Anyone else live with a hoarder?

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

Dh is a lovely man and I am very lucky to have him but the hoarding is driving me crazy.

He has the ability to clutter a room within seconds. When we moved into this house the agreement was the loft room is his to use as he pleases (ie fill with useless shit).
He struggles to throw anything away, is a world class procrastinator and seems to see the value in every bit of tat and random item of paper work imaginable. Any hint that I may organise or heaven forbid throw something away is extremely stressful for him.

What really pisses me off is that if we have people round they must not be allowed upstairs incase they see his ever expanding messy hoard. Why is it ok for me and dd to put up with this but others can't be allowed to see it?

Grrr. Anyway we are making small amounts of progress tidying up and he is even ebaying some stuff.

Is anyone else in the same boat?

Hi Ladies

Been reading this thread with interest - especially about the link between hoarding and OCD.

When my kids were little I was lucky enough to be a stay at home mum - and I developed a cleaning obsession - between that and constant house moving due to exh job - lived fairly hoard free!
But the cleaning combined with a bad marriage and lack of any friends, social life etc, I became Ill with depression.

My marriage ended 2 years ago - my and the kids have moved into a smaller house - not enough room for all our bits and pieces. We have now been looking at boxes of crap for two years !!

A few things have happened recently - a lovely new dp who is a tidy freak , Iam at last starting to feel in control of my life, and believe it or not reading this thread!
The blitzing has started!!!

So my question is can you temporarily become a hoarder due to an emotional upset?

I found exh was very heavily in debt when we left and I came away with nothing but the contents of our rented house - I see now why I was hanging on to everything- because aside from two wonderful children , it was all k had to show for 20 years!

Thanks for this thread ladies x

So my question is can you temporarily become a hoarder due to an emotional upset?

Yes.

Trauma, like a divorce, can bring out latent tendencies, or tendencies that used to be chanelled in a different fashion. Caught in time they can be rolled back away from hoarding. But, pretty much they are best dealt with one way or another, rather than being allowed to dictate extremes in either direction.

This is designed for mood, but I also use it for the "warpy thoughts" that feed into my slightly obsessive side. I could never talk about this with somebody actually looking at me, so for me it gives me something healthy to frame the working through of the diffiuclt bits of how I am.

I haven't read all the posts - got to P4 but I was amazed to find that there are other hoarders out there, besides my DP (we've been together 40 years) and his hoarding has got worse over the years.

So many similar things, accumulating useless stuff, piles of papers, bits of wire, light switches, bits of locks and god knows what else. I think the problem is 2 fold - he rarely puts anything back in it's place and won't throw anything away. We have a cellar full of crap (loads and loads of DIY tools) and he never does any DIY. Also have a lot of stuff in the loft. We have separate bedrooms (which helps a lot) and his is unbelievable at times.....stuff all over the place and heaps and heaps of clothes. In the room that we both use most of the time, he sits next to a shelf and he just puts piles of paper and stuff on there, and I say "I think it's time for a shelf clear" and usually he will agree and tidy it, but sometimes he gets irritated. I have to keep this room ok because left to him he would have it like his bedroom.

We also have a garden shed and he buys buckets (brand new ones) and keeps them in there (only a couple) but it's still odd. He buys knives (only kitchen ones) but he doesn't want them used because he likes them still in their plastic cases. He hasn't said as much but when I suggested opening one of the packets I could see he didn't want to, so I said no more.

He buys lots of containers to put things in, but as so many other hoarders he is incapable of sorting through anything. I have watched him and he is almost paralysed. He has masses of clothes and will only very occasionally agree to take anything to charity. He hates me to touch any of his belongings because he is convinced I am going to throw it away and this has caused arguments in the past but not now.

Why do I put up with it - because I love him and he has been very supportive to me over the last 3 years when I have been ill, and I couldn't do without him. Oh yes he even hoards on the Sky plus Planner (tapes loads of programmes) but never wants to watch any!

I believe hoarding is caused by OCD (which is a mental illness in my opinion) and the other side of the OCD coin is the person who has to have everything absolutely tidy, nothing on any surfaces etc. and I know people like this. One friend has to hang out her washing with the same colour pegs! When we went on holiday she packed and unpacked her case several times.

So thanks for the thread and it's good to know I'm not alone!

As for the people coming on saying "just throw it away" etc - why are they on the thread, when the title is "Does anyone else live with a Hoarder" - ok yes I know people have the right to post anywhere but they just don't understand what it is like for us the partners of hoarders and yes it is exactly like telling some with depression to "cheer up" so maybe it's best for them to stay away from these threads.

carpe I know you said not to but I googled 4th degree squalor and she blamed you for it. That's just appalling.

nananina
I have watched him and he is almost paralysed
I can identify with this one. My dh isn't paralysed but it just takes him so long to decide over what to sort out, it is unbearable.
I think dh has really poor decision making skills, probably from being a perfectionist - he is just too scared of getting something wrong. The poor decision making affects everything. If I ask him if he wants a cup of tea he often thinkings about it for 10 seconds before answering.

Oh this is so soothing to know my lovely hoarders are part of a tribe and not unique. Yes to the buckets Nina (although my DPs family spread them all out in the garden to catch the rain for loo flushing....)
And yes WhenShe to being indecisive over everything. I think that is really important becasue if you can't decide whether you want a cup of tea or coffee, then making big decisions about whether to sell the house or not, or other really big stuff, is just too difficult. The ostrich approach seems to be part of this.
"If I ignore the Hoard then I don't have to make any decisions about it".

We are approaching meltdown this week. The DGPs house is being sold and they are frantic over the last remnants of their Hoard. The rest is crammed into DPs house along with his stuff...

How shall I treat them? Valium in their tea (or coffee)??

No love, I lived in 4th degree squalor after I left home. Mind you....home had been 3rd degree squalor with the occasional tipping over to 4th.

I was a self fulfilling prophecy for a while there. I was very young when I left home, and I left believeing it was me, so it became me, until I worked out it wasn't me and gave myself permission to live in more "human" conditions.

I think the lack of decision making helped to build the hoard (it drfinatly stops him getting rid of any of if). I think with some of the stuff he just isn't sure if he should bin it or not so it stays.

Most of the hoard however is viewed as being useful / valuable in some god unknown way.

I'm laughing about the Christmas tree Carpe because I threw mine away in a minimalist fit after my marriage broke down and I was living alone in OCD possession free heaven. Then I bought a Tesco value one for £10 that was alive and is now growing in my back garden like a Californian Redwood. Perhaps it is one!!

I become very OCD when stressed and my house looks all the better for it, even if my hands suffer. But when I am relaxed I can tolerate some mess up to maybe level 1.5

Do you think getting DP to practise decision making generally would help him with his Hoard? He was always scared to express his opinion to his cross XW in the past. And scared of throwing out something he later needed/wanted/regretted/turned up on Antiques Roadshow worth £1000

Do you think getting DP to practise decision making generally would help him with his Hoard?

I think even if it doesn't help with the hoard immediatly, it can't hurt. If indecsion is due to fear of the consequences... starting small where outcomes are minor, and letting him see his own sucesses might help.

I have a suggestion re antiques. My husband isn't a hoarder, he is something worse...a bloody antiques dealer/restorer.

Huge, dark, dusty bits of furniture that take up eons of space and have the storage capacity of a small teacup...my worst nightmare. I keep them corralled in his workshop.

Anyway, he gets attached to some pieces, over values them on purpose cos he likes them and doesn't want to sell them till the love affair has died down a bit, and other stuff he is less sure it isn't worth much more than his instinct is telling him it is.

That's where auctions come in.

The auction house works on commision, so they want your stuff to go for top dollar. It stops DH worrying about being ripped off if he has a hole of knowledge. It's worth the commision for the sense of security. That might work for anybody worried that they don't know how to set a price at the right level and so avoids selling at all.

starry

How are you doing today love ?

Don't worry if you don't feel like posting right now. Feeling a bit "I have no words" kind of goes with the turf.

But we're still here if and when you do want or need to talk.

It's ironic that because hoarders won't throw anything away, they end up throwing away their lives, their relationships, their freedom and happiness.

When they are gone, the stuff will just get sold, given away or recycled. And all those years of living in a mess, living with the frustration of never being able to find anything, or invite people over, will have been for nothing.

A wasted life

Top Dollar????????? These are broken bits of 1960s bakelite electrical gadgets and early electronic gizmos that dont work but MIGHT be fixable and worth a fortune if they are kept long enough.
On the plus side they don't take up much individual space but there are many many of them...
ebay is useful though - it shifts them onward (and pays for more collectors items to be delivered ready for restoration when he has time....)
But actually I dont mind DPs hoard too much until it starts to "leak". That is a great description Carpe and I shall use it with acknowledgement.
DP would worry if he didnt make lots of money it was because he sold too soon and should have waited longer... not because it was a pile of carp in the first place!

My MIL is a hoarder to the worst point. I no longer let my DD eat there as the house is just not packed to the gunnels but a health hazard. The kitchen is so bad she has 6 square inches to prepare food in. The kitchen is 20 feet long and 18 feet wide!

In her freezer I have spotted food over 12 years old.

She has 7 bedrooms and they are stacked to the ceiling with crap.
Two out of three bathrooms are unusable as they are stacked with boxes and all but two doors and one window are an escape route if there was a fire or another emergency.

I wipe my hands on the back of my jeans if I have a pee as it is just too disgusting to even think about the blackened and filthy towel that hangs over the radiator.

We buy her towels and tea towels and she puts them away 'for best'. Fecking USE them!

She needs help and I have mentioned to DH over and over again that she needs help but none of her children want to broach the subject. My BILs refuse to visit now.

Aaaaah "for best" - that old chestnut.

Keeping stuff for best was ingrained in to me as a child. I must have thrown out tons of stuff (usually clothes or smellies) that had been kept for best and then I outgrew or they deteriorated.

I'm working hard to get out of that mindset and now try to use things when I'm given them. DD gets to wear her fancy clothes frequently .

I started giving DM nice things on the understanding that they were just used and not kept for best. She still doesn't use them. I think I'm just going to stop buying her presents. It all just ends up in the hoard.

It's hard though - my DS is very unwell and at one point we were told he wouldn't grow up although now we have hope again that he might. I struggle to get rid of anything of his but am forcing myself to. DM just won't so I'm trying to limit what gets passed on to her. It's tough.

my DS is very unwell and at one point we were told he wouldn't grow up although now we have hope again that he might

Oh sweetheart, you have so much on your plate.

(((((((massive hug))))))))))

Lovely perfume and beautiful underwear are meant to be enjoyed. Not tucked away in a cupboard for 'that special day'.

red now something I try to live by!!! Perfume and make up and bath stuff get used; candles get burned; (oh god don't even get me started on DM's candles - never going to be burned but put away because they are so pretty... So they aren't on display and they will never be used ); clothes get worn; shoes and handbags get used... It's quite liberating! And why wouldn't I want to look and smell nice?!

This thread has really taken off since I last posted!
I'm amazed there are so many of us out there living with hoarders, and hoarding ourselves, to varying degrees.
DP has sold some things on eBay this week, how I hate eBay
He had bought a job lot of Wimbledon branded jackets five years ago and he managed to sell one this week for £25. I doubt he will sell anymore this year as its almost over again. Unfortunately it means he will want to keep the other five or six he has as he will now be convinced he can sell them next year.

This is such a sad but insightful thread. I hope no-one minds if I ask a question, although I don't want to hi-jack.

I'm worried that ds, who is only 6, may be developing some tendencies around this. Or perhaps i have a problem... We have both suffered a massive loss (his dad died before he was born). He hates me getting rid of things and likes to collect random stuff - but I'm aware lots of kids do this, just tat from party bags, but also random bits of paper, tape, stones, scraps of paper used for a game we made up a year ago etc. I'm very tidy, very happy chucking stuff out, like to be organised though not on an OCD level. I get edgy about clutter building anywhere and his room makes me jittery though it's only around level 2 going by the pictures in the link posted earlier. I helped him tidy it up a few weeks ago, he had no idea about tidying and how it might work. But he is only 6. So I worry that me being too hard on the tidying/decluttering might push him into hoarding. But his loss and his desire already to keep stuff might push him that way too. Where to draw the line? How would you stop this happening if you could have identified what was going on very early?

Sending a hug to trazzle and thinking of your ds

built sorry I really don't know what to advise re your son. My dd is only 2 so 6 years olds are unknown territory for me. So sorry about your loss.

Hello again... thank you for asking about me... I spent most of last night awake just going over all this in my head and trying to make sense of it. I was so touched this morning when my DH said to me "you know, I've really been thinking about your DF and SM and this hoarding thing...". It made me feel like I wasn't being silly being so worried and oppressed by it.

Anyway, as I mentioned, DF and SM moved to France just a few days ago with 3 road-trains full of stuff. I hadn't heard anything of their arrival etc, until today when I got copied in on an email to the remover. Things had been broken. I can image SM was going completely mental to lose who knows what - a dinner plate c. 1975... one of her 3 microwaves.. or something. What made me really sad was that DF could spend time to engage in phone calls with the removers, write letters etc, about damage to the THINGS, but couldn't find the time for a quick phone call to me to say "we've arrived". The only reason I got a copy of the email was so that I could liaise with these devil removers who broke THE THINGS.

I am really really struggling to understand why my DF - who is a normal non-hoarding person - is prepared to completely f* over his 3 supportive and loving DC in order to support this bizarre acquisitive thing. I just don't get it. He is an intelligent and caring person... why have we become nothing in comparison to a pile of tables and chairs and plates and statues and so on and on?

Just feeling like the wool has been pulled from my eyes, and all my years of making excuses for SM have been a waste of time. I should have shut her off years ago. But that means losing DF. Why do I have to choose?

Another thing I've been thinking about, for the type of hoarders who keep papers etc... in this digital age, could you not just institute a deal in the home where everything like receipts, bills, statements, etc gets scanned and stored in digital files and the actual rubbish gets thrown away? Again, I'm just trying to understand all this - having just watched DF and SM ship box after box of papers like receipts and statements dating back to the 1990s (I looked while they were packing).

Also, couldn't you really maximise on the digital aspect and decide: ok, from now on we get iPad editions of the newspaper, magazines, digital bank and credit card statements, etc. So you actually limit the amount of paper that comes through the door. Is there something appealing/reassuring about the physical item?

I read recently about Lionel Shriver (We Need to Talk About Kevin). She is a hoarder, but has lately started to photograph her stuff, eg old oven glove, or whatever, and that has helped her give/throw some (SOME) stuff away. Because she has the digital record.

But basically what I really want to know, what my heart is crying to know, is why WHY do THINGS become more important than family, children, all the deep intangibles that make life worth living? Why would someone alienate their children who love them for the sake of a pile of artefacts? I'm just totally struggling with getting anywhere near understanding this.

Sorry to be just going on and on. I guess it's the shock of suddenly seeing where I am in relation to my DF. It's very distressing, not least because he is now 80 and I don't know I have much time left to sort it out. Also, I know that if he passes away first (which he will, being considerably older that SM), the chances of receiving any family memento are NIL because she will never let go any single thing. I don't want inheritance, but I would maybe like a photo or my grandmother's painting of roses that I remember from when I was little, or something like that. And I realise now that these essentially valueless things have become part of SM's hoard, and that there will be no sharing. They are "Her Precious's", like Gollum...

starry I've thought about that with DM. She's a pensioner (although not THAT old!) and we already get calls about the slightest little thing computer-related. Ordinarily she lives a good 4 hours drive from us so if there's a real problem there's very little we can do about it...

The fear of it all being deleted is huge! And she knows she wouldn't keep it backed up properly.

God when I think of the number of memory cards she has that she has never got round to putting on the computer... I guess because once the photos are off the card then there's more potential for them getting deleted???

The more I think about this the more I think I will need to sit down with her tomorrow and work out a plan for when she moves back home. I don't even know where to start to find a specialist in hoarding though. I know it's something she has to want to do - and she often seems to want to - but I think I need to at least have a direction to point her in.

I went in her room today to put a suitcase back under her bed which we have had out for a couple of months. There's no space under the bed. There's no space anywhere on the floor. Tbf we haven't given her much storage space given she's living here, but good god. She has 4 bottles of soap in there. And one of them is empty. We have soap! She does not need her own soap. But because I occasionally run out, no doubt that justifies the need for soap.

I think I need to have a cry.

Thank you for your post Carpe it's really made me think. I have barely looked at the stuff partially due to the time black hole it creates as I go through it all I know I need to stop keeping her things, and I really don't want my DD to feel like this about material possessions. Funny how I see that term and think immediately of a big TV or car etc, but antiques seem acceptable to me . I already used an auction house to get rid of some of the larger furniture and things that I had found ugly. Used some of it to buy cot and buggy for DD and pretended to myself it was a present to her from my mum :) I think a lot of this can be done when I move as I will be doing it box by box, filling the new house with what I want only room by room. When there is no more space I will get ruthless!