I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

[Namechangingnorma]

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

[bbqsummer]

Wonderful stuff "talkative".

Dcs clutching your legs in fear - great image. Very salutary.

Listen out op. You will get great support on here.

[juniperjen]

Im so sorry for your loss. I have been in the same boat and my OH is a soldier and behaved exactly the same way. It's not that the boys dont care, thats just how they process recent events. It's not nice, but you married him for a reason so cling to this memory for now. Be strong and I hope all goes well for you. Life comes to us all at the right time when it's meant to be. It could have been a blessing in disguise is how I like to think of my loss. xx

[spiderlight]

So sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling. I lost a baby last year and it was heartbreaking, but to have your husband react like this is truly unforgivable. Sending you strength and a hand to hold, and you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Juniper - nasty bullies maybe, not decent, loving husbands.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

Juniperjen, I assume you haven't read the whole thread...

[MissStrawberry]

A blessing in disguise to someone who lost their baby hours ago? Really?

[schroedingersdodo]

Life with children is f... hard. If he is that selfish now, and blames you for what is going wrong, now when things are much easier (no sleep deprivation, no screaming babies, no worries, no tantruns, etc etc) you may not want this man around when you are tired dealing with a baby or a toddler...

Btw, sorry for your loss, hope you get support from nicer people.

[PicardyThird]

Juniper:

My dh has 'been crap' with my miscarriages. By which I mean he sees them very much as 'the rough with the smooth' and doesn't at all get the emotional and indeed the physical impact on me, which has meant he has seemed detached and uncaring at various points. But he responded to me telling him so and he has always looked after me whenever I needed it.

It has absolutely nothing to do with 'processing recent events' to imply to your wife, in her grief and loss, that she is defective, at fault. I would categorise that as sticking the knife in.

OP may have married him for a reason, but now she has more than one reason to reconsider that marriage very carefully. She is not in the slightest obliged to 'cling' to any good times they may have had in order to minimise what he has done and keep the peace.

You may have made your choice to put up with abusive behaviour - I don't know, you have said very little about your relationship - but please don't tell the OP to do the same.

[BombJack]

These are not in any sense the "normal" responses to a man finding out his partner is going through a miscarriage. My wife and I lost our first child at 6.5 weeks. I still beat myself up about not getting home from work quickly enough after she phoned me (took me 2.5 hours due to trains, etc.).

Going out to his mate's like that is downright shameful. Attempting to blame your exercise class is outrageous - 60 seconds on google would inform him of the likely reasons for a miscarriage (already mentioned upthread).

And the comment about something being "Wrong" with you!?! WTAF? Does he not realise, if there were a Chromosomal Abnormality (most likely reason for the MC), it's as likely to be from the sperm, as the egg?

Finally, we have passive-aggressive escalation, "I'm not going to get violent...". This guy has got some serious, serious personality flaws.

Please take solace in the fact you have done NOTHING wrong.

And, my advice going forward is to ditch this ThunderCunt! TalkativeJim has it spot on...

[ginhag]

Norma I am so sorry. I can't imagine what it would have done to me if DP had said something so utterly callous and cruel when I had my MCs.

It nearly made me cry on your behalf TBH.

Listen to TalkativeJim (and others.) That is NOT a normal way to behave UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Not grief, not shock, NOTHING excuses it.

Hope your mum looks after you and gives you the love and support you deserve.

Massive hugs to you xxxx

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Oh, OP, you poor POOR thing.

You know - my mouth actually fell open when I read what he said to you.

You will do what you decide is right, that is of course what any of us will do. But PLEASE LISTEN TO WHAT HE HAS TOLD YOU. This is who he is. Are you hearing him???

You need to think SO hard about what your next steps are. One year in and he blames YOU??? I am so fucking outraged on your behalf. I have had three miscarriages and the anguish that you are going through is something I remember only too well. And he stands there and blames you?

He is a child. Honestly - I would be looking at legalities at this point. I don't think he sounds as if he is worth your effort and love. I really don't.

I am SO very sorry for the loss of your child, I really am.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Ahhh there's another juniper on this thread!!!

Glad to hear you're getting some breathing space chick.

[ArcticBlast]

I am so sorry for your loss. The hurt of that loss can seem unbearable at times so please surround yourself with only those that love you, care for you & will allow you the time & space to grieve.
suffice to say the longer you keep your H at bay and allow yourself to get your strength back ...you will in time feel well enough to decide where your future happiness lies.
until that time, take very good care.

[Butterflywgs]

OP, hugs and so sorry to hear of the mc. Such an awful experience.
I have to agree with the vast majority of posts (please ignore juniperjen's). YES, this is unforgivable. Your H is a bastard. His behaviour is cruel and vicious, it is emotional abuse. How DARE he blame you for the mc.
It could (will) escalate. He's already making veiled threats to be violent. Do you think that was 'just' hot air (if so he's still an arsehole, 'at least I don't beat you up' is NOT the minimum criterion for being a decent man) - or might he actually be violent? If so, please, please, quickly pack a bag and leave NOW.
Is your mum there yet?
Many hugs.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Dear OP, I am absolutely disgusted at your H. What a vile, poor excuse for a human being!
I notice you said he encouraged you to do an exercise class! Does he have a problem with your weight and figure and goes on about you doing classes?
I don't think I could forgive that - ever!

[Lweji]

I was giving the benefit of the doubt on your first post, then I was shocked.

Please don't have babies with this man.

[whitemonkey]

There is a saying which i think I first heard on mumsnet 'when someone tells you who they are, listen'.

His behaviour is disgusting and unforgivable.

[Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin]

The Chips are down and he is blaming you and making things worse.
All you need to know.

[Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin]

So sorry btw. I had the same and it was very sad. Incidentally I asked the hospital to keep the baby / pregnancy remains and I had a cremation service.. But I think you have to ask for this x

[mellicauli]

So sad to read your post. I think you had it figured when you said that it was all about him. If he can make this all about him, then surely everything you ever do married to him will be about him? Can you live with that? How will "you" survive?

[Doha]

I have had 6 miscarriages with my DH at various stages of pregnancy, Never once was he anything but caring and supportive of me often at his own expense. Relatives tended to forget that he was grieving too for the loss of his potential DC.
Never once did be blame me-even when l was diagnosed with a condition that caused the miscarriages, as he put it -he was with me for better or worse.
I could never forgive my DH if he had said anything so cruel to me as the OP's (D)P. I am so sorry for your loss as l know exactly how you feel. I hope you are finding good support from your family

[newlifeforme]

I had an ectopic pg which was highly traumatic and my H was very unsupportive, although nothing so overt as your H.At the time, maybe due to the shock, I couldn't react to his lack of support but it had long lasting consequences.7 years down the line I realise that he had crossed a boundary and I should have ended the relationship then.I am now trying to deal with it but my resources are drained due to the years of neglect and invalidation.It never gets better, only worse.

I now look back and wonder why I didn't act, perhaps I felt I had invested so much already, or I was afraid to face reality.When you feel better and it will take several weeks for your hormones to settle down, come back here and consider why you are staying if that's the case.

Your H has let you down very badly, if your parents talk him around this time will they always be around to help?

[Devora]

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't think I'd be able to find a way back after this, either.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Take great care.

[BerkshireMum]

Just wanted to say that I hope your mum got there okay and that you now have someone to take care of you.

Other posters have given you great advice. Find a safe place to gather your strength and be loved and cared for before making your long-term plans. But remember his behaviour is NOT okay in any circumstances. I'll be thinking of you today.