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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is an absolute arsehole when he is drunk

46 replies

Arseholehusband · 29/06/2013 22:34

We have been together for almost 16 years. We get on really well. Everything is fine except for when he has a drink.

He can't drink much and when he is pissed he is just an arse hole and I don't like him at all. He does not drink very often only about once a fortnight and he does not drink much but it really affects him and changes him into a completely different person.

I really don't know what to do as I enjoy a drink now and then ( no problems with it just a drink every couple of weeks ) but I am dreading him drinking as he is so horrible .

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 29/06/2013 22:35

what exactly do you mean by horrible? A bit of a wanker? or abusive?

WhoBU · 29/06/2013 22:37

What's he actually done?

Original poster
Arseholehusband · 29/06/2013 22:39

I just don't like him he changes into someone else. The sober him would hate the drunk him He is not abusive but not someone I would choose to spend time with.

When I have a drink I am still me but he seems to be someone else and I don't like him. I think he is a cock and it is affecting how I see him as where does that come from ?

OP posts:
WitchOfEndor · 29/06/2013 22:41

Once a fortnight isn't too often to drink, but it is too often to be an arsehole.

What does he do, and if he won't stop, can you do anything to avoid getting caught up in his arseholeness?

LEMisdisappointed · 29/06/2013 22:42

You are probably a bit of a cock too when you are drunk, we all are, generally

Original poster
Arseholehusband · 29/06/2013 22:44

I think it is the contrast that is hard to handle. He is literally a different person after a few drinks and it is hard to cope with as I love him but can't understand how he changes so completely after a few drinks.

If he were like that all the time I would have no hesitation in leaving him but it is a very small amount of time he is like it. I would like to go to social evenings with PTA etc but I am too ashamed of him after a couple of drinks so don't dare take him to such events.

OP posts:
WhoBU · 29/06/2013 22:50

But how is he different? Louder, more brash and more outspoken? That's what happens when most people drink.

Original poster
Arseholehusband · 29/06/2013 22:59

He is a cock I can't explain in much more detail. He goes from sober to absolutely drunk in a very short time. I think his family have a problem with metabolising alcohol as I know his uncle is the same.

OP posts:
runningonwillpower · 29/06/2013 23:07

Have you just told him?

If it's that bad I'd just agree to go teetotal as a couple.

WhoBU · 29/06/2013 23:40

Tbh I don't like anyone much when they're drunk and I'm not. Does he like you being drunk? Could you ask him to slow down or cut down?

calmingtea · 30/06/2013 08:10

Dealing with a drunken arsehole every fortnight would be a dealbreaker for me. Life's too short to put up with rubbish like that. Most people drink and it does not turn them into wankers, it does not change their personas and the way they behave.

What he is doing sounds like a real problem. A definition of being an alcoholic is when you drink it affects your relationships, so if he is causing huge problems once a fortnight, he has a problem. It is regular and you don't want to cope with it, and I don't blame you. He needs to stop drinking imo. End of. Otherwise you will be putting up with this behaviour for the rest of your life.

mamabrownbear · 30/06/2013 08:12

I'm in same boat. Last night, after celebrating our first wedding anniversary at lunch DH continued to drink and by midnight was verbally abusive, threatening to leave, destroyed my present to him, banging around in front of our 6 week old. He did this before but hasn't done this in a year. I threw him out but I suspect he went to the pub until closing and is currently asleep on sofa. I think this morning he will bevery hungover, still abusive and will talk about leaving. Usually, once this hangover has passed he is apologetic but this was all before we had a baby and now the rules have changed for me. If he doesn't leave then his options will be firstly counselling because he has serious hyper sensitivity issues. If he won't get counselling I'm leaving. Then he has to not drink because it changes him into a monster. Then we can take it from there. I need to put our child first and he needs help. He blames everything on me and that's not good for me either so you have to decide on what you want from this situation, what your options are and how you are going to be happy...good luck and strength to you for all the difficult decisions you might have to make x

worsestershiresauce · 30/06/2013 08:20

I understand, my DH is exactly like this. His friends once summed it up by saying there are two Mr Worses. The nice one (when he is with me, so doesn't drink), and the nasty one when he is on his own, so does. He changes, becomes a bit vicious with his humour, and hurtful. I don't like this version at all. It took 13 years for him to realise it, so my advice is not to leave the bastard, but to try talk about it. Alcohol removes the off button that we all have that stops us doing or saying things we would otherwise never even think about.

RoooneyMara · 30/06/2013 08:24

I would find this a massive turn off. In fact I did find it a massive turn off last year when I was with someone like this.

I left him. I have no regrets apart from putting up with it for even a couple of months.

There's no rules that say you've got to spend your life with this embarrassing man.

Dahlen · 30/06/2013 09:28

Unless you are one of the few people that has allergy issues with alcohol, it's always worth remembering that alcohol does not change people's personalities. What it does is remove inhibitions, so that people give themselves permission to do/say things that they always think is reasonable (from their POV) but sober would accept that this may not be acceptable from the mainstream other POV so keep quiet for reasons of image.

If your DH has problems with alcohol in that he genuinely does react to it, then he stops drinking. It really is as simple as that. If he chooses not to, he is basically saying that he thinks his behaviour when drunk is perfectly acceptable.

If you want to hammer home the point, record him when drunk and play it back to him. If he's remorseful and decides to give up alcohol, he's genuine. If he apologises but carries on drinking, he doesn't care about behaving like an arsehole, sorry.

TeenyW123 · 30/06/2013 11:34

Film him. Let him see what an arse he's being.

My friends did this when their son (17) was obviously under the effects of some drug or other. He was trying to climb out of an upstairs window. They doubt whether he would have remembered his behaviour the next morning. To see himself acting so out of character and dangerously meant he had a real shock and is very unlikely to experiment again.

Teeny

RockinD · 30/06/2013 20:10

I sympathise. My DH is fine when sober, but when he has a drink it only takes a couple of pints before he is slurring, talking all over everyone else and getting verbally aggressive.

I now do not go out with him if he is going to be drinking and go to bed before he gets back so there will be no confrontation. I'm not frightened of him - I just cannot be bothered with it.

It is obvious he has no head for alcohol - nor do I, so I don't drink - but he cannot understand that I may have a problem with his behaviour.

Harveypoo · 24/12/2018 16:29

Hi yh I have a big problem with my partner drinking he try to start a argument and is narsty he won't listen to me blame me for saying I don't like it i move out of our family home because I could not Handle his drinking now live with my mum my kids are all grown up and have there own lives i understand people on here and what thay go though I go to my daughters for Christmas and he is there too can be difficult but I can leave if it gets to bad never had that choice at the home

[Edited by MNHQ to remove RL names]

FairportConvention · 24/12/2018 19:46

Hi Op, I am like your Dh after a couple of of drinks. Didn’t used to be, but something has changed with age and it is a real Jekyll and Hyde thing with me. I have stopped drinking as a result. It took me a while to get there and I think if I had been filmed the mortification would have sped the process up (hearing about my antics was bad enough, I black out too so often don’t know what I have done). I think filming him would be a good idea. Shock, wake up call etc.

twominfromthebeach · 24/12/2018 20:00

Yeah film or record him being a pissed dick, then have a calm talk (when he's sober) and make him understand how much it upsets you

SandyY2K · 24/12/2018 20:06

Try recording his drunken self or have a conversation when he is sober about the way he changes after a drink and how it's made you not take him to certain places...because you can't risk it.

That should be a rude awakening. If it isn't...then he clearly doesn't give a damn.

subspace · 24/12/2018 20:17

Yep, record him and have a calm and serious chat when he is sober.

Shinnors · 09/01/2019 21:42

I can understand what your saying, my own husband , a good man and father and husband but when he drinks and when I’m with him through the years I have noticed he gets aggressive and says some really horrible statements which he never remembers and states to me it was never said. Drink makes him irrational and he fly’s off the hook so much so he put his life in danger at one stage. I don’t go out with him now as I’m afraid of the consequences. I told him but I can’t get through to him , if I ask him to stop drinking completely, he thinks it’s just to stop his release of stresses in life.

Jmangis72 · 15/01/2019 08:28

Happened upon this post & thought perhaps I could get advice. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Married to the most attentive, caring, attractive, honest man. Did I say he was SENSITIVE?! I meant to. To a degree unlike nothing I've ever known.
When he's not been drinking too much, all my worries are gone. Even if he's gotten drunk night before & been a complete wanker (verbally looking for any confrontation I'll allow him) he always apologizes next day. To the point I don't look at my phone fir hours because I know he's due to text 200x professing his love & desire for me. Sorry in advance if this offends anyone but (no one else
2 talk 2) what kind of ass literally gets a bj and an hour later when Ive decided to go work in my studio rather than go 2 bed, he DEMSBDS TO KNOW WHY I'M SO "DISCONNECTED" FROM HIM? I'm about to lose my mind. I feel there's no pleasing this man. We're already in marriage counseling after 3 yrs of marriage. Why? Because the 5x a week we have sex isn't "enough" for him. He needs to feel desired and like I'm into him. I'm losing it here and need 2 know wtf to do. Anyone. Please.

ShatnersWig · 15/01/2019 08:32

Why would anyone put up with this? Sorry, but I really cannot fathom why anyone would stay with someone for 16 years if they didn't like him turning into another person once a fortnight. Seriously.