Private detective seeks advice.

[AbigailSpagibail]

DP and I often talk on Facebook chat when apart and - I am guessing unbeknownst to him - he has the location tracker on, which means I can see where he is when he messages me. Quite a few friends I chat to have this on; I probably do too. It shows up a little map and is always really specific and accurate.

I'm visiting friends this week, and he's supposed to be working today. I messaged him this morning with a picture of something he'd like, and was surprised when he replied straightaway - he doesn't normally when at work. So I clicked the location map... And he wasn't at work, but in a residential street about six roads from his house (opposite direction from his work/town). I then messaged asking if he was at work figuring there was a simple explanation, but he said yes, he was at work. From his messages I've seen that he stayed there for a while, then progressed across town to outside his work, where he called to say he was on a break and had had a horrible morning dealing with customers.

He has a history of telling little white lies to avoid arguments, and I've been annoyed with his lack of work ethic lately. I suspect he went to visit a friend (though I don't know anyone who lives on that road) but doesn't want to tell me because I'll be annoyed at him going to work late again.

So, wise MNetters, what do I do? Confront (and he'll then turn off the tracker)?

He is lazy and lies, this is who he is. If these are characteristics that you can't live with, then for gods sake don't.

Checking up on him to catch him out on his inevitable lying, is this the type of relationship that you want?

T

I think it's more likely the tracker is wrong- mine sometimes says one place and sometimes another a few miles away. I've noticed that on my friends' too.

I don't know what to do. He's already denied being anywhere but work (and I gave him a get-out, saying "I thought you were on a late?") so I doubt he'll admit to lying. Maybe he's not lying, and the tracker is wrong, in which case he'll be annoyed that I suspected him of lying. The only way I could know for sure would be to look through his phone, which I have no interest in doing.

What a mess.

you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to track his movements like this. If you feel the need to check up on his location then clearly you already have trust issues and you don't even live together yet.

It's one thing to click on a location out of curiosity, it's quite another to track someone across town.

Think about how you would feel if someone had done this to you, and whether you would feel you were being stalked/controlled. if you have issues with your dp the way to resolve them is through communication, not by stalkin him across town to try and catch him out.

I would just be totally honest and tell him what you saw and ask him where he was.

Otherwise it becomes game playing.

If you want an honest relationship, you need to be honest too.

Do you like this relationship?
It wouldnt do for me.

My Facebook thing says I'm about 4 miles from where I actually live..

This tracker thing makes me shudder because I don't understand why people feel the need to track another adult's movements, but in any case it's a complete red herring.

What you've said about the rest of your relationship and your basic incompatibility is the issue.

Quite agree Leaven.
Didnt know it existed
Still dont get the point of it.
Either you trust where your OH is, or you dont.
Having them tracked doesnt mean anything.

Except if you were going to divorce or thinking of seperating I suppose.

I'm not having anyone tracked! It's a function that you have to opt out of on Facebook, which most people don't bother to do. Do you think anyone I speak to on it is tracking me too? Lots of people have said they find it inaccurate so perhaps that's what's happened here.

I will admit to being quite a suspicious person because an ex did cheat on me (a serious double life kind of cheating). Seeing the mismatch between where DP said he was, and where Facebook said he was, did throw me a bit. Like I said from the start I don't think he's cheating and can understand why he'd lie.

I'm also dog-sitting for a friend today and bored so giving it much more thought than I normally would

If it were me, I'd opt out of it then. But I wouldn't ever excuse lying and wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who did that. You know he lies so you don't need any further proof of that. Maybe the next thing to tackle is why you're excusing that and why you want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you and with whom you appear to be incompatible?

Why do you think we're incompatible, out of interest?

The previous lying was during a period when he was severely depressed, and was not about anything important. It did make me reconsider the relationship because I don't like lying, but he's no longer depressed and we get on brilliantly again. We're very different people but as a highly-strung workaholic (!) I've found I'd much rather be with someone who is different to me - we balance each other. He makes me laugh a lot and is the most caring, loving person I've ever been with.

Tournesol I am the world's worst secret-keeper, so I'll probably mention it when I see him next. You're right.

My tracker is frequently wrong. I stayed at my boyfriend's house one night and it said I was on his street for the next two days. I wasn't. We joked it was ruining my stalking efforts!

Just saying, they really do get it wrong a lot. I would be concerned at the level of trust though as you say that because he sent you a fb message at a strange time you automatically decided to check his location. That doesn't sound like a normal reaction to me, and you say he has a history of lying.

I'm not in the habit of checking his location, it's just I didn't expect a response because he doesn't normally reply when he's working. When he did reply, I asked if he was at work expecting him to say "no, I'm ill" or that he had holiday or something. Because he didn't reply straight away I looked to see where he was - which is nosy, I agree!

Mine is off, but I've noticed my son can be showing as in a small village nearby, or another place about 3 miles away. All when he's in the house. I think it depends which transmitter your phone or Internet is routed through at any one time. Ie if the local one is broken or overloaded. I've explained this really badly, but think you can get the gist of my reply.

Why incompatible?

Because you've said he's got a history for telling you lies, skiving and not taking a responsible attitude to work and saving. You said he would only admit to a lie when you have concrete proof.

Is that what you want in a partner? Only you can answer that.

Sometimes when I post on FB if the IPad hasn't updated it shows me as still being at my parents home which is a town in the Midlands, not where I actually am posting from. I don't think it's fool proof.

FB always shows me as being at the opposite end of our (very long) road so I think it's a glitch.

Thanks everyone, I feel much better about it now! I'll mention it when I see him but don't think there's much point in an accusatory phone call. I think I'm just oversensitive today due to being bored and finding saving up hard.

Facebook chat location thing isn't accurate at all! Mine always puts me as being in a different part of town entirely, same town, different part of the town if that makes sense. In fact I've just googled the distance between my actual location and my "facebook location" and it's about 3.6 miles so totally inaccurate in some cases.

I do agree these location trackers are hideous. The worst one for me is foursquare, because I know far too many people who broadcast their every movement through it on facebook/twitter. What the hell for, and who the fuck cares?

What the hell for, and who the fuck cares?

Burglars? Seriously, does no one think about this sort of thing but me?! You wouldnt talk in a loud voice in the street about going on holiday for two weeks as you load up the car, but you will broadcast it on FB AND confirm that you are not home with these trackers things!

Because a random burglar is definitely going to have me as a friend on facebook...

Mine often says I'm in Weston Super Mare, when I'm actually across the water in South Wales!