Help me sort out my feelings about DH and his ex and why I don't want to see her

[Nicolaeus]

DH was with his ex for over 5 years (students then early graduates). She started two-timing him, he found out and left her.

18 months later DH and I get together.

1 year after that (so 2.5 years after they split) she gets back in contact with him, wanting them to try again. He refuses, she then changes tack and says she just needs a friend cos life has turned shit (her ex hit her). DH agrees to go for a drink, but ends up leaving after barely 40 minutes, pretty with her because she tried to persuade him to leave me and get back with her.

A few weeks later he gets a long letter from her detailing various things in her life and why she wants to get back with him/why it was better with her than with me (which he has told me a million times is far from the truth).

He ignores her and she stops contacting him.

Then, a couple of months ago he bumps into her at the airport (this is now nearly 8 years after they split up). They have a quick chat, DH shows her pictures of DS (proud daddy) and she says that she's getting married so DH congratulates her.

She then says that as she is no longer a risk to me and DH that we all ought to get together sometime for a drink. DH is non-committal and they leave it at that.

A couple of weeks ago we got invited to their wedding. DH wanted to go (but only if 2 of his other friends were going so we would know someone other than the bride!) but said it was totally up to me. I said no for several reasons :

• It's a long way away and would be expensive and complicated with DS
• er... she's his ex!

Thing is, (and I have told DH this), I don't understand why he wants to be in contact with her. They didn't get on too well when they were a couple (she loves fighting, DH hates it, she used to forbid him to visit his mum , she/her family is rich, DH isn't and she used to hate that he never had enough money to do all the stuff she wanted).

Add to that the fact she a) two-timed him and b) tried to split us up, I really don't see the point in getting friendly with her.

They have nothing in common except doing the same studies. Oh and 2 mutual friends that we see occasionally.

But now she has invited us to a BBQ, so my excuses of it's far away and expensive and takes up a whole weekend don't work.

My only "excuse" now is that she's an ex.

I'm trying to work out my feelings. Am I jealous? I don't feel jealous. I feel pissed off with her trying to split us up.

We don't socialise much anyway (too busy with work and DS) and I'm not happy at the idea of giving up one of our precious Sunday afternoons.

Sorry it's long but I really don't have anyone I can talk to in RL.

Dh says its totally my decision, but I'm wondering if I ought to just go this once and hope that's the end of it?

What a cow she sounds! How was her groom supposed to feel? Was she lining up a series of ex's to make a guard of "honour" outside the church FFS?

Steer clear of the interfering minx and host an indoor BBQ for just two

She never was, nor ever will be a friend of your marriage.

She wrote and told your H to dump you ffs. she ought to be ashamed of herself!

H should politely decline. Full stop.

She sounds like a bit of an arse.

But ( you know your DH best) does he want to go in order to 'show off' as much as I cringe at the thought.

But from what you've said, her family thought he was a gold- digger, she cheated on him.

Maybe he's proud of your family and in some little way wants to go 'hoy look at me, I'm the lucky one, I have the great marriage and lovely child, ha ha'

Of course I could be talking shit. . .

Among my friendship group it's very normal to socialise with exes. We often see DP's exes when we visit his hometown or at large events. Also DP and I often see one couple in particular, where the husband is an ex of mine. Our kids are the same age, we all get on, and our relationship is very much old history, so why not? In my social circles, not "allowing" your partner to speak to exes solely because they're exes is very much frowned upon, it's seen as petty, jealous and controlling.

Just giving you that as background before saying that there's no way I'd go to this woman's wedding if I were in your shoes! It's not that she's an ex, you're not being jealous or petty, not at all. It's that she deliberately tried to split you and your DP up. She sounds manipulative, immature, and someone you and your DP could do without having in your life!

"She never was, nor ever will be a friend of your marriage."

^^ This

Just say: No way, she is trouble and not worth our time. End of.

He tried doing the polite/civilised thing before, only for her to try to persuade him to leave you for her. So it has been proved not to be a good idea to have her in your lives. And there is no need.

Think there is way too much focus on the frenemy here and not why the OP's husband wants anything further to do with a woman who tried to break up his current relationship. I can see why he might have been friendly when he was caught by surprise at the airport, but wanting to accept two invitations in the space of a fortnight, a couple of months after this airport chance meeting? I don't think so. I'd be wondering whether there's been a lot of contact in between the airport encounter and the wedding invitation.

Same here, LH

I wouldn't go. It would seem odd, to me, for all the reasons you have listed.

And when people say " how do you know the bride/ groom" you will say " oh, my dh dated her, then she tried to split us up, then invited us here!" Otherwise, never had any contact with her! More champagne?

Maybe she hopes he will jump up and stop the wedding.

LH

Well, we spoke last night. DH wasn't surprised I didn't want to go to the BBQ, but was surprised when I said I didn't trust her.

He thought that the fact she invited us to her wedding and to the BBQ was proof that she's turned a page and that we can all be adults and get along fine ( as it means that everyone is being adult except me).

He said that there would be a few of his old friends there (BBQ) and that it would be nice to meet up as a group again as they hadn't in donkeys years.

So now I feel all unreasonable and petty again, seeing as everyone else can be nice and mature about this and I can't (my words, not DH's).

He did then say that we wouldn't go to the BBQ and that he'd just meet her for lunch one day instead, which I got really pissed off at. (think he got the message this time).

I also pointed out to him that as a couple we've never argued and he's never made me cry. With 3 exceptions. 1) the first time she got back in touch with him and he agreed to go for a drink 2) after an awful sleepless night with DS when we were both at our wits ends and 3) once again because of his ex.

We didn't really resolve it as it was late and the conversation changed to a nicer topic (our wedding anniversary is next week).

DH left very early this morning for work but did wake me up to tell me that I was the only woman he wanted. Also last night he said that if he didn't want to go out with her when he'd only been dating me for a year, he was hardly going to want to now when we've built our lives together, are married, have bought a flat and have DS. As far as he's concerned, I'm his future not her.

I'm still pissed off though

Oh and as for how she has his contact details, he still has same the phone number.

vintage there might be a little bit of that, in that maybe he wants to show her he's done well, has a good job, wife and DS etc.

She sounded quite toxic when they were a couple (MIL has confided in me that that the ex would strop whenever DH visited MIL, and would sulk for up to a week afterwards because he "abandoned" her for the weekend )

Still, I'm quite reassured by you guys that I'm not being irrational! I am pissed off that I'm the person who hasn't done anything at all, yet by everyone being so mature and "water under the bridge" I'm the one who seems to be the baddy (though DH assures me it's not the case)

No, that certainly does not sound resolved.

He's making you out to be jealous and irrational, when he should be the one clearly choosing to keep this woman out of his and your life.

"Oh, I'll just meet her for lunch," eh? It's not his old buddies he wants to see. It's her. There is definitely something very wrong in his thinking. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking and he believes all the nastiness of the past will be erased if he goes through the motions of "we can all be adults and get along fine."

The fact that he can't set boundaries with a person who broke his trust, and tried to break his marriage, does not bode well.

Ha! DH just rang me to apologise

He's had a lot of time to think (plane journey for work) and he says that although he thought at the time he should accept his ex's "olive branch" as it was all in the past, they've moved on blah blah blah, she really did behave badly to him and me (and to one of their mutual friends actually - this friend is prepared to make amends and go to the BBQ but has said to DH she totally understands why I don't want to!).

He wants to look to the future with me so instead of turning the page he'll shut the door

I'm still a bit wary but I do believe him. He's always been totally upfront about the few times she's contacted him.

He says he feels awful that this has hurt me and it wasn't his intention at all.

and the ex is just arrogant, no considertaion for others or how awkward they might feel. She was also arrogant two timing him, it's this 'I do what the heck I want' mentality, spoilt kid and all that.

That is a good result! Well done for staying strong.

Oh good, at least he's manning up!

oh that sounds better!

Ex is definitely arrogant.

As I said before, her family thought he was a golddigger as he comes from a very poor family.

However he worked hard and got a good job. He split up with his ex and 6 months later bought his first car. She actually rang him up and yelled at him because when they were dating he never had much spare money (he bought the car with his bonus).

She on the other hand spent £1000 a year on handbags when she was a student...

That's very placatory of him.

I'd still be wondering if they ever do meet up for that lunch date..

is he still going for lunch with her ?

is he still going for lunch with her ?

I'd hit the roof if my partner wanted to go out for lunch/dinner/drinks/barbeque etc. with one of his exes. I want to know what the hell he was playing at but then I'm an emotional sort with a temper.

I do agree that she sounds lethal but I'm uneasy about your partner's laissez-faire attitude to this especially as you've told him about how upset you are. He shouldn't be going any where near her. Full stop.