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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Roll in the hay: yay or nay?

73 replies

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 29/06/2013 11:04

This is my first post in an age - I lurk on here a lot, know most of you regulars by name & I know you don't pull any punches - here goes -

I met a guy last night. First date from an online dating site. He's the 2nd person I've met over maybe 6mos. 1st one didn't go anywhere but was a nice afternoon. I am not that experienced in the online thing.

This time was different. We had a good initial connection over text/email. He phoned me which was a bit of a shock(!) and arranged a date.

He's an attractive, arty kind of guy, great fun, a bit zany and had me laughing out loud in no time. We had a really fun time and at the end of the night left me in no doubt that he found me sexy and fun and wanted to see me again, and soon...

I'm 43 years old. I'm living in the husk of a broken 10 yr marriage (together 16 years). H still lives here with me and our 2 children. The marriage broke down when I found the usual shit on his phone, married affair profile, sexts to randomers, and emails for appointments with sex-workers whilst abroad. I went into a 6mo hysterical bonding after finding the shit, and 6mo later asked him if I could look at his phone. He refused, and that night I moved him out of our bedroom. He now lives down the end of the house. We have seperate lives, just coming together for bills mortgage and the children. Its been like this for 1year and 3mos. I find it extremely hard hard going - feel stressed just being around him, not good for my mental health.
He's leaving to work abroad for a few months in October. Our eldest (12)is clear on what's going on, (obvs i didnt tell her what her dad had done!!) and she encourages me to go out and do my own thing. Younger child (5) just accepted we don't share a room anymore.

Back to me. I haven't had any engagement with a man or sex for 6mos and haven't been too bothered (bar a v brieg fling with an old flame). Would it be so terrible if I hooked up with this date guy, for short-term fun, for sex, for some pleasure? I'm fairly sure he's not a keeper, he's a bit of a rolling stone & will be off travelling etc
But I like him, am very attracted etc

In October I'll be very restricted socially between work & commute & children so should I make hay (and roll in it? :) whilst I can??
Date sent me a sweet & sexy text this morning .., & asked if I'd like to come to his "for dinner" ;-)

I guess I'm worried about being slutty at jumping into bed with him. But on the other hand I'm thinking life is short & what's stopping me... Not like the H will hold back when he gets his wings izzit

Sorry this was soooo long & thanks for reading

OP posts:
JacqueslePeacock · 30/06/2013 20:08

Wildflowerlover I'm not sure that's a very helpful post, given the fact the man didn't want to take no for an answer about the condom-free sex. I think his penis size was the least of his problems, and there"s no way the OP is going to be lavishing any attention on it whatsoever now, thankfully.

shameshame · 30/06/2013 20:17

Jeez Wildflower - did you miss the part about him leaving his wallet at home and calling condoms 'passion-killers' when OP expressed her wishes to use one??

Wildflowerlover · 30/06/2013 20:29

Sorry! I was only making a general point about how men's equipment differ in appearance and function depending on age.
I fully agree. It was ridiculous to expect penetrative sex without using a condom. What a chancer!

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 20:43

The hard part is trying to decide if I can make it work here at h

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SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 20:51

Home.

Which version of a world of shit is better?

Trawling through ends and bits hoping to catch the one good fish

Or settling with a man who loves me but we can't seem to make each other content not to mind happy

Is it strange that I felt a sympathy for him that he sought sex outside

Anyway pouring a large gl of wine now

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AKissIsNotAContract · 30/06/2013 20:51

Well done for insisting on a condom and not giving into his pressure.

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 20:55

Hi wildflower

I know about penises.

Thanks though.

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Snazzywaitingforsummer · 30/06/2013 20:59

There's more than one good fish Sherry. And you've said you feel stressed just being around your H. Maybe when he moves out it will all be easier.

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 21:06

Snazzy I'm hoping for a sea-change and nothing less

It will be the greatest challenge of my adult life

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SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 21:16

Sorry for replying to the silly post

Thank you Jacques and Akiss and numerous others

God I'd have loved a great ride from this hot guy but he turned out more like a big glass of tepid milk. Apart from the dodgy moment. What a moment that was. He was completely sizing me up: will she just go with it, will she scream rape, I could see the cogs whirring

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CatsAndTheirPizza · 30/06/2013 22:43

What a sh&t (and like you'd want to risk a STI for a tiddler!).

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 30/06/2013 22:53

And it wasn't like a desperate oh god I need you thing - I think

He just wanted to wank in me

:(

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JacqueslePeacock · 02/07/2013 12:45

Grim grim grim. You deserve a lot better - and I'm sure there are better men out there. Let us know how you get on with the next online date!

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 02/07/2013 15:51

Oh Jacques. I don't think I'm cut out for or ready for dating at all.

I've felt so down and miserable ever since. How naïve of me to rush that situation - But I was trying to get a bite of the apple that is fun and excitement and happiness but it all went arse-ways.

And then to have to come back to the hideous home-life I have, I've actually been in the horrors since.
Don't know what I'm going to do. I just have to hold on til October I suppose but I feel my mental health is under terrible strain, I'm worried about holding onto my job etc.
life is very hard right now.

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Crinkle77 · 02/07/2013 16:52

Go for it as long as you don't become too attached to him and then get hurt.

TobyLerone · 02/07/2013 16:55

You might want to RTFT, Crinkle...

JacqueslePeacock · 02/07/2013 16:58

I don't think you were naive! I think he was just a horrible twat. The problem was all on his side.

I'm not at all surprised your home life is making you feel so down - I can't imagine how anyone would cope with that. If you're not ready for dating, that's absolutely fine of course, and it might be good to have some time away from that, especially if you're under pressure at work as well as at home, but don't let this one twattish man ruin it for you if you're otherwise keen. Of course there will be more twats about, but there are definitely some good blokes out there as well and they will be lucky to have you. Have you got some RL support to help cope with home and work issues?

Oh and Crinkle77, perhaps read the full thread first, eh?

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 02/07/2013 17:51

Thanks for the replies Jacques and everyone

So much of my life is lived out in my head. H and I barely speak. He would chat away happily with me, but I can't bear the sight or sound of him a lot of the time.

I was seeing a vg counsellor which helped. Then counsellor suggested it would be useful for us to attend together to see if we can improve communication for my sake and the children's. between one thing and the other it's taken almost 3 m

OP posts:
SmallSherryforMedicinal · 02/07/2013 17:55

(Sorry - phone) almost 3 months for H to make an appointment - he has to go himself alone first.

I think it's too late for counselling. When I occasionally fantasise about him dropping dead (god forgive me). I would have mortgage paid off and could live where I want to. I'm so full of rage and despair, and when it's not that I feel dead inside and exhausted.

He walks around whistling.

OP posts:
JacqueslePeacock · 02/07/2013 19:02

It sounds far too late for counselling, imo. Can you continue seeing the counsellor on your own? It would be a shame to let your H deprive you of that source of support. Do you have any RL friends you could talk to? I don't think living out your life in your head can be helping you at all.

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 02/07/2013 20:22

I do Jacques, but after a certain point, what more can they say?

Same with my family (who don't live nearby)

I've decided to meet a free legal aid person on Thursday to see what options if any exist. But I know he can't afford to rent anything that wouldn't be utterly grim and depressing.

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cronullansw · 02/07/2013 23:57

Good on you OP for being game in the first place, well done.

And it's very rare to win the lottery with the first ticket you buy. :)

SmallSherryforMedicinal · 03/07/2013 09:08

Thanks cron Smile

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