would anyone be able to help me with a bit of navel gazing over a conflict i have had please?

[Jeoffrey]

Gah!

Its a bit of an AIBU really, but 'Relationship' style responses

I am not sure whether I can trust my judgement atm/any more. Some experiences I have had have left me in a place where I worry that my perspective is skewed. So would really appreciate some objective opinions please

Some body said something which I interpreted to be potentially offensive. I didnt understand why they had said what they said, in the context it was said...and my logic, could only come up with the route as being in prejudice.

I explained to that person how i had heard their comment and why I found it potentially offensive. The person said I had misunderstood. I agreed and asked them to explain. I was still confused after the explanation and asked for further clarity. The reply was that no offense had been intended and that if I had read anything negative into what was said then that was my issue and not theirs. I disagree/disagreed strongly with this and explained why...because I think this is exactly how prejudice and/or bullying is excused in school/the work place. The issue should be with the person who is causing offence.

Anyway....the person became angry and said they were comfortable with themselves/their thoughts; they didnt care what my opinion of them was and didnt want to discuss it further.

I fully accept that they dont care what my opinion is and that they dont want to discuss it further. But in a professional capacity, is there not a bit of an obligation to deal with misunderstandings like this even if you think the person is being ridiculous?

Also....did I push it too far? I wonder now if I should have left it, when the first explanation was given, and not asked for further clarity?

AND how do you judge, whether your reaction is valid, or due to personal ishoos?

Thank you, thank you, if you have waded through that and feel inclined to offer me any advice

Hmm. It's a little bit difficult without knowing what the person said (though I appreciate that you may not wish to share it). On the one hand, bullies often fall back on 'no offense was intended, it;s your problem if you were offended'.
ON the other hand you might have been officious and a bit bullying yourself.

Was the remark offensive to you? Ie was it a negative comment about your race/religion/culture/sexuality/gender? If it wasn't, was there a person present who was of the relevant race, etc?
Also, was it a matter of terminology (eg saying 'coloured' instead of 'Afro-carribbean')? Or a matter of misinformation?

I think all you can do is give her the benefit of doubt this time. Yes bullies tend to say cruel things and then say 'just joking blah blah'. But mostly people aren't going around with malicious intent.

It's not always tha

sorry

that easy to know what will upset people or what will be taken as completely innocuous.

Also I try to remind myself that what people say to me often has a lot to do with them, not me. Equally I think how I interpret what people say is loaded with my own stuff rather than just what they actually say.

If some-one says something and you don't understand, it is common sense to ask for clarity. I would do that. Obviously, you do not want to share the exact wording on a public forum, but it does sound as if the person was a bit flustered when you called them out.

Are you this person's manager? Or are they in a role where their comments might cause offence to customers/clients?

I would really like to tell you what was said....because i know its difficult to comment, without that information

i would hate for the person to find it though. Hmm...

SGB yes, I wonder if I sounded a bit 'affronted'. Is it normal to look back on an interaction and not be able to judge your own mannerisms/behaviour/tone of voice???

waffly I really didnt mean that the person was being a bully. I meant that his reasoning shouldnt be used, because it is a common bullying tactic. But i can completely see that he may have taken it as an accusation of bullying

mooncup i am a student. It was a lecturer

Withoutnthe exact wording and context we cannot make a judgement. Approximating could give a biased view, please don't. I absolutely understand you may not want to. But some people don't realise something IS offensive, and some people are professionally offended. We rwally are unable to call this one.

If I posted the content of what was said, do you think I could get MNHQ to delete it? would they do that?

the other thing is; i hadnt really realised we were arguing about it until he got outwardly cross.

If i ever get round to telling you what was said...you will see it wasnt that big a deal. I just kind of wanted to understand were he was coming from

haha rinse !!

I dont know why I am scared they will find it!! it just feels sneaky I suppose to be talking 'behind their back' as it were

Although by not wanting to discuss it with me, I suppose they have left me no other option if i want further understanding

If the comment was directed at you and was offensive then you have every right to feel affronted by it. Sadly some people are dicks and even when confronted won't accept they're in the wrong.

Do you want to know if you were right, or if you want to do something further about it?

no it wasnt directed at me, at all
I dont want to do anything further
I suppose I want to know if im a nutcase

It sounds like his 'ishoo', not yours, to be honest. To get cross because someone challenges you politely isn't a great way to behave in a situation - especially as he is in a situation of being more senior than you.

Was it a personal issue or a professional one?

Again it's difficult without knowing what they said. What I was trying to say is should no one ever make a light-hearted joke for instance because some people disguise their bullying a such. in a similar way to saying should no one be allowed to drink alcohol because some people are alcoholics.

Say someone says 'the coloured lady'. That's the done thing in America but not here. You can say 'people here prefer to be called black, saying coloured is not really the done thing these days' but it's hard to say without it being heard as 'OMG you're a massive racist' when probably their intention was to be polite. Now a racist might say it sarkily then claim they were just being polite but that doesn't change the fact that other people were genuinely just misguidedly trying polite. Then they get annoyed because they feel like they are being accused of being racist rather than saying something racist. They can't prove to you that they are not trying to insult you and get defensive and offended at being called racist.

If you've read any MN threads it's easy to see how human it is to get defensive.

He's an idiot and now he's realised that you have picked him up on being and idiot and is embarrassed.