DP thinks I've got carpet burns on my knees

[Bobolbach]

It sounds so ridiculous this morning, but I'm so unsure of what I should say to dp when he wakes up I thought I would see what advice you could all give.

So not to drip feed too much, dp and I were having a talk about the state of our relationship last night. Things haven't been great for a while, mainly due to the fact we donothing together. We have 3 dc, and have just moved into a new conversion that we've been working on for years. He's always busy doing his stuff or working away whilst I do everything with dc.

Tbh, I think his drinking has a huge amount to play in our problems, although he has cut back lately.

We don't have a good sex life, probably because I'm so bloody tired all the time and I hate sex when he's been drinking, which is most nights.

He'svin a cycle of drinking because he's stressed with dc and or me and then I avoid contact with him and so it continues.

All of this, although makes me unhappy when he's drinking is sortable ( I think). He's made real progress with cutting back and all other stuff can be worked out by refocusing on our relationship and not living such seperate lives.

Anyway, during this discussion last night, he commented onsome dry / rough skin on my knees, asking what it was. It is just dry and rough as I can't be bothered to moisturize and spend a fair amount of time on my knees playing with ds2 and cleaning.

Then he asked if I was having an affair, to which I replied who the hell did he think I would be seeing as I do nothing and don't go out unless it is something to do with the dc. I knew what he was drving at, but played dumb to see what he said. Nothing more was said until we wereboth in bed and I was dropping off.

That's when he asked again what it was on my knees. Again I said it was hard/dry skin. Then he said it's just like the Amy Winehouse song, no good. When I asked what he meant he replied, look it up in the morning.

I've just done that and it's all about getting caught cheating.

All the other relationship stuff aside, and I do realise we need to do some major work to get back on track, how angry would you be if your dp came out with this?

I can't say anything more about what it is, and can't decideif I should be laughing about it as it is so rridiculous and leave it, or be apoplectic with rage.

Tbh, my head is a bit of a mess. Don't know if this is the straw that breaks the camels back or if it is something I should just drop.

Was he drunk last night? It is the alcohol that is feeding his paranoia.
You need to think about whether you can cope with the irrational mood swings and distance that is being caused by his drinking. 'Cutting down' probably won't help as it will just be a cycle of short term fixrs, it needs to be properly addressed.

I know. But unfortunately he thinks it is enough to just cut down when he's home.

His job means he can't drink at all when he's away, usually 2 to 3 weeks at a time, and the culture of this work is hard drinking when at home. He thinks as he can go for long stretches without a drop that he has it all under control. I know this is not the case.

He recently had a fairly major health scare, which changed his behaviour for... 2 weeks.

It's pointless trying to fight against it isn't it?

I'm not really sure if he was drunk or not. He'd been drinking in the afternoon, wine and cider, but this was just before midnight and a for a fair portion of the evening he was asleep on the sofa.

It sounds to.me as though he would think you are having an affair rough knees or not. That he is subconsciously using them as justification for his suspicions.

With him drinking as much as he does, Im afraod if I were you, my discussions with him would be blunt and to the point:

"DH you drink too much and this is messing with you head. It seems it doesnt natter what I say, you renain convinced I am cheating. I am not, and I refuse to discuss this with you any further because until you cut down on the booze it will always override anythig I say". And walk away.

It's not good when a partner doesn't trust the other.

Anyone in a relationship can at some point be slightly "what if" and perhaps take more notice of signs.

What he's doing, though, sounds more like taunting you.
It really sounds like he wanted to change the conversation from his drinking (generically, his role in the relationship problems) to you, and found the first excuse he could find to put you on a back foot.
He's not even accusing you properly, so that you can defend yourself. He's dropping hints.
From your initial reaction he saw that he had annoyed you, so he proceeded.

Now you won't be having conversations about how much time he spends away or his drinking, but about his accusation and how angry about it you are, and you'll avoid him again, and he'll be off drinking, doing his own stuff and avoiding you again.

In the morning, I think you have to get the conversation back to your relationship, that you have been thinking about it, and why he doesn't spend time with you, drinks too much, and comes up with random accusations.
I think you should tell him to choose whether to have a proper relationship and a family, or become a bachelor.
At this point, and without further information, I'd want to have couple's counselling.

If he mentions the dry skin again, just tell him that if he thinks you are having an affair, to pack and leave.

I am sorry. You cannot tackle his drinking, one he can, and he is unlikely to do it when distracting himself with finding you faults, because then you are the problem, not him.

Did he sleep soundly after this? Because you clearly worried on and checked the song first thing in the morning.

What do you want to do ?

My husband obsessively accused me of adultery. It was one of the reasons (along with the fact he was constantly out/away himself and started pushing/grabbing/hitting me when I wouldn't "admit" my adultery) that I left him.

I believe my husband was himself having an affair and was projecting, plus he was generally a very paranoid person and totally dogmatic in his opinions and beliefs. If he believed something to be true then it was true. Exhausting.

If your husband is willing to address his alcohol abuse and accept that it is affecting his mental state then he may be able to address his problems. These are his problems though and you cannot do it for him. Good luck. If you decide to stay youll need it.

he needs to decide for himself, but you have every right to lay on the line for him what effect it is having on you ond your marriage, then you can tell whether he loves the bottle more than you.

He is distancing himself completely at the moment, by working away and then being emotionally absent through drinking when he is at home.

you need to decide whether this is the straw for you and if you are ready to come out fighting, or if you need to wait until you are in a place where you can deal with those repercussions.
it is possible for him to change, but it won't be easy for him or you.

I agree with Chub. My ExH was constantly questioning me about where i was or what i was doing while he was away with work. Like you i was bogged down looking after 4 kiddies. All the time he was logging on to adult websites and chatting and meeting other women!!!!

Please try to get him in a sober state and talk straight to him. you need to work at sorting this now otherwise u are going to end up with no marriage left to save.

hugs and support going your way x

I don't know. If there were no children involved I wouldn't put up with this, but tbh the dc and I have a great life together with him on the side iyswim.

Logistically I can't see a way out for me withoyt major upheaval for the dc. We live in quite an isolated area, my previous job, before I became a sahm was located a good 1.5 hours drive away. I couldn't leave here, stay in the same area and get a decent job. Plus, he would never leave this house as it is on his parents farm.

Tbh, if he didn't work away so much I wouldn't cope.

It sounds like your life would be better without him.

Why don't you start working on the practicalities?

Get legal and financial advice, work out finances, etc.

You don't have to leave, but you will feel in a much stronger position to tell him to stop drinking, etc, or you get out.

It may not be as bad as you think.
Do you have support in RL?

I couldn't leave here, stay in the same area and get a decent job.

This. Tell him that you are prepared to leave, and it will have to be to a different area where you can get a decent job.

He's asked before, maybe 3 or 4 times.

As I said, I don't know when he thinks I've been having this carpet burn inducing rampant sex. I'm always at home. Heknows this, when he's away he phones a lot.

Sounds terrible, but we talk more when he's away than when he is at home

So he's got you physically and financially isolated. Nice.

If staying with him is only bearable because he's not actually there much it's not much of a marriage is it? Me and my husband were both miserable, in the end I had the guts to pull the plug. He claims to be terribly sad about it all but he would say that, wouldn't he? I think he's living the life of Riley from what I can tell.

There are ways and means for you to make a life for yourself. If you are only staying out of expediency then he will sense this, it's probably feeding the whole cycle of absence/drinking/arguments/accusations/deflecting.

Don't stay in this shell of a relationship for the children. Mine are thriving now.

My family live 500 miles away, but 1 friend know us from pre dc and knows what he can be like. No one else where I live knows what he is like.

I don't have very many friends. Probably because I never fucking go anywhere. Friends are ' have a coffe, chat about school dc' type. Not pour your heart out and cry.

I'm sorry, going to have to go. All dc up and need to go out for swimming lessons. Think I'll take off to the beach for the rest of the day with them. I can't be doing with this. Although that's probably why its gone on for so long and now there are 3 dc in the mix.

I'll check back in later. I know what you're all going to say........ I've read enough relationship threads!

Bugger, I should be a sodding expert.

Honestly? I'd tell him to sort out his drinking. He's not well if he's basically going from red knees to an affair.

Have a good day with the children

Oh love, this doesn't look good at all.
I agree with the poster thats said it's projection. I'd be asking him who he's with.

Enjoy your day with dc's

Do you have DDs OP? Do you want them to ever feel like they should stay in this sort of relationship? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking this is how to treat their wife?

Stay, and this will happen.

Back in the day I worked at Boots and during a refit I spent a lot of time on my knees cleaning, filling shelves etc. My knees were really dirty and my then 'D'P accused me of having an affair. It was ridiculous, your post reminded me of him.

He was also a twat when drunk. I left after 6 years of his drinking, EA and low level DV.

There's a depressing number of men like this out there.

Many years ago, I lived in an apartment block with my H and two children. A new woman moved in upstairs; she was very nice, friendly and asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her in her flat. H was unhappy that I said yes. A few hours later and back in my own flat after a nice chat and dinner with new neighbour who could have become a nice new friend, my H began to rant that I had had sex with her, that he could hear 'moaning and the headboard banging off the wall'.

So humiliating. The worst thing is that I tried to smooth it all over. Much alcohol was also involved over many years. I doubt he could even remember the incident now or the many others. But I do. Oh yes indeed. We are now divorced.

Good luck OP and trust your instincts.

Bonus for his paranoia, you having no time for basic pampering. How sad is that. What good is a comfy new home when one half of a couple is a pressure cooker.

If it is projection, yes he has opportunity to cheat when he is away such a lot. It may just be the drink talking. I would say there are already 3 in the mix: you, him, the bottle.

Of course three children are also affected by this. A day at the beach should be carefree - not spent worrying what next.

Looking ahead, how do you measure upheaval for DCs - a difficult but necessary split to ensure safety and wellbeing, or the prospect of an angry unhappy dad who is absent a lot of the time then coming back to upset the calm and get mum on edge and slowly poison family life?

Paranoia or projection, he might check your mobile phone or pc next so be careful to log out of MN so you can offload here without him eavesdropping.

Please go to Al-Anon and get some support

hes just finding reasons to blame you, so that it is your fault that he continues to drink. Its smoke and mirrors.

You cant deal with naything else in your relationship, until he deals with his drinking

You need to care very good care of you and the kids