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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Gutted. This is bad, isn't it? (long, sorry)

47 replies

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:35

When we moved overseas two years ago, i left a high-powered, well-paid jobso we could move for DH's work. It was both our decision for him to change career to one which would allow us to travel. We have both always wanted to live in different places. His job provides for kids schooling, moving costs, living expenses etc.
When we moved I was 7.5 months pregnant with DC3, so didnt really think much about working again for around nine months. I did start taking lessons in local language when DC was 3 months old.
DH was very negative about me going back to work, which kind of threw me. I persevered and found, to my surprise, that my expertise is highly sought after here and I was immediately offered multipe jobs. Pay is terrible, but i love what i do and i have had the opportunity to move into a slightly different field in what i do at a very high level. This is an opportunity i would never get in the UK, and i feel is helping me develop my skills so i am more likely to get a job again when we return to the UK.
I negotiated with the people i work for to have very flexible hours and to be allowed to freelance for other similar groups. They happily agreed this.
DH has been quite unsupportive of all this even though i pick up all the slack when it comes to childcare or children waking in the night etc during the week. If i need to go in to work for a few hours at a weekend, he huffs and puffs about it. I can easily tell work i cant come, but the projects we do are my responsibility and i take pride in making sure they are perfect. Also, Bear in mind, he regularly goes tp meetings iat the weekend, and i happily cover for him without any complaint at all. I am happy to support him.
He always argues that i am paid peanuts. But i love my job.
Recently he has also been making pointed remarks about my weight. I havent lost all my baby weight but i am not overweight, although he inisists that i am and says he is worried he will stop fancying me. I am five foot nine and weigh around 11 stone. This is a good stone more than i would like, but I am rushing around all day and i play tennis once a week, going to up it to twice a week if i can. I am so upset about this.
I dont eat a great deal, although i probably do drink too much white wine.
He, of course, is a goody two shoes who hardly ever drinks and goes to the gym a lot etc. Although he says he us really unhappy with his own weight too.
He is involved with the kids. Drives the elder ones to school and does packed lunches. Plays tennis, cricket,cycling etc with them at weekends. Although he has tonight started saying he is too tired to be left alone with them at weekends. This after me spening the last three weekends plus one week alone with them. He Also does most of the cooking at the weekend' although no cleaning, washing etc.
We have a nanny/housekeeper in the week,but DH regularly rings me at work to say it is unfair that she should be left alone with the three of them for too long, ie I should go home and relieve her.
Who is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 27/06/2013 20:39

He is. He sounds awful.

ClartyCarol · 27/06/2013 20:42

Well I think you know don't you?

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:42

He does doesnt he? Fuck

OP posts:
FingersCrossedLegsNot · 27/06/2013 20:42

He is....what an arse!

SoulTrain · 27/06/2013 20:43

I'm sorry but your DH sounds awful. He's obviously trying to control you and to say "I'm worried I won't fancy you" is not only a thinly veiled threat but is absolutely unforgivable IMO.

It sounds to me like he's threatened by you being in demand by others.

Did he behave like this before you moved?

betterthanever · 27/06/2013 20:43

Your ex sounds fed up and I think what ever it is that is troubling him is making him behave this away against you - it isn't you that is the problem it his him and he needs to address his own unhappiness. I am so sad to hear your story as it sounds like you should be having a happy life and you are not. I hope he can resolve what ever is troubling him or he will loose everything.

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:43

And, god, thanks to anyone who has waded through that

OP posts:
nowwearefour · 27/06/2013 20:44

You know that you already know the answer to your own q.

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:46

Yes, exactly what I have told him. This is a problem in his head, it is not my problem.
He was a bit resentful of the amount of time my previous job in the UK took me away from family. But i had to do it to support his career change, so there was no choice.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 27/06/2013 20:46

He is. Have his views changed since moving abroad? Is it possible he is being influenced by colleagues with 'traditional' marriages? My best friend emigrated to another European country some years back, and since having DC she has been astonished by some of the attitudes she and her DH have encountered regarding her having a career, especially that it requires frequent trips away. The difference is, they are both on the same page.

I do wonder though if your DH may be depressed, given the snappiness and criticism. Not that that's an excuse for saying such mean things.

RandomMess · 27/06/2013 20:47

Do you think he is happy with his job? Any chance he could have met one someone else and is justifying it by criticising you?

dufflefluffle · 27/06/2013 20:49

He is not being decent or supportive or loving towards you. If he had behaved like this in the begining would you have stuck around? Probably not so it needs to be looked at.

CatInWellies · 27/06/2013 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:55

We do live in a country with traditional values, but he mostly works with people from our own culture. He works long hours and has little opportunity to meet anyone else. We live a few minutes from where he works as well.
However, when we first arrived here two years ago, he developed a friendship that made me feel quite threatened. She has moved on since then, although he has had to make work trips to where she is, but not for several months now. So, i dont know. It is feasible i suppose.
Our sex life recently has been a bit slow, although it does still happen...

OP posts:
MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 20:57

Yes, i am also thinking maybe he is unhappy with his job and maybe because i love mine, i am not listening to that.
It is all food for thought, and i really appreciate all your input. Thanks so much for your replies, this is really helping me a lot.

OP posts:
sweetpeasunday · 27/06/2013 21:01

All sounds wearingly familiar. Cooking can be done for pleasure, especially if it means you are looking after dcs when he does it. He does not think you have the same right to a fulfilling professional life as he does , he does not see it as his role to be supportive, he is using the family as emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty about having professional interests, he is undermining your confidence in your body and at the same time threatening to withdraw intimacy, he does not think you have the right to a break or support at weekends. You, we, can speculate till kingdom come about the reasons, but frankly, it's a shit way to behave to someone you are supposed to love.

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 21:02

I am a few hours ahead of you guys, so if I disappear, it is because i have fallen asleep. Also have one child with fever, so need to tend to them. However, i will come back, and I really appreciate the support, thanks so much.

OP posts:
MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 21:05

Hi sweetpeas. Yes, you have summed up exactly how i see it. I am relieved to see that others see it this way too.

OP posts:
sweetpeasunday · 27/06/2013 21:06

I just feel really very sorry to be reading this. He needs to wake up and see what he has got (a beautiful, caring, intelligent woman as his wife and mother of his dcs) because it sounds like he takes that for granted and is doing everything to undermine you.

Threatening female friendships, did you ever say anything?

I hope dc fever improves.

Bexicles · 27/06/2013 21:08

To be fair to him, he sounds like a very hands on lovely dad when he's not tired. He's obviously working hard. He doesn't drink and is making an effort to keep fit by going to the gym. The comment re your weight was out of order though. Maybe you need to spend some time together as a couple, sounds like you have very separate interests. Could you not go to the gym together?

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 21:11

Yes I did say something about that. It caused a lot of rows and we dont row that often at all actually. He did not agree with me about it at all, but he did put the keibosh on it. Still exchanged friendly texts and emails though. I have no idea if they have seen each other since she left here. Although i think they must have when he has had work trips to where she is now.

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 27/06/2013 21:12

I'm sorry - but it would appear you are married to a complete arse.

Make the most of every opportunity you have to gain skills out there that will benefit you when you return to the UK.

If you need to go in at the weekend, then go in, ignore his whining.

I hope you don't come home to relieve the nanny? If you do then stop, if she can't cope, get a new one - if it's just him tell him to do it himself if he's so bothered.

Protect your career fiercely - I have a strong feeling you are going to need it!

I'm not surprised your sex life isn't great - if I was married to him it would be non existent. I don't find controlling, nasty, whining, pathetic men at all attractive and I'd tell him so.

Hope the DC feels better soon.

MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 21:13

We never used to have separate interests at all. He used to work in the same industry as me until he switched career. We have always had the same values and stuff. Although i have long felt that he can be a bit dismissive of me being too "assertive". i dont think i am any more assertive than any man, but i think that is the issue for him. He would like me to be more demure in my opinions

OP posts:
MeinShoWeinLeishKam · 27/06/2013 21:15

Hello Chipping. yes, I did ask him this evening why on earth I would want to have sex with someone who told me when and if i could work and who complained about my weight. He was fairly quiet after than

OP posts:
ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 27/06/2013 21:17

Was he just. Hopefully it sank in a bit.

What was he like before he changed jobs?

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