Gutted. This is bad, isn't it? (long, sorry)

[MeinShoWeinLeishKam]

When we moved overseas two years ago, i left a high-powered, well-paid jobso we could move for DH's work. It was both our decision for him to change career to one which would allow us to travel. We have both always wanted to live in different places. His job provides for kids schooling, moving costs, living expenses etc.
When we moved I was 7.5 months pregnant with DC3, so didnt really think much about working again for around nine months. I did start taking lessons in local language when DC was 3 months old.
DH was very negative about me going back to work, which kind of threw me. I persevered and found, to my surprise, that my expertise is highly sought after here and I was immediately offered multipe jobs. Pay is terrible, but i love what i do and i have had the opportunity to move into a slightly different field in what i do at a very high level. This is an opportunity i would never get in the UK, and i feel is helping me develop my skills so i am more likely to get a job again when we return to the UK.
I negotiated with the people i work for to have very flexible hours and to be allowed to freelance for other similar groups. They happily agreed this.
DH has been quite unsupportive of all this even though i pick up all the slack when it comes to childcare or children waking in the night etc during the week. If i need to go in to work for a few hours at a weekend, he huffs and puffs about it. I can easily tell work i cant come, but the projects we do are my responsibility and i take pride in making sure they are perfect. Also, Bear in mind, he regularly goes tp meetings iat the weekend, and i happily cover for him without any complaint at all. I am happy to support him.
He always argues that i am paid peanuts. But i love my job.
Recently he has also been making pointed remarks about my weight. I havent lost all my baby weight but i am not overweight, although he inisists that i am and says he is worried he will stop fancying me. I am five foot nine and weigh around 11 stone. This is a good stone more than i would like, but I am rushing around all day and i play tennis once a week, going to up it to twice a week if i can. I am so upset about this.
I dont eat a great deal, although i probably do drink too much white wine.
He, of course, is a goody two shoes who hardly ever drinks and goes to the gym a lot etc. Although he says he us really unhappy with his own weight too.
He is involved with the kids. Drives the elder ones to school and does packed lunches. Plays tennis, cricket,cycling etc with them at weekends. Although he has tonight started saying he is too tired to be left alone with them at weekends. This after me spening the last three weekends plus one week alone with them. He Also does most of the cooking at the weekend' although no cleaning, washing etc.
We have a nanny/housekeeper in the week,but DH regularly rings me at work to say it is unfair that she should be left alone with the three of them for too long, ie I should go home and relieve her.
Who is being unreasonable here?

I guess we were on more of an equal footing because were in the same industry. Maybe we have lost a connection since he switched careers. Maybe i just didnt notice all this crap because it was masked by other stuff. I dont know. I do think it is telling that his parents have never shown one iota of interest in what i do for a living, even when i was the main breadwinner. So maybe that has had a knock on effect...

Yep, he sounds controlling and awful.

I'm 5'6" and could only dream of ever seeing 11 stone again. That is not overweight.

Tell him you don't think you fancy him anymore since he turned into a misogynistic arse.

I really think you need to have it out with him about his views. He has decided that your exclusive role is to be a dutiful wife and mother, without seeming to take your views into account at all. Has he always been like this? What was he like when you were working in the UK and you had the 2 older DC? Do you think that he has always been jealous of your success in your career?

I would also be wondering about an affair. Sorry.

What chipping and sweetpea said. If he starts accusing you of cheating on him as well then he really will have pulled off a full house of twunt behaviour.

There's no excuse for the way he is treating you. None at all. He needs a serious wake up call. Do everything in your power to protect your career. Do not let him convince you that he, and therefore you and the children, would be happier if you were a housewife. He sounds controlling and downright nasty frankly.

I have no intention at all of compromsing on my career. Luckily i work for someone who really values what i do and is completely understanding about family demands (one of the upsides of the culture here).
I will not let this lie. I posted here to make sure i hadnt lost perspective and it appears i had not. I really appreciatel the time you have all given me, and i will persevere in the way i feel about this. Thank you all so much.

Could it be that he is feeling threatened? By your independence, ease with which you adapted and got the bull by the horns and just got on with life?

It has happened to me, I thought he would be pleased/proud, never in a million years did it ever cross my mind he could feel threatened. But he just was and resented me for it.
The fact that he constantly puts you down re your earnings, attempt to learn the language, leaving the helper with your children... It's the only thing I can think of.

Time to have a serious chat, I think. Also, whilst I am not suggesting you bow to his demands, maybe it's an idea if you make space/time just for the two of you. Take him to a movie and then stop for a glass of something and a chat, or an exhibition. Socialise together. What broke my DH's arsiness was something really really stupid, I lost my jar lid opener and asked him to open the jar for me, I watched astounded and in total disbelief how proud and important he felt when he was able to do something for me. I married a fool.

He doesn't sound totally awful. Just a self-important ass who has lost track of the partnership side of things.

He needs to be reminded of a few salient facts. Preferably at a meeting with the agenda pre-set.

High on my agenda would be the fancying issue. He's worried he will stop fancying you? Worry on pal. Let him be aware that it's very hard to fancy a self-satisfied prat. And any self-satisfied prat who is showing signs of controlling behaviour might just make himself totally undesirable.

He is negative about your work? Why should that be when you have supported him? Work isn't just about money. It's about self-worth and value. Why would he undermine that? It's hard to bring up children and retain that sense of independent worth. Why does he think that he should deny you that? Why would he want to?

And finally, he finds the children tiring all on his own. Well, that's not even worth a response. Does he think you get less tired?

I'm not one for giving up on relationships lightly. It takes hard work and lots of negotiation.

I'm recommending hard work and negotiation right now. He needs to know that it's not all one-sided and he doesn't get to call the shots.

Good luck

Wierdly, he was much more succesful in "our" career than i ever was. He is extremely good at what he does now.
After he switched careers, he was quite resentful of the hours or my job, even though it was paying for him to switch over as i was earning twice what he was. I did feel he was unsupportive then as well, although he acknowleged that in the end, and changed his attitude. It is reallY since we emigrated that i have noticed that this has become more entrenchec iyswim

You sound like quite a catch tbh, and he sounds like a silly selfish arsehole. How dare he undermine you at every turn. Worryingly, he sounds very controlling. I'm not a LTB type really but this is not on.

Yup, running, i have absolutely said all of that to him. You have it in a nutshell. It is so helpful that so many of you are saying exactly what i am thinking. I am going to see what he comes out with in the morning about all of this and take it from there

Gay40 (blush)!

Hi MeinSho,
You sound totally great. He is trying to undermine and control you and I feel for you. He should be thanking his lucky stars that he has a life partner as lovely as you, but instead he is being a shit. Don't let him grind you down. You sound like you know which way is UP on this. Good luck and stay strong. Does he really think he can act like this and get away with i? You can show him he can't. Grrrr!

PS sorry for typos (MN cardinal sin etc)

He's worried he'll stop fancying you because of your weight? Prick. That's him mentally making a note, so that if he ever says, "Things have been going wrong since x time." He'll use that as an anchor to dump the blame at your door.

You sound like a catch OP, I feel for you having this weight of him (ironically) trying to drag you down at every stage. Just having to fight your corner must take its toll. Look after yourself.

PS running, yes, I have told him absolutely it is npne of his business whatsoever (a) whether or when i work and (b) whether i increase the amount of exercise I do

Turnip. Yup, thats pretty much what i called him.

I have to turn in now, it is late where i am. But i will be looking this thread up first thing and thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me, it is really helping me a lot.

Ah, running, on the tiredness front, my (now separated) husband did actually say that I could cope with a lack of sleep, bf toddler, demanding job and running a house because... I was a woman. Yep.

But not to hi-jack. OP, your judgement is sound, your feelings are valid and justified. Hold on to that. As poppy says, don't be ground down. I totally wish you all the best, and hope he sees sense, and becomes the supportive husband you deserve before too much damage is done and you really start to resent him. And yes, keep the career

Is he still texting and emailing his friend?.... I would look further into that aspect if I were you.

I wonder if your DH is one of those guys that talks the talk about equality but doesn't walk the walk. There are many of them about and they just seem to become worse after baby number 2. Many women that move to another country to accompany their husbands on taking up a new career posting, especially with 3 children would struggle to find meaningful employment / continue their career, which means the power balance in the relationship changes. I would guess your husband would not have said as much, but somewhere was secretly thinking you would end up as a SAHW, maybe with a little bit of voluntary / hobby work on the side; the comments about his parents showing no interest in your career shows the way he has been brought up and the value placed on a woman's career in theit household.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing in keeping your career going and he needs to 'lean in' at home. I doubt the woman at work thing was serious, she probably was a bit of light relief from the demands of a real relationship with someone who knows him and will hold him to account.

I would say you have some challenging years ahead but men can come round to the advantages of having a more egalitarian set up and realise their wives and partners are not just there to service them, the children and care give to the wider family.

Good luck.

I agree with Lady. It sounds me to like he (perhaps unconsciously) liked the idea of him being the career hotshot for once, with you the little lady at home, and he resents the fact that he didn't get that. I would find that a major turn-off in a man - he gets to be bigger by you being smaller.

I don't want to race too far ahead to LTB, but I wouldn't really want to be with someone who actively tried to prevent me living up to my potential.

And the weight thing - ugh. You are not overweight and how very dare he.

OP

whatever happens

KEEP WORKING

thats all I would say, relationship wise I dont know. but DO NOT stop work

and he can fuck off saying he is too tired for kids at weekend too!