I don't want a huge blow up with H over this, so need opinions please

[Loutwenty]

I don't know where to start really. This is long, sorry, I am just so confused at the moment.

Been with dh for 2 1/2 years, married for just over 1. We got together quite fast as I was having a terrible relationship breakdown with exh, so we moved in together after only 6 months. I had been married 12 years but living separate lives for 10 of them. I have a 10 year old child from that marriage.

I don't work, but I study full time. DH works, but in a job he hates, he did a stupid uni course as a mature student at 25, graduated shortly after we moved in together and couldn't find the mystical job that he hankered after (the route he took isn't a route into them anyway iyswim). So now he has a boring, normal job and is not a rock star like he spent his early 20s thinking he'd be, this is apparently, my fault as now he has responsibilities

I was a sahm during my first marriage, my ex worked abroad during the week and we lived in rural scotland, so I kind of had to be! I married young too, so never had much work experience, aside from a bit of freelance stuff pre 20, so when I left, I was floundering.

Last sept I started college and I have totally found myself. I have studied a subject I love, so much so that I have excelled and done a couple of further courses myself and at my own expense to further my knowledge.

However, I am at a crossroads at the moment where in order to continue I can do a degree. My father and ex always told me I was thick. My father said I was so stupid that there was no point in staying at school post 16, and my ex was very successful and talked down to me always. Since studying, I know that's not true. I have passed with all distinctions, my tutors have been behind me all the way and are pushing me to skip a level and go to a degree.

Ok so two issues!

1. I study hard. Really, really hard, not only with the course I have been doing, but with the additional courses I have taken on. I have a criminal law level 3 qualification to complete over the summer, it is not easy. But yet, because I am in the house more, doing 'nothing' (!) as he says, all house work falls to me. He does not lift a finger. He will 'help' wash up a couple of times a week, but he lets me firmly know he is 'helping' me and expects full on, falling to my knees gratitude.

I make him breakfast in bed every morning, regardless of if I am leaving half an hour earlier than him to get to college, I run his bath, wash his hair. All this for an easy life or he sulks. I am not well today and stressed. So I didn't get out of bed before him as usual. He usually has to start getting dressed at 7.50, by 7.30 he was already huffing as I hadn't got up to get his breakfast and coffee. 7.40 ds comes in with his cereal - a 10 year old puts him to shame lol - so I get up, feed the cats and stupidly make his breakfast as I couldn't face a strop. He could tell I was upset, so asks why (but not in a concerned way, he gets pissed off at me when I am upset) so I tell him, just for once, I am fed up of the morning waitress service. So then he says, well, I wan't hungry anyway and throws a strop that he won't be able to drink his coffee, it will be too hot.

He has his dinner cooked and ready for when he walks through the door as well, regardless of if I am eating or not. My first husband was a shit, but he never, ever expected anyone to cook and clean up after him, so I have never experienced this before. Is this normal? I feel like a housekeeper, I hate it. I know he works, but really, to do nothing in your own home? when I talk to him, he says to tell him what needs doing and he will. But a) He is not a teenager and I am not his mother b) this is his home too, I am not the boss of cleaning and c) he gets in such a mood if I do ask him to do anything. He'll do it, but it's not worth the sulking afterwards.

When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop acting like I have a hard life.

2. With regard to study, I have been offered an amazing chance to do a degree I will love. But I will have to commit to three years, hard wok with pretty full on work placements. We want another child. I have had several MC, so I can't wait any longer, certainly not 3 or 4 years, I am 34. So I am looking into OU degrees as they will be more compatible.

DH isnt happy about any of this. He says he will support me, but this week keeps throwing hissy fits, about how much he hates his job, how it's not fair and I can't complain as at least I am doing something I want to do. It's not my fault that, by his own admission, he did a degree which would basically buy him 3 more years 'free' drinking time' in his mid 20's. It is also not my fault that I have turned out to be more intelligent than people thought I was.

And I know that if I do OU, I will get the 'I got to work!' card thrown at me and I will be doing all the house, studying and looking after a baby on my own.

I am confused and I don't know what to do for the best, or, if I want to stay with him at all at the moment.

Nope. Just looked at the guidelines. There was nothing racist, homophobic or even disablist (that's not a word) in there.

I'm not a troll so I can only assume my post was deleted because it cut a bit close to the bone for the OP.

Nope, posts are not deleted for that reason

Of course, your ego would like that, but not happening

I did say 'mumsnutters' perhaps that was it.

Really I don't know what it was. Can anyone educate me? It's somewhat unfair to not inform somebody of what rule they broke. How will I avoid breaking it in future?

Please don't hijack this thread and start your own.

Always love AnyFucker's straight-talking replies and love the name!

DBA, please feel free to contact MNHQ and ask them for clarification of their Talk Guidelines.

Loutwenty, you're pretty astounding. To come out from under all of this shit, and be managing to do what you do, is astounding. But you're not a plant - you don't grow better if you're mired in shit - so like everyone else, I hope very much that you and your DS are able to find out how lovely life can be when it's just the two of you, and no whiny selfish little fucker is dragging you both down.

So Lou , Are you going to stop serving this adolescent and start your degree?
Does he think he is royalty , with a team of servants to pamper to his whims?
I bet you do alot more than you have told us too , all the washing , cleaning , cooking, shopping, maintenance , gardening, bill paying etc.

Just stop . Today . you are so much better than being this mans slave . He is only out the house for 8 1/2hr a day , not long hours at all . he wont die if you stop picking his pants off the floor.

Try and avoid ultimatum statements , better to say things like " I will have to consider all my options if you dont change"

So Lou , what are you going to do?

Degree is not in question, never was,, I am doing one of them, just need to waiti until I can speak to the tutors properly tomorrow to decide.

We talked, not argued, until 3amast night.he is behind my studies, he doesn't want me to work and study, he doesn't mind paying the rent while I study and get placement exp. he says he didn't realise how much I did and to just ask him to do stuff, he was used to living in shit pits before met me so doesn't care about mess like I do.

Upshot is, I am going to stay with a friend from college for a few days, ds is at his fathers house tonight until Sunday night so I am using he opportunity to get some space and for him to have time to think if he will really change or if its just lip service and I told me that I'll be gone if things don't improve. And I do mean that, he knows I am serious on it as well.

Sorry, don't have time to reply more in detail am on a placement today so am rushing to get there.

Sorry, he meant I knew I was serious as I have sorted somewhere to stay for a few days, that has shocked him to shit.

Sorry OP, but I think he's saying whatever he needs to in order to get you to stay. Things won't change.

You have the chance to transform your life with your studies. Don't be held back by this loser, go the whole way and start afresh. I don't think you should have a child with him.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

I do wonder OP what you want from a relationship. Are you desperate for someone to look after? Not trying to be offensive, but just wondering where you're coming from - how on earth you got into washing his hair and making him breakfast in bed every day and why you didn't push him off a cliff long ago.

Tangled - like I said, if its lip service, it's finished. He knows that and he knows I'm serious. I'm not the kind of person who says something and doesn't mean it, I've never threatened to leave or anything before and not gone through with it. He was genuinely shocked.

From what I can read, the OP gets rent free accommodation from the relationship as well as help in caring for her son from a previous relationship. Sure, hair washing and breakfast in bed is a little strange, but, on the other hand, I suspect that, were the OP a man, the term "cocklodger" may have been aired by now.

In reality, OP, you have to consider the trade off between getting your degree and starting in a new career in your mid/late 30s versus just getting a job now. If it does not make sense financially, the degree is essentially a hobby for your personal fulfilment, which is great and not unimportant, but you cannot trade the "busyness" from your hobby against your husband's work, as his is not voluntary. If, in the long run, it does make sense financially, I would say go for it. However, then, how would you cope with a new baby? Would you expect your husband to be the SAHP? Or would you take additional time off?

If you want to stay together, you need to think of all the above and talk it through with your husband. In his position, I would be concerned about you doing the degree supported by me and then leaving with sparkling new career prospects as I badgered away in the same boring job. How would you manage your degree if you separated? Would benefits cover your and your son's expenses (plus alimony)?

Notgood - it's not that at all, it was just to have an easy life with no arguing or sulking. But I have come to realise life would be easier without him at all. So if he won't change his attitude with regard to the house I'm gone.

I'm glad you have some resolve Lou as the relationship you've described sounds seriously abusive. I don't know how you can respect someone (let alone fancy) who acts pathetically helpless to the extent of expecting breakfast delivered, lunch packed and his hair washed shudder

Regardless of how this goes I think you are doing him a favour. Perhaps you should go on the freedom programme even if you stay with him? I don't think you're idea about what is a healthy relationship is quite normal, it might help you become clearer about what is acceptable and help you be firm in holding that line. Best of luck.

Further study does make more sense in the financial long run. Even if I were to have a child, I would earn more and be able to pay for child care when I finish in three years than working at a job with my qualifications now - all my wages and more would go on childcare with the sort of job I'd get now. I've done my resarch this year and spoken to tutors and career advice.

Dh and I spoke about it at length last night, he knows it makes sense as well.

Also, the placements I do and the volunteer work I have finally got interviews for nnext week may also lead to something and will give me far more varied experience anyway.

If they turn up - have been sitting waiting for the manager now for 15 mins!

Larrygrylls - don't bother, I've pointed out pretty much what you've said but I've been censored for it. The tone of my posts is not acceptable apparently. The agenda here is to offer the OP unwavering sympathy whilst hurling abuse at the DH.

pointing out that the OP pursuing a senior position in a field that she currently has no qualifications in, racking up 3 years of university debts (probably 25k+ in tuition fees alone) and expecting the DH to support her through all this is not the kind of response she is looking for. As you say, turn the situation around and I doubt that the contributors to this thread would have the same opinions.

Lou, remember, what you need is friends. Not critics. You don't need to justify yourself all the time. People who are hostile towards you aren't going to change their minds, they just enjoy goading and watching you squirm.

Remember (and it would help if I could, the wording will be a bit off) but, 'May you have the courage to change the things that can be changed, the strength to accept the things that can't and the wisdom to know the difference'. Once you accept you can't change people who aren't interested in changing, you can let go of a lot of pointless stress, focus your energy on the things that are productive and have a much calmer, more fulfilling life.

It might be an idea to set down on paper his house hold duties. Monday Tuesday Wednesday he does the cooking and vacuums. While you do something else.

If you have it very clear each persons responsibilities he can't come back and say he didn't know it needed to bee done.

You will work out pretty soon if its lip service because his jobs won't be done.

In this duty rooster you should make it clear that bathing him and making his l

Sorry

Making is lunch is not part of your duties.

Plus he can't complain because he agreed to it.

larrygrylls no man who made and served the OP with breakfast in bed every day, made and packed a lunch into the OP's bag, put a cooked dinner on the table every evening, and did all the housework and childcare, would be called a cocklodger on MN. I don't have any threads to point to to prove this though. I wonder why...

YY Sticky

Just wante to input on what people do when one partner works and one studies. Dp went back to do further studies 18 months ago an is midway through. No dcs. I work a quite demanding job with lots of travel. It's a difficult career to get into and im lucky, and I love it, but it's never going to be amazingly well paid.

We try and split everything 50/50. He probably does slightly more cooking then me, largely because he's better than me. He's rubbish at remembering to do laundry, but better at most of the rest of the house stuff than I am. If anything, the fact that he's studying means his work is almost seen as more important than mine, in that this is a big career changing moment for him and he has to give it his all. I relocated to enable him to do this course, and I think when next we move that will mean my career priorities get taken into account a bit more.

I can't imagine being in the kind of relationship you are in, either your role or your dps to be honest. I mean, we had a conversation about the fact that it was probably expecting too much to always assume dp could be at home rayher than the library when arranging deliveries of things that need to be signed for. I don't expect him to keep the house because he's in it, he works really hard when he's there, as do you.

That being said, I think you need to think about what you want going forward. It's great you've raised these issues, but I think you need to be clear sulking is unacceptable. And if he does sulk, you may just need to put up with that so you're not giving mixed signals. This is not a great example to show your son. I hope it all works out.