Being honest with DH

[Lovemyfamily]

The is really embarrassing for me to ask this but I do not know how to be honest without affending or hurting my DH,
I've feel that when my DH and I make love he doesn't make an effort with his personal hygiene, and it puts me off having sex. he enjoys me especially going down on him and as did I but I try to avoid it know, I get strong urine smells from him whilst down there along with other smells, and it puts me off, I feel really vain and awful saying this.
I think he feels I am not attracted to him anymore which I am I just can't bring myself to explain that,,
See certain smells also take me bk to when I was being abused by my step father, and its like a switch gets flicked on and I instantly switch off all those intimate parts n feelings, and I can't control it either?
I have tried to explain this before and it was ok for a bit?

Being blunt is needed here.
With my ex, I used to just say, 'if you want me to go down on you, you need to go and give it a good wash'
Sounds harsh but he wasn't offended (I don't think) and used to go and do it.
Not very spontaneous I know but just ask him to wash it.
Talk to him again about how it brings back memories and make sure he understands.
Sorry you went through that.

Agree. Blunt is the way forward. Hellsbells has said it all

He shrugs and says that I'm not spontaneous all the time!
Th

You need to spell it out!! Nobody could be expected to put up with that.. you are not being vain at all.

Sent to quick there!
Says that all the time and that there is never any fun that everything has to be organised! Ie i shower before hand!
To me it's just me making sure I'm tip top down there for him,
He said the last time we spoke about it that I made him feel like a sweaty and dirty man? I felt awful afterwards and just want to try and avoid that again for him.

He'll shower once a day in the morning,

If he's showering everyday (and washing it thoroughly!) he shouldn't really need to shower again unless he is really careless when he goes to the loo. Could a swift wipe round with a baby wipe help? I keep packs of them on top of all the loos for all of us and occasionally do make a point of saying "you go and make yourself all fresh and lovely for me and I'll be up in a moment".

I wouldn't dream of letting DP put his hand down my trousers without having had a freshen up, let alone his mouth, so your DH needs to understand that its not about name calling or being horrible its about having some respect for each other. If he wants you to do that for him, he needs to make it pleasant for you, otherwise you just won't do it.

Its an awkward conversation to have, but if handled well and hopefully with a bit of fun it shouldn't be taken as an insult to him. Perhaps buy some nice hand soap (I've got a chocolate orange one which DP delights in using to wash his bits so I get a chocolate orangey experience when I go down on him!!)

It could be that your past experience is making it seem worse to you, as it may just be a normal manly aroma & pheromones that you find off-putting because of the associations, in which case perhaps you should just stick to using your hands and hopefully he will understand why. You can still make it fun with lube etc so he's not missing out!

Nearly nc for this but what the hell...

If I say to my DH "how about you go take a shower? " with a suggestive wink, you should see how quick he moves. He knows when he gets back I'll pounce on him! Can you start something like that? Just mention you'd really like to go down on him and you'll enjoy it somuch of he takes a shower first?

If he complains about being made to feel dirty just say after sweating all day he probably is and a clean smell is more of a turn on than urine. It's just a biolobiological fact and women are the same. Our can you tell him about certain smells giving you flashbacks? Put like you did here sounded good.

Yes Strop, I agree, make the shower/freshen-up part of the fun. I meant to say that too, take the blame away from him for being a soap-dodger and put it on the abuser (although not on yourself for feeling this way). Its not that you want to use what happened to you, but if it may be a contributing factor then it should be mentioned and your H should be sensitive to that.

He knows that this is a trigger for you, yet still doesn't shower and expects you to be 'spontaneous'. He wouldn't be getting his leg over here, let alone anything else.

Better spontaneity being compromised than abstinence, surely. Grudging attitude on his part.

Another option is to grab him and pull him in for a sexy shower? Lots of soap and wash him, make him wash you too!

If you've tried to explain before and it was on for a bit perhaps your language was too gentle? Men can be a bit dense about the need to maintain behaviours not just start them. Or perhaps he thinks like so many do that is something you'll get over (I'm trying to be generous and assume he's not just selfish). Remind him of your experience and hand him the soap!

I think he is a bit careless during the day with wiping,,
Almost every time we do have sex I end up irritated down there and end up sometimes with a water infection, I instantly shower afterwards to help with that,, If I were to say go up and freshen your self up for me, he'd go up brush his teeth n have a pee!?
I need to try n hint, why don't you grab a shower it'll relax u after working hard etc, it'll be why you saying I'm stinking? And ill reply no! To save the awkwardness and bickering... I feel a bit relived that other woman wouldn't want this or just get on with it,,
Thing is know I really need to be careful know every time I have sex with DH I bleed for weeks afterwards even tho my period is not due, and I have constantly bled for months with only a few days to a week between periods so I'm also wanting to be extra careful over preventing infections etc,,, this is not the whole reason why but is making me more aware of it too.
I feel I need to tell him as I feel I'm hurting him in other ways as he does not know the truth,, ie, him feeling in wanted in that way etc!! But it's causing him to seek at tension elsewhere know, he can't see it, but I see him having innocent flirting with other woman, I know know he'd never hurt me and have an affair that's its just innocent and that it could be he enjoys having a woman pay him attention?

I make it part of the play as well. He shifts fast if he knows he's in for a BJ.

If he wants one that much then he'll go freshen up first without the pet lip.. Or he doesn't get one. The end. what's wrong with a wash in the sink even?

Sorry - your last post is very confusing, but it sounds to me like you need to get yourself thoroughly checked out - and him too.

Wait... what? You need to be careful of infections from him? Does he know that? Screw sensitivity he needs to be told outright! I'd be making him go down the dr if sex did that to me. I'd also be getting myself down the GUM clinic. And flirting? Out of order. Remind him no other woman would want an overly fragrant man either.

That really doesn't sound normal. I think you should make an appointment with the GP.

By the way - I would send my DH to the shower if he smelt widdly - completely reasonable request!

I really think that you need to see your GP. It is not normal to bleed after sex and that needs investigating urgently. I dont want to worry you but please get this investigated.

Also you say you were abused as a child i am so sorry to read that. This may well be skewing the way you feel about oral sex - you know, you don't have to do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable, clean or not, if this is uncomfortable for you then just don't do it. Maybe you could get some counselling to help you with your feelings over this. Of course he should be clean but if he showers every day he should be.

This doesn't sound right. Never mind his hurt feelings if you can't face a BJ without him washing, tell him you are staying off intercourse until you get your health checked. Make sure you're washing with something pH balanced and non-irritating (nothing fragranced) until you get to see your GP if you can't get to a clinic.

You should not be worrying about infections, go to a doctor. My husband will have a 'gentleman's wash' if not a shower before we do anything remotely sexual. I wouldn't want to go near anyone's genitalia after a day in pants.

But the washing issue seems a lot less significant after what you've just said.

You should definitely see someone about the bleeding and get and STI screen (preferably for you both).

To me, it's normal to shower before dtd unless you have showered just a few hours before and not done much in the meantime. So showering before going out for dinner, coming home and dtd would be fine for me; showering before work, commuting, working, commuting wouldn't - I would expect both of us to want to shower again before dtd. This has been the case for most relationships I have been in. And there is no way I would go down on anything except a clean one!

I have seen a gp and a gyno specialist they think the bleeding could be a number of things,, sorry I should of said!
I've not said to him either that I want to be careful in case of infection that's just my worry on causing more problems down there! He can be very forgetful sometimes due to stress at work and I guess that's what happened over our last talk? I think he is trying to be patient but he's obviously frustrated also?
He doesn't see the flirting, he says that it is not his intensions and I have picked it up wrong! That he's just having a carry on and that he's not going to stop talking or having a carry on with folk,
Maybe it's just the way I'm feeling?