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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you deal with people who always want things on *their* terms?

33 replies

motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 08:43

We've spent a disastrous weekend with MIL. She picked and picked at dh (mostly while I wasn't there/ busy) and he got more and more introverted and snappy with the rest of us.

Dh is a fan of a quiet life so didn't confront his mum, instead he tried ignoring her comments but they got to him.

I have suggested to dh that he needs some stock answers - along the lines of "did you mean to be so rude?" :)
But I've been thinking about it and I've realised that the problem is MIL wants everything on her terms all the time. Eg the dc must play the game she wants -not the one they're doing, they must play on the swings so she can push them - not climb the climbing frame, we should take 1 car when we go out - but then she criticises dh's driving etc. Hmm

It has totally got to dh who felt she was criticising him and his dc and his parenting. :(

So, how do you deal with someone who wants everything on their terms? Confused

OP posts:
Isoscelesnorks · 01/07/2013 09:05

Do we have the same MIL?

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 09:10

:) unfortunately we are the only ones married/ with dc in our generation.

Is this a really common MIL thing? Confused

Weirdly dh says my mum is fine as she just gets stuck in and helps and lets the dc do what they want (within reason) :)

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/07/2013 09:11

Distance yourselves.

How much do you see MIL? If once a year - you might be thinking it's worth gritting your teeth for the sake of seeing her. If once a fortnight or more - far too often to suck up this kind of behaviour. And a poor example of family harmony to set your DC.

How far away is she? You say spent a weekend - do you have to stay/have her to stay? Would day visits be an option?

Look first at some serious distancing, because the likely outcome of that is that she will notice, and ask you why. And then you can tell her...

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 09:12

Actually isosceles... Is your MIL divorced? Was your dh some sort of emotional crutch for her?
Just wondering where this behaviour comes from? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 09:24

jim - we used to live 50 mins away so would go for a day trip every 4-6 weeks.
We have moved for dh's work so are now about 3h away. It's too far for a day trip - especially as the dc are still small (4&2yo).

I don't think distancing ourselves would help, and possibly wouldn't be noticed tbh. MIL has started complaining that we live so far away but when we've invited her she has often been busy when we've been free, and vice versa.

I really don't want to suck it up as the atmosphere is no fun for the dc and they will start to notice soon.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2013 09:30

You have to distance yourselves both physically and emotionally from such people who do suck the joy out of life.

Both of you need and must maintain a united front with regards to his mother. His boundaries re her certainly need to be raised a lot higher than they currently are, he is allowing her to do this to him.

Your H has had a lifetime of such conditioning at the hands of his mother and as such does find it difficult if not impossible to stand up for his own self. He seems to have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt in spades. As he has also seen this past weekend, trying to ignore pointed remarks does not work either. He has to realise that he is really not dealing with an emotionally healthy functioning person in his mother so the "normal" ways of dealing with family members goes out the window.

I would be reading a copy of "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may be of help to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2013 09:31

TBH if she is too toxic or difficult for you both to deal with, then she is too toxic for your children to be around her as well.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/07/2013 09:33

Don't comply?

Say no, we're doing X

be firm

If she gets cross - end the visit.

People behave like that because others allow them to. If you want her to change - you must begin by making it so unpleasant for her to be the way she is that she WANTS to change!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/07/2013 09:34

I don't mean unpleasant as in be nasty to her! Just not doing as she tells you if it's not what you want to do.

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 09:47

Thanks all!

I'm not really sure her behaviour is extreme enough to be toxic, more like a strong irritant IYSWIM. Confused

I have already decided that next time (dh won't want to cut her out, and neither do I really, not yet anyhow) I won't be leaving dh and her alone any time. She doesn't seem to do it so much in front of me - possibly because I do speak up to her more than dh does.

I think we'll probably not see her till end of August when we visit SIL.
Dh will have to prepare himself mentally for standing up to her and being a bit more confrontational.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2013 12:23

You both have between now and the end of August to raise and maintain those boundaries.

Both of you must have and maintain a united front with regards to her.

As I wrote earlier your DH is likely to be completely unable to stand up to his mother anyway due to inbuilt conditioning. He may well not therefore be able to mentally prepare himself, I would be very surprised if he made any real progress on that front between now and August. He wants a quiet life in any event so will not confront. Not confronting her is part of the overall problem as is your DHs lack of action re his mother too.

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 13:19

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one I think.

He avoids confrontation generally but can and does speak up when he needs to. (Ill never forget him giving his dad a massive bollocking over the phone when mil and FIL split!)

Part of the problem with mil is that she has been handled so sensitively since FIL left (because she was understandably fragile) I think she is totally unused to anything else. This has been of our own making but you have to draw the line somewhere at some point and this (10 years almost since he left) might be that point. Confused

Sigh, I can feel another lengthy chat with dh coming on...

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 01/07/2013 14:14

Why did he give his dad a bollocking? Are you sure careful handling of her only started when they divorced? Or did it just move from being dealt with by your FIL to having to be dealt with by her children? Became more noticeable when he was no longer there to be a buffer?

Maybe practice on the boundaries. A bit of role play when he says the sort of things his mum says and you stand up to her then you take on the part of his mum and he can practice standing up to you?

OrangeLily · 01/07/2013 14:37

My Mum's a bit like this. Like for example, if I'm talking she'll often cut me dead in conversation because its not something my sister would like to talk about. Even if sister isn't in the room. She's trying to show no favouritism.

If its a family event she'll move us all from one room in to another so we can all sit where she wants us to sit. By doing so she'll utterly kill any kind of vibe because we all have to play along to the party plan.

Everything has to be to her plan which is often nothing to do with anyone else. Recently held a celebration 'for me' and kept ringing very very stressed about it. I ended up going round to hers doing the housework. Making and hanging all decorations. Planning all events and all she did was the food. Which I could handle but it was absolutely nothing I could eat which she's well aware of.

Everyone in the family thinks she's bonkers and funny. I think it's exhausting and guilt is used a lot towards me.

OrangeLily · 01/07/2013 14:40

Oh and as for dealing with it. DH has gradually taught me to say no to her micromanaging 'suggestions'. I said no to her last night three times. Was great.

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 14:49

Waffly - it was when his dad announced he was getting remarried and he asked dh to tell his dsis (who wasn't speaking to FIL at that point) and also to tell MIL. DH was having none of it!

I do think FIL was a massive buffer and tbh I think the things MIL goes on about weren't an issue - we didn't have dc then, dh didn't drive then, etc.
I do now suspect that the reasons they got divorced are probably because of mil always wanting things her way and FIL getting sick of it. and getting together with her bf!
Hmm

Anyhow there will have to be some more thought gone into this. SIL is getting married soonish and someone will need to be tasked with keeping mil 'occupied'

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/07/2013 16:36

What Attila and TooHecsy said.
So, how do you deal with someone who wants everything on their terms?

Either convince yourself that you like her terms, a sincere choice, or walk. Her way or the highway: Hit the road. You can not change her, a la make her deal with you in such a way that she would respect that you exist.

She won't change. But you can. Wink

Original poster
motherofvikings · 01/07/2013 17:35

It just feels so awful to write off mil like that though

To end dh's relationship with her, and the dc too! Shock

She's been a pain in the arse but surely people need a chance to learn from their mistakes (once try e been pointed out) Confused

There's some very strong advice on this thread! All input is welcome but I think I'm going to try and stick with something constructive for now. :)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2013 17:50

You have fortunately come from an emotionally healthy family yourself and are thinking like a reasonable person but your MIL is not built that way. The "normal" rules for dealing with familial relations do not come into play here because they just don't work.

Your MIL does not learn from her errors. She has never apologised for her actions nor taken any responsibility for same has she?. She through her own parenting has messed your DH's head right up; he has FOG re her in spades. His Dad was perhaps a buffer to her when they were together; he in that family acted as a bystander out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Ipp3 · 01/07/2013 17:57

How I have dealt win it is stopping contact with people who behave like that. I put up with that crap for much of my life. They never get better and I just won't tolerate it anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2013 17:58

I tend to think 'distance' just makes you look weak in the eyes of the bully. Because that's all people like this woman are, really. Bullies... seeing how unreasonable they can be and how far they can push the envelope before someone snaps at them. (Then using that to accuse others of being unreasonable/nasty, of course.) Keep your distance and you're not only unreasonable & nasty you're also snooty etc...

So if you've tried 'polite' and got nowhere, I'd suggest you forget 'did you mean to be so rude', go on the offensive and think of a few withering slap-downs. Acidic humour helps if you can be bothered. You will not change her behaviour but at least if you say what you think, you won't end up on Beta Blockers because of all the unspoken resentment. Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb....

gertrudetrain · 01/07/2013 18:08

I can second Cog's advice. My dad very much lives his life on his own agenda and my mum enables him for a quiet life. His constant criticism and controlling really got me down until I started seeing it as a bit of a challenge to make him see he was a. Being a controlling git and b. His ways aren't my way.

So for example when he went on & on about weaning the dc's early I just said 'My baby, my rules. Lump it.' Also he 'forgot' to mention me in his father of the bride speech at my wedding so if he starts to really start picking at me I just point out that little mistake. Fighting fire with fire has definitely worked for me because it's made me less emotional about it and also makes me snigger a bit when he starts.

IceAddict · 01/07/2013 18:18

Don't really know, but you're not alone, my MIL wants it all her way too. For example; Will not baby sit even for her own sons bday. But has now told us she has taken a day off work and we can drop dcs at her house straight from school for the night. The night in question not being convenient. We've been asked out the next night and I bet she will refuse to change it Angry

I think these MILS need to be told straight but in my experience all hell would break out at the mere thought you disagree with how their life plan or any other plan goes

redwellybluewelly · 01/07/2013 18:32

The most important lesson I have learnt in the past eighteen months dealing with my toxic mother and sister is that you cannot change other people's behaviour, you can only change your expectations

Honesty also goes a long way to managing unnecessary strife

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2013 18:46

'all hell would break out'....

... but a break out is often the precursor to freedom. :) Exile is always an option but it's certainly not easy & the awkward truth about most family bullies is that they're not what you call optional. So you either spend your life dreading the next family get-together or you stand up to them and make it so that they dread you instead...