . You can only change you- so what you going to do?

Viking1 · 01/07/2013 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotBurrito1 · 01/07/2013 17:56

He does want you, you are still having sex. It's not about you being worthless or ugly. He just doesn't want it as often.

Oblomov · 01/07/2013 19:37

I think it's unfair to refer to it as bullying. My best friend has a very high sex drive. At least once every day. She is now in a long term relationship with Ann who wants exactly the same.
Me? Once in a blue moon is fine with me!!
But, with you OP, I see this as a deal breaker.

Oblomov · 01/07/2013 19:41

Not Ann. My friend is now with a MAN who wants the same.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2013 19:57

I was going to say, it's not me...

Katnisscupcake · 01/07/2013 19:57

Op, I am going to tell you about my experience, but it is only my experience and may not mean the same for you... I hope not anyway.

When I was with my ex I was desperate for sex. We would do it 4-5 times a day (I was much younger though). Then suddenly one day without warning, I just didn't want to do it with him anymore. I was devastated because something just didn't feel right between us. I didn't see him in the same way anymore. If I am honest, I stopped fancying him. I have no idea why and the worst bit was that there was no trigger and it literally happened overnight.

I actually stayed with him for another two years, pretty much not having sex in all that time, putting the stomach wrenching feeling that something just wasn't right to the back of my mind for all that time. Eventually I met someone at work. Nothing happened between us but it made me realise that I could be attracted to someone else and made my mind up. I left my ex.

As I said, I hope that this isn't what has happened to your dp, just sharing what I went through. You need to ask him though...

kittybiscuits · 01/07/2013 20:07

Hi HMG83, sorry to hear your sex life has deteriorated so suddenly. You sound very hurt and disappointed. I am shocked to think some posters think you should be happy with once a week. I don't agree. If you have maintained a good sex life until very recently, of course this is very difficult for you and you are entitled to your feelings about the significant change. Sexual needs should not just be relegated to being unimportant. Your libido is part of you and you should not feel bad about that. I do understand that it impacts on your self esteem. The crucial thing, IMO, is how the two of you are communicating about this, and how much effort he is making to consider how this change impacts on you. I agree with Chloe, set yourself a timeframe and reconsider the relationship.

Sallystyle · 01/07/2013 20:08

Sexual predator? Really?

Jesus.. that is a really strong word to use based on a few sentences. I do not see where the OP is bullying or acting like a predator. I think him calling her a sex maniac for wanting sex more than once a week is out of line.

OP.. I do think you need to stop trying to talk about it a bit and 'back off' so to speak. Most of us go through stages where we don't want as much sex, it is just a part of life. If this has only been going on for a short while I would just assume that it is a stage and that things will bounce back in time.

Give it some more time and see what happens, when I don't want much sex it has nothing to do with my husband and my love or attraction to him, I just don't want sex as much and a part of being in a relationship is accepting that at times it happens and being patient.

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