I dont think I am going to be able to forgive this

[Namechangingnorma]

I found out this morning that I have had a miscarriage, we saw the heartbeat last week, then I bled a little, we went for a scan this morning and no heartbeat. We got home and H decided to go to his mates, a couple of hours later I rang him as wanted to discuss options, I have decided to go in for a d&c tomorrow. He refused to talk and won't come home, was watching grand prix at one mates house and has now gone to another. i feel totally abandoned, this is not what marriage is meant to be about, he thinks its ok. i know he is upset too, but I really need support right now, I just don't know if I am ever going to get over him leaving me when I needed him the most, i know he isnt good at handling things. i dont know what to think, help.

Holy crap! Just read what he said about something being wrong with you . I think I would be packing his bags tbh.

Why would you think having a manicure would bring on a miscarriage?

What a fucking vile arsehole.

I'm so sorry your baby died and your H is a fucking idiot.

Norma, doing normal everyday things doesn't cause miscarriage, honestly. Miscarriages are due to things like chromosome problems in the baby, unrecognised clotting or immune problems in the mother, certain infections, but certainly not manicures or exercise classes. Please don't worry about that.

Please don't think for a second I was suggesting its ok-his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable no matter what.
I was just trying to suggest why, so that you can feel more confidant that it really isn't you, it's him. He is so clearly in the wrong it's untrue.

Thanks all, I am going to ask my mum to come over, she will go with me tommorrow, I am just going to get through the next 24 hrs and see how I feel, i deserve better than this.

I take back what I said before then. He is being spiteful and cruel.

I am so sorry for you loss.

Am utterly shocked at your husbands behaviour and attitude. Yes he is grieving, hurt, shocked upset but where do fit into all that as far as he is concerned.

His comments were vile and I am not sure I could forgive them.

You are right - just get through the next 24 hours and see how you feel then.

Good luck tomorrow x

Bin him. Disgusting thing to say to you.

Namechanging, I'm so sorry for your loss and sending you support and hand holding through the next 24hrs. I also think what your dh said was unforgivable but to be honest I also think you need to put all your energy into getting yourself through tomorrow.
Let your mum see you through the next few days then see how you feel. I think you do need to think aswell about how he's going to react in the future if you have anything else happen when you need his support.

What a vile, selfish pig of a man.

Gather your Mum and friends around you, you deserve to supported with love and care.

There's no place in a woman's life for a "husband" like this.

Even decent men can go a bit quiet, possibly even AWOL when something awful happens to them.
But NO decent man would say to his wife what he has said to you today. It's easy to get on well with a partner in the good times, I always think how you deal with bad times is what marks your relationship out as successful or not. He is utterly unfair and I'm not sure what he could say to make up for this.
Nothing you did has made this happen. I've had four and have done all the guilt tripping, but as time passes (and the more you know about mc) you realise they are not caused by individual actions like exercising.

he is refusing to leave the house and is apparently 'not going to get violent' even though I am provoking him and trying to make him apoarently by asking him to leave, as ever its all about him

This is absolutely awful.

The very fact that he cannot look past how it has affected him, and think about how it might affect you also, points to him being very self absorbed and lacking in empathy, meaning he is unable to give any sympathy.

What he has done is very wrong. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and for the fact that your husband is not supporting you.

For now, you need to concentrate on yourself. Glad you have your mom. Might I suggest that you stay with her for a couple of days too, or have her stay with you. You will need her.

Then, I fear that at some point soon you will have to address this with your husband. I would personally suggest some couples counselling, but you cannot continue having this sort of reaction every time something goes wrong. It's terrible, and a terrible way to treat someone.

Hugs xx

If you're going with your dm for the appointment, why not just pack a bag and go to hers now. When you are released you'll need to be cared for so stay at your mum's. this isn't acceptable

Namechanging - if he's going to be so pig headed - could you perhaps go and stay at a hotel for a couple of nights? Or stay with friends/ family?

You need calm and peace and to relax wherever you are.

I've got to admit that DP can be a bit stubborn like this when we are arguing. He doesn't get the idea of space, and somehow feels like if he sticks around, or constantly tries to talk to me, we will resolve things quicker. But I know the value of taking time out to think - something I would guess you both need to do right now.

Agree with sameold

This man seems to be escalating things very quickly.

I would get some stuff and go to my mums if I was you.

Oh, darling, what a horrible way to find out you're with an arse.

I thought I was just going to reply to your OP with much sympathy for the nightmarish experience of finding out your baby hasn't "stuck". What with all your hormones dancing a jig on all the social expectations and your own emotions, it's truly ghastly. And exhausting.

I have never forgiven the friends who blatantly failed to support me through my last & worst m/c. I'm not a grudge-bearer, and I do appreciate their reasons, but they failed me in my time of need and it scarred my feelings for them.

I would have supported you feeling you couldn't get back from your H letting you down in this way ... and then I saw your 16:56 update What an absolute cunt!

No. Do not forgive this. Ever. You deserve a great deal better.

Surround yourself with as much support you can get, and cry as much as you need. xxxxx

My mum lives in another city about an hour away, I cant face the drive and need to be here for the hospital in the morning so she will come here later, h has a lot of respect for my parents and they will either talk some sense into him or he will leave if they ask him too.

These are such red flags, please don't deny or minimise.

Problem: withdraw, then project. Emotionally unavailable, punishing.

Bad, bad bad signs regarding his ability to have empathy, to meet you half way, care about you, be there for you.

These are bad, immature and nasty signs OP. You are looking at your future loneliness.

(I also dealt w my misc. on my own. Didn't really notice the signs at the time, I so hope you do).

I'm so sorry for your loss, your husband is absolutely vile to have said such awful things.

You have a hard time to get through physically and emotionally over the next few weeks so I would agree with pp and suggest staying elsewhere for now.

Don't engage in an argument, conserve your energy for getting through tomorrow and beyond with the rest of your family to support you.

he is apparently 'not going to get violent' even though I am provoking him and trying to make him

This is a very big warning, Norma. He's going to get violent and blame you.

I'am very sorry for your loss. Your husband saying that he's 'not going to get violent' is a veiled threat and totally unacceptable. He's essentially saying that if he does get violent it's your fault for provoking him. Please take care, none of this is your fault.

I'm sorry for your loss op, I had three mc before dd came along and it was heartbreaking.
If my dp had ever said anything like that to me I would have been devastated! (not that he ever would have)

Also I'm getting increasingly alarmed at your posts. I had an abusive relationship in the past and it sounds like your dh is building up to this.
It sounds like he has already started the emotional abuse and saying he wont get violent even though you are provoking him is a THREAT! No normal man says this.

Pregnancy and babies tend to make assholes like this so much worse. Please consider carefully your options.
Apologies if Im reading too much into this, it just seems awfully similar....