How do you deal with people who always want things on *their* terms?

[motherofvikings]

We've spent a disastrous weekend with MIL. She picked and picked at dh (mostly while I wasn't there/ busy) and he got more and more introverted and snappy with the rest of us.

Dh is a fan of a quiet life so didn't confront his mum, instead he tried ignoring her comments but they got to him.

I have suggested to dh that he needs some stock answers - along the lines of "did you mean to be so rude?" :)
But I've been thinking about it and I've realised that the problem is MIL wants everything on her terms all the time. Eg the dc must play the game she wants -not the one they're doing, they must play on the swings so she can push them - not climb the climbing frame, we should take 1 car when we go out - but then she criticises dh's driving etc.

It has totally got to dh who felt she was criticising him and his dc and his parenting. :(

So, how do you deal with someone who wants everything on their terms?

Yes cogito thats what I thought to, its been over a year since my Mil and I haven't spoken but as this wasn't her plan either shes doing all she can to claw me back into her life and I'm a bitch for resisting. I think freedom is hard to maintain in this situation

If 'resisting' means keeping up the silence then your freedom is hard to maintain because the base problem has not been resolved, just avoided. It may feel relatively safe to draw your metaphorical wagons in a circle, hunker down and defend but it's not a long-term strategy. At some point you have to fight. Rather than being 'clawed back' therefore, engage on your terms, speak your mind and set out the new rules. That switches the power to you and puts her on the defensive instead. Of course, if you hack her off in the process, no matter...

I know it is not along the lines of other suggestions but I think I might try to win her over with jolliness. 'oh mil, look how much they love the climbing frame isn't that great, I'm sure they'll want the swings too then you can push them." "oh mil, anyone would think you wanted to drive " "oh mil, your poor son, he might think you didn't appreciate his kids/meal if you say that!"

worth a try if you have to see them, but wearing all the same.

Wise advice I got on here (possibly from Cog?) was to adopt my rightful role as the (new) matriarch of the family. No need to even talk about it, just think so in your head, set boundaries and assume position! Easier said than done, I appreciate.

either avoid the person, or try to assrt yourself more

Call her on it. She sounds so used to getting her way, it could make a big change in her behaviour. And sound annoyed when you speak and make sure it is in front of everyone, don't wait until you have her on her own. SHE is the unreasonable one, in the long run you could be doing her a big favour because the other options is that you, and the DCs when they are old enough to choose, will just avoid her.

He's a grown man. She sounds like a real irritating fusspot but hardly the devil incarnate.

If he doesn't like the way she behaves or what she says he needs to decide what to do about that. Just not liking confrontation isn't enough.

It's telling this happened when you weren't around - why does he think that is?

Why do you think that is?

Sounds like he needs to do a bit of soul searching. Is he this passive in all aspects of his life?

Back each other up. If both of you present a united front, it may not go as far.

Agree some plans/structure in advance so you feel you have some Control.

Have a safe word where you meet in the bathroom for a cuddle/ giggle about it.

I started disagreeing with my MIL when she criticised DP, at that point he wasn't strong enough to stand up to her himself. I wasn't rude, but I am not having her eroding his mental health that way. Having spent nearly 20 years working on it with him.

Eventually it got to the stage where DP confronted his dad about being an enabler of her behaviour. His dad agreed but said that she had poor mental health and that she is his priority. My DP said fair enough but my partner and my DD are mine, I have to protect my family. I was so proud, this was a massive breakthrough to actually talk about it.

Since then it has been a bit better, DP can stand up for himself.

It is sometimes made easier and sometimes more difficult by the fact that they live abroad.