Help me sort out my feelings about DH and his ex and why I don't want to see her

[Nicolaeus]

DH was with his ex for over 5 years (students then early graduates). She started two-timing him, he found out and left her.

18 months later DH and I get together.

1 year after that (so 2.5 years after they split) she gets back in contact with him, wanting them to try again. He refuses, she then changes tack and says she just needs a friend cos life has turned shit (her ex hit her). DH agrees to go for a drink, but ends up leaving after barely 40 minutes, pretty with her because she tried to persuade him to leave me and get back with her.

A few weeks later he gets a long letter from her detailing various things in her life and why she wants to get back with him/why it was better with her than with me (which he has told me a million times is far from the truth).

He ignores her and she stops contacting him.

Then, a couple of months ago he bumps into her at the airport (this is now nearly 8 years after they split up). They have a quick chat, DH shows her pictures of DS (proud daddy) and she says that she's getting married so DH congratulates her.

She then says that as she is no longer a risk to me and DH that we all ought to get together sometime for a drink. DH is non-committal and they leave it at that.

A couple of weeks ago we got invited to their wedding. DH wanted to go (but only if 2 of his other friends were going so we would know someone other than the bride!) but said it was totally up to me. I said no for several reasons :

• It's a long way away and would be expensive and complicated with DS
• er... she's his ex!

Thing is, (and I have told DH this), I don't understand why he wants to be in contact with her. They didn't get on too well when they were a couple (she loves fighting, DH hates it, she used to forbid him to visit his mum , she/her family is rich, DH isn't and she used to hate that he never had enough money to do all the stuff she wanted).

Add to that the fact she a) two-timed him and b) tried to split us up, I really don't see the point in getting friendly with her.

They have nothing in common except doing the same studies. Oh and 2 mutual friends that we see occasionally.

But now she has invited us to a BBQ, so my excuses of it's far away and expensive and takes up a whole weekend don't work.

My only "excuse" now is that she's an ex.

I'm trying to work out my feelings. Am I jealous? I don't feel jealous. I feel pissed off with her trying to split us up.

We don't socialise much anyway (too busy with work and DS) and I'm not happy at the idea of giving up one of our precious Sunday afternoons.

Sorry it's long but I really don't have anyone I can talk to in RL.

Dh says its totally my decision, but I'm wondering if I ought to just go this once and hope that's the end of it?

No, don't think you should go - it won't be the end of it, her actions are weird, almost like she wants to still feel some influence/power over your H. You will never be real friends, and have other people to be social with - so why on earth do it! can't see anything worthwhile coming out of it.

Ask him: WHY does he want to be in contact with her? The woman who two-timed him? The woman who is no friend to his marriage, since she tried to split the two of you up?

I would be pretty upset and angry too.

No, don't go this once and hope that that's the end of it. It won't be.

ask your H to imagine a reverse situation, maybe he will see it clearer then. I'm sure he doesn't really want to go either, it's just succumbing to pressure, and to appear all mature and chilled out but that's how she is trying to manipulate. Just tell him yo uwon't enjoy it, I think he'll be glad to have the excuse not to go! for him it's better to have you as a reason than to appear as if he's sulking with ex.

He wants to keep up this contact with her because on some level he finds it flattering.

Is he planning on going to this event even if you don't?

I think you need to tell him that this much contact with his ex simply makes you feel uncomfortable.

The only wee word of warning I would give is to take with a weeny pinch of salt the fact that they split up because she two-timed him. That seems to be the default reason given (at least on MN) when partners tell their current wives-and-girlfriends about an ex. Almost as though then we are to think "oh, he'd never want her back then".

And by the way, I don't understand why the focus is on you. He should be the one pretty emphatically steering clear from her.

Your and his, really "excuse" is not that she's an ex, it's what you spell out in your own OP: she cheated on him, and she tried to split up his family. It's her actions, not her status as an ex, that are clear reasons why you all should keep her out of your life.

If your husband can't see that, then you have bigger problems than his ex on your hands.

It's not fair of him to want to make you decide.

So he can say that you won't let him?

I agree with Hot. Ask him to explain exactly why he wants to be in her life.

He should be the one to say "actually, she's done too much for me to want her in my life" and make the decision to not go. I would want to know why it is that he wants you to be the one to decide.

I'm with the others. I wouldn't want anything to do with her. There are plenty of nice people without a turbulent history to hang out with....

is your H a people-pleaser ?

he sounds like one

You have an aversion to her, not because she's an ex, but because she make determined efforts to get him to leave you. You'd probably feel the same about a woman who did that even if there was no previous relationship.

If contact had always been more akin to an old university friend (albeit an intimate one), socialising in groups with other old university friends, you'd have less/no difficulty with that.

What does DH want to do about this? If he wants to keep up with old friends, then their paths might cross. But perhaps you'd feel better about it if it was at events where she was not host.

I'd be more interested in getting to the bottom of your DH's feelings, and rather than justifying why you don't want to see her, have him explain why he does.

What was his response when you told him you don't understand why he wants to be in contact with her?

he also is obviously someone who avoids conflict and confrontation and would rather not come up with some serious reasons to the ex, easier for him to say 'my partner feels uncomfortable, and as a result so am I', which isn't great, but as far as he genuinely doesn't want to socialise with her, it's not a disaster.

Whether she's married or not, she's dangerous. You will never like her or trust her, so what is the point in putting yourself through it. Cut all contact and don't look back.

This woman is only dangerous if your husband is a weak people pleaser who allows himself to be manipulated

oh...

Getting to know your DH's ex under these circumstances would add nothing to your life whatsoever. She's not someone you want to know, she's been pretty full on trying to split you and your DH up in the past, and I cannot see anything about her that would warrant you or your DH going along with her attempts to re-establish a connection with him, and one with you. You don't need this so just don't get involved under any circumstances. I would think it would bring nothing but grief to you and your life.

Thanks everyone.

At least I know I'm not the only one who would have a problem with this!

I did ask him why he wanted to go to the wedding. He kind of shrugged and said it'd be rude to refuse but agreed when I said it was too much hassle and there was only a handful of people for whom I'd give up my weekend and cart DS across half the country for a wedding. And they were all fantastic friends/family members, not an ex.

Plus, her family really dislike him (they thought he was a golddigger! because her family is rich and he was a grant student) so I said why go to her wedding where wa lot of the people there don't like him?

I do believe that she cheated on him - he told me that quite early on in our relationship, way before she got back in contact with him.

He did say it'd be nice to see his 2 mutual friends at the same time, so I said in that case, we'll invite them over to ours together (usually we see couples & their kids separately because it's a nightmare to organise otherwise).

I think I will ask again why he wants to see her. I think it doesn't help that we're not very sociable, so I think he sees it as an occasion to get out and about.

I was pissed off with him though when he told her we weren't coming to the wedding because it's too far away and because of the "situation". It makes her sound more important thatn she really is

Plus usually, if someone invites me to theirs, I like to invite them back to ours. But there is no way on earth I'm letting her come to our place and judge

Totally agree bunch ! I really don't see how getting to know her is going to enhance my life.

DH told me by email that we were invited to the BBQ but we haven't discussed it yet. I wanted to see if he'd mention it.

Think I'll talk to him tonight.

Some people manage great friendships with their XPs because they never really fell out, they just came to a mutual realisation that a romantic relationship wasn't right for them. Or maybe they had cause to stay in each other's lives (e.g. because of children, family commitments or work) and eventually forged a good friendship after the initial acrimony and pain had died down.

Your DH and this woman have never had that. After years of no relationship at all, she is trying to start a friendship with him. That's just plain odd and smacks of ulterior motives. I can't possibly think what they are, given that she's getting married, but IMO it's not 'normal'.

If it was me in your DH's position I'd steer clear regardless of whether I was married or single. I can't understand why he would do anything other TBH.

So no, I don't think you're suffering from irrational jealousy or insecurity or any of those sorts of emotions. I think you're far more astute than your DH. The risk of the potential shit-storm far outweighs any possible advantages to pursuing this 'friendship'.

nothing to do with her being his ex...she's treated him and you very casually and very rudely and is a complete twunt.

why would you want to engage with her?

just say no. that youre not interested in her, her social occasions or her stupid games and you'd rather appreciate it if he cut off that friendship because the history there makes you feel bloody uncomfortable.

Thank you everyone, you're really putting your finger on it all!

I can't see any point in being friends/friendly with her but felt I was being petty and irrational because they're exes.

As for being a people-pleaser, well DH isn't really like that. He's not very sociable. But he is very career-minded and a bit networky - so probably just wants to keep a neutral relationship for that reason.

But I really don't want to know her. Will definitely tell DH that tonight.

Or maybe her being so crazy for him, begging to have him back, etc, was just a massive massive ego boost for him and on some level he wouldn't mind a bit more (of an ego boost)

I am NOT saying he would want her back! I am NOT suggesting he would do anything. He's been very honest with her and with you that he's not interested.

But let's be honest, someone saying how much they want you and please please please be with me, may be flattering, no matter how strongly you intend to never ever take them up on it.

And yes, I realise this is her wedding. But he may want to be The One That Got Away.

This does not make him a bad person.

We're all human.

I once broke up with an utter arse and he wanted to get back with me for ages. I didn't want him but when he gave up, I wasn't happy because I liked him wanting to be with me I am not a bad person. But people are weird.

Agree that your husband likes having this woman inviting him to things and that he's manipulative to put the responsibility on to you for why he has to decline invitations. How come they are in touch then? She must have his contact details because he supplied them to her. Is she a FB friend of his?

Often, men who don't want to own up to their own motivations and actions paint other women as scheming plotters desperate to cause trouble. That gets him off the hook and makes him into a fantasy object all at the same time. Don't fall for it.

Also, it probably massages her ego to feel that she can still exert her influence over her ex (your DH) - maybe she fancies herself as a bit of a femme fatale, with all her men still 'carrying a torch' for her. Yet another reason as if you need one to see no reason for her to be in your social circle.

Wow, YANBU! Why would you want to go and mingle with your DH ex who tried to break you up? Why does he want to go?

She is obviously a trouble maker. It's been years since they split. He shouldn't be interested in being around her. Common sense should tell him you don't want to be around her!