Can I really cut my mum off?

[ManAliveThisThingsFantastic]

She's not a nice person at all. She frequently tells me how much I ruined her life by being born, I'm a failure and a let down.
I was the result of a split condom to a waste of space of a man who my mum then "had" to marry so she wouldn't shame the family (despite being 31 and her own woman). Then nastily divorced when I was 5, again my fault. This has all been drilled into me since I was old enough to listen.
We recently had a falling out, started out small and just escalated to the point we haven't spoken in weeks.
They have been a few good weeks, I can go out without worrying about her calling and me missing the call. I don't have to listen to her abuse. The thought of this lasting fills me with utter joy.
Can I really keep it up?

You certainly can if you want to. I've simply cut out a pretty toxic member of my family and the peace is wonderful.

Dear god, you had me at the first paragraph!

If you do take her back, i'll be tempted to come round and SHAKE you!

Look at how your life is, without her in it. If you feel better, stronger, happier...

Keep it that way!

Well done for standing up for you!

I have.
I waited until I was almost 50 years old. I really , really wish I'd done it sooner!
You owe it to yourself. Be happy and enjoy the peace.

What's the point of being in each other's company if it upsets you both? Its OK to limit contact. Life is far too short.

Why do you worry about missing a call? I don't get it! Yes definitely cut her out of your life. What have you got to loose? Good luck, stay strong!

Nearly 8 years clear of my toxic parent and it is such a relief. Liberating is an understatement. Taking control back from someone who has belittled and tormented you since you were a child is a revelation.

It doesn't fix the stuff that has happened in the past - that takes work, when you are ready for it - but at least it means there is nothing new being added to the pile.

And the first year or so can be tough, especially if your family don't support you fully. You need to grieve, I guess, the passing of the parent your mum could never be.

Good luck.

If the OP's mother is anything like mine, missing a phone call brings out the worst in her...accusations of not having told her about things I'm doing, or just a message on the answerphone, that sigh, and that pained voice-
'Well, I've obviously called at the wrong time, again (sigh). If you ever get the time, maybe you could give your mother a ring?'
Or, sometimes, just 'Hello?...Are you there?...It's your mother here...You should be in, so I don't know why you're not answering...Hello?' The last will be followed by her being more than frosty when she does catch up with me.

Bear in mind that we used to talk on the phone at least once a day (before I started to get tough and ignore all the above), and you can see how feelings can be manipulated.

OP, I hope you manage to stick with it. I managed for a few weeks in the Spring, but a couple of family emergencies have sucked me right back into the madness

I advise you not to cut your mum
Try to keep it to minimum contact if necessary

Yes you can. I think you should, and I think you will! Well done and good luck.

Although actually upon refelction youarepriceless has the more sensible solution. Just have enough contact to keep your sanity and your dignity.

You can do whatever the hell you like.

Nobody. I repeat nobody is owed a place in your life.

And the person you describe has done nothing to deserve one!

I have not spoken to my mother for fifteen years. It's bliss. Do what you feel is right for you.

4 months nc with mum. best thing I could have done. go for it

I'm sorry for going AFK for a long while. Had a good cry and it made me sleep. If I don't answer the phone, the next time I do it will be awful with what she will say to me and my gran, her mum, will ring me up and get me told too. It's ridiculous.
It's lovely to hear so many words of support, thankyou

I cut contact with my mother 15 years ago, and the weight being lifted from my shoulders was only equaled by leaving an abusive partner. Which is in effect what your mother is.

The fact that you are feeling so much better in just a few weeks tells you everything you need to know.

I found this site very helpful for coping strategies for when she tries to get back in touch, or ahead of situations where you know you'll bump into her (I've had to be in the same room as my mother at family funerals and weddings, for example)

Good luck!

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Cut my mother out of my life at 17.

Age 36 I was going through a traumatic time in my life, confused and looking for someone to support me. I responded to one of her attempts to contact me.

Saw her once - thought ooo maybe you have changed. Saw her second time - Nope still the same narcistic twisted nutter.

Age 45 now no intentions of trying again.

I have a daughter myself now, and would NOT let her anywhere near.

Life goes on, she sends me weird stuff in the post every now and then, I bin it.

Sometimes I feel sad for the little girl who just wanted a mummy, but you know it just makes me more determined to by a good mum for my own daughter now.

Nasty people have children too. It's your choice whether to keep in contact with her. You do not have to.

I cut contact a year ago. It's been bliss not having to deal with her demands, tantrums, drama and passive aggressive crap. It wasn't just aimed at me but at DS(4) who subsequenty had to have counselling. I do not regret my decision one bit. Life is better without her.

I would definatelyn say to cut her off. I was given great advice by a friend when I was thinking of cutting my narcissistic father out of my life. She said "there comesn a time in any relationship be it familyn or friend where you have to stop and think, what am I getting out of this relationship"? If its all upset, sadness and pain then why would you stick around for that? Once you get to adulthood good relationships have to be earned. If family members bring you down distance them if you can. If they are the type not to accept this then cut them out. Goodn luck x

sorry about all the n's! new nails!

Don't think that cos she's your mum she automatically gets your love and respect. You should take her somewhere neutral. Tell her you are a grown arse woman and refuse to be spoken to like an errant child. That now the tables have tilted and she has to earn your love and respect. You might want to remind her that we come into this world and leave this world pretty much the same way. You were conceived, you didn't split a condom and YOU were incapable of caring for yourself. SHE didn't provide that care. And when she is old and infirm she too will need caring for....and then walk away

Its fine to cut someone like this out of your life even if she is your mother. The biggest problem you may face though is guilt but many children now adults of toxic parents have FOG in spades; fear, obligation, guilt.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are truly no different.

I would also suggest you post on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationship pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Thankyou all! Im going to do it, so many points have stood out for me to hit home and encourage me.

I don't know if I can do this

I blocked all my mum and grans numbers (gran is evil sidekick) on my phone but I had a voicemail left earlier. It was my gran being rotten. I didn't know they could still leave voicemails.

I can't change my number as it is my workphone too and I just spent an arm and a leg getting more business cards printed with this number on.

I'm so not strong enough

Yes you are.

You CAN do it.

Let them leave voicemails.

Next time you play them, as soon as you hear their voice start - HIT DELETE.

Come here for support, there are many posters in the same position.

I've separated my life from several close family. I'm much happier.