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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Someone talk to me emotional affair

83 replies

sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 20:51

Hi
I found out last year my husband was having an EA whilst I was pregnant.
He kept going out with his friends I must admit I probably did go on at him but he was out all the time I rang him and had a huge row I have two other children who are now 4 & 6.
He threatened to leave me that went off for a week I didn't eat or sleep I worried for my unborn son. He said he couldn't live with me anymore as I was vile basically.
He did leave for a night and then came home the next day still saying he was going packing his stuff and taking off his wedding ring and throwing it at me.

I begged him not to go I couldn't imagine life alone pregnant with small children too. In the end he stayed and said he wanted to make our marriage work.
Everything was going ok until June (he didn't want me to go to his works party in that month)

Instinct told me to check his phone and numerous msgs were swapped with a Dan but I couldn't read the deleted msgs it just showed in message log so I could see what was sent and when.
The messages were swapped after he has already come back a few days after.

I asked who Dan was he said a work colleague (male) I only suspected something as a Danielle had messaged him on Facebook a few months previous around the time of the problems.
I rang the number and she was a total cow on the phone told me nothing really so didn't help.
He admitted they had an attraction but it went no further than that? And they both were having relationship probs and she was just a shoulder to cry on.
I made him leave his job at that point only because an incident had happened a year before.

The first incident was a couple he made friends with at work the girl was 19 and I thought as he was friends with them as a couple it was fine.
They talked on Facebook for months he commented on her photos just sarcastic comments really but maybe hidden flirting who knows?

Then in June 2011 he didn't come back on time from work and said he worked late when I asked him.
This girl messaged me the next day saying he had gone to her house after work saying he needed the toilet he knew her boyfriend wasn't there as he just left him at work.
She told me she thought he was attracted to her as why would he go around when he was alone for a few hours ?
After I foud out he swore he didn't like her but she was nuts and loved herself I believed him.

All this has been eating me up inside he no longer works there and has been nothing but nice to me but does keep accusing me of looking at other men which he never used to.
I asked him last night of he liked the first girl and to tell me the truth he said he did Said he liked her tattoos! But wouldn't of acted on it!

I feel like a total mug he did admit he thought something better may be out there but now he knows he did wrong and asks me to move on and stop bringing up the past.

I don't know why he did any of it I'm relatively attractive I think ,so hugely dented my self esteem.

I would love to know peoples opinions on this if he had the chance with the first girl would he have taken it? Also would he have left me for that girl last year? He swears that wasn't the plan he was leaving because of our problems.
Could u forgive ? I'm 26 I don't want to live this life in regret of staying with a liar who I can't trust. He's so nice and friendly no one would suspect him to be untrustworthy

I need honest opinions pls

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cozietoesie · 25/06/2013 22:11

sweetness

Forgive me for saying this - but has he ever been violent with or mouthed off about the DCs?

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:16

Not violent with me but loses his temper a lot he got so angry coz the baby was crying at a pub lunch the other day he said he was going to smash the plates up it was so embarrassing.
He shouts at the kids a lot he shouted i hate you in my baby's face when he kept crying as newborn that really upset me a lot

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:17

I think you are in danger, love

Could you go home to your family ? Please report his threats to 101 and make a call to Women's Aid and let them help you make a plan to extricate yourself and kids safely.

I know this must sound like it is escalating wildly from your OP, but this is serious stuff and you have buried it for too long

Whatever you do though, do not tip him off and do not make any moves until you are sure of your position. He will punish if you do this halfheartedly.

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:18

That was a few months ago the baby incident

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Xales · 25/06/2013 22:22

Which baby incident? The one where he is screaming I hate you in a baby's face or the one when he lost his temper in public because the baby wouldn't stop crying?

That is two incidences in a short space of time.

Plus he is doing all this in front of the other children and losing his temper with them.

He sounds very close to crossing the line.

This is not a life for you or the children to live. Get out as soon as you can!

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Xales · 25/06/2013 22:23

Sorry he has already crossed the line I meant crossing the line into actual physical violence to you or one of the children.

Not that the other is any better!

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lemonstartree · 25/06/2013 22:23

he 100% slept with her and others.

just LTB, he will do your head in if you stay

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:25

Do you think it's that serious? I know he threatened to kill me which sounds terrible but I know but thought it was just empty threats off an insecure person. Someone did say he may turn violent after smashing the house up as that is how it can start sometimes.
After the wedding he got so mad we couldn't sleep together because I was on a period he argued on me for a few hours until I just went to bed but said he couldn't remember it the next day which I think is rubbish .

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:26

Sweetheart, you are starting to frighten me. I really hope you are not one of those women who think "he may be an abuser, but at least he is my abuser" where abuse is overlooked as long as he doesn't breach monogamy

I think any chance of him having been unfaithful is the least of your worries, seriously

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:26

Just to clarify not my wedding a wedding we went to two weeks ago.

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:29

Really well the pub incident with my son crying happened Sunday and the shouting in his face was feb/march time.
I will leave him but I don't know where to go .

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:31

I really dont know what is abnormal or normal anymore. Like smashing up the house I wanted someone to tell me to get rid of him then but no one that knew did. I doubt my own judgement because of that .

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:32

What about your family ? If you burned bridges with them to stay with him, that will be forgotten, I reckon

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:34

Love, sometimes friends cannot give you advice like that because they are too close

or because you have taken him back before, they don't want to be the messenger that gets shot

very often, the best of your friends will fall by the wayside as you unconsciously distance yourself from them because you are not ready to hear the truth

is there anyone like that in your family or friendships, even if lapsed for a while ?

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Xales · 25/06/2013 22:35

That is how it starts. It is a testing of boundaries.

Will my wife accept me staying out all night? Yes.
Will my wife accept me throwing my ring at her telling her she is vile and I don't want to be with her? Yes, actually she will beg me to stay.
Will my wife accept me violently smashing up her belongings and the house? Yes.
Will my wife accept me being aggressive and shouting at the children, including a new baby? Yes.
Will my wife accept me losing my temper in public and threatening to smash things? Yes. God knows what anyone else watching that thought!
Will my wife accept me threatening to kill her? Yes
Will my wife accept me laying hands on her or my DC?...

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:36

My mum knows what he did she still speaks to him but not like she used to. It was weird after it happened it got forgotten really quickly and no one mentioned it.
I talk to my mum about it but don't seem to get anywhere with what to do but my stepdad has been abusive to her so she's not the best person for advice although she is supportive of me.

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 22:46

I really don't know where to go from here ?

He's at work the rest of the week I will have to think it through and work out what to do. Thanks for ur help i appreciate someone being there for me even if it is online.

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Xales · 25/06/2013 22:50

How old were you when your mother got with your step dad?

It may be that this is behaviour you expect in a relationship as you were taught it by them growing up.

Now your DC are being taught the same lessons...

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:51

Who owns the house/name on rentbook ?

Go and see CAB and find out what your rights are. Call some friends you haven't spoken to in a while. Speak to your mum. Start gathering your RL support...friends, family and professionals.

Start telling people how things really are (in strict confidence, and only those you completely trust). I expect you have been covering for him for some time.

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morethanpotatoprints · 25/06/2013 22:51

Hello OP.

This could easily have been my husband, he got to the smashing the house bit. I made him seek help immediately he was a very sick man.
He is fine now and is in total control of his anger issues.
The reasons for the anger problems initially make me cry thinking about it but you need to know. My dh dad was a bully, he beat dhs mum in front of my dh and threatened to kill her and all her family. She had nowhere to go it was the 1970's. He lived with his abusive father as his mum daren't take dh because he would have killed her and all her family.
This shit affects your children. Somebody needs to say it has to stop here and not continue to the next generation.
OP this is really bad and not normal. You have to get your children away, don't let it be them doing this in years to come with their partners and children.
It ended up that my dh saw his mums head repeadedly smashed on a concrete floor, he was 7.

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bbqsummer · 25/06/2013 22:56

Does he know you go on Mumsnet? If so delete your history and certainly don't leave the computer on with the page up.

I detest the "you're in danger..it could escalate" threads.

But honestly OP, nobody shouts in their baby's face, smashes things up, threatens to kill you and gets arsey and threatening at a family pub lunch.
Unless they're a nasty and unpredictable fucker.

Ring Women's Aid - though they're so badly underfunded I have no idea if they can do anything these days. Ring em anyway. Start getting your ducks lined up.

Don't start an argument with the knob. And certainly don't have a couple of wines then start telling him you have got online advice and he should really read it.

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 22:59

Why do you detest those threads, bbq ? You mean you detest the men that behave like that, yes ?

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sweetness86 · 25/06/2013 23:02

Something bad happened a few months ago. I refused sex I said no about ten times but he did it anyway. I didn't do anything while it was happening I told him no so many times before hand but he carried on still. This makes me so ashamed even saying it , I don't want anyone to know. I wondered after if it was sort of rape but then I thought were married u know so is it? Because I said nothing during it as I thought if I don't say anything it will be over soon. It sounds so awful.
He says stuff like I'm his property and it's my body etc I asked a fried today even if her hubby says that and she said no then I thought well no it's not normal then.
Don't shoot me down for not saying before like I said I'm very embarrassed was it just nagging and I gave in? But it felt wrong to me.

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bbqsummer · 25/06/2013 23:03

Yes AF. It's so bloody sad. I wish I could gather the women up in my arms.

potatoprints I am very glad your oh sought help, but many many and most do not get help and become better men.

OP, if your husband is going to reform in the way that Potato's did, this still means (as she says in her last few lines) that you have to get away from him first.

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AnyFucker · 25/06/2013 23:04

Marital rape has been against the law since 1991 in England and Wales.

he raped you, I am very sorry

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